What is Left

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

The question of "what is left" is, somewhat, answered from my point of view.

People always say how a person is never going to care about them the same way they care about the person. But for me it’s more like people are never going to care about me as much as others care about them. After all, I’ve been finding it difficult to care about much of anything as of late.

There isn’t much that brings me feeling either other than the marks on my flesh which have since faded into nothing. Not even a scar to ruin my skin farther than my own negligence already has.

One of the few things I’ve been able to “enjoy” is the brief bit of stimulation from tv and social media. Something I frequently scroll through on an endless hunt to find something on the internet to magically fix my life and make me happy. And I do this alone. The main place I like to stay in is my basement. Most children are afraid of the basement in their house but I never have been. While I have been wary of it and the many creepy crawlies, such as spiders, that reside in it. I’ve never truly been scared enough to keep me from enjoying alone time in it.

The basement was always one of the few places I could actually escape to. The rest of the house was infested with the rest of my family and I shared a bedroom with my sister. And while I also enjoyed going out on the swing in the backyard. I could easily be seen by family members looking out the windows and strangers walking or driving past. So the basement was the only place I had left to myself. After all, I was never good at making friends and I had none that I was comfortable crying in front of no matter how “close” we got.

The basement was the only place I could cry. And I have cried down there many times. Sobbed my eyes out silently so as to not alert anyone within hearing range. I haven’t sobbed aloud in ages. I don’t like crying and I definitely don’t like crying loudly. So I’ve taught myself to sob silently into my hand and I’ve ingrained it into myself enough that now my first instinct is to, well first hold in the tears as I usually do, but then my second instinct is to hide my face and silent my cries.

The only person I’ve cried in front of recently is my sister. And even then it was completely silent out of fear of my parents just down the hall.

 

So the question I’m left with is, what is left? What is left for me? What is left behind with my past friends? What is left when I leave?

But I don’t think I will leave. After all, I’ve been threatened with hell my whole life. Leaving me with a fear of what comes after I die. Besides, I wouldn’t say I’m fully Christian at least partly agnostic. So I don’t know what to believe. And while I don’t think we can truly know until we die, I’m still stuck in fear brought on by my Christian roots which I can’t seem to leave behind.

 

Instead of leaving. I’m stuck. I’m stuck living a life from which I get little pleasure with no close friends and no friends I truly enjoy being around. I’m not close with most of my family either. All I have is many good acquaintances and my sister. That’s another reason I can’t leave because while I’m as selfish as any other I still feel bad because I know it would make people upset, especially my sister and some of my “friends” that I’ve recently begun to separate from.

 

So what am I to do when there is nothing left for me other than living an unfulfilling lonely life? Well currently what lies ahead of me is taking the melatonin I’ll be trying for the first time to see if that manages to bring me rest because recently I haven’t been able to drift off easily. At night I keep getting struck with intense paranoia, a feeling of restlessness, and I simply don’t feel tired. All of those combined have kept me up quite late into the night. Typically when I can’t sleep, I just do meaningless things here and there until I’ve worn my body into exhaustion and I can barely keep my eyes open. Yet that hasn’t worked. So melatonin is my next best option.

 

I’ve only had melatonin twice before. Both were at sleepovers of sorts because this is my first time owning melatonin. Both times it was supplied by “friends.” And both times it didn’t seem to do much yet here I am hoping that this time it will be different.

 

And isn’t that the definition of insanity? Doing something over and over, expecting a different result. 

Who really knows at this point what defines insanity? Certainly not me, considering if that is the definition I would be considered insane myself.

 

Oh well. Going back to my question. What is left? It’s a fairly open-ended question. What is left where, when, what, and how? There are many ways you could adjust it to whittle down the field of answers but I’m still young and I don’t intend to leave yet, so you could say my life is also fairly open-ended. The only question that is left is, who decides in the end what will be left for me?

 


Submitted: June 11, 2022

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