Chapter 1: I'm So Sorry

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Gay and Lesbian  |  House: Booksie Classic

Reads: 389

“Ryan please don’t do this!” I yelled from the other side of the dock running towards him.

“Why shouldn’t I? You fucking betrayed me and now I have nothing to live for.” He said to me as he waved the beer bottle in the air.

“Ryan I am sorry I didn’t mean for things to turn out like this--”

“Oh yeah!” He interrupted me. “You didn’t mean to kiss me that one night, we are in a perfect relationship and then fucking stab me in the back? Yeah, none of that was planned!”

I walked up close to him; I could smell the alcohol that was coming from his mouth. Ryan has never acted like this and I didn’t like this side of him. He looked me dead in the eyes, no emotion on his face. What have I done? I didn’t mean for all of this to happen, it was my entire fault that he had turned out this way.

“Ryan listen to me, I know all of this is my fault and I can’t deal with the fact that…”

“That what Liam? You can’t deal with the fact--”

A single tear dripped down my cheek. “The fact that I let you go.”

Ryan took a step back. I let Ryan walk right out of my life and I did nothing to keep him from leaving. I was his knight in shining armor. I helped him through his life’s struggles, and he was always there for me. Whenever I needed someone to talk to, he was there. I don’t think I would have been here if it wasn’t for Ryan.

“Please Ryan, don’t take another step back.” I said holding my hand out. I could tell that he was drunk and he needed to get off of this dock fast before he passes out and falls into the water.

“Why? So you can hurt me again?” He said taking another swig from the long necked bottle in his right hand. Ryan tilted his head so far back that he lost his balance and fell off the dock.

“Ryan! No!” I yelled trying to grab his hand before he went completely under but I was too late. His head had gone under and I couldn’t see any more air bubbles. I jumped in after him and dove under the water. I was late and dark out so I couldn’t see in the water. I went as deep as I could until I hit something. It was Ryan. I wrapped his arm around my shoulder and swam to the surface. Please stay with me; you can’t leave, not here, not now, not like this.

I grabbed the dock with my free hand and pushed Ryan’s body on to the wood platform. It took most of my strength because he was pretty heavy with his soak jeans and T-shirt. With the rest of the strength I had, I pulled myself up next to him and hovered over his body. I parted his lips and placed mine on his. I blew into his mouth and I could feel his chest rise. I placed both of my hand on his chest, one over the other, and pushed fifteen times.


I tried again, placed my lips on his. Ryan’s chest rose, I pumped on his chest. “Damnit Ryan stop playing with me.” I said as I pumped the last few times. “Wake up, come on, it’s just a little water, wake up.” I could feel the tears forming in my swollen eyes.

You can’t die on me. I love you. I should have never let you walk out that door. I should have taken your hand and forced you to stay with me. I never should have gone to the store that day and met him, them. I never should have left. I’m so sorry.

I call for an ambulance to see if they could revive Ryan before it was too late. They told me to come with them in the back and when we arrived at the hospital, I followed the nurses, with Ryan on the gurney. They told me that I had to wait outside of the doors while they tried to shock his heart. With every shock, Ryan’s body jumped, along with mine. I could feel the bolts piercing through my skin into my heart. I couldn’t bear to watch Ryan like this and took a seat in one of the blue chairs outside of the emergency room.

Is he going to be okay? I can only imagine the pain he must have felt there at the dock. Hurt, betrayal, sadness, I had just pushed Ryan to the side like he was trash. I had let him walk away from me but most importantly, Ryan felt forgotten.

“Liam,” my thoughts were interrupted by one of the doctors that was trying to help Ryan.

“Yeah doc?” I asked standing up out of the seat hoping for the best possible news.

He took a deep breath and a sigh. Those are never good signs. “We tried everything we could, but, um, son,” the doctor placed a hand on my shoulder, “Ryan has passed.”

My heart sank to my stomach and my eyes flooded with tears. I could fell my lip quivering and my legs buckled from under me. I fell back into the chair trying to process what I had just been told. This is not what I wanted to hear. This was the last thing that I wanted to hear.

Ryan Jacobs, dead.

“I am so sorry son.” The doctor said to me.

“Can I um, s-see him please?” I asked. The doctor nodded his head and I slowly made my way into the room where Ryan’s body lay limp on the table. I brushed my hand over his his cheek and fixed the curl that was hanging down over his forehead.

“Ryan, I am so sorry. I was always there for you when you needed me most and I wasn’t there this time and I should have. I shouldn’t have thought about what I was missing out on and thought about what you were feeling.” A tear fell from my face and landed on his shirt.

I kissed his lips one last time. They were cold but the still felt like Ryan’s lips that I remember. Full of lust and passion. I placed another kiss on his forehead and placed the blue cloth over his head.

“I will always love you Ryan.” I whispered and departed from the room.

Submitted: April 28, 2013

© Copyright 2020 anfwmc. All rights reserved.


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