“How you holding up, Liam?” Marcus asked me when I walked into the pizzeria. I couldn’t look at Marcus the same way as before. I can’t believe that that boy in fifth grade was Marcus , who called Ryan a fag. I flashed a fake smile and nodded my head taking a seat next to him. Harry and Lucas were sitting across from us in the booth. Harry slung his arm around Lucas shoulder and Lucas blushed.
“We ordered a large meat lover’s pizza.” Marcus said to me trying to spark up some kind of conversation.
“Yum.” I said taking a sip of the glass of water that they ordered me.
“So…” Harry started.
“Yup…” I said. Things were quiet around without Ryan here. He was there best customer. Every Friday night, Ryan and I would order a pizza and take it back to our place and watch a movie. I miss those Friday nights. When we finished our pizza, Ryan would snuggle up to my chest and grab my shirt. I would wrap my arms around him tightly so he knew that I would never let him go.
“You alright Li?” Marcus asked. I hadn’t realized that I zoned out and my eyes were starting to water.
“Y-yeah.” I stammered, whipping my eyes with my sleeve. “Just thinking.” My arm fell back into my lap as Marcus ’s hand reached up to my shoulder.
“Thinking is the last thing you should be doing at a time like this.” He said trying as best he could to sound sincere.
“I can’t help it,” I started, “everything I see, do, hear, smell, touch reminds me of Ryan.”
“Liam, this is part of the grieving process, I know.” Lucas said. I could tell that Lucas felt the same way I did but I did everything with Ryan since we were kids. It was always Liam and Ryan or Ryan and Liam.
“Here’s your pizza.” The waitress said placing the pie down on the table. “Anything else?” She asked looking directly at me. I got nervous and looked away.
“We’re fine, thank you.” Lucas said and she left.
Harry handed put the plates and we dug into the pizza. Ryan left my mind for the rest of the time that we were at the pizza place, it was when I got home that he seemed to invaded my thoughts again.
“Liam, please call if you need anything.” Marcus said and gave me a hug before we left the pizza place. I could tell he really meant it as I looked into his eyes before I headed back to my flat.
The place was cold and quiet. I walked over to the thermostat and checked the temperature, 65!
What the fuck, I thought it was at 71 when I left?
Quickly, I change the temperature back to 71 and went to my room to throw on some sweatpants and a sweatshirt to warm up. I curled up on the couch but didn’t bother to turn the tele on. I wanted to be left with my thoughts of Ryan; I needed him with me right now. Everything just felt dark and gray without him around. I couldn’t even enjoy a Disney movie, a Disney movie, and I love them, but, not as much as I love Ryan.
See, everything relates somehow back to Ryan.
I felt a lump in my throat and the tears started to stream down my face. I broke. I threw a pillow at the wall and scream out everything that I had bottled up for the past week. I let it all out. All the anger, sadness, sorrow and guilt. Every emotion that I had in me came out through action and vulgar words. I pulled my hair in frustration and kicked the couch.
“Damn it!” I screamed and grabbed my ankle. I must have kicked it harder than I thought I would because I think I sprained my ankle. My head started pounding and I walked over to the window overlooking the street and buildings of London to get some fresh air. I unlocked the window and pulled the screen out. There was a small ledge under the window big enough for two people to lie on.
I swung my leg over the window and climb out onto the ledge. It was about 6pm and the sun was starting to set. The air was a little chilly for a night in July and I was glad I had my sweatpants on. The street lights were staring to flicker on and the night life was staring to emerge. I sat there holding my legs and resting my head on my knees that were pulled up to my chest.
Ryan and I used to sit out here on warm summer nights when the skies were clear and we could look up and stare at the stars. We could watch the people that would pass by on the streets and make up stories about them. A smile ran across my face at the thought.
“I really wish you were here right now with me.” I started saying to myself. “I wish you were here in my arms talking about the things that we planned on doing one day. Like going back to Paris during Christmas. I remember that day, Ryan. You were standing by the railing and I came over behind you and hugged you from behind. I wish I could do that now. The house is really lonely without you around. I can’t think straight. I hope you are having fun up there and I hope you are watching over me.” Tears stared to form in my eyes and I let them fall down my cheeks. “Ryan, if you can hear me, I just want you to remember, that n-no matter what h-happens,” I started to get chocked up, “k-know that I will always l-love you.” I said and buried my head in my knees.
The wind picked up and I looked up from knees. My face felt cold from the tears that were now pouring out from my eyes. I noticed something in the distance and I realized that they were purple flower petals that blew up from the street. They blew in front of me in a swirling motion and I smiled from behind the tears. The wind dropped and the petals landed on the ledge that I was sitting on.
“Thanks you.” I said to the sky. I had a feeling that this was some sort of sign from Ryan. When we would sit out here, the flower petals would blow up and I would watch as Ryan would follow their motion with his eyes. I knew this was from Ryan, and the petals were my favorite shade of purple.
I grinned and picked up on of the petals in my hand. They felt like velvet and I brushed it against my face. I scooped the rest of the petals up in my hand and went back inside the flat. I walked over to the closet and grabbed a jar and dropped the flower petals in the jar then seal it with the top.
I came back over to the window and put the screen back in then I shut the window. I brought the jar into my room as light from the street lamp casted a yellow glow onto my walls. Without switching on the light, I placed the jar next to my window and slowly snuck into bed. This was the first time that I had slept in my bed since Ryan died. It felt empty. Sometimes he would sneak into my room and ask if he could sleep with me. I smiled at the thought and drifted off to a dreamless sleep.
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