Quirky Quarks Testing Leads to Disgraced Protons

The annual Subatomic Particle Convention dropped a bombshell when officials from The Thomas Jefferson National Accelerator Facility announced that protons had been stripped of their professional status.

“We thought protons’ electric polarizability was clearly established,” one physicist bemoaned on condition of anonymity. But a Compton scattering test revealed that, when doped up with energetic light particles, some protons demonstrated a bump in quark-photon output. Some physicists have demanded a full investigation, calling that all of physics may need a stronger review. “Protons were once the building block of the entire periodic table,” one administrator complained. “To find out that these protons have chosen to play loose and fast with their electric fields has shaken the entire atomic arena to its core.”

In response to the complaints, The Department of Energy’s Office of Science has now demoted pro-tons to amateur status, or “con-tons,” named after the particles’ current disagreeable status.

The other subatomic particles did not receive the news well. One representative of the neutron community, Jimmy, called for the now amateur-level particles to be banned from interacting with his fellow neutrons in either ionic or molecular bonding. “We insist upon a full evaluation of so-called ‘proton-neutron stability,’” Jimmy declared. “These protons—excuse me, contons—thought they could handle two or more neutrons singlehandedly to create new isotopes. Well, us neutrons aren’t just going to sit around and decay while waiting for these amateurs to get their act together.”

When asked what he intended to do, Jimmy hinted that the other neutrons and some electrons were getting together to form an alternative periodic league of their own. “In fact, we’re thinking of splitting up the atom permanently. Fortunately,” he smiled, “nuclear fission is what neutrons do best.”

Inspirational Link: https://www.jlab.org/news/releases/physicists-confirm-hitch-proton-structure