I loved her and still do love her very much. It very well could be my biggest regret. Should I say something to her? I never could. It wouldnt be the right thing to do.
Whats the purpose? The end goal? All I would do is confuse her. I normally would say whats on my mind, its hard for me to hold back what I have to say. Almost
impossible actually. This is the one time I know I cant. Its not fair. All it would do is confuse her, give her a false expectation of what might be, but I 99% know wont be.
Its a selfish feeling to divulge. I want to say it, but I know it will only make things worse.
My heart actually physically hurts when I think how much I love this girl, and what a selfish ass I can be by not locking her up. I know Ill screw something up eventually, though. Its
sort of a helpless feeling to know you can love someone so much, but know you are too selfish to have any self control with the next hot girl that makes it known that they want to hook up with
you. Its sort of a depressing and dark feeling to know that I could just buckle after a few drinks and screw around with someone without any regard for the woman that I supposedly care
about. Its not even about the drinks, drinkless, I think I may just have the same exact response to a similar situation. There is an element of self loathing here, of course, and that
is not something I will ever be comfortable with. I want to be better, but my whole life I have been like this. I cannot get passed it. Its a lonely feeling that I feel weird
about being sort of comfortable with. I dont really mind it. I dont feel like I can ever give myself to someone, because I know my impatience with monotony will never allow for me to be a
truly good partner. I will always be selfish, I will always act on impulse. History has proven, I cannot resist it. I wont resist it. I live a life that I feel is too
short to pass on potential new experiences. Its a narcissistic lifestyle that blocks me from feeling like an overall, quality person. When I see this in other couples, i call it a
bullshit relationship. Maybe Im too harsh. Maybe its just life, maybe thats just the way it is, despite still being a sucker for what all the movies say it should be.
It was a great feeling to have someone to go to after a long day. Someone to take care of you. It was amazing to be in bed with her, and hold her before she fell asleep. I would
honestly stay up and consciously be thankful to have her in my life. I constantly thought to myself what a great girl she was. I knew she was awesome. I did cherish the time I
had with her. I did appreciate her, and knew not many people were like her. I also knew that it wouldnt last forever. A large part of me wanted it to, but I knew there should be
zero part of me that didnt want it to. Does that make sense? I question myself about it all the time. Still, I think my gut tells me Im doing the right thing. My
problem is is that I think most people in this position go the other route, I think they get married.
People say its normal to have some doubt, I think thats fucked up. My friends have actually told me they were 98% sure they wanted to marry the woman they married. To me, that seems like a
really big two percent thats missing. Every decision Ive made, big decision, Ive been pretty one hundred percent about. Changing jobs, buying a car, doubling down with 11, etc etc...
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