57 Words.


I find him again.

He stares at me.

His eyes are wide and empty.

 

I remember how he once was.

The light that once filled his eyes.

The hope that once carried him on.

 

I approach him.

He approaches me.

I can’t reach him.

The cold mirror keeps us apart.

 

He stares at me.

I stare back.



Submitted: July 08, 2022

© Copyright 2022 Matthew Hair. All rights reserved.

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Comments

FromBlackToViloet

This here was a great imagery of illusion and metaphorically. At first you think he kept staring at someone, which you used great with the tone of voice as their feelings change to how this person once looked. It’s as if this person is looking numbly, since they have no more expression. They say eyes are windows to the soul which is really true for what this person has observed. I really like the plot twist in the end, you sort of alluded that the person might the person themselves, but you couldn’t quite tell. It was a great way to end, especially leaving the repeative lines I stare again. Overall, I personally enjoyed it, especially the twist at the end. It’s funny how our reflections shows the brutal truth. The only thing maybe I can critic really. You seem to be writing in present tense here, I just put a suggestion in blue to keep it present tense. Really well done, glad you got out of your comfort zone and tried out a poem which is a reflection of yourself I’m guessing:)

Fri, July 8th, 2022 8:00pm

Author
Reply

Thanks a lot. I appreciate your thoughts!
:)

Mon, July 11th, 2022 9:35pm

CreativeMarauder

Reminds me of an Alec Benjamin song I sing fairly often, "Oh My God."

Excellent subversion of my expectations halfway through with the twist of the mirror.

A little mind-fucky (in a good way) with the last line changing the pronouns. Who is I? The subconscious? The higher will? Who is he? How has he achieved this disharmony?

I'm not a poetry guy, but this "feels" correct.

Sat, July 9th, 2022 3:23pm

Author
Reply

I looked up that song and I think I've found a new favorite artist. Thanks for that. I appreciate your thoughts.
:)

Mon, July 11th, 2022 9:36pm

olive tree

it's good b/c it comes from a deep place

"Brevity is the soul of wit."

Sun, July 10th, 2022 9:55pm

Author
Reply

Thanks. Those are words to live by.

:)

Mon, July 11th, 2022 9:37pm

G.P.Sharp

Short and succinct, but the amount you accomplish in that time, the impact, is astounding. I tend to overpack the message and drone on with my words whenever I try my hand in poetry, so a piece like this both impresses me and I think can really teach me something moving forward. As this is a review chain review, I'm supposed to find something to criticize, but I don't think I have the poetic know-how to do so. It is very short, but I think that's one of the best things about it, nor do I think I can suggest any better word choice than what you already have. Nice job!

Tue, July 12th, 2022 2:44am

Author
Reply

Thanks a lot. I have that problem too. I spent a long time cutting this poem down. Looking at it now, I can't believe it was almost 200 words before. I appreciate your thoughts and I'll definitely check out that memoir you wrote too. Good luck in the contest!
:)

Mon, July 11th, 2022 10:00pm

Greythereadaholic

I loved the simplicity of this and how it makes every word important. I especially loved the repetition you used in the lines with approach and stare because it gives the same doubled effect a mirror gives and helps deliver the poem's message. To be honest, I'm not really into poetry, so I don't have any constructive criticism to give.

Good luck with the contest!

Tue, July 12th, 2022 7:46pm

Lucas Barstow

Looking into a mirror, cleverly hidden behind looking at someone else, maybe not recognising the person you look at. Possibly depression? Very good.
Since I’m trying to force criticism I’d say the line count in each section could be restructured to mirror itself better.

Wed, July 13th, 2022 3:25pm

charlamaye

nice job Mr. Hair (-:

Tue, July 19th, 2022 6:28pm

Author
Reply

Thanks!

Tue, July 19th, 2022 1:37pm

Archia

I really enjoyed your poem and it was great to see you do something different. I think the brevity certainly meant that each line became more impactful and carried more weight to it. I found myself thinking more carefully over each which I quite enjoyed. After all my careful thinking though, I think there are many different ways this poem could be interpreted and I don't know if the way I see it is right but it doesn't matter because that's what makes it interesting. Great poem.

Sun, July 31st, 2022 6:54am

Author
Reply

Thanks, Archia. I appreciate your thoughts!

Wed, August 10th, 2022 1:09pm

charlamaye

Nice I have two poems that you might enjoy they're called Peter and Paul and I think you're beautiful

Wed, August 24th, 2022 6:42pm

KateWrites

This to me is the narrator staring at himself. I'm thankful that lit is open to interpretation (as it totally might not have the viewpoint that you were going for. :) ) but every time I read and re-read this, I was convinced it was a moment of self-reflection. People do evolve and not always for the better. I hope that the two personas can reach one another and find some common ground that is mutually satisfying.

Great work and fantastic to have pared it down from 200 words. That's what so tantalising to me about short fiction: every word has to earn its place on the page. You have achieved that here. Well done, Matthew.

Mon, September 26th, 2022 7:58pm

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