Despite what they say, Im still me. No matter what they give me, I will always have the thoughts. I cant be tamed, I wish to be killed, excuted, anything to drive the pain away. I want to be alone, just for a while, well maybe forever. I want that smae thoughts and feelings I had as a child before the insodent. She was so younge and so was I but the memories haunt me like it was yesterday. I felt her hands shake as blood ran down her cheeks, I was there. My Advisores werent. They dont know what happened and they cant know what Im feeling.
I hate going to the conselor. He doesnt understand no matter what it is. Everyone has there own thought process and everyone feels different at best he thinks im crazy. I wish, I wish life wouldnt be so long and devastating. The things you remember from people isnt the good its the bad. Its easy to leave the good behind cause it wont tramatise you leaving you restless in the night.
He comes in the waiting room tells me to follow. I move without a word. I hate this place more than you could ever know. This is for physco's witch I am not. I feel that they treat me like Im not trust worthy, that Im incapalbe. I am, I can, I dont want to live, exspecail not like this. I follow him down to the end of the hall passing many doors on the way.
I walk into his large office filled with chairs, bookshevels and a big desk in the coner. "Please sit Mr.Owens. I take a seat in the center of the room on a couch. "Now how is your day today" He starts to speak. "I would rather not discuss if that is okay with you, I would perfer we speak of you , since how am I to trust you to know me if I dont know you" I said sounding professional.
He agreed to tell me his day and about him first. I mostely did this cause I hoped that we would run out of time for me. He wasnt a good conselor, he couldnt get a word about myself from me ever except critism. "Well Today was great, I woke up early this morning and had good conversation with my wife" he flinched as he said any happy words just a little. He would tighten lightly and then loosen his hands showing he that he didnt want to look mad. Most people wouldnt notice but I did I wanted to be a profiler when I was older I tried to observe these things in people.
"You didnt have a good morning did you, you and your wife got into fight, and you woke up late dreading to have to come and talk to crazy people. Also right now your wondering why you ever wanted this job and dont really care about other peoples feelings or lives, am I Wrong" I asked crossing my legs like he did often. "Your wrong, and i told you I had a great morning. I really do care about peoples feelings and I like my job" He said glarring wondering how I knew all that. "Keep telling your self that but me and you have an hour if you want to talk about it" I said smiling. "Were here to talk about you not my problems" He said proving me right about everything.
He kept asking questions of things that I refused to answer making him obvously anger. I had been meeting with him for weeks now and he couldnt get anything out of me but words of critizim and me refusing to answer. I could see he was taking notes like how crazy I am and everything else but I dont think Im crazy just different. I have just seen to much and done to much to keep on.
After an hour time to return home to my overally fake happy mother and my silent father. Me and my father even before the whole insident werent close. I wonder even if he cared about when I was gone. Proubly not, he was proubly to buissy cheating on my mother who was clueless about it, whitch you could expect if you ever met my mother. Everything always went over her head except she was book smart. She was a doctor.
I liked my mom but not her fake happiness I would perfer her real moods but she never wants to upset me so she is always happy in front of me.
Are house was nice not to fancy or anything just simple and nice. I like are house but it lacked a home feeling to it. I missed are old house in Minnisota even though Wisconsin is much the same. Cold winters, warm summers it just want home and the house wasnt mine. It felt like I was staying a hotel and sooner or later I would always feel home sick. I was homesick, wishing I was else wear most of the time.
I didnt have many friends, I really didtn want any. My last group of friend was Leah who wont talk to me and is currently locked up in a mental phisilaty. Then there was Jenna my old best friend before she left us. Just the memories of the days in the cellar haunted me and her name made my knees shake and turn.
I went to my room. My room was simple blue walls and matching bed sheets. I had radio and tv. "Caleb, dinners ready" My older brother called from down the steps. Collin was a good older brother he never did harm but he was always jelouse of me and I dont understand why. I went down stairs sitting across from him at the table it was like looking a mirrior that made me taller. Me and him had the same face shape generally and same brown hair, hazel eyes.
After dinner I retreat to solidtude in my room not looking to sit threw another family game night were mom pretends to be happy when she is really about to break down, were dad sits waiting to leave for his "office" and Collin sits glarring at me as though I've done wrong. I feel as thought my family has fallen apart and I am alone in the world. The feeling is great I cant stand it I pull the container from under the bed and start.
started to release myself
threw thick lines the
leaked my shame
my sanity little by little
and then flowed quickly
and then stopped
I start again new spot
wear the vain runs across your body
wear no one would look
down by your foot by not quite there
I slid the little peice of metal
pushing so hard
that I thought my arms were going to break
and my life be forever lost
Yet, I only wish my life could foreverly be lost in the soul of pain but alas all things must end. I pop my self medicated pill and swallow quickly. I get into bed and wait for the medicine to take its tole.
A/N: srry for spelling mistakes!! Please leave a comment if you want me to continue this or not, Im not sure that anyone will like it or not, leave comment good or bad THANKYOU!!!
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