"Ive fucked 4 hookers in the last 2 weeks." Is he proud of it? Seems like he is. Yes, hes married. Facebook says hes happily married. Engagement photos were just
beautiful. The wedding? One of kind, arent they all? The baby pics? True bliss. Yes, Im cyncial. Ive had too many conversations where I get the back story. I
get the confessions. I get the dirt. People trust me...they know I wont say anything. Ill never reveal names, I wont ever let the person get caught. But Ill talk about it.
I talk because the people doing these dirty deeds are just the same as you and me. Maybe just me. Its theraputic for me. It makes me feel more normal. Im not that
different. I do the same....Not the hookers per se, but the general act. The act of showing people you are happy when maybe there is something missing. It doesnt mean you arent
happy in general, but you just arent TOTALLY happy. You are settling.
The difference with me is that all of this holds me back from marriage. The only girl I ever really loved, I had to let go because I knew my selfish nature would cause me to be a dick to her
in the end. I could settle with her, but to me that meant a life of lies, cheating, all on the premise of love. Sure, I did love her. My guy friends love their wives. Its
sort of a selfish love though. Its a love that is convenient, one thats rules can change depending on the guys mood. Again, this all applies to me as well. The justification is
that on the surface you treat them well. You are sweet, a gentleman, you take care of them. You can provide for them. You are a good dad. You take care of their family, even if
they dont need it. You work hard. This provides justification. "Well, it was just a whore." "I needed to get that out of my system." "She will never find out, it was
meaningless." "It doesnt take away from all the good I do, its a small misstep." No one will find out. Just me, just the friends like me. The wife, the people they
supposedly care about the most, will never know. Its a sobering, and mildly depressing thought to me. Maybe I should just be like the others. The alternative is being alone.
The selfishness does not allow for a compromise here. No meeting in the middle.
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