Table of Contents
Chapter one
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter six
Chapter 7
Chapter 9
chapter 10: part one
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Recent Comments
The first chapter reminded me of IT. I loved the way how the story opened. Story is fast-moving. If you maintain this speed, readers will not be going to put it down until they finish it. That demon sounds very creepy. The chapter made me curious to read more. I think in the coming chapters, the characters will be described. I would say I enjoyed reading the first chapter. :) Keep it up, Violet!
Tue, April 12th, 2022 1:32pm
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Oh thank you so much! I got all giddy when you compare to Stephen King's it. Love that movie and glad I captured the spookiness with it. Yes, I wanted to make it fast-paced a bit, bc horror stories can be a hit or miss when you make it to slow. Like you either build up the suspense or just keeping throwing the horror without it making it seem repeative. Yes, I had some inspirations, this show called soul eater, had this demon in it which really inspired me to create my own lol. So far, I'm trying to figure out Corrine's character, I feel creating the main character can be a challenge. But I'm starting to understand her character as I write her. Really, thanks again, and I'm glad you're looking forward to reading more. The first chapter here I added some things and took away. It made the story fit better cause I now have a better idea where I'm going with it.
Thu, April 21st, 2022 9:13am
Saw this linked on my buddy's page. Certainly not lacking in originality.
I like the esoteric imagery of the supernatural carnival and the use (and reuse) of the number seven. I don't know what your plans are but I would definitely lean into the carnival imagery as it had resonance (and is also fun and creapy). Tricksters, carnivals, and clowns appear in folklore the world over and are commonly encountered in DMT trips. Definitely closer to devils then family entertainment.
I think chapter one would benefit from another draft, both to refine and expand. Not to sound like a meme... But I think there was a lot of telling that would have benefitted from being showing, specifically when you were trying to build atmosphere.
The most obvious example to me was paragraph six (started with the lady sitting on the moon). I wanted /more/ there.
I enjoyed it. The premise you came up with really shines and I went on go read chapter two which very rarely happens for me on Booksie novels.
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I’m glad you found this and it caught your attention.
Yeah my fav part of writing was always the imagery. So I’m glad I was available to capture for that. I was never a fan of circuses as a kid. I think I got upset over cause I never got cotton candy lol. But then I went to more fairs and like more of the dark undertones of their acts. Yeah this first chapter, I’ve written and scratched off many times. Still trying to figure out the right feel cause I’m still figuring out where I want to go with it myself. I see what you mean about the tell with the acrobat, I might add more later on and develop. I always like hearing peoples thoughts on my wiring cause I take it into consideration and it helps me adapt with my own writing.
I like more of the darker undertones of circuses and I think it’s place more for a circus to have sinister places take place. My one friend read it and I was like this is the place where the clowns don’t smile and show their dark sense of humor lol.
Anyways, I was really happy my story pulled the strings for you to see chapter two. That in itself is awesome. To get the reader to read more. Thanks again!
I really like where this is going. There is enough to be seen that I was grounded, yet vacancies that left me wanting more. I really like the premise that Corrine has a duality to her that is represented by visions of demons that haunt her, but those may be real? I'm going to have to keep reading to see what happens next in Madame Leroux's...
Thu, May 5th, 2022 11:33pm
You're welcome
Tue, May 10th, 2022 6:25pm
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:)
Tue, May 10th, 2022 11:31am
It took me forever to get to this story, but I'm finally here!
First off, I don't know if you already made revisions to this chapter, but I like what you have going so far. The atmosphere this puts out reminds me of the intro to Cirque du Soleil's "World's Away" feature movie, with a bit of the third act from "We're Back," an animated movie. Creepy but entertaining at the same time.
I love the tiny hints to Corrine's backstory. And by that, I mean the allusion to the relationship between her mother and presumably dead father. I feel that there's a lot to unpack there, which makes for a great lead-in to the rest of the story.
As for improvements, maybe just a bit of a smoother transition to introducing the demon. It was mentioned that the room went dark just before the next act. It would have been difficult for Corrine to spot anything in the darkness, but for some reason, she managed to see the bloody pawprints from a certain distance. Maybe clarify that she noticed them as soon as the lights came back up, or maybe describe her eyes adjusting to the dark and simply noticing that something seems out of place.
Looking forward to the next chapters. :)
Hey, this is a really interesting start! I love the vibe/atmosphere in this chapter.
The descriptions are good, but a bit lacking in certain places. I think adding a few padding sentences could really help up the detail.
The pacing is really quick, that could be your style but adding more sentences to flesh out the detail a bit could help the pacing seem more natural.
It would also help to break up the paragraphs a bit more often. Pretty much anytime the subject changes you can break a paragraph. That can also help the pacing, and make your story easier to comprehend.
You do a great job of drawing the reader's attention and keeping it. This is a really interesting concept, it reminds me of Cirque du Freak and thats very much a compliment. Good luck and keep writing!
:)
Hello Vi, I told you I would start reviewing this today and today has come.
First note: The story has a really interesting setup with this start. As one of your other readers pointed out, the setting of a supernatural circus is really esoteric and genuinely creepy, especially when you look into the background of how circuses came about, along with all the eerie clown stories and other such phenomena that seem to follow the aesthetic of circuses across the globe due to different cultures and folktales.
Secondly, the premise was good enough that I wanted to rewrite nearly all of it, adding some finer details and stuff to enhance the mood of this circus so it really creeped out any reader that even dared read it for a second. I have noted some things that might need a second or third look. A few rephrasings and a tense issue, along with some general notes to help flesh out the tone and mood a bit more.
Oh my, this idea is good. I could offer so many notes to help enhance this story but instead, I'm going to encourage you to read a little something first. If you haven't found this story already, look up 'Bunny of Horrors: The Compilation' on my profile. It's a series of short stories I've put together. They're a set of creepypasta-type entries that could give you an idea of setting the story tone and mood for the darker segments of your narrative/book you have going. It may also help with how you phrase things for a smoother flow. I tend to have a poetic lilt in my writing that a few people have noted and I feel it helps with stories like this one.
Enough praise, though. The thing you need to really work on is to try rephrasing the same sentence in another way if you can. This helps vary the type of lines throughout your paragraphs. I've noticed when you write you tend to follow the same format for almost every line. Not an inherently bad thing, but it kinda disturbs the natural reading process, if I'm making myself clear. For creative writing, your style feels almost robotic. You have elements where you do well, then bam. I'm hit with two lines that read virtually identical in style. I'll try to point them out as I get further in the story. Not bad, but something to maybe work on.
I'll see you next chapter. Still, a pretty good read, and I needed the context to continue onward.
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I really want to thank you, I took your suggestions and started to edit a bit. Argh, what I hate about booksie sometimes, when I take your suggesstions and do edits it deletes the blue line. But I still have your edits, which I was going to look some more later and I saved an old tab that still has your blue lines from the original so there's that. I also love me horror stories, I'll look later with your suggestion in your writing library, Bunny of horrors. I used to read a lot of creepy pasta when I was thirteen with my friends. I always like reading other horror so I can sort of see how someone else sets the scene and gives me an idea and I learn how to improve the writing. I'm actually pretty shy, so I really liked the praise, if someone praise me at all I get all flustered so thank you. But yes, I see what you mean about repeated same sententces.
I think bc I like patterns and I just stick with the same style, it's more a habit I think so too. My one professor as we speak, she's trying to break me from that writing habit. I am really glad you liked the premise. Truthfully, I wrote this when I was fifteen in my creative writng class, and I honestly went back on it. I think what made me write this premise in the story, American horror story did a circus theme, and I hated it. So I decided to make my own circus story lol. Anyway, I'm really glad this is keeping your interested. I'm going to look again at chapter 2, which again, I appreacite your helpful edits and I tend to take in by sort of relearning in my head. See ya again soon, and thank you!
Chapter 1, good start, I’m intrigued so I’ll keep reading.
Sat, October 1st, 2022 4:41amFacebook Comments
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Thoughts Before Rem
I was going to hold off on reading this until a few more chapters came out like I mentioned in my Quickie. But I got curious so I read it. I left a hell of a lot of notes in the chapter for you since I've been away for a bit and I didn't read your last story like I said I would.
Tue, April 12th, 2022 2:12amOnce again this seems like a decent premise for a YA novel. There was a lot happening in a short while so I feel like the plot took over nad there was very little characterization and very little description of the setting that they were in . But it is the first chapter so I will continue to read on.
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Really thank you so much and I'm glad you gave it a go. I did some slight changes with this chapter, took what you said into consideration and made different editing and a change with the plot. I was still indeseive but I have an idea where I'm going with this. And no worries about my last story, I know life gets in the way, I know college and my work takes me away from my writing more than I want to. I feel like my next chapter will have a bit more plot going! Really thanks again for your thoughts, I feel like it helps me grow as a writer:}
Thu, April 21st, 2022 9:09am