Reads: 636
Comments: 20


I woke up on a cold, metal floor, the sounds of screeching wheels and steaming engines filling the otherwise empty space. There were no lights, the room a lonely dark, void in front of me- except for the occasional flashes of blindingly bright red and white coming from a gap in the roof above me. The noise was a constant roar, filling my ears and making my head spin.

Where was I? One minute I was sitting lazily on the beach on a hot summer afternoon, the next I wake up covered by darkness. I search my memories, trying to find anything that could lead to this conclusion, but came up empty. When I say empty, I mean nothing at all. I couldn’t remember what town I lived in, when my birthday was or even who my parents were. All I could remember was my name. Yasmine Gray.

I slowly rose to my feet, my hands in front of me, reaching for something to grab hold of. When they came into contact with the smooth, hard surface of a wall, I almost collapsed with relief. I slid them slowly along its length, trying to find my bearings- how long the room was, how wide- and most importantly a way out.

After what seemed like only minutes, I had walked the whole way around the dark space, finding nothing but the smooth metal of the walls and a tiny window in the far corner. As I peeked out all I could see in every direction was the smudgy blur of trees, grass, the night sky, speeding past me at a million miles an hour. Although the room I was in was fairly small, when I looked on either side of me the outside walls seemed to stretch on for ages in both directions- seemingly having no end.

It was then I realised I was on a train. I felt the blood drawing from my face, my heartbeat getting faster. Why was I on a train? Where was it going? The thing that scared me the most was not even knowing how I got here in the first place.

All of a sudden the train began to rock, shaking as the wheels slipped back and forth over the tracks. Oh God, we’re going to crash! They screeched with a grinding effort as they tried to gain traction on the rails, only making them lose grip completely, tumbling off and sliding onto the ground beneath. The power of it slammed me into the wall, my head impacting dangerously with the metal.

Dizziness filled me, making my head throb and ache as I was tumbled over and over in the rolling carriage. I landed on the ground with a thud as it came to a stop, resting on its side I assumed, as the small window was now above me.

My arms and legs began to get colder and colder, the sensation eventually spreading to my chest and head. At first the coolness was relieving, making all of my pain go away. But it kept growing, until it had consumed my entire body, enveloping me in an icy blanket.

It covered every inch of my body and it even began spreading inside me, clutching at my heart. The calm started receding, a sharp pain filling its place. This pain grew and grew until every part of me ached with it. I felt as though I was on fire, but with ice. Every part of me was being stabbed, over and over by tiny needles of cold, an icy hand taking a grip on my heart, squeezing until it could no longer beat.

As I felt myself slipping away, I noticed something move past the now broken window, something white. It was a dove. A dove with the letter six painted onto it, flying off into the night. Weren’t doves supposed to be a sign of peace? I thought hazily to myself, just as a soft darkness began to creep into my mind. It slowly spread over my body, erasing the pain and dragging me under- under into the dark oblivion below.

Submitted: December 16, 2011

© Copyright 2023 Athena Young. All rights reserved.


Add Your Comments:



full of suspense, can't wait for the other chapters..

Fri, December 16th, 2011 5:23am


Thanks! I'll keep you updated :)

Thu, December 15th, 2011 9:30pm

writing geniuses

nice start, dear!
hoping to
soon :)

Fri, December 16th, 2011 9:51am


Thanks! I'll be sure to keep you updated! Thankyou for taking the time to comment, it means a lot! ^_^

Fri, December 16th, 2011 2:11am

Kiara London

I really like this so far!
It's super descriptive and suspenseful and I loooove it :)
You are amazingly talented! Thank you for telling me about this!
I would love it if you kept me updated!
Good Job,
~Kiara xx

Sat, December 17th, 2011 3:40am


Thankyou so much!! Your comment means so much to me as I haven't been writing long but I love it ^_^ I will surely keep you updated!

Fri, December 16th, 2011 8:34pm


It sounded good when you suggested it to me... But this is FANTASTIC.
The suspense has forced me to read the next chapter!

Sat, December 17th, 2011 9:22am


Thanks! You're welcome ^_^

Sat, December 17th, 2011 1:35am

Fantasy writer

Scary to wake up in a place without knowing how you got there!! I can tell this will be a great read. I can find nothing to critisize only things to compliment. A great job!!

-Never give up

Sun, December 18th, 2011 3:26am


Thankyou so much ^_^ I will take your advice with an open mind haha ^_^

Sat, December 17th, 2011 9:49pm


wow.. great start! :))
kmu. thanks :)

Sun, December 18th, 2011 5:39am


Thanks!! Sure thing ^_^

Sat, December 17th, 2011 9:52pm


Wow, I liked that you took me to a journey and in some parts I felt I was really there. Nicely written...looking forward to the next chapter!

Mon, December 19th, 2011 4:26am


Thankyou! I'm glad you felt that way! ^_^

Sun, December 18th, 2011 8:38pm

Lady Wolfsbane

Great and interesting concept, keep up the good work.

Mon, December 19th, 2011 5:19am


Thanks! ^_^

Mon, December 19th, 2011 2:23am

sina fisher

love this! great job!

Mon, December 19th, 2011 6:48pm


Thankyou ^_^

Mon, December 19th, 2011 12:26pm

Richard Staschy

Intresting so far... :)

Mon, December 19th, 2011 10:11pm


Thankyou :)

Mon, December 19th, 2011 2:35pm


awesome start really good, i loved it =D KMU please!

Mon, December 19th, 2011 10:40pm


thanks!! That's great! Sure thing ^_^

Mon, December 19th, 2011 2:42pm


I like the suspense, your descriptions are amazing. Will read more :)

Wed, December 21st, 2011 1:21pm


thanks! I'll let you know when more is posted ^_^

Wed, December 21st, 2011 12:30pm


~~ Obviously this is very professionally written, so much so that it caught me off guard... Well done indeed. o.o

Thu, December 22nd, 2011 5:45am


really?? Thanks heaps! ^_^

Thu, December 22nd, 2011 1:37am


Wow. That was...amazing. The way you wrote it and described the scene was flawless and incredible. Very attention grabbing and well done. And VERY impressive! :)
I'll be reading on for sure! Excellent job! I'm thoroughly intrigued. Keep up the great work! :D


Fri, December 23rd, 2011 4:34am


Thanks!! Thankyou for the feedback! I was aiming for a lot of description, it was a little difficult though because the idea for this story came from a dream, so putting it into words was the challenge. Glad you like the story so far! ^_^

Fri, December 23rd, 2011 12:53am

Ivory Vladescu

I'm sorry, I haven't started reading yet, I just wanted to say that (no offense!) the plot pretty much sounds like a cross between Saw and The Hunger Games. Just thought I would say...

Fri, December 23rd, 2011 6:53am


That's ok. And don't worry it is nothing like either. My idea is completely original and I have no intention of making it like either of those books. I wasn't even aiming for a stoy like saw. I do like the hunger games but I'm not trying to copy it. This idea came from one of my dreams :)

Fri, December 23rd, 2011 12:54am

Matthew Brazwell

This is wonderfully written. I plan to read as much of the story as I can, so please KMU. c:

Sun, December 25th, 2011 12:51am


wow thanks! I hope you enjoy it! Thanks! ^_^

Sat, December 24th, 2011 5:00pm


this is gonna be good, I can tell.
Thanks for the invite , I am certainly glad you left me one. I'll read more when I take another break from writing. Good work

Tue, December 27th, 2011 4:26pm


thanks, I'm glad you took the time to come and read it ^_^

Tue, December 27th, 2011 1:09pm


That was intensly amazing start
Great jod, dude :))

Tue, December 27th, 2011 5:45pm


thanks! ^_^ The other chapers are even I'm told ;)

Tue, December 27th, 2011 1:10pm


So far so good! I'll read on! Nice work.

Sun, January 1st, 2012 2:00pm


Thanks! ^_^

Sun, January 1st, 2012 12:49pm


impressive suspense. i'll read on.. kmu

Sun, January 1st, 2012 2:48pm


Thankyou! ^_^ Sure thing

Sun, January 1st, 2012 12:49pm

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