Excuse Me? What Did You Say?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

A traffic cop has "one of those nights."

A Police officer pulls a car to the side of the road that has been driving erratically.  When he walks up to the driver's side window and taps it with his flashlight, the widow rolls down.

DRIVER:  Is there a problem, officer?

OFFICER:  Step out of the car, ma'am.

DRIVER:  Have I done ... your lips are hairy shower curtains ... something wrong?

OFFICER:  Excuse me?  What did you say?

DRIVER:  What?  I asked if I'd ... my tortillas speak with a Swedish accent ... done something illegal.

OFFICER:  Just step out of the car.

DRIVER:  Yes sir.

The driver exits her car with a bewildered look on her face.

OFFICER:  Have you been drinking tonight?

DRIVER:  No!  I just go off work ... I'll let you pet my hamster if you step in lemon pie ... and I was on my way home.  I never drink and drive.

OFFICER:  Ma'am, are you on any medication?  Are you seeing a physician?

DRIVER:  What are you talking about?  Can I ask why you pulled me over?

OFFICER:  Let me see your driver's license and proof of insurance, please.

DRIVER:  Of ... walla, walla hand grenades ... course.

She hands her information to the patrol officer and he examines them with his flashlight.

OFFICER:  Is there someone you can call to drive you home?

DRIVER:  Why on earth do ... I was a little girl when the Martians ate my dog ... I need to do that?  What traffic laws did I break?

OFFICER:  Just about all of them.  Why don't you calm down and give me the number of someone who can come and get you.

DRIVER:  I'm perfectly ... ping pong balls in the pudding ... capable of driving myself home.

OFFICER:  If someone doesn't come to drive you home, you'll force me to take you in to the station.

DRIVER:  I've never been arrested in my life!  I haven't done ... oh look, I can whistle with my eyebrows ... anything wrong!

OFFICER:  It's your choice, but you're not driving anywhere tonight.

DRIVER:  Fine!

The driver enters a number on her cell phone and waits.

Hey.  I got pulled over ...

Please!  I'm completely sober ...

He won't let me drive ...

I don't know ...

At Riverside and Sixth ...

I don't know.  Just get over here ...


OFFICER:  Okay, good.  Have a seat in the back of the patrol car.

DRIVER:  Seriously, do you ... Tinker bell farted pixie dust in my sandwich ... think I'm going to make a break for it?

OFFICER:  Just sit down in the car.  You're giving me a head ache.

The woman enters the back of the patrol car and the officer slams the door shut.  He leans against the outside of the door and breathes a sigh of relief.  Twenty minutes later, a pickup truck pulls in behind the officer's car and a man exits. 

MAN:  What is going on, officer?

OFFICER:  Is this your wife?

MAN:  No, I'm her psychiatrist.  I've been looking everywhere for her.

OFFICER:  Thank goodness.  She shouldn't be driving.

MAN:  Yes sir, I know.  I'll take her back to the hospital right away.  Thank you.

OFFICER:  I'm glad no one got hurt.

MAN:  I'll take care of her.

The officer opens the patrol car door and the psychiatrist helps the woman into the pickup truck.  As the truck begins to pull away, the psychiatrist rolls down his window, leans his head out and waves to the officer.

MAN:  Bing bang boodle, someone ate my noodles!

OFFICER:  (to himself) Now why doesn't that surprise me?


Submitted: March 07, 2014

© Copyright 2022 brucek. All rights reserved.

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Add Your Comments:


Joseph Mark

Good one!

Fri, March 7th, 2014 6:19am


thank you!

Fri, March 7th, 2014 6:34am

Mike Stevens

Funny ha, ha, Bruce!

Fri, March 7th, 2014 5:00pm


ho ho, thank you!

Fri, March 7th, 2014 9:07pm


A good lead up, disappointing Finnish

Sat, March 8th, 2014 12:48am


huh. what do you think i should change?

Fri, March 7th, 2014 9:08pm


Excellent bit of nonsense, Bruce. I absolutely love it. "ping pong balls in the pudding". Just brilliant. You really are a talented humorist with a knack for what makes people laugh without sounding forced. Good going. Keep them coming, friend. :)

Sat, March 8th, 2014 12:14pm


hi there! hope all is well with you. you hit it right on the head, this is silly. but, i was lucky enough to stumble on an idea that allowed me to play with words, which is what i enjoy the most.

Sat, March 8th, 2014 6:49am


Far out. made my day Ha ha

Sat, March 8th, 2014 12:33pm



Sat, March 8th, 2014 6:49am


Can I just say that the comment above on the 7th did not come from me, where it says 'good lead up disappointing Finnish, not me, don't know how that got on to my box.

Sun, March 9th, 2014 12:29am


really? how strange. that's the first time i've ever had that happen. i wonder who the prankster was?

Sat, March 8th, 2014 7:19pm

Teri Cross Chetwood

Funny, Bruce. VERY funny. But why am I not surprised?

Sun, March 9th, 2014 5:08am


who, me? don't have a clue what you're talking about. so, that would make me clueless.

Sat, March 8th, 2014 10:24pm

ben hardstaff

Put a HUGE smile on my face B. It reminded me of a time many years ago when I was stood waiting for a bus and a guy asked me for a light and then called me a CUNT FUCKER CUNT CUNT CUNT!!!! He then apologised and told me he suffered from tourettes, then told me to fuck off, then apologised again.

Wed, March 12th, 2014 6:18am


i don't mean to make fun of people with this condition, but, my God, when the humor potential is that obvious, what's a poor guy to do? i'm gonna guess you never became close friends with the guy.

Wed, March 12th, 2014 11:08am

Iskah E Shirah

Love the twist ending

Tue, March 18th, 2014 3:36pm


thanks. nice to hear from you. i would love to have your email address so we can chat. you're a really cool person. let me know.

Tue, March 18th, 2014 7:54pm

Chris Green

This is a really inventive story yet so simple a premise. Each phrase that he comes up with is funny. Well done.

Wed, May 7th, 2014 6:46am


thanks! it was fun to write, as i recall.

Thu, May 8th, 2014 1:18am

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