What's wrong with me?

Reads: 32  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 6

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

I have captured some of the ideas from various books that i have read that have shaped my thinking. The ideas that enriched my way of living. I hope that it will be of some help to you too.

What’s Wrong in Being Who I truly am

 

I often hear people (teachers, peers, parents, relatives) telling me to be more social and to be more of a talking person rather than being a quite kid. I always felt that there was something wrong with me. I felt like I was not fitting in. But then I got to know that I am not alone, and that there are more people just like me, who prefer solitude and the silence.

I know what I am not good at. I know I am terrible at talking, terrible at engaging in conversations, terrible at getting to know some people, terrible at being in a group and terrible at expressing myself. Maybe the thing is not about whether or not I am terrible or good at these things, it’s about whether or not I want to spend my time and energy at these things. It’s about what I prefer the most. It’s about what fills me with energy. It’s about what gives me peace and happiness. It’s about just being myself.

I face a lot of anxiety every day. Sometimes I just feel to run away from this real world. I feel like, to go to some unrealistic fantasy world where people would accept me the way I am. I feel like to venture into the woods all alone. I feel like to go on an adventurous journey all alone. Sometimes I feel the need to experience extreme solitude and that deep sense of peacefulness and joy. Just immersing myself into a novel makes me feel good. But still a time would come, wherein I would have to go out into the real world. I am a student. The university in which I am studying, we are asked to do seminars, engage in group activities, asked to talk more and what not. I just feel like quitting college. I am starting to feel that this is not my thing. It’s tough moving ahead. This world is not made for me, especially the education system, wherein solitude, self-reflection, listening and silence have no importance. That’s what hurts me most.

My life started to take many unexpected turns when I went to live in a hostel for the first time as part of my pre university education. This hostel was different from others. We weren’t allowed to keep mobile phones, laptops or any other electronic gadget. There were three students in each room. But due to outbreak of COVID, the college told the students that they could stay in the hostels at their own risk. But they agreed to provide every possible help and facilities that they could. The other two of my room-mates decided to go home. I don’t blame them. They were having a hard time and had their own reasons. That’s when things started to take drastic twists and turns. I got a lot of time to stay alone and contemplate. I had no self- help books, no internet, no electronic gadgets or any other forms that could externally affect me. It was just me all alone. I started asking myself the big questions of life. What is the meaning to this life, what is the purpose of the life, what am I doing with my life, am I just existing, am I even living? These questions started to hit me hard. I become very depressed looking back at the kind of life I had lived. A feeling of guilt started to take root in me. I felt very unhappy and sad. The guilty moments from the past which I had buried to avoid pain started to show up. I was filled with a lot of pain. I felt very depressed. But I just masked myself with a smile Infront of my friends.

Due to the uneasiness I faced, I turned to self-help books. I could have never approached people to tell them about my problems. I was opened up to a whole new world of possibilities. These self-help books made me to look at life in a different way. They gave me hope, and that was very important. It was like seeing a ray of light in a dark room.

I started to get to know myself better. I slowly tried to embrace the pain within me. I slowly started to forgive myself for the past. I just put my hand on my heart and told myself “it happens, buddy. Mistakes happen. It’s ok. How much more are you going to suffer.” All along I wished somebody to come and hug me and console me. But it was just me who needed to do it. When you forgive yourself, you start to love yourself more. You start to accept yourself as who you are. You start to discard people’s opinions and their judgements about you.  

 I tried doing many things I learnt from the self-help books. I started waking up early in the morning. I started exercising daily. I started to practice meditation, not for much time but for just 15-20 minutes daily. I started journaling. I did notice the results myself. I improved myself in different walks of life. I was more active throughout the day. I was much happier than before. I started to laugh more. I started to enjoy the little things that life offered. I started to notice that money, fame, power and materialistic things no longer fantasized me. A big house, a car, a luxurious life, a rich life used to be my big dreams. But as I read more of these self-help books, I couldn’t find any meaning and purpose in striving for these dreams and accomplishing them. A thought on the back of my head always used to trouble me. A thought that I am just giving excuses to avoid doing the hard things. A thought that I was just giving up easily. I thought that I was refusing to strive. That’s when it occurred to me- that my mind is full of different identities, different opinions, different beliefs and different ideas.

From the moment we are born our minds are stuffed with a lot of thoughts and opinions. We are made to adopt a belief system. We are made to grow up in a reward – punishment system. The moment you do something good in the eyes of others, you are rewarded by them. When you do something bad in the eyes of others, they punish you for doing so. This system becomes so deep rooted in our minds that we tend to practice this system on our own. We create a judge in our own mind. We ask that judge to look over our actions and pass judgements. We punish ourself and reward ourself according to the judgements. We invest our two most important power – power of belief and the power of faith onto this judge in our mind. We not only create a judge, but many identities in our mind. So why do we create so many identities? Its because of the reward – punishment system. In order to get rewarded, we need to please others, in order to please others we need to act in a way they want us to and In order to act in those ways we create these identities. We invest our faith and belief into these identities in order to accomplish the goal of winning over other people. At some point in our life, these identities are bound to clash in opinions and judgements. We start to become many things other than who we actually are. We start to hate ourself and make a mess of our lives.

This is just one aspect of a poor and weak inner life. There are many more aspects which we may not be even aware of. Those very minute and little things affect our lives in a great way in the long run. So its important that we become aware of who we actually are and get to know ourself more. Its important that you make enrich your inner life and enrich your mind. There’s nothing wrong in trying to find a good purpose and better meaning to do things in life. It might be a bit uncomfortable but believe me it will be worth it. Whenever we try to imagine a better self, or a better world, most of the time we try to imagine the perfect ideal self or a perfect ideal world. But we need to know that there are certain things which are outside our reach. There are certain things that we cannot change. But we can strive to change the things that are within our capability. We need to realize our power and the potential that lies within us. The power within us is immense, we just haven’t tapped it completely yet. A whole new world of possibilities lies within us. So, let’s strive to be better in every walks of our life. Let’s be more loving, more compassionate, more peaceful, more happier, more adventurous and more joyful. Let’s taste the different juices of life. Let’s not just exist, let’s lead a life of deep meaning, a life of worthy purpose. Let’s try to make somebody’s life better, somebody’s day better, somebody’s moments better. Because you have the power to do that. ‘Want’ is a beautiful word. It means you lack something. What we lack can be filled by many different things and not just by the thing you want. So the next time whenever you feel like you want something, I want you to ask yourself what is it, that I lack? You will start to look at life In more meaningful ways. You will truly start to appreciate the small gifts and small things that life has offered to you. at the end of the day what you need more is a beautiful, rich, creative and joyful inner life filled with love.

THANK YOU

 

 

 


Submitted: January 14, 2022

© Copyright 2022 Sharad C K. All rights reserved.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Add Your Comments:

Comments

DiamondGirl1955

Hey, just be yourself and be the best you can be. Please yourself and stop worrying what your parents think and the doctors think . You are who you are and they need to accept you just the way you are.

Sat, January 15th, 2022 6:57am

Author
Reply

Thank you for those beautiful words. That made me feel a lot better. Also i thank you for taking your time to read the essay.

Fri, January 14th, 2022 11:06pm

Criss Sole

Very insightful and you give some very good advice.
Great essay!

Sat, January 15th, 2022 9:40am

Author
Reply

Thank you very much. I feel inspired to write more. Have a great day!

Sat, January 15th, 2022 3:56am

Ms.Romance55

Be yourself and be happy. It is not about your parents it is about you and what makes you happy.

Sat, January 15th, 2022 5:21pm

Author
Reply

Thank you.

Sat, January 15th, 2022 9:36am

Facebook Comments

Other Content by Sharad C K