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A light take on the events in Britain this week.

 

And now the latest news from the PBC (Posh Broadcasting Corporation).

 

Britain's new Prime Minister, Liz Truss has begun her time in power with an historic claim to fame – bankrupting the British economy. In her daring campaign to help Britain's wealthiest become more wealthy, she has apparently overlooked an important point – that she is crap at maths.

 

Her stooge – Mr Kwarteng, who she will almost certainly chuck on the fire, if the economy continues to dive-bomb, remains defiant in the face of world condemnation from the know-alls of the finance world (who didn't see the economic crash of the previous decade coming), and stands by his decision to pour public funds into his buddies bulging bank accounts. When asked how he could justify his actions, he responded “Look, let me be clear about this - All these huge fiscal measures have been carefully thought out and evaluated. I have respected sources that led me to this bold action.” When asked what those sources are, he replied - “My horoscope told me that I would make a lot of people rich, and my granddad said that I should stop being a softy and do something outrageous, so that people would finally notice me.”

 

Meanwhile the Prime Minister – Liz Truss, was defending her own position on the economy. When she was asked about costing and economic predictions, she answered - “I want to be perfectly clear about this, l have a vision for Britain that would enable all to share in it's fiscal wealth. However, the working people of Britain should stop whinging, and be grateful for the huge nine hundred and fifty pounds per week that they were paid.” When one of her aides pointed out that it was actually £9.50 per hour minimum wage, she had to stifle a laugh, but then responded “That's more like it – the bunch of lazy losers.” When asked how the economic targets of her mini-budget had been calculated, she became irritated and retorted that, “Since the last Labour government broke our abacus, we have invested heavily in new technology and are now using calculators.”


One of the press representatives then asked “Is it true that, when you do your shopping, you always end up spending ten times what you intend to, because you can't count?” Miss Truss responded “Another comment like that, and I'll break your arms - all three of them.”


Another member of the press pressed the issue further, while hacking her phone. “Prime Minister- what is four plus four?” then added, “And could you answer the question without using the annoying, over-used words “huge”, “fiscal” or “clear”, please?


Miss Truss snapped back “Well, first of all - No, I can't. All my huge scripts contain those buzz words. But, just to be clear, I will not be drawn on technical issues, I would rather concentrate on the economy, if you don't mind.”

 

Another press member then asked – “Prime Minister, when you were costing your budget, did you use Pi in your calculations?” to which Miss Truss responded – “Of course not you stupid ignoramus – I finished my huge fiscal calculations long before lunch.”


When pressed on the disastrous financial impact of her budget Miss Truss became angry and said that “Look, it's clear that, the current financial crisis was all caused by Vlad the Impaler – that pig called Putin. It was his illegal war that caused the market crash, huge inflation, the cold weather, Ukraine to win the Eurovision Song Contest, and Cliff Richard to make a new Xmas album, so please don't blame this government. I inherited a broken, impoverished and corrupted fiscal situation from the previous administration.”


The press spokesman then pointed out that Miss Truss was a big part of that previous administration, and that she had tried to defend it to the death of Big Dog.


As she was speaking, an aide whispered something in the Prime Minister's ear, and she then addressed the press, with a smug grin. “In answer to your previous question – four plus four is nine.”

 

Meanwhile, the leader of the opposition party – Sir Kier Starmer, was addressing his party members at a conference. When asked by reporters what he thought of the current financial situation, he said – “It's wonderful, Britain needed good news like this.” The reporter then asked him why Britain being bankrupt was a good thing, to which he responded - “Well, at least we get a chance to play government now, and we didn't even need to do anything ourselves to get in. And also, my huge fiscal wages will go up”

 

He was then asked how he would fix the economy. He responded - “Look, I want to be clear, I'm not going to be drawn on technical issues, and anyway, I'm not the prime Minister so, why should I help that stupid woman out with my own ideas?”

 

He was then asked why people didn't trust his party with the economy.

 

He replied “Look, 75% of people have been waiting two thirds of their lives, and have voted twice as many times as 32% of the nation, just to see their wages go down by 190% in real terms, while the government ignores a quarter of the calculations of the Labour party. But, we have a costed fiscal plan to reverse this. The Labour Party will stop all Downing Street and House of Commons licensed bar allowances. Even after the huge cost of rehab clinics and colleague abuse court cases, it's clear that there would still be about 2 billion pounds left for investment in slavery... – sorry, I mean – jobs. That should keep the country going for a couple of months.”

 

The press then packed their bags and went down the pub to get drunk, and look for a new story.


 


Submitted: September 30, 2022

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