Have you ever had that feeling where you feel like you're being watched, but you know you're in a room by yourself? Do you look
around like you're big and bad, like you aren't scared of what may or may not be in the room with you?
I have a name for that invisible thing. I call it your conscience. Because I'm always doing something wrong, no matter what. I've gotten so bad that now it feels like my conscience has it's own website. It's so big that it watches me. I know when I'm doing something bad, but I don't care. It's fucking college, who gives a shit? You've seen that show, Greek, do they do anything other than party? No. So why should I if the famous pimps and bitches don't have to?
I breathe in smoke and exhale lyrics, scribbling everything down on the small sheet of paper before me. This night has been increasingly rough, too much alcohol and weed mixed together can really get to you sometimes. It was a miracle I was holding my head up, much less writing down song lyrics.
The tangled sheets proved to hold no warmth or comfort for me now, and the only things I could think of to write down were full of meaningless shit. I'd lost myself this week, seeing as midterms were over and I had no reason not to stay up and party for as long and hard as I liked. I'd lost my girlfriend a few weeks before, so that just gave me more of a reason for alcoholic self indulgence. No one around me seemed to mind at parties, shot's and drinks were slid my way as soon as I'd finished whatever was in my hand.
Cursing quietly, I balled up the scrap of paper and tossed it on the floor with the rest of the rejects. Myra didn't approve of what I wrote. Hell, she liked poetry, how was writing song lyrics any different? Fucking bitch, good riddance. She was too stuck up her own ass to bother with anyway. That wasn't just my anger issues talking or my ego. It was the truth.
She'd called it quits because I was too focused on other things, a.k.a partying and the like. Uh, okay? You're a college student too, no one was stopping you from getting your party on. But whatever, I won't see her soon anyway. She's switching dorms with some chick, seeing as she lived right across from my room. Used to make it easy to sleep together, but who gives a shit? She never put out, not once.
I sighed loudly, getting a dirty look from Chez, my roommate Ricky's girlfriend. She was apparently Irish, and loved to talk about it even though she'd never even been to the damn country. Was every girl in this university stuck up their own ass or was it just me? That bitch hated me too. So? What's new?
Why was I even bothering with college? I wasn't interested in it anymore, even though it was my fourth year. I wanted out. You could party anywhere, not just in a college dorm room, I'd have no problem with that. I was so close to getting my degree, but now it just didn't seem worth it anymore. Nothing seemed worth it. You might think I was saying that because I missed Myra, but she had nothing to do with it. We only dated for a few weeks, nothing big or serious. We could have at least stayed friends, but she has to go get all mature about it and switch rooms with a girl all the way across campus.
Ricky let out a sigh, cursing quietly when a commercial came on. He was the exact opposite of me, but surprisingly we'd been best friends since 9th grade. He was quiet and responsible, caring and one hell of boyfriend for Chez,(ew.) He seemed to keep me in line when I was here, meaning this room. I wasn't allowed to have parties here, thanks to good ole Rickmeister.
"Do we have any Sprite left, or did you finish it off?" he asked, looking over at me. I laughed; I hadn't this time, actually.
"We do. Meaning I didn't drink it," I said, narrowing my eyes at his lame self. God, people are slow these days. I'd just taken a hit an hour ago and even I wasn't that sluggish. Chez rolled her eyes and stood up, glancing over at the clock.
"I think I should get going. It's past 12," she said, yawning and stretching. Chez might have been a huge bitch, but she had a nice pair of everything. Ricky was strict with the whole abstinence thing though, so I knew he probably tried not to acknowledge that fact. I never said a word to him about it though, I at least had that much respect for the twat.
"Yeah, you should," I muttered, getting up off the leather couch and tossing my pen at the desk in front of Chez. She ignored it and I rolled my eyes. Bitches these days always seemed to find their way into this room.
Ricky got up and I gagged inwardly at their heartfelt goodbyes before exiting the living room. No way was I going to stand there and watch him choke her with his tongue. Save it for the bed room. Oh wait, never mind. You can't, seeing as we share a room.
Yeah, it made it pretty hard to get any off of a girl when she knew someone else would hear. Didn't matter much to me, but then again nothing really did. I'm just Ryan.I don't have any big problems with my life, I live for nothing. I'm not too happy with how my life's going, and I don't know where I'll end up, but I just don't care. I guess that's good enough.
I took one last look at Ricky and Chez before I left. They knew what they wanted in life. Each other.
It wasn't like I missed having a girlfriend all the time. I didn't. I didn't mind one, but I wasn't going to care if I was single for a while. In the end, relationships just hold you back. College wasn't doing much for me either.
I sighed as I walked down the hall way, making sure I didn't look at Myra's door. I figured she'd be coming back from some stupid study session right about now, avoiding her was going to be impossible until she moved.
The sky was bright with stars when I finally stepped outside and I cursed quietly, wanting a cigarette all of a sudden. I'd tried to quit, but tonight was proof that I couldn't write shit without one.
"Hey, Ryan! Man, you gotta smoke or something?" Someone walked up beside me and I jumped, turning around and shaking my head. Of course someone would have to ask me when I didn't.
I had no idea who the guy was that asked, but he let out a loud "fuck" and walked off. Maybe this was the only reason I hung around college. I knew few people, but everyone knew me. Maybe I just didn't want to let go of that high school fame. Who knew. I'm pretty sure all the pot had really gone to my head by now. Nothing made much sense anymore.
I sat down on the grass, aimlessly humming along to whatever song was playing at the dorm next door to mine. I liked quiet when I was bored to death. Tonight was pretty damn dead to me now, seeing as it was nearing one already.
I heard Chez's laugh as she walked out from the door I'd just come through, her pointless chatter resounding across the lawn. I turned slightly, a tall brunette was walking with her. Her head was down as she laughed along with Chez, and I sighed, turning back around.
Yeah, this night was proving to be pretty damn dead.
This is a new story of mine that I haven't really been working on for a while. If you have seen it before, it's probably been on Mibba, where all of my work is posted.Character pictures or descriptions will come later on in the story. (: Thanks for reading, comments are greatly appreciated. For chapter two please go to the table of contents. It's not showing up as a number for some reason.
© Copyright 2017 bellastaire. All rights reserved.
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