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I finally got around to reading this! I have a couple things, but a lot of it might be more nit-picky than anything. Overall, it's mostly comments geared towards making your writing stronger and more fluid. In the beginning, you used a line to describe the boys when they were waiting for their breakfast - "hungry little angels". Personally, ... Read More

Submitted on Fri, June 8th, 2018 8:38am


The chapter is a pleasant start. There is nice contrast between Jolene and Mai. There were a handful of grammatical errors, but they didn't take away from the story. It felt like there was more telling rather than showing of things. However, the poetry in this chapter is quite lovely. I wish I could say more, but I didn't realize how tired I was un... Read More

Submitted on Mon, August 8th, 2016 5:35pm


It's an interesting concept, and I enjoyed the read. What world did he travel to? Was that supposed to be the "life after death" as mentioned in the summary. The imagery was very nice, but you should avoid mentioning the dimensions of things (i.e. the hallway was 20 feet tall...) when setting the scene because it takes away from the moment in the s... Read More

Submitted on Fri, July 8th, 2016 3:16am

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