The Valley of The Tools Episode 51

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

In the series finale of The Valley of The Tools, Rob attempts to repair his relationship both with McKenzie and the comedy theatre he purchased, but also with Colleen. McKenzie is surprised by an unconventional proposal from Kevin. Whitney must choose between putting her nose to the grindstone at work or letting herself process grief. Miles adopts a Peruvian child to improve his reputation. Luther gets in trouble with the law. Evelyn moves up at Stone Productions and chooses to deprioritize romantic relationships. Bonnie receives a visit from an old nemesis.

THE VALLEY OF THE TOOLS

 

“PETER PAN’S FLIGHT PT. V”

 

TV-MA DLSV

 

“We don't follow fashion! That'd be a joke. You know we're going to set them, set them. So everyone can take note, take note. When they saw you kneeling- crying words that you mean. Opening their eyeballs, eyeballs, pretending that you're Al Green, Al Green”

  • Adam Ant

 

(Open on Kevin pulling up to Evelyn’s apartment building in his car. He checks the covered parking spaces and sees Luther’s car is not there. He lightly taps the horn. Evelyn comes out and scurries down to his car, as he gets out)

 

KEVIN: Hey, you ready?

 

EVELYN: Yes.

 

KEVIN: Is everything okay?

 

(Evelyn nods)

 

EVELYN: Yes. Definitely. I’m not worried.

 

(Kevin raises his eyebrows)

 

KEVIN: …Okay, great, that makes me feel confident, alright- (Kevin takes out his key fob and pops the trunk. He pulls out a large chest and places it on the pavement. He retracts the clasps and opens up the chest to reveal that its empty) Okay, get in.

 

EVELYN: Alright.

 

(Evelyn steps in and curls up inside. Kevin closes the chest and drags it to the back seat of the car, where he places it and closes the door, and then shuts the trunk, gets in his car, and drives off. Cut to McKenzie sitting at home, reading “White Fragility” by Robin Diangelo. We hear Kevin opening the door, carrying a heavy chest with him, huffing and puffing all the way)

 

KEVIN: Ho, ho, ho, ya hoes.

 

(McKenzie puts her book down)

 

MCKENZIE: I hated that.

 

KEVIN: But you’re not gonna hate what I have in store for you.

 

MCKENZIE: Is it in that chest?

 

KEVIN: You bet it is.

 

(McKenzie puts the book on the table)

 

MCKENZIE: Okay, I’m curious, what do you got for me?

 

KEVIN: The question is- WHO do I have for you?

 

MCKENZIE: What? I hope that’s not the question-

 

KEVIN: Don’t worry, this isn’t human trafficking-

 

MCKENZIE: I wanna be clear, that I’m VERY worried.

 

KEVIN: Don’t be. I want to introduce someone new into our equation, here.

 

MCKENZIE: Okay?

 

KEVIN: You ready? (McKenzie nervously nods. Kevin opens the chest, and Evelyn pops out) Ta-da!

 

EVELYN: Hello, McKenzie.

 

(McKenzie furrows her brow, and stands up)

 

MCKENZIE: What the fuck?

 

KEVIN: What do you think?

 

MCKENZIE: She’s engaged!

 

EVELYN: No, actually, I broke it off with Luther. It was nothing personal, and I want to make it clear that it was also not mutual.

 

MCKENZIE: Okay, well, that doesn’t really make me feel better. I don’t want to get in the middle of any spats between you two.

 

KEVIN: Okay, well, I don’t think you need to worry about Luther- he’s a push-over, we all know this.

 

MCKENZIE: Okay, that’s, mean.

 

EVELYN: But it is true.

 

KEVIN: Yeah, he’s not gonna do anything crazy-

 

(Cut to Luther white-knuckling his steering wheel as he speeds down the highway, while listening to UGK loud as fuck. He starts screaming with anger. Cut back to McKenzie, Kevin and Evelyn)

 

MCKENZIE: When did you guys break it off, a few days ago?

 

EVELYN: What time is it now, Kevin?

 

MCKENZIE: Oh, Jesus-

 

(McKenzie sits down and crosses her legs)

 

KEVIN: It’s 7 o’clock.

 

EVELYN: Okay, so it’s been at least thirty minutes-

 

MCKENZIE: THIRTY MINUTES?!

 

KEVIN: AT LEAST, SHE SAID!

 

(McKenzie sighs and pulls out a pack of American Spirits)

 

MCKENZIE: This is insane- have you guys had sex before?

 

KEVIN: McKenzie, she was engaged for God’s sake, what kind of animal do you think I am?

 

MCKENZIE: You cheated one me once!
 

KEVIN: Yeah, and considering how many sanctioned affairs I have, do you really think I’d have time for an additional unsanctioned one?

 

(McKenzie sighs and rolls her eyes)

 

MCKENZIE: I guess not?

 

EVELYN: Forgive me for being forward, McKenzie, but- (McKenzie lights a cigarette) do you not find me attractive?

 

(McKenzie exhales smoke in exasperation)

 

MCKENZIE: No, it’s not- yes, of course, you’re attractive. Your proportions are immaculate, you look like you’re wearing contour make-up when I know for a fact that you don’t. Your boobs are a perfect size, not too big, not too small- it’s not- that’s not the point.

 

KEVIN: I think that’s the entire point.

 

EVELYN: Agreed.

 

(McKenzie sighs and looks up at them expectantly. Kevin and Evelyn trade looks. We cut to Luther pulling up to McKenzie and Kevin’s house, and he jumps out of the car and marches angrily to the front door. He peeks through the window and sees no one in the living room, but he sees a tank top sitting on the coffee table. He clenches his fist and marches back to his car, where he grabs his gun from the glovebox and marches around to the back of the house. He creaks open the gate to the backyard and walks to the window peering into the bedroom. He sees Kevin and Evelyn making out while naked. McKenzie is meanwhile sucking on Kevin’s neck, while shirtless. Anger flares in Luther’s eyes, and he rushes to the backdoor, he tries the knob, and finds it unlocked. He walks inside and approaches the open door to the bedroom)

 

LUTHER: HEY, JACOBSON!

 

(Everyone turns their attention to Luther as he barrels toward them holding a firearm)

 

KEVIN: OH, SHIT! (McKenzie screams, and Evelyn puts her hands up and steps aside as Luther bursts into the room, grabs Kevin by the hair) LUTHER, LUTHER, RELAX-

 

(Luther pistol whips Kevin in the face, bloodying him severely)

 

KEVIN: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

 

(Luther pulls Kevin by the face and tosses him against the wall, and he crumples to the floor as McKenzie and Evelyn stand by helplessly)

 

LUTHER: You piece of SHIT. (Luther spits on Kevin as he cowers on the floor. He then turns to Evelyn) I can’t fucking believe you. Actually- I can’t believe how STUPID I was not to see.

 

(McKenzie looks at Evelyn)

 

MCKENZIE: So you two WERE sleeping together?

 

KEVIN: Somebody call an ambulance, please!

 

(Evelyn looks at McKenzie and nods)

 

EVELYN: I’m sorry. (McKenzie stares forward and stews) Luther, I’m gonna call the police.

 

(Luther chuckles)

 

LUTHER: How did I know that’s how our relationship would end?

 

(Luther storms out and rushes out the backdoor. Evelyn takes out her phone and hurriedly dials 911. McKenzie rushes to Kevin’s side, examining his face)

 

MCKENZIE: Are you alright?!

 

KEVIN: He pistol-whipped me!!

 

EVELYN: Hello? We need the police and an ambulance at 802 Peachwillow Drive in Brentwood- there’s been an assault.

 

MCKENZIE: You didn’t deserve that.

 

KEVIN: Thanks.

 

EVELYN: Directions? I don’t know- where’s the nearest police precinct!?

 

MCKENZIE: You deserved something close though.

 

(Kevin looks down shamefully)

 

EVELYN: I think you can take Guthrie to Brentwood-

 

(Cut to Kevin being loaded into an ambulance in front of the Park-Jacobson residence. McKenzie and Evelyn are standing by as the EMTs close the ambulance doors)

 

MCKENZIE: Is it really necessary to take him in?

 

EMT: He likely suffered a concussion, we just need to monitor him.

 

EVELYN: Thank you.

 

EMT: No worries.

 

(The EMTs hop in the ambulance and drive away. McKenzie and Evelyn turn to a uniformed police officer named Officer Joshua Hale, a white guy with a shaved-head and wraparound sunglasses, holding a notepad and pen)

 

OFFICER HALE: Can you describe the suspect?

 

EVELYN: He’s a chubby African American male in his late 30s, and he looks like my ex-fiancé Luther Moon.

 

OFFICER HALE: Is he your ex-fiancé Luther Moon-?

 

EVELYN: Yes, he is.

 

OFFICER HALE: Okay, what’s his address and phone number?

 

EVELYN: Same as my address, 2512 Kansas Avenue in Santa Monica, unit 9392. His phone number is 312-411-9655.

 

(Officer Hale closes his notepad)

 

OFFICER HALE: Okay, thank you-

 

EVELYN: He works at Stone Productions in Van Nuys, though he’ll probably be fired soon-

 

MCKENZIE: Evelyn-

 

EVELYN: He frequently goes over the speed limit, sometimes fifteen miles over, and he’s a card-carrying member of the Screen Actors Guild, a rabble-rousing union-

 

MCKENZIE: JESUS, Evelyn!
 

(Officer Hale gets his notepad back out and starts jotting more things down)

 

OFFICER HALE: Noted, thank you so much.

 

EVELYN: Sorry I got carried away, my dad was a cop.

 

OFFICER HALE: It’s rare to meet someone who respects the shield anymore, so I appreciate it. Tell your dad I thank him for his service to his community.

 

EVELYN: He abandoned me when I was young and I haven’t spoken to him in thirty years, but I’ll pass that message on if I ever see him again.

 

(Hale pauses for a second to take that in, nods, and then hands Evelyn his card)

 

OFFICER HALE: Call me if you think of anything else, or if you ever need private security.

 

EVELYN: Thank you. I will.

 

(Hale smiles and walks away, gets in his car, and drives off. McKenzie shakes her head)

 

MCKENZIE: I can’t believe you fucked Kevin.

 

EVELYN: Kevin has sex with everyone, openly.

 

MCKENZIE: BUT HE GETS MY PERMISSION, THAT’S THE DEAL! (Evelyn recoils. McKenzie sighs and rubs her forehead) You’re just as responsible for what happened in there as Luther was. But it’s him alone that bears the consequences- you’re siccing the police on him!

 

EVELYN: He committed a crime!

 

MCKENZIE: I am afraid to know your politics, girl.

 

EVELYN: Why? I voted for Joe Biden, I’m a good liberal.

 

(McKenzie rolls her eyes and walks away, as we see Evelyn furrow her brow slightly in confusion and shame. Cut to Xandra sitting in a sterile white cell. There cell is outfitted with a gray door with a slit at the top. Xandra is wearing white fatigues and is staring at the ceiling, seemingly mesmerized by the flickering fluorescent light. There’s a quiet rap at the door, and when she looks over, a woman in white scrubs peeks her head in)

 

NURSE: Hi, Xandra, someone’s here to see you.

 

(Xandra scoots over and puts her head against the wall, as Xandra’s Korean American lawyer Suk-ja Kyung walks in and sits down across from her)

 

SUK-JA KYUNG: Xandra. (Xandra doesn’t budge) Xandra, can you look at me? (Kyung sighs) Xandra, the prosecution has agreed to delay sentencing until you get better. So that’s all you have to worry about while you’re in here, okay? Getting better. (Xandra shifts mildly in her seat) …Okay. Well. Good luck. I gave my number to your nurse, if you ever want to call me. I’ll let you know if anything changes.

 

(Suk-Ja Kyung gets up and walks out of the room. The nurse closes the door. Xandra lies on her back and closes her eyes, as we slowly zoom out. Cut to McKenzie having a cigarette ten feet away from the main entrance of Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. Shira runs over)

 

SHIRA: Hey! (Shira hugs McKenzie) I’m so sorry-

 

(McKenzie tears up)

 

MCKENZIE: It’s okay. Thanks for coming.

 

(Shira lets go of McKenzie)

 

SHIRA: What happened?

 

(McKenzie wipes tears away)

 

MCKENZIE: Kevin was sleeping with an engaged woman, that’s what happened.

 

SHIRA: Jesus Christ.

 

MCKENZIE: Yeah.

 

(McKenzie throws her cigarette down and smashes it with her foot)

 

SHIRA: Is he okay?

 

MCKENZIE: He got concussed, they’re keeping him for observation.

 

SHIRA: Let’s sit.

 

(Shira and McKenzie go over to a bench outside the hospital and sit down)

 

MCKENZIE: Goddamnit, can the last two weeks get any fucking worse?

 

SHIRA: Hard to imagine how it could, but life finds a way.

 

MCKENZIE: What do you mean?

 

(Shira chuckles)

 

SHIRA: You know what I mean.

 

MCKENZIE: NO, I DON’T!

 

(Shira recoils at this reaction)

 

SHIRA: I’m sorry?

 

MCKENZIE: Why did you tell Kevin that you felt like the “spark had died” between us?

 

SHIRA: …I don’t know, I guess I was worried?

 

MCKENZIE: Worried for what?!

 

SHIRA: Worried for you two, why are you mad at me?

 

MCKENZIE: Because you should WANT us to be having problems, shouldn’t you?

 

SHIRA: Why would I want that?

 

MCKENZIE: Don’t you wanna be with me- what the fuck are we doing otherwise?!

 

(Shira narrows her eyes)

 

SHIRA: What- do you want me to be thrilled that your boyfriend got pistol-whipped? I’m not.

 

(McKenzie groans)

 

MCKENZIE: No, I just want to know where we are. If you wanted to be with me, ultimately, you’d avoid contact with my boyfriend at all costs. But instead, you’re concerned for our relationship? It doesn’t compute, Shira. It really doesn’t.

 

SHIRA: I thought we were screwing around, this is what this whole thing was about.

 

MCKENZIE: Is that all you want?

 

SHIRA: What I want is for you to be happy- clearly, Kevin makes you happy. Otherwise, you would’ve left him years ago.

 

(McKenzie gets up and stares at Shira)

 

MCKENZIE: …Do I look happy, to you?

 

(Shira sighs)

 

SHIRA: …I can’t read minds, Kenz.

 

(McKenzie wipes tears from her eyes again and looks away)

 

MCKENZIE: Thanks for visiting. I’ll tell Kevin you send your regards.

 

SHIRA: Good.

 

(Shira gets up, walks over, kisses McKenzie on the cheek, and walks away. McKenzie steels herself as she walks back into Cedars-Sinai. Cut to Karoline Safa teaching an improv class, with McKenzie as the TA. Rob, alongside eight others, is one of the students, sitting on cheap plastic chairs in front of them, in an echoey room with white brick walls)

 

KAROLINE: I want everyone to welcome Robert Altmire to the class- (Polite applause. Rob smiles and nods his head) I know it’s near the end of the semester, but he’s the new owner of Guffaw’s and he decided he would be well-served to see how the sausage is made.

 

ROB: It’s humbling to be among the plaid-shirted masses. Welcome.

 

MCKENZIE: Did you just welcome yourself?

 

ROB: No, I am welcoming everyone to what I call, “The Robert Altmire Experience”.  

 

MCKENZIE: Is that just the experience of being in your presence?

 

ROB: Yes- any other questions?

 

MCKENZIE: Yeah, why do you think-

 

KAROLINE: Okay, Kenz, that’s plenty.

 

MCKENZIE: Uh-huh.

 

KAROLINE: Let’s get into it, everyone moves the chairs to the sides, except for two in the middle.

 

(Everyone scoots their chairs to the sides, and Rob scoots two chairs to the back of the “stage”)

 

ROB: I’m ready, let’s do this.

 

KAROLINE: Sure, Rob, we’ll start with you. Who wants to volunteer for the scene with Rob?

 

(A short, mousy young woman with a pointed nose, wearing a floral dress raises her hand)

 

WOMAN: I will.

 

KAROLINE: Great, Moira, step forward.

 

(Moira steps forward. Rob smirks and extends his hand. Moira shakes it)

 

ROB: Nice to meet you, Moira.

 

MOIRA: Yeah, you too.

 

ROB: That’s a lovely dress.

 

MOIRA: Thanks, I got it at thrift store-

 

KAROLINE: Okay, so we’ve been working on character the last few weeks. That’s why McKenzie is going to give each of you a character attribute, and your job is to exaggerate that attribute. Understood? (Rob and Moira nod) McKenzie, what do you have for Moira?

 

MCKENZIE: Assertive.

 

KAROLINE: Okay, and Rob?

 

MCKENZIE: Shy.

 

KAROLINE: Very good. And remember the basics- establish where you are, who you are to each other, and why you’re there. Let’s get a word from one of you to get started- Chase?

 

(Chase, a shy student in his late 20s pipes up)

 

CHASE: Jazz.

 

KAROLINE: “Jazz” is your word. Go ahead.

 

(Rob pantomimes playing a saxophone, and Moira struts up to him with her hands on her hips)

 

MOIRA: (Affected transatlantic accent) Hey, you play a pretty sweet sax, I gotta say- (Rob bends back and freaks out on the sax like he’s playing an epic solo) ooh, wow, and you’re a flexible saxophonist, too-

 

(Rob takes the “sax” out of his mouth)

 

ROB: Damn right I’m flexible, I leapt over HELLA hurdles in high school, set a local record. Look it up. Winthrop High School, class of ’96.

 

KAROLINE: (To McKenzie) Is that where he went to high school?

 

MCKENZIE: (To Moira) Yep.

 

ROB: Anyway, you seem pretty flexible too-

 

KAROLINE: Okay, scene. (Rob and Moira look at her) Rob. Remember, you’re supposed to be shy.

 

ROB: I know, but I felt the direction I took it in was funnier.

 

KAROLINE: Well, I’d appreciate it if you followed the rules of the exercise. Moira, thank you for volunteering, but let’s get someone else to play with Rob.

 

(Gordon raises his hand)

 

GORDON: I’m down! This guy’s hilarious-

 

KAROLINE: NOPE! I mean- no, Chase, let’s have you come out.

 

(Chase walks out, and Rob repositions himself to face him)

 

CHASE: Hi.

 

ROB: How are ya, kiddo? (Rob pats Chase on the shoulder) I used to be just like you, ya know? Never give up!

 

CHASE: You don’t know me-

 

KAROLINE: Okay, focus up. McKenzie? Character attributes.

 

 

MCKENZIE: Meek.

 

KAROLINE: …For who?

 

MCKENZIE: Rob.

 

KAROLINE: …And for Chase?

 

MCKENZIE: Oh. Um. Loud.

 

(Karoline squints)

 

KAROLINE: Okay, great, go. A word?

 

GORDON: Boner!

 

(Rob stifles a laugh)

 

KAROLINE: Let’s go with “cabin”. Go.

 

(Chase pantomimes carrying some legs)

 

CHASE: You ready to start the fire!?

 

ROB: Oh yeah, sure- whoa, do you have a boner?

 

CHASE: Uhhh-what?

 

(Gordon cracks up)

 

ROB: Do cabins turn you on or something?

 

CHASE: No, I’m just- I want to start a fire to roast some hot dogs-

 

ROB: Well, I’m pretty meek, but I notice you got a hot dog roasting already! (Gordon claps loudly as he cackles) No offense, buddy, but I’m straight.

 

KAROLINE: ENOUGH! You know what, Rob, we’re gonna do a new exercise. Chase, you can step aside.

 

(Chase steps aside)

 

ROB: What?! I said I was meek!
 

MCKENZIE: Jesus Christ, Rob.

 

KAROLINE: New exercise- Rob, you’re not allowed to talk or move. Molly, go ahead and join him. (Molly steps out) If you speak or move, I end the scene. Molly, you can do literally whatever you want. Can we get a word?

 

MOIRA: Asshole.

 

KAROLINE: The word is “asshole”, go ahead.

 

(Rob stands there, as Molly gets in his face)

 

MOLLY: Hey, dickbag, you starin’ at my girl, bro!? What?! What?! Don’t got nothin’ to say, pussy? (Everybody laughs, except for Gordon, Rob, Molly and McKenzie) You a weak little bitch, huh? I could kick you in the nuts, but I don’t think you’d feel it.  (Laughter. Rob flares his eyes at McKenzie. McKenzie shrugs) You scared, I can tell. You a little rich boy who got everything handed to him- including this comedy theatre[ and you talk a big game, but when push comes to shove, you ain’t shit.

 

(More laughter. Rob opens his mouth, but Karoline lifts her finger)

 

KAROLINE: Hey! Remember the rules of the exercise.

 

(Rob shuts up)

 

MOLLY: Speakin’ of shove. (Molly shoves Rob in the chest) Fuck you, bitch.

 

KAROLINE: And scene! Give it up, everybody!

 

(Everyone applauds, except Rob, Gordon and McKenzie. Rob looks angrily toward McKenzie. McKenzie looks down and away. Rob angrily marches out and slams the door behind him. McKenzie turns to Karoline as the class descends into excited chatter)

 

MCKENZIE: Karoline- was that necessary?

 

KAROLINE: Listen, I know he’s the owner, but I had nip it in the bud. I should’ve done the same with Gordon early on, but I waited weeks instead.

 

MCKENZIE: Still, that was brutal.

 

KAROLINE: If he wants to fire me, he can fire me, he’s running this place into the shitter, anyway.

 

(McKenzie looks away bites her top lip nervously. Cut to Rob walking up to the bar at Guffaw’s. Shira’s working the bar and walks up to him)

 

SHIRA: What’ll it be, Rob?

 

ROB: Whiskey on the rocks.

 

SHIRA: ‘Kay. By the way, I love working with Colleen, but sometimes I’m concerned she’s not really pulling her weight?

 

(Shira nods over to Colleen, who’s sitting on the bar painting her toenails and listening to loud pop music on her Air Pods. Pan back to Rob and Shira)

 

ROB: Can I get that whiskey, please?

 

(Shira shoots a glare at Rob but goes ahead and makes his drink in a huff, and hands it to him. He takes a sip and raises his glass to Colleen, who catches sight of him and waves excitedly. Rob throws back his drink and taps the bar for another. Cut to Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti sitting in his luxurious living room, speaking on the phone while his red-headed wife Amy Wakeland sips a cup of tea while working on her laptop)

 

MAYOR GARCETTI: Councilman Buscaino, I trust that our war on homelessness is going well? (Muffled response) Uh-huh. Well- we should probably call it a “war on homelessness” not a “war on the homeless”, you know? I feel like that sends the wrong message- yes, of course we agree on the substance, I’m just saying, we should think about optics-

 

(We hear a door creaking open from down the hall)

 

AMY: What the hell?

 

MAYOR GARCETTI: Joe, I gotta call you back.

 

(Garcetti hangs up as Miles Grothman drunkenly stumbles down the hall and waves. Garcetti and Wakeland stand up)

 

MILES: Mr. Mayor! WAZZZUUUUUP!?

 

AMY: Who the fuck is this!?

 

MAYOR GARCETTI: I really shouldn’t have given him my house key.

 

MILES: You said I could barge in ANYTIME, day or night! AND! You said I’m a HERO, bitch!

 

MAYOR GARCETTI: Well- you’re sort of cancelled now, so if you don’t mind-

 

MILES: Do you want a Peruvian kid? He’s out in the car.

 

MAYOR GARCETTI: Alert security, Amy.

 

(Amy runs off)

 

MILES: Can you give mea pardon, at least?

 

MAYOR GARCETTI: Are you even accused of a crime?

 

MILES: Yep! In Peru. Those fuckers are out for blood, too- look!
 

(Miles holds up a phone displaying a tweet from @PedtroCastilloTe- “Miles Grothman es un sinvergüenza repugnante, que usó y abusó de nuestras poblaciones indígenas para su documental enfermizo. Su bigote también es increíblemente espeluznante. Presidente Biden, exigimos que extradite a este gordo de mierda, para que podamos darle la pena de muerte. ¡Aunque probablemente se necesitarán algunos golpes de hacha para atravesar ese cuello grueso!” Under that tweet is the translated version, reading “Miles Grothman is a disgusting scoundrel, who used and abused our indigenous populations for his sick documentary. His mustache is also incredibly creepy. President Biden- we demand you extradite this fat fuck, so we can give him the death penalty. Though it will probably take a few swings of the axe to get through that thick neck!” Cut to Evelyn and Whitney in the conference room at Stone Productions. Whitney is holding an icepack to her head, and has an enormous 7-11 coffee in front of her)

 

WHITNEY: Ugh…where’s Luther?

 

EVELYN: He’s in jail.

 

WHITNEY: Oh, yeah. I guess we should fire him, huh?

 

EVELYN: I already did.

 

WHITNEY: Jesus, with Luther gone, and Rob gone, who’s left besides us?

 

EVELYN: Rob’s not gone. Rob?

 

(Rob walks in and sits down)

 

WHITNEY: What are you doing here?

 

ROB: I spoke to Evelyn. She told me about all the clients peeling off, based on your, meltdown at Oppenheim.

 

(Whitney squints)

 

WHITNEY: What? You’re a silent partner, why is she-?

 

ROB: Whitney. You lost the love of your life two weeks ago. (Rob leans forward) Nobody would expect you to jump back in and be a hundred percent.

 

WHITNEY: What does that mean? Are you doubting my abilities?

 

ROB: No- I’m not. Truly, I’m not. In the right state of mind, there’s nobody better.

 

EVELYN: But you’re not in the right state of mind, Whitney. Nobody would be, in your situation.

 

WHITNEY: Don’t fucking gaslight me- I know how to do my job. I do my grieving off the clock.

 

EVELYN: Whitney, you become intoxicated everyday at work, you call clients and yell at them, and this morning an Uber driver had to drag you out of his car and prop you up in front of your desk because you were sleeping and could not be awoken. (Whitney looks down, embarrassed) He also put some papers and a stapler in your hand, which I thought was a weird touch.

 

WHITNEY: I’m trying to live my life, it’s the only thing that dulls the pain.

 

EVELYN: That, and alcohol.

 

WHITNEY: Fuck you, Evelyn.

 

ROB: Hey- she didn’t mean that. Come on, Evelyn.

 

(Evelyn takes a deep breath)

 

EVELYN: …I’m sorry.

 

ROB: …We’re just trying to look out for you. Maybe you need to take time to process your grief, and not run from it.

 

WHITNEY: Oh, is the choice mine? Because this feels like a fucking ambush.

 

ROB: It’s not. (Rob sighs) We think you should take some time off.

 

WHITNEY: Or else?

 

ROB: There’s no “or else”. I can’t force you out on my own. You’re the other half of this company.

 

WHITNEY: Well, you’re not gonna convince me to leave on my own. Especially if I’m leaving the company in your hands!

 

ROB: No, I’d sell my shares to Evelyn. She’s beyond capable, you know that.

 

EVELYN: And Whitney, if you don’t take a leave of absence and restore the faith of our remaining clients, then there won’t be a company for you to return to. Or, for you to stay at.

 

ROB: You know what she means.

 

(Whitney rubs her forehead)

 

WHITNEY: …How does a month sound?

 

(Rob and Evelyn look at one another, then back at Whitney)

 

EVELYN: That’s a start.

 

(Evelyn stands up and shakes Whitney’s hand. Whitney then goes over to Rob, as he extends his hand. Whitney takes it and squeezes it. Rob puts his other hand on top of her hand and squeezes it. Rob meets Whitney’s dampening eyes)

 

ROB: …Thank you.

 

(Whitney bursts into tears. Rob walks over and hugs Whitney tight. Evelyn stands by, casting her gaze down with discomfort. Cut to Rob sitting on the couch at his house, watching Andrew Buckley on KTLA with a graphic over his shoulder showing Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort. Colleen is in the kitchen behind him, microwaving some frozen food)

 

ANDREW: An FBI raid on former President Trump’s Mar-a-Lago residence has sent shockwaves through American politics tonight- as Trump supporters vow violent retribution and liberals vow violent condemnation of violence, Americans are left with the bone-chilling question, can Presidents actually be held accountable for crimes? (Andrew Buckley shudders) Too frightening to contemplate. In related news- (A mugshot of Trey Goodlatte with a black eye and missing teeth comes up) Trey Goodlatte, one of the rioters convicted for the January 6th attack on the U.S. capitol was arrested today for pressing his flaccid penis against the window of the FBI field office on Wilshire Boulevard while armed with a semi-automatic rifle.

 

ROB: HA! That takes a load off my mind.

 

(The doorbell rings, as Colleen takes out the frozen food and begins mixing it)

 

COLLEEN: You want me to get it?

 

ROB: No, babe, I’ll get it. You can bring that to bed, if you want, I’ll be in in a little bit.

 

COLLEEN: Okay.

 

(Colleen walks into the bedroom. Rob turns off the TV and gets up, walking towards the door. Rob opens the door and sees McKenzie)

 

MCKENZIE: You wanna meet in the backyard?

 

ROB: Is Karoline in the side-yard, waiting to jump me? (McKenzie deflates) Fine, I’ll meet you in the back.

 

(Rob closes the door. Cut to Rob and McKenzie sitting at the steel patio table with an umbrella over it. They both have lit cigarettes in hand)

 

MCKENZIE: What happened, the other day, was fucked up. It wasn’t fair of Karoline- and she wants you to know that she’s sorry. And so am I.

 

(Rob shrugs)

 

ROB: I’m a showboating dick, I get it.

 

(Rob takes a drag)

 

MCKENZIE: It still wasn’t okay.

 

(Rob nods)

 

ROB: I appreciate that.

 

MCKENZIE: The last class is Monday, and the showcase is Friday night, and, well, we want you to perform with us.

 

(Rob looks inside at Colleen, who’s sitting on the couch eating microwave Rigatoni, while laughing at some sitcom on TV. McKenzie instinctively looks where Rob is looking)

 

ROB: What do you think of Colleen?

 

(Rob turns to McKenzie. McKenzie shrugs)

 

MCKENZIE: I don’t know Colleen that well.

 

ROB: But what’s your impression?

 

(McKenzie considers it)

 

MCKENZIE: She strikes me as being, child-like. Which is not a bad thing, necessarily. Kids are great. (Rob narrows his eyes) She’s not a kid obviously, but. She has the childlike wonder. (Rob smirks) Fuck, how do I dig my way out of this?

 

(Rob laughs)

 

ROB: It’s fine, I get it. I’m sixteen years her senior.

 

MCKENZIE: It’s not just that. I think maybe she’s just a late bloomer. That’s all.

 

(Rob puts out his cigarette in the ash tray)

 

ROB: I’ll do the showcase. Maybe the class, too.

 

(McKenzie nods)

 

MCKENZIE: Good.

 

(Rob and McKenzie stand up. Rob opens his arms, and McKenzie goes in for a hug. They hug one another tightly. Cut to Rob and Colleen sleeping in their bed, very early the next morning. Colleen gets up, looking unwell)

 

COLLEEN: Oh, fuck. (Rob stirs in his sleep) Oh, shit.

 

(Colleen gets up and races to the bathroom. Rob shoots up)

 

ROB: Colleen!? (We hear vomiting) Colleen, what’s going on?!

 

COLLEEN: IT WAS THAT GODDAMN SKETTI!

 

ROB: What?! (Colleen vomits more) Didn’t you have rigatoni!?

 

(Cut to Whitney lying on her couch, with bottles of alcohol strewn about her coffee table, watching Selling Sunset, with her eyes bloodshot from crying. There’s a knock at the door. Whitney is confused, and staggers to her feet. She walks over to the front door and opens it, seeing Miles and his adopted Peruvian son)

 

WHITNEY: What the fuck.

 

MILES: You won, Whitney. You ruined me. The least you can do is take my son off my hands.

 

(Whitney stares at Miles blankly)

 

WHITNEY: …I’m not going to, but shit, somebody should.

 

(Whitney shuts the door. Miles deflates)

 

PERUVIAN CHILD: Papi, ¿por qué no me amas?

 

MILES: Let’s take you back to the agency, kiddo.

 

(Miles holds his hand and leads him away. Cut to Whitney sinking to the ground in her foyer and sobbing. Cut to Evelyn picking up the phone at a visitor’s booth at the local jail. A pane of glass separates her and Luther, who’s wearing orange fatigues and looks absolutely miserable, as he picks up the phone, too)

 

EVELYN: Luther.

 

(Luther sniffs and wipes tears from his eyes)

 

LUTHER: I fucked up.

 

EVELYN: Luther.

 

LUTHER: I ruined everything.

 

EVELYN: Luther…I am sorry.

 

(Luther looks up, shocked)

 

LUTHER: …You’re sorry?

 

EVELYN: …Yes.

 

LUTHER: …I’ve never heard you say that before.

 

EVELYN: …I’ve never been, before. But in this case. I was not a respectful partner to you. So, I apologize.

 

(Luther nods)

 

LUTHER: Thank you. I’m sorry, too. I’ll never forgive myself for what I did.

 

EVELYN: I’m not the one you should say “sorry” to.

 

(Luther nods)

 

LUTHER: …Is he here?

 

EVELYN: No, of course not.

 

LUTHER: Oh, thank God.

 

EVELYN: I want you to know that Kevin and I are done.

 

(Luther shrugs)

 

LUTHER: None of my business now, I guess.

 

EVELYN: I think I’m done with men, in general. At least for a while.

 

LUTHER: Why’s that?

 

EVELYN: It’s for their own good. (Luther smirks. Evelyn kisses her hand and puts it to the glass) I’m told this is symbolic.

 

(Luther nods)

 

LUTHER: It is. (Luther kisses his own hand and puts it to her hand behind the glass. Evelyn smiles at Luther. Luther is amazed at the sight of it) …Your smile is gorgeous. I-I’ve never seen it before.

 

EVELYN: …It won’t be the last time, I hope.

 

(Evelyn gets up and walks away. Luther looks after her in awe. Cut to Xandra sitting by herself in the cafeteria at the psychiatric institution. She’s picking at a plate of potato salad, while a rowdy group of patients sits at a nearby table. A wiry brunette of about twenty-two walks over with a tray of food and sits across from her)

 

HILDA: Hey, mind if I sit here? (Hilda sits down without a word from Xandra) Potato salad days are my favorite. You learn to appreciate the little things in here. (Hilda extends her hand) The name’s Hilda.

 

(Xandra takes her tray, gets up, walks away, and sits in the corner of the room quietly eating. Hilda looks confused and disappointed. But she nonetheless starts to chow down on her potato salad. Cut to McKenzie walking alongside Kevin as he’s wheeled out of the hospital by a nurse. Kevin still has a hefty bandage around his head)

 

NURSE: Remember, you’ve got to rest for the next seven days. No physical activity of any kind, until then. That includes baby-makin’, ya hear?

 

(The nurse laughs and pats Kevin on the back)

 

KEVIN: Nice on, Lydia!

 

(Kevin chuckles)

 

LYDIA: Alright, y’all have a good one.

 

MCKENZIE: Thanks so much.

 

(Lydia walks back into the hospital)

 

KEVIN: She was a riot, the last few days.

 

MCKENZIE: I want you out of the house.

 

KEVIN: What?!

 

MCKENZIE: I rented a U-Haul. While you rest, I’m gonna pack up your shit, and put everything but the essentials in storage. Until you find an apartment, you can stay at a hotel, on me.

 

(Kevin stands up)

 

KEVIN: What the fuck are you talking about?!

 

MCKENZIE: You broke the one rule. The one rule I said you could never break again. Evelyn’s usually pretty inscrutable, but I could tell that you broke it MANY times, too.

 

KEVIN: I, just- I’m-I’m, something’s wrong with me, I admit that-

 

MCKENZIE: No. If I didn’t put my foot down now, I could never respect myself. And one of us has to. Right?

 

(McKenzie takes out her key fob and unlocks the car. She jumps in. Kevin is completely dumbfounded and is staring into space. McKenzie honks the horn, and he finally gets in. McKenzie starts up the car and they drive away. Cut to Shira in her kitchen, stirring some Zatarain’s red beans and rice in a bowl. We hear excited knocking at the door, and she puts her spoon down and walks over to look through the peephole. Shira sees McKenzie, beaming. Shira opens up)

 

SHIRA: What’s going on?

 

MCKENZIE: Kevin and I are done!

 

SHIRA: No way!

 

MCKENZIE: YES! (McKenzie and Shira run into a hug, and spin around while squealing. They start making out, and McKenzie kicks the door closed. But Shira pulls away) What?

 

SHIRA: What about the other side pieces? I don’t want anyone else.

 

(McKenzie nods)

 

MCKENZIE: I can shoot them some quick texts.

 

(Shira frees herself from McKenzie’s embrace)

 

SHIRA: Do it.

 

(McKenzie nods and starts composing texts. They both sit down. McKenzie goes on for a while, and then sets her phone down)

 

MCKENZIE: Okay, they’re sent.

 

(McKenzie leans in for a kiss, but Shira pulls away again)

 

SHIRA: No, no. We gotta wait for responses.

 

(McKenzie groans and falls onto her back)

 

MCKENZIE: Why are you torturing me!?

 

(Shira laughs. Cut to Darryl picking up the phone in the jail visitation center, with Luther on the phone on the other side of the glass)

 

DARRYL: Oh my, how the tables have turned.

 

LUTHER: Dad.

 

DARRYL: Sorry your momma couldn’t come, she is all broken up about this here.

 

LUTHER: Dad, did your parole officer approve this trip?

 

DARRYL: Nah, I left a dummy stuffed with hay on my bed, Ferris Bueller-style, course he fuckin’ did, dummy.

 

LUTHER: Okay, good.

 

DARRYL: That friend of yours- Camila? What’s her name?

 

LUTHER: Jamila.

 

DARRYL: She was hella excited to hear the marriage was off, but she didn’t like part two of that news, I tell ya what. (Darryl chuckles) Don’t be too broken up about the marriage being called off, son, you’ll find a wife on the inside soon enough.

 

LUTHER: I’m hanging up.

 

(Luther goes to hang up)

 

DARRYL: Hold on, son, I’m just busting your balls, listen up. (Luther puts the phone back to his ear) You see, if you’d have asked me twenty years ago how to survive behind bars, I’d have told you to join a gang. But that shit ain’t true no more. It don’t make you safe. Shit’s like NATO, every war the gang has is your war, too. Pretty soon, you just meat for the grinder.

 

LUTHER: Dad, I’ll get a year. At most.

 

DARRYL: That don’t matter. Nigga can die in the clink within fifteen minutes.

 

LUTHER: Okay, well, who’s gonna protect me, if not a gang? Certainly not the fuckin’ guards.

 

DARRYL: Yeah, fuck the guards. You gotta learn to protect yourself. Always have a weapon, do strength training, and never pick a fight. Stand your ground if you forced to, but never ever pick a fight. You hear me?

 

(Luther nods)

 

LUTHER: Yeah. That makes sense. Thanks for the advice.

 

DARRYL: Hey. What are dads for?

 

(Darryl smiles and hangs up. He walks away. Luther looks after him with the slightest smirk upon his lips. Cut to Bonnie walking out of the Oppenheim Group building, staring at her phone, waving off make-up people going in for a touch-up. Mushy Mouth Saunders walks up, literally hat-in-hand. She’s shocked as she looks up)

 

BONNIE: What is…this?

 

MUSHY MOUTH SAUNDERS: You gotta come back, Bonnie. Ever since you left, it’s like they made jerkin’ off illegal. We’re getting no clicks.

 

BONNIE: Holy shit.

 

(Saunders get on his knees and begs her)

 

MUSHY MOUTH SAUNDERS: I’m sorry for how I treated you. You’re a star. And you can be again.

 

(Saunders looks over at the camera people inside the Oppenheim building)

 

SAUNDERS: What is this, some kind of realty-themed porn?

 

(Bonnie smirks deviously. Cut to Bonnie standing next to Evelyn in the conference room at Stone Productions. Mushy Mouth Saunders is on the other side of the table. Evelyn pushes a contract in front of Saunders and tips the bottom line)

 

EVELYN: Go ahead and sign here. (Saunders signs his name) Congratulations, we now own your company, and we are incorporating it as the pornography division of Stone Productions.

 

BONNIE: Adult entertainment division.

 

EVELYN: Why?

 

BONNIE: It’s a neurotypical thing, I’ll explain later.

 

EVELYN: Anyway, Bonnie heads up that division.

 

(Saunders salutes)

 

SAUNDERS: Aye, aye.

 

BONNIE: That’s annoying. Please go away, we’re talking.

 

(Saunders sighs, and walks out of the room)

 

EVELYN: Are you sure you’d rather do this than sell real estate on TV?

 

(Bonnie points out the window, where we see Christine dumping a can of ravioli on Bonnie’s car)

 

CHRISTINE: EAT RAVIOLI, BITCH!

 

(Christine chucks the empty can at her driver’s side door and stomps away. Evelyn turns back to Bonnie)

 

EVELYN: That was well-timed.

 

BONNIE: It really was.

 

(Cut to improv class. Two chairs are set up in the middle of the room, facing one another. Karoline and McKenzie are standing up, and the students, including Rob, are listening intently)

 

KAROLINE: This exercise is all about emotional vulnerability. Your scene partner is going to be silent, and you’re going to pretend that THEY are, someone in your life who’s important to you. You’re going to talk to them as if they are that person. There is no joke to this part. I want you to play it as honest as you can. I’ll go first, McKenzie, take a seat. (McKenzie sits on one of the chairs, and Karoline sits on the other one) Mario, I, uh…it’s been three years since I’ve seen you. We used to see one another every weekend. (Karoline shakes her head) Not anymore. Sometimes I think… (Karoline sniffs) sometimes I think you taught me more about love than tennis. But you taught me a lot about tennis. (Karoline wipes a tear from her eye) I guess you didn’t teach me much about love, I just thought you were really hot…I don’t know why you had to move to Portland. Goddamnit.

 

(Karoline shutters and stands up)

 

MCKENZIE: That was, brave.

 

KAROLINE: Thank you. McKenzie, you can get up. (McKenzie gets up and sits in another chair) Who wants to go first? (Nobody bites) …Nobody? Rob, what about you?

 

ROB: I’m good.

 

(Karoline sits down)

 

KAROLINE: I’m your dad.

 

(Rob sits down in front of her and immediately his eyes flare with anger)

 

ROB: Fuck you, dad! You USED me! You saw how badly I wanted a father who loved me for who I was, and you fuckin’ sunk your teeth into me and sucked me dry! For all I was worth! I committed a year of my goddamn TIME and MONEY to you, you  huckster piece of shit! Why did I even want to find you, I should’ve let you rot in your fetid obscurity! FUCK YOU, DAD!

 

KAROLINE: I’m feeling a lot of anger, Rob, but sometimes anger is a shield for our true feelings.

 

ROB: I thought you weren’t supposed to talk.

 

KAROLINE: Karoline said that- but I’m your dad.

 

ROB: Well, fuck you, then. I became who I am by the sweat of my goddamn brow, and I never needed any father or father figure- but I had both, and they both happened to SUCK! Why do I give a shit that you abandoned me!? Why would I want you in my life?! You left me with a demented asshole who from the very MOMENT he laid his eyes on me, I knew- I could fucking TELL- I could see it in his eyes that he’d rather me be dead! (Rob tears up) My father- MY REAL FATHER- not you, the man who raised me- (Rob breaks into tears) NEVER WANTED ME! Do you have any idea what that does to a person?!  (Rob breaks down into sobs. McKenzie stares at Rob, utterly confounded. Her eyes welling with tears. Rob wipes away tears and takes a few hefty sniffs) My mom fucked some stranger- YOU, whoever the fuck you are, and left my dad to pick up the pieces. My mom handed me over to a man SHE KNEW would resent my very existence. And then, after years of mistreatment, they’re so shocked that I got intro trouble, that I fell into drugs, that I, fucking- became YOU! What did they expect, I was tainted from the very beginning. My existence is a cruel joke, on myself. And with all this fucking money, and all the fame, and this goddamn COMEDY THEATRE I bought, what do I have? Maybe a lot- but you know what, I feel like I have fucking nothing. If I die tomorrow- what do I leave behind? Fuckall! What do you leave behind though, dad? A legion of adoring fans- 50-year-old Christian moms who collect all your shitty movies to show at their shitty summer camps. You got EVERYTHING YOU ARE, FROM ME! Yet, I’m considered a fucking joke, some reality show has-been, and you’re a goddamn prophet. Fuck you, dad. I WAS RIGHT THERE! (Tears stream down his face) What did I know?! All I knew was I wanted love, and no one was giving it to me. Nobody cared! (Rob breaks down) I WAS RIGHT THERE! WHERE WERE YOU!?

 

(McKenzie runs over and hugs Rob tightly as he dampens her shoulder)

 

MCKENZIE: I’m right here, Rob. I’m right here. Shhhh. (Karoline is sitting there, dumbfounded. Everyone else in the room is stewing in stunned silence) I love you, Rob. You hear me? I love you.

 

(Gordon shakes his head, as Rob continues heaving in McKenzie’s arms)

 

GORDON: (Under his breath) Pussy.

 

(“The Mansion” by The Microphones play as we zoom out from this scene and fade into Whitney speaking to a female trauma therapist, as she dries her tears with a Kleenex. We fade to McKenzie and Shira cuddling on the couch while watching TV at Shira’s apartment. McKenzie receives a text, and they both excitedly look at it- and they squeal and start making out and tearing off clothes. Cut to Evelyn heading up a general meeting at Stone Productions, with Alec, Noel, and several new faces. They are having an efficient conversation, and everyone seems to be on their toes. Fade to Whitney working behind reception at Massage Envy, signing a middle-aged woman up for a massage using the computer. Fade to Rob driving home on the highway with a wet and reddened face. A cigarette burns in his right as he rubs his eye and ashes his cigarette out the window. Fade to Colleen in Rob’s bathroom, staring at a positive pregnancy test. Colleen stares at it and smirks. She walks out of the bathroom, though the bedroom, and into the living room, where Rob has just stumbled. Colleen shows Rob the pregnancy test. He stares down at it and goes wide-eyed. He passes out onto the ground, and Colleen panics and rushes to his aid, cradling his head in her arms. She rocks his head back-and-forth and smiles slightly as she does it. We fade to Whitney pulling up to a pre-K, where a teacher in a light pink dress is waiting with Nico Pascual, the Peruvian adoptive child. Whitney gets out of the car and opens the passenger side door for Nico. He climbs inside, Whitney shakes the teacher’s hand, and walks over to the driver’s side and shuts the door. Whitney smiles at Nico. He smiles back, and they drive off. Fade to Rob and Colleen sitting on the couch. Colleen is applying an icepack to his head)

 

COLLEEN: …I want to keep it.

 

(Rob nods)

 

ROB: That’s your right.

 

COLLEEN: And I want us to raise it together.

 

(Rob nods)

 

ROB: That’s your right, to want that.

 

(Colleen nods and starts sucking on Rob’s neck. He looks incredibly conflicted, however. We cut to Whitney meditating in her living room, next to Nico, who’s also meditating. She takes his hand and squeezes it. The song then fades out, as we fade to Rob and McKenzie sitting on the couch in a cramped green room while the rest of the improv class are busily playing warm-up games)

 

MCKENZIE: Do you think you’re ready?

 

ROB: I don’t know!

 

MCKENZIE: No offense, Rob, but you’re forty-three years old, if you’re not ready by now-

 

ROB: Kenz, did you see me the other day?! If I fuck this up, I’m no better than EITHER of my dads!

 

MCKENZIE: So, don’t fuck it up!

 

ROB: McKenzie, it’s not that simple!

 

(McKenzie sighs)

 

MCKENZIE: I know. But if you left this kid out to dry, you’d be just as bad as them, too.

 

(Rob sighs and wipes the perspiration from his forehead. We pan over to Chase, Molly, Gordon, Moira, Karoline and others as they warm up. They’re pointing at Chase)

 

GROUP: WHO’S THE BIG CHEESE?

 

CHASE: I’M THE BIG CHEESE!

 

GROUP: WHO’S THE BIG CHEESE?!

 

CHASE: I’M THE BIG CHEESE!

 

GROUP: BIG CHEESE, WHATCHA WANNA DO TODAY?!

 

CHASE: I want to fly an airplane into a volcano!

 

GROUP: HE WANTS TO PLAY AN AIRPLANE INTO A VOLCANO! (The group points to Moira) WHO’S THE BIG CHEESE?!

 

ROB: What the fuck is with these warm-ups?

 

MCKENZIE: I don’t know, they’re dumb.

 

(The tech peeks his head in the room)

 

TECH: Alright, guys, ten minutes.

 

(Karoline turns around)

 

KAROLINE: Ten minutes!?

 

TECH: Yeah, the Jim Breuer set is going long, and he keeps spitting and biting at our techs when we go to escort him off stage. He’ll wear himself out, though, ten minutes.

 

KAROLINE: Okay.

 

(The tech leaves. Rob gets up)

 

ROB: I’ll take this opportunity to have a quick cig, then.

 

(McKenzie gets up)

 

MCKENZIE: I’ll join you-

 

ROB: No, uh- (McKenzie sits back down) I’ll be right back.

 

(Rob smirks)

 

MCKENZIE: O-okay.

 

(Rob walks out of the Green Room. Cut to the bar at Guffaw’s. Rob walks into it and finds Colleen sitting there, sipping on a water. Rob sits next to her)

 

ROB: Hope that’s not vodka.

 

COLLEEN: It’s not. I’ve been doing research, and it turns out you’re not supposed to drink while pregnant.

 

(Rob swallows his lower lip and nods)

 

ROB: Is that right?

 

COLLEEN: Yeah, it’s like, really bad for the baby.

 

(Rob smiles and adjusts Colleen’s hair)

 

ROB: …Do you have any name ideas?

 

(Colleen turns to Rob)

 

COLLEEN: …I was thinking “Trey”. (Rob deflates) Just kidding! (Rob laughs) I don’t know, maybe “Blake”.

 

(Rob shrugs)

 

ROB: We don’t have to come up with it right now. What if it’s a girl?

 

COLLEEN: Blake’s a girl’s name, too.

 

ROB: …Okay, I feel like it’s gonna be Blake.

 

COLLEEN: It will be.

 

ROB: Cool.

 

(Rob puts his arm around Colleen’s shoulder and they rest their heads against each other. Cut to Rob walking back into the green room, and finding the class doing another warm-up, while McKenzie texts on her phone)

 

GROUP: LEATHERFACE! LEATHERFACE! What’s your problem?!

 

GORDON: I’LL TEL YOU MY PROBLEM!
 

(McKenzie gets up and walks over to Rob as they continue to chant nonsense)

 

MCKENZIE: Must’ve been a long cig. You ready?

 

ROB: No.

 

MCKENZIE: …What do you mean?

 

ROB: I’m not cut out for this. It’s not my thing.

 

MCKENZIE: So what? You’re just doing it to get street cred, anyway.

 

ROB: I don’t mean improv. I mean, comedy, I mean, owning this fucking place, it’s stupid, I don’ want to do it.

 

MCKENZIE: What are you-?

 

ROB: What am I trying to prove? With this place? And to who?

 

MCKENZIE: So, what are you saying? You’re gonna shut it down?!

 

ROB: Not at all. I want you to have it.

 

(McKenzie squints)

 

MCKENZIE: Are you-? (McKenzie smiles) Are you serious?

 

ROB: You know all the chants and rituals. Why hand the keys to Bohemian Grove to the fucking Situation? You should have it.

 

(McKenzie scoffs, and beams)

 

MCKENZIE: I can’t believe this. You’re-you’re incredible!

 

TECH: (OS) Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Guffaw’s Level 2 Improv Class!!!

 

ROB: Thank you, but, it’s time, go out there and kill it. I’ll be in the audience.

 

(Everyone starts funneling onstage. McKenzie kisses Rob on the cheek and joins them. Rob smiles and walks out of the green room. Cut to the theatre, where we see Karoline and McKenzie standing in front of their students on stage. Whitney and Nico are in the audience, along with Evelyn, Bonnie, Alec, Noel, Shira and coming in from the back, Rob and Colleen, who take their seats as the applause dies down)

 

KAROLINE: Thank you so much, for joining us tonight- and thank you for the staff here at Guffaw’s for cleaning up Jim Breuer’s bodily fluids from the stage, appreciate it.

 

(Laughter)

 

MCKENZIE: Always tip the staff, people.

 

KAROLINE: That’s right. We’re so excited for tonight- these amazing people behind me have worked so hard for the past eight weeks-

 

MCKENZIE: Much harder than we have! Uh-oh!

 

(Laughter)

 

KAROLINE: Okay, thanks, Kenz- and I could not be prouder of how much they’ve grown-

 

MCKENZIE: Hopefully you don’t “groan” tonight, huh!?

 

KAROLINE: Okay- what are you doing?

 

MCKENZIE: I just feel a sudden surge of confidence, Rob- could I fire anyone here?

 

ROB: We’ll talk about it later!
 

KAROLINE: Okay, I don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about, so let’s just get to it. They’re gonna act out some scenes that have never been acted out before, and it’s all made-up on the spot, so they need a word to get started- anyone?

 

ALEC: SHOES!

 

KAROLINE: Shoes! Perfect! When the lights come up-

 

MCKENZIE: Hold on! Before we start- (Karoline looks at McKenzie) I want to dedicate the show to a close friend of mine who passed away recently. Hannah Delaney. A beautiful soul. Gone but never forgotten.

 

(Whitney offers some applause)

 

KAROLINE: Alright, great note to start on, let’s go.

 

(The lights go out, and McKenzie sits next to Shira in the front row)

 

SHIRA: What the fuck happened?

 

MCKENZIE: I’ll tell you later.

 

(McKenzie kisses Shira, as “Goody Two Shoes” by Adam Ant comes in. The lights come up, as Gordon comes onstage with Molly, and Gordon pantomimes cobbling a pair of shoes while Molly orders him around. We cut to Evelyn, as she smiles ever so slightly while watching this. Cut to Chase onstage with Moira. Moira is pretending to film Chase as he makes various sexy poses. But eventually, he gets annoyed, and grabs the camera from her and starts filming her. We cut to Bonnie, who is cracking up. Cut to a scene between Chase and Gordon. Gordon is lying on the ground with his arms crossed over his chest and his eyes closed. Chase is eulogizing him. Cut to Whitney, who is stoic, and holding Nico tighter than before. Cut to Molly and Moira onstage in a scene, shyly inching up towards one another, pecking one another on lips and then running away giggling, before doing it all over again. Cut to McKenzie and Shira cracking up. Cut to a scene between Gordon and Moira. Gordon is on his knees, clearly pretending to be a child. Moira is lecturing the child, and Gordon crosses his arms and looks off to the side. Cut to Rob and Colleen, who look stoic. Then, cut back to the scene, where Chase comes in and quietly escorts the parent out of the scene and hands Gordon a lollipop. Rob and Colleen smirk and applaud. Rob then places his hand over her stomach. Colleen places her hand over his. The song fades out, as we see the final scene between Chase and Molly. They’re simply talking to one another with no space work)

 

MOLLY: Mr. President, this is a bathroom, not the situation room.

 

(The lights go down, and applause fills the room. McKenzie and Karoline jump onstage as the students join hands and take a bow. McKenzie and Karoline join in on the flurry of applause. The audience jumps to their feet, including Shira. McKenzie winks at her. Whitney is holds up Nico as he applauds. McKenzie mouths “awww” and then looks over at Bonnie who is loudly bellowing adulation. McKenzie laughs as she looks at her. She then looks to Evelyn, who is on her feet, giving the daintiest golf clap. McKenzie humbly bows her head. Then, she looks at Rob and Colleen. Colleen is applauding enthusiastically, but Rob is applauding so hard he’s sweating. He’s making direct eye contact with McKenzie as he does it. Tears run down McKenzie’s face as she blows him a kiss. We zoom in on a tight shot of Rob applauding and whipping the sweat off his brow as he does it. Cut to black)

 

THE END


Submitted: August 15, 2022

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