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There's a poetic nuance to your prose. The use of the countdown was innovative and added an element of suspense. The story is well constructed. I see from your profile that you are twelve yo, is that right? I find it hard to believe, there isn't any (excuse the expression) childishness about your prose. You have a lot of potential. Take a look at a... Read More

Submitted on Wed, September 14th, 2011 5:35pm

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Well done. Good pace/meter and cute story. I especially like, "all hope shattered, like beads of a necklace, having all been scattered", a Wonderful metaphor! Keep it up and best wishes. Xavier

Submitted on Wed, September 14th, 2011 4:45pm

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It reminds me of story when my daughter refused to listen to my direction (she was probably nine at the time), and coldly stated "I'm not going to listen to you, and you can't do anything about it! What are you going to do Beat Me! I'll call the division of family services on you!" I handed her the phone and said, "knock yourself out, But I don't t... Read More

Submitted on Wed, September 7th, 2011 7:32am

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