Chapter 2: It's Okay

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic

Reads: 183
Comments: 6

Chapter one
It’s okay
This wasn’t supposed to happen, not like this. Not now. I can’t remember that last time the air has felt so hopeless, the last time every had gathered around a similar object and just simple looked to one another for the answer. Yes, there’s an answer, but I’m afraid it’s already gone with the wind.
Everyone seems to take a breath together and then we all exhale together, but I gain a hiccup and begin to spiral out of control. There’s more silence around me as everyone bows their heads. My head stays up, though I continue to look around for a while, taking in the sights of the fear stricken relatives and friends. They all look sad, except for a few boys and girls sitting in the very back. They just look like they’re being forced to be here, much like me.
To pass the time as the preacher speaks, I run my hands up and down my dress fabric, taking in the smells of the flowers that have been placed all around.
Mom puts her hands on mine and stops me, so I sigh and begin to count the tiles around me. There’s about eighty in the front, twenty to my left, I can’t see behind me, and Dad is blocking my view to the right. When the preacher pauses for a moment, Mom motions for me to switch seats with her. I do so, only to watch her and Dad snuggle up close against each other and confide in one another’s comfort.
Is it just regret that I’m the last child? I’m the one that survived.
Or do they truly grieve for her? I’m sure they do. I know I do, but the grieving has been for so long. This isn’t just a sudden commotion. It’s not like when your father instantly keels over from a sudden heart attack that no doctor could predict.
There were signs, tons of them. There were fallouts that always seemed to stop right before the end. Like being hit with a nuclear bomb but being able to build a bomb shelter seconds before. We all knew sooner or late, this might happen. So no, this wasn’t the sudden panic of having a father die from an unexpected heart attack or having a mother killed in a car crash because of some stupid drunk drivers.
This was like sitting by your great grandfather’s bed days after his liver fails, watching him slowly go into pain and then fall asleep, his last dying breath used to say, “Thank God I’m gone.” Then there’s the silence. Though still, this is not like that. In ways, this is much worse. She’s young and unwrinkled by time.
At my great grandfather’s funeral, he had looked like a shriveled up prune with raisins for eyes. She’s different, her skin flawless. Completely different from how it had been when she had died.
I’m zoned out as the preacher invites the family up to the front to bless the body. I’m supposed to go up, and I will, but my soul isn’t in it. My heart isn’t in it. Though the footsteps are heavy and the breaths are hollow, I move with my family up to the casket and bow my head in respect.
I pull my hair down by my cheeks to hide the indifferent look on my face. This isn’t how I want to look on the day of my sister’s funeral, but like I said before, this isn’t much of a surprise. It’s like we’ve always known that this was coming.
Dad pats my back, like I’m actually crying my eyes out. Mom is, I can see the blotchy red spots under her eyes and the tear stains running down her face. She clutches Dad’s hand tightly, making his fingers go white. I keep walking, not looking back at anything other than the ground at my feet.
I sit back down with my hands in my lap, watching my fingers trace of the others simply.
The service ends while I’m tracing over my fingers, and I almost miss the chance to stand and watch my father, uncles, and second cousins carry the casket out of the chapel. My mother and I follow them. Behind us are my grandparents, aunts and other uncles, cousins, and friends. I don’t know why they follow me, it almost seems ridiculous.
When we get out to the graveyard, they slowly lower her body down into the whole as we watch them fill the whole back in. Shovel by shovel, pile by pile, the casket slowly disappears.
A hand lands on my shoulder, but I don’t look at him. He wraps his arms around my shoulders and pulls me back into the warm chest. His lips tickle my cheek, “it’s going to be okay.”
I wasn’t always like this, I wasn’t always such a cold, hard person that barely let anyone into her life. I used to have friends that would call me up every weekend and demand that I hang out with them. I used to get asked out every other weekend by an array of boys, but they all went away when my personality changed. When I stopped being this happy go lucky person who didn’t stop smiling, my friend list disappeared.
I wasn’t always like this, I wasn’t always so alone and solitary.
I used to play with the neighbors. The kids down the block used to beg me to come babysit when their parents had date night.
There was a time when I could be found out walking my dog, dancing on the sidewalks like no one else was watching.
But those days were over.
I’m a changed person, and though I wish I could go back to what I was before, I know that I can’t.
It’d be so easy to just forget, move on and pass these events, act as if these whole five months didn’t happen. But I promised myself the day after her death that I wouldn’t do that. If I did, the pain would eventually die out, shrivel up and become nothing. Nothing but a black hole of numbness. I know it will consume my life, that’s what it did to Grandma when Grandpa died.
A tear runs down my cheek, but the funeral has not gotten to me yet. I’m sure it will eventually. I’m sure tonight I’ll be lying in bed, looking at the ceiling above me and trying to get the screaming of my parents and sister out of my head, though I’ll blink and it’ll just be ghosts.
I know I’ll be late to school tomorrow because I’ll forget that I don’t have to wait for my sister to finish her daily routine of shaving her legs and then icing them for the big basketball tournament. I’ll drive to school with the music pumping for the first ten minutes before I remember that no one is screaming out the lyrics along side me.
When I pull into the parking lot and stop in one of the back spots, I’ll hesitate to get out, thinking about how my sister always got mad when I didn’t wait for her. I’ll walk into school and splash in the puddles, looking down on slightly to realize I’m the only one getting wet. I’ll see her friends in the hallway and be tempted to scream out our last name, like I always do. Did. At the end of the day, I’ll wait by the side doors until the janitor tells me to scurry along, but I’ll try to remind him that I’m waiting for my sister.
By now, I’m sure even he knows.
I’ll drive home in silence and not wave to any fellow high schoolers that are driving home. They won’t wave at me
Finally, going back to reality, I sigh, “it is okay.”

Submitted: April 11, 2012

© Copyright 2022 Adaza. All rights reserved.


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Add Your Comments:


Charli Elyse

I think I almost cried. This is so sad. And not sad because shes like weeping, cause she isn't. But like. Oh. Its so. Real. Great job.

Check my profile. Read the blue.


Wed, April 11th, 2012 9:21pm


ik, it's a sad chapter. but a lot of them are sad :/

Wed, April 11th, 2012 2:24pm

Charli Elyse

That's okay. It's supposed to be sAd. Real life is sad sometimes.

Wed, April 11th, 2012 9:36pm


"...just simple looked..." should be "...just simply looked..."

"...because of some stupid drunk drivers." How many drivers does it take to cause a crash? BTW drunks are not so much stupid as they are selfish, by not caring for other's safety. Agreed?

I like your church service description.

Need a period after "...won't wave at me"

Your writing has a strong quality to it.

Sat, April 14th, 2012 7:34pm


thanks! :)

Sat, April 14th, 2012 2:19pm


Great job! I really liked the whole chapter! Especially towards the end when she was describing her daily mornings with her sister before and early at school! That was soo sad! It made me think about my sister too! We really do not know what we have until it's gone. When you were talking earlier about how she didn't feel a thing, I was thinking 'wow..selfish?' but then I REMEMBERED THAT I KNOW EXACTLY how she felt! I feel like it takes time for things (esp. sad things) to hit me! I feel emotionless and I feel like I have no worries, that everything isn't real, until hours or a day later! so I can totally relate to how she feels! Great job! POST ON MY WALL WHEN YOU UPDATE!

Mon, April 23rd, 2012 12:33am


i'll keep ya updated :)

Sun, April 22nd, 2012 5:34pm


Oh wow, this was so sad but amazing. It did hit a tender spot for me because of cousin and such. But this was written beautifully. You described the way she was feeling in such an amazing way and i even got teary eyed and that's pretty hard for me when i read something. It sounds like she is just numb to the core. And the way it was written made me feel the way she was feeling too. Ahh, just amazing and emotional. Please, please, please keep me updated!

Mon, May 7th, 2012 11:40am


thanks so much. dont worry, i cried to when i wrotr it. sure thing!

Mon, May 7th, 2012 6:56am


ARGH! SO DEPRESSING BUT SOOOOOO GOOOD! I'm so pumped for the rest of this! Definitely kmu!
I seriously am still walking around my house thinking 'I'll go lie with Trixie because I'm bored' or lying in bed about to call out to her so she can come keep my feet warm. And that was 8 bloody weeks ago. Trixie was my dog by the by. anyway... 'cause I know you don't really wanna hear that... I just talk too much. I'm good at that. Talking. Except in front of a class. SHUT UP! ok, talking to myself. Never mind. better go before I make things even more awkward for myself.

Thu, May 10th, 2012 7:01am


haha no worries, i ramble on a lot too. WAIT, WHAT HAPPENED TO TRIXIE??? :( haha i'll fer sure keep you updated! (p.s, this paragraph made me smile because you're funny to listen to.)

Thu, May 10th, 2012 4:13am

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