The Baptism of Eddie Dee

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Something unfortunate but memorable happened on an otherwise uneventful day at the zoo. This true event is set to the rhythm and rhyme scheme of Robert W. Service's poem "The Cremation of Sam McGee."

The Baptism of Edward E.

By Eddie Dee

(With apologies “post-humorously” to Robert W. Service for any resemblance to “The Cremation of Sam McGee”)

There are strange things done by a preacher’s son
In the course of living his life.
Like other males, I could tell you tales
Of problems, frustrations, and strife.
But of all the relations of my tribulations
No stranger account could I do
Than the one ’bout a lark in Forest Park
In the city of Old St. Lou’.

There was much to do on a day at the zoo
With my spouse and both of our of kids.
We would watch a bear, get gum in our hair,
Drink sodas without straws and lids.
We would pet a goat, stroke a lamb’s fur coat,
And most of the fun was free,
But you’d be correct that we didn’t expect
The baptism of Eddie Dee.

Well, a hot wind blew through the St. Louis Zoo
On that humid day in July.
It was in the days of the Hippie craze,
And the love of “American Pie.”
What’s weird as heck is a giraffe’s neck
And that silly, long-legged emu,
But for my small change, there is nothing as strange
As the people you see at the zoo.

My wife and I were about to fry
As we entered the house of the cats.
It smelled so bad you would say “Egad,”
And the kids were behaving like brats.
Though about to roast we stood engrossed
In front of a leopard reclined.
She twitched her tail in her leopard jail
As she pointed toward us her behind.

Well, as luck would be, we happened to see
Approaching the cat house door
A hippie pair with long straggly hair
And bell-bottoms dragging the floor.
They were covered with beads, eating pumpkin seeds
And signing that two-fingered blessing.
As they came inside, my mouth opened wide
In shock at the way they were dressing.

If the action you stopped while my jaw was dropped,
And you analyzed what you were seein’,
As I turned my head south, the line toward my mouth
Was the stream that the leopard was peein’.
From the tip of her nose to her tail, I suppose,
That leopard was six foot three
She had a huge bladder which served up the splatter—
The baptism of Eddie Dee.

Well, I started to choke, and I grabbed for my Coke
And I took a big slug, and I spurted.
With my gagging and heaving, it just wasn’t leaving—
The taste of what that cat had squirted.
For the rest of the day there wasn’t a way
I could get rid of that awful taste.
Not ice cream or candy or anything handy
Including a tube of toothpaste.

Well, it coulda been worse, I say in this verse,
For me when the big cat was tinkling.
If I’d been a Baptist when the big leopard pissed,
Mighta been immersion, not sprinkling.
From a Methodist P.K.* who’s had a bad day
To you this wise tip, do follow it:
Don’t stand at the rear of a leopard, you hear;
If you do and get baptized, don’t swallow it.
 

*preacher’s kid


Submitted: June 13, 2022

© Copyright 2022 Eddie Dee. All rights reserved.

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Comments

charlamaye

WELL DONE Eddie! (-:

Mon, June 13th, 2022 2:46am

Author
Reply

Thank you!

Sun, June 12th, 2022 7:51pm

charlamaye

I have something for u

Mon, June 13th, 2022 3:05am

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