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This is a great introduction! I understood your character through this chapter and where she sees herself in society. My critique would be to look at the conversation between Leo and Adi again. The pacing is somehow off though I can't put my finger on why. I think maybe there needs to be more spots to add in setting. Maybe a reminder of where t... Read More

Submitted on Thu, May 30th, 2019 3:20pm


You have a lot of good information here that sets up your character but I wonder if it would be better in the next chapter. From what I can are, the next chapter is where your story really starts. This is all just a summary of a character and some of it is told through the action in the next chapter. I'd consider cutting some of it and combining th... Read More

Submitted on Thu, May 30th, 2019 9:51am


I'd love to read more of this if you are planning on posting future updates. Currently it's hard to offer a critique with the formatting. I'm not sure if Booksie did it automatically, but there are only two blocks of texts and it's hard on the eyes. From the bits I did read, you have an excellent style of writing. If the formatting is fixed (or if ... Read More

Submitted on Sun, May 5th, 2019 4:23pm

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