I pushed through the cold metal doors with a force that could be compared to the Incredible Hulk, barely noticing the nurses that rushed to my side, trying to stop me from going into the ward.
“You can’t go in there, you don’t have permission,” they said, over and over, their voices all melting together. “You need to go back to the waiting room. We’ll keep you updated on whatever happens, sir.”
I didn’t care. I kept going, as if they hadn’t spoken to me at all. It wasn’t like I understood what all of what they were saying, anyways. I had to find her. I absolutely had to; even if that meant that they would call the police on me. If that’s what it took…
Hallways; there were so many of them, twisting and bending, forming some sort of labyrinth just to confuse me. I didn’t know where to turn. I had no clue what her room number was, her parents refused to tell me anything. It was amazing that I even knew what hospital she was in, and that was only because I was the one who called the ambulance and rode with her the entire way there.
There were too many doctors, nurses, other various people around me. I just wanted to be alone, to find her. But they kept following me, snipping things about how this could be considered a legal offense, which they might have to use to press charges against me, things of that nature. I couldn’t really hear them, though. I was in an unrealistic state of mind, desperate to find her.
A bitter taste gathered in the back of my throat, a vision of her collapsed on the floor, blood spilling out of her mouth coming up in my mind. It was like I was reliving that night all over again. I could almost hear my frantic voice as I called 911, the screech of sirens in the background noise.
My breath caught in my throat. I felt light-headed.
I could feel myself lose my footing, my balance completely knocked of kilter, and I fell to the floor. My face hit the linoleum, but I could hardly feel anything for a few solid minutes. All I knew was that the groups of hospital officials were rushed around me now, trying to see if there were any signs of injury from my fall.
As I was unresponsive, they didn’t know that I was actually okay. They lifted me up onto a gurney, somehow, and started to wheel me out. I looked around in a panic, trying to catch some glimpse of her. But the halls they were wheeling me down had no patient rooms, so I could see nothing.
I leapt of the gurney, finally springing back into life. I couldn’t lose her, not here, not now. I pushed my way through the doctors and ran down the halls, my feet slipping, but managing to catch balance somehow.
“Ana!” my voice cracked at the volume I was using. I had been silent for hours, since I had been placed into the waiting room, and the transition from mute to screaming was not taken well. “Ana, where are you?!”
The doctors tried to silence me, even going as far as to try and grab my arms and legs to keep me from going any farther. I pushed them away, forcing myself to keep moving. My muscles ached, but that didn’t matter. I just had to find her, if that was the last thing I ever did.
“Baby! Ana! Answer me!” I yelled, choking down sobs of frustration and pain.
The hallways just kept on winding every which way. I was getting confused as to what direction I had come from, they all seemed so similar. My fists clenched up and I gritted my teeth, shoving one of the doctors in to a wall.
“Tell me where she is! Please!” I turned to yell at the groups gathered around me. “I need to know!”
Suddenly my motives became apparent to them all. I wasn’t trying to break in; I wasn’t trying to harm anyone. I just needed to find her, as if they couldn’t have been able to understand that long before now.
For a moment they looked shocked that I wasn’t trying to rob the hospital or break a patient out, I was just a concerned person. None of them seemed to know what to do for a few more minutes, so we all just stood there in the hallway.
My shoulders were heaving from the panicked breathing, and it began to feel like the walls were closing in on me. The silence was killing me; I couldn’t take the feeling of unknowing, couldn’t bear not to be able to see her yet. I knew that was the only thing that would calm me down, seeing Ana and making sure that she was okay, that she was safe and healthy.
Their faces became masks of sympathy and pain. I had been given a sudden burst of hope that maybe, now that they knew why I was here, they would take me to her room. I let one of them take me by my arm, as if I was a young child being escorted by their teacher to the nurse’s office. I felt inferior, but didn’t care, so long as I could see her.
A doctor led me down another long hall, me following along in a naïve state of mind. I followed along, occasionally looking for a door to a patient room. But instead he took me into a dimly lit room, with a few chairs and several boxes of tissues.
“Sit down, please,” he said. His voice was thick and hard like iron. A chill ran down my spine as I took a seat.
He looked uncomfortable, and I felt ready to scream at him to just tell me already, but I held my tongue. My hands fidgeted as I tried to distract myself from what he was about to say. At this point, I seemed to know what he was about to say before he did. It was becoming painfully obvious, although it hadn’t hit me yet.
“I’m sorry to tell you, sir….” His voice trailed off. “But Ana passed away this morning. She went into cardiac arrest. We did everything we could.”
I couldn’t feel, couldn’t breathe. Everything felt cold and I could only hear the same thing over and over again, “Ana passed away, Ana passed away,” echoing inside my brain. Tears fell down the sides of my face, but I couldn’t move enough to wipe them away.
“I’ll give you some time to yourself,” the doctor said in a quiet yet pained tone. “Coping with this sort of loss is difficult. I’m sorry.”
I watched the doctor walk out of the room, not moving an inch. It felt like I was made of ice, like nothing would ever matter again. Now that Ana was gone…..
The realization was enough to make me burst into sobs.
Sitting there in the room by myself, I continued to let myself cry. There was no one there to see me, no one there to tell me to pull it together. I lost her, forever. She was dead, gone, and I hadn’t gotten to tell her I loved her one last time. I wasn’t even allowed to see her one last time.
I’d never see my beautiful Ana ever again.
Word Count: 1,248
© Copyright 2016 Coralie. All rights reserved.
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