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Reads: 40

I hate myself.  

I absolutely despise myself.  

Today in science class we had to work with partners, but Mr. Graham had to choose our partners.I got paired with Bella, and I was happy because I thought that was my chance to finally talk to her and have a real conversation but then Mr. Graham said if you don’t like your partner, I’ll give you a new one. Just then my heart dropped out of my chest when I saw her stand up and get a new partner. I thought to myself, she really hates me. In that moment I knew there was no going back. She hated me with a strong passion. All I wanted was to get my best friend but Octavia took that away. I went to the restroom for the rest of the class, crying my heart out. Bella was my world, and my world was taken away. I decided to go back to class but as Octavia opens the door for me, she rolls her eyes at me and goes to sit next to Bella. With a mixture of pain and anger in my heart I rush back to my seat, dig in my backpack and find my pair of scissors to cut myself. Maybe then I thought someone would notice or at least care, but no one pays attention to people like me. A person who has completely lost themselves and just wants it all to end. I slouch in my chair and throw my hoodie over my head. I stared at Bella and thought to myself, all I ever wanted was to be enough for her.  

I don’t even know anymore. I don’t know if I hate myself or her. I was there for Bella through everything. I was there for her when her mom died, when her dog died, when she first got drunk, when she got in a fight with her dad, anytime she needed me. I was there. But now I need her, and she's not here. Moments later when we switched classes everyone gathered in a circle, and I was confused about what was going on but then I saw Bella and Octavia in the middle of the circle. I see Octavia holding a sign that says, “will you be my girlfriend?” I wait for Bella’s response hoping with my heart she no. 

She said yes.  

Tears formed in my eyes. Then slowly ran down my face. I stood there, frozen, in shock. While the rest of the class claps and congratulates them. My heart fell out my chest and jumped off a skyscraper. I stared into Bella’s eyes. I watch her smile get bigger and bigger standing next to Octavia. I go to the restroom and cut myself more. That’s the way I cope. I look at all my cuts and think, what have I become?. Who have I become?. The me I know would never purposely hurt herself. I stare at my cuts in disbelief. Look what they've done to me. I’ve never been so insecure that I had to hurt myself to feel good. School made me that way. Specifically Octavia, because I know that I’ll always be second to her. Octavia is everything I'm insecure about.  She’s perfect and I'm, well me. 

Submitted: November 24, 2022

© Copyright 2022 iiiheartdd. All rights reserved.


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