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Some of the rhymes seem a bit forced (the trouble with rhyming couplets) and at times a little simplistic. Bit Yoda-ish here and there, and the half rhymes draw too much attention to themselves from such a structured approach. Ultimately, the theme of the poem could be overshadowed by the focus on the structure.

Submitted on Tue, January 21st, 2014 6:31pm

Ha very good ^_^

Submitted on Thu, January 16th, 2014 8:19pm

This would benefit from more detail being added. There's very little description of your protagonist's surroundings, and I think taking the time to expand on this and add some dialogue would improve it.

Submitted on Thu, January 16th, 2014 7:02pm

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