Chapter 1: What's So Funny?

 Chatty Kathy 

This trait I hate!
This "Chatty Kathy" fate
I'm so Chatty Kathy today

My dignity, My grace
blows up in my face
whenever I'm talkin' this way

I'm never demure
(I'm not even sure
how I'd even BE that if I could)

So like it or not
I'm talkin' alot
maybe a lot more than I should.

Be careful with me
don't invite me for tea
If you do here's a simple heads up

Make sure you don't brew
"Constant Comment" for two
If you truly want me to 'shut up’.

  Take a Number

So, I go to the license bureau
to get my plates renewed
(I wish I’d swallowed cyanide instead!)

The man says ‘take a number’
I get ONE NINETY TWO
though the lines behind the little sign are dead

I can’t understand it
the entire place is packed!
Yet no one is allowed to cross that sign

They have like twenty windows
but only FOUR are occupied
and only ONE of THOSE is "open at this time"

When I finally reach the window
with my paperwork in hand
the woman says while searching through the pile

“I can’t accept this one 
you’ll have to bring another form”
as she shoves the papers back without a smile.

I return again next morning
with my paperwork again
I’ll get this done today-  I have a hunch

But when I get up to the building 
there’s another stupid sign 
that says in red  “We’re sorry ,closed for lunch”
 

Ritzie's Mother 

There once was a puppy named Sam
Who refused to eat nothing but ham
Until his poor mother
Gave birth to another
And now he dines strictly on Spam

  He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Just ask me and I'll tell ya, he loves me more than not
But excuse me while I phone him (I have this feeling he forgot)
He hasn't been by in a couple of months
But he loves me or at least I thought
'Cause it's been awhile since he told me that
He's human! He forgot!
Now I found this little daisy,
in the cement of a parking lot
And I pulled on its petals
refusing to settle
On the one saying he loves me not

  One Hair, On a Balding Man's Head

*spot poetry written in 15 minutes or less about any random subject


 I am the hair on a balding man's head
 not lying down but standing instead
 Choosing to fight the battle alone
 escaping the scissors, evading the comb
 Keeping the faith down through the years
 dodging the blade of the old barber's shears

  Golden Oldie

The kids have all grown and moved out on their own
I can now be a senior with ease

But as I get older, unburden my shoulders
the help I once gave I now need

What has happened to me? I flaunt apathy
I’m becoming my parents I fear

I’ve ditched rock and roll for the daily news show
and prefer jasmine tea to a beer

A concert for me, well, used to be
A summer of fun at Red Rocks

And now my idea of fun for a night
is taking my dog for a walk

  The Proposal

The night you got down on one knee
it truly changed my life
You were just about to ask me
If I would be your wife, right?
Then I really blew it
the times that I loved best
were thrown right out the window
the moment I said "Yes!"

  The Legend of Jack's Father 

This is the legend of Jack’s father
and to brag about him Jack won’t even bother
‘cause truth is not a virtue he inherits
and integrity’s a trait beneath his merits

Jack’s father takes the tip off every table
and parks his car in spots for the disabled
yeah Jack knows he’s a gambler and a liar
(not the mentor he was hoping to aspire)

If he can get away with stuff he WILL try
and he’s always at the ready with an alibi
Like the time he told Jack’s mother he’d be working late
when he was out with his mistress on a dinner date

But Jack’s mother’s oh-so-clever in her own way
she tells Jack “your dad will pay the piper someday
his lack of love and character will soon show
and there’ll be nothing of a legend left when he goes."

Her prediction was quite evident that weekend
when Jack’s father tried to steal from his best friend
but he couldn’t out run the Pit bull that was inside
(the neighbors just stood filming him as he cried)

“Oh help me please I’m really not a bad bloke”
but he became the 'butt' of every lame joke
‘cause his rear end bears the scars below his britches 
(Jack's mum can't help but smile while doin' dishes)

  
Singing in the Shower

I've got no choice
I've lost my voice
My vocal cords lack power
So rest sweet neighbor
'Tis but a favor
I shant sing in the shower