Chapter 1: The Skeleton Torso Cycle

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

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Comments: 1

The Bushmaster:
Chapter 1

The moon cast a blood red light over the scene of carnage. I was frozen in fear as the hellfire consumed the fields of scuppernongs. The bitter odor of shame that is a burnt scuppernong, or any scuppernong for that matter, permeated the air around me. Who am I? I am Gong.

As the scuppernongs were sucked into the inferno, suddenly there was a boom, and then I saw the most gruesome sight I have ever beheld. Thousands upon thousands of scuppernongs flew out of the inferno and rained on the earth like a hailstorm. I heard The Devil Himself belch with disgust at the horrid fruit. I was smitten with revultion. I tried to flee from the horrible sight that was laid out before me, but alas, I was not quick enough. I was whacked in the head by a scuppernong that must have been 3000 degrees Fahrenheit, because it was cast out of the inferno. I was about to die when suddenly I was rescued by some guy. He swooped from the inferno and took me by my flaming hair. We flew away until we hit a tree. The mysterious man fell to the ground and passed out. He had a tail. After many seconds, I passed out too.

I love Shaleena. I think she loves me, too. But Charlie (he's a dork) think's she's ugly. I don't like Charlie. He doesn't like me, either. The mayor doesn't like Matthew. Matthew robbed a graveyard. His life's dream was to rob a graveyard and now that he did, his shame is neverending.

After what must have been 3 months, I regained conciousnous. The man who rescued me was still around.

"I'm Boomslang!" said the man.

"Uh... I'm Gong," I replied. "Do you want to be my friend?"

"Sure," replied Boomslang.

I said, "Let's go to the pub and beat up Charlie."


Joe's Pub was the sleaziest place in town. Charlie was the sleaziest person in town. When Charlie went to Joe's Pub, there was so much sleaze that I nearly faint every visit. But I go there because Shaleena goes there every day. She's a true patron. I love Shaleena. I think she loves me too. But Charlie (he's a dor--

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" screamed Boomslang.

The sonic waves emanating from this character knocked me into a ditch. It was now that I thought that this man may have a special gift.

"Do you have a special gift?" I asked.

"Well..." he said, "I'm from Hell. I have lots of evil powers."

"That's wicked."


We entered the pub. Charlie was playing a piano, vainly attempting to charm his girlfriend. I think his girlfriend is ugly. Charlie thinks that Shaleena is ugly. Charlie is ugly.

There's this guy called Hanz and this other guy called Baldy and this other guy called Fishmonger and they are all in a gang. They like to act out lame skits. As they acted, I noticed a severed arm in the corner of the room. I screamed in horror, but before I fainted again, Boomslang sent a bolt of lightning into the arm and destroyed it. I praised him for this act and was about to thank him again until a guy with one arm walked into the room asking people if they'd seen his arm. Charlie quickly pointed out that Boomslang had destroyed his arm. Without hesitation, I kicked Charlie in the groin. Charlie began to spew out cyan slime. I fainted.

When I woke up, I realized that nobody had left yet. They had all gotten to the part when they all get drunk and start chasing around their girlfriends, who were also drunk. I had to stay clear of the stampede, lest I be caught in the rumble and trampled to death. I got up. I decided to get drunk too, inspite of the dangers. I walked up to the bartender and demanded drinks for free. The sleazy bartender didn't feel like giving away free drinks today so he pulled a gun on me. Before he could fire, Boomslang fired another bolt of lightning at him. He ran away, and all the drinks were mine! Ha! Ha! Ha! I proceeded to get drunk.

"Ha ha!" exclaimed Boomslang.

Suddenly Shaleena walked into bar and time stood still. To my surprise, time didn't stop because Boomslang said, "So you're the great Shaleena, eh?"

Everybody else in the bar laughed. "Great Shaleena?" "Shaleena's ugly!"

Hmf. They were drunk.

Boomslang looked at me. Boomslang looked at Shaleena. Boomslang looked at me. Shaleena looked at Boomslang. Boomslang looked at Shaleena. Hanz looked at Baldy.

"Well this is strange," said Boomslang. "Well, enough of this. Gong, I dare you! I dare you to challenge the devil himself, toppling him from his lofty throne! Hey, that sounds cool, doesn't it?"

"Er... no..." I said.

Seeing Shaleena watching me, I had to accept anyway to show my bravery to her.

"...Er... I mean yes! Really cool! Not to insult the devil or anything, but this is way below my level! I'll show you, Shaleena, I mean you all!"


Chapter 2

I could hardly believe I took that dare from Boomslang. Assaulting The Devil Himself? Imbecile! But I couldn't back down. Not with Shaleena in the room! I couldn't disappoint such a beautiful woman! I just want to go up to her and--

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" cried Boomslang.

I flew into a wall. My head cracked. I would have died if Boomslang didn't drain the life out of the bartender and transfer it to me. Luckily for the bartender, he naturally had more life points than I did. He survived, but just barely.

I felt delirious. Suddenly, an egg, a piece of toast, and a sausage walked into the bar. They walked right up to the bartender.

The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

The breakfast foods walked away in disappointment.

"Okay, down to buisiness," said Boomslang.

We went to the shop, buying everything we needed for our journey. While Boomslang bought a candy bar, I bought sleeping bags, bottled water, astronaut food, a can of demon repellant, fire extinguisher (safety in Hell first!), a chainsaw, a sombrero, a pair of insulated gloves, a cheap romance novel, a pillow, a book of crossword puzzels, a Mr. Yummy's yummy candy adventure pack fun size deluxe, a cell phone, a piece of paper with Shaleena's phone number (I could probably remember it but I just want to make sure), a piece of paper with the number: 911 (I can't remember that one), my lucky toothbrush, my lucky toothpaste, my lucky tooth, my Limited Edition "Electro vs. Spiderboy" Comic Book, 62 diapers, my pet goldfish, a picture of Shaleena when she was -4 months old (taken by the most friendly doctor), a severed head on a pike, the fossilized skulls of the Seven Dwarves, a roll of toilet paper, and last but not least, a Clay Aiken CD (I'm proud to be a Clay-Mate!).

We were all suited up. Ready for action. Super Spy! Boom! Boomslang said that we first needed to travel to the Fairly Small Island In The Sea Of Disparity Where The Shell Of The Man Who Was Once The Empire Lies In Perpetual Darkness Within His Dark Abode, Waiting For Someone To Come And Relieve Him Of His Epilepsy. But Boomslang said I could just call it Tokojomojo for short.

We set off walking towards the docks. It happened to be Halloween, so all the kids were dressed up in nerdy outfits. People kept complimenting Boomslang's "costume". As we were walking, some nerdy runt of a child jumped out of a bush and exclaimed, "Behold the almighty Bushmaster!"

"I defy you, kid!" screeched Boomslang. I just kept walking.

At this, we prepared to embark. The first thing we had to do was get a boat, and more importantly, get a life. We got a life at Henroo's Life and Icecream Shack. We bought some icecream, too. We went south to the docks, only to find a tribe of river hippies migrating south for the winter. Since they made Indian-style boats out of trees (that they hugged first), we forced them to make us one because we didn't want to spend our precious money on a stupid American-style boat. Off we went, out to sea.


Chapter 3

Boomslang offered to inform me about what was happening in Hell and about the various Hell factions. I eagerly waited to hear what he had to say, but I had to wait for him to get used to the stench of dead fish sitting in the boat that were supposed to keep the boat afloat. Accursed river hippies. I finally found out how these fish worked. I picked one up, and the boat began to sink! Eureka! Live fish can keep themselves afloat, so dead ones keep boats afloat!
0(*_*)0 ???

Boomslang barfed all over my nice, clean, Clay Aiken shirt. Clay's my hero! I slapped Boomslang like a girl. The shock bounced through him and back to me, causing an atomic explosion. Fortunately, no one was hurt.

Boomslang commenced his monotonous lecture.

"First, you must learn about your new nemesis, The Devil Himself. He's evil. His first name is The, his middle name is Devil, and his sir-name is Himself. Some guys just call him The Himself, because people don't usually say other people's middle names. Some wackos like to call him Satan. Some call him Lucifer, others call him Beelzebub, and others call him Fred.

The Devil's main Hell nemesis is called Spa'am, he leads most of the Hell troops. Remember! Hell troops are totally different than demons! The Devil Himself commands most of the demons. The other demons are controlled by Dippo, the Lord of Stinky Socks and Rippo, the Lord of Lakescum. There are also several Lok Lords who have an army of undead livestock. I personally think they should be called "undeadstock".

I said, "Doesn't undead mean alive?"


The shockwave coming from Boomslang's head toppled the boat and we all capsized. Neither of us could swim, so we drowned.

After about three days, we woke up in a locker. It was too small for both me and Boomslang, so it busted open and we fell out. The stench smelled like a dead yak.

"Arr, who goes there?" said some smelly pirate.

"Let me do the talking," said Boomslang. "Arr, Boomsla--"

The smelly pirate slapped Boomslang, claiming that he was the captain, and that only he could say "Arr!"

"Arr! I'm Davey Jones! And this is my locker!" said the smelly pira-- --SLAP!--

"Arr, I'm no pirate! I'm the captain!"

"Oh, okay. Well if you were going to slap me, you should have done it before I wrote the letter "R" in pirate. You know, "R--




"Ow! Not "arr--




"Your mom!"


"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" howled Boomslang.

There was silence. After 8.73 seconds, Davey Jones gave Boomslang a vacant stare and said "Arr". Then he walked away. As he was about to turn a corner, he pulled a rope and said: GO TO HELL!

The floor beneath us crumbled away and we fell--








Two days passed. We hit a lava pool and drowned. We would have died had we not already got dead. As we crawled out, we looked around.

"Hurray!" "We made it to Hell!"

"Now we dethrone The!"


"Yes! The Devil Himself!"



Chapter 4

We made it to Hell. I pulled out my fire extinguisher and attacked the flames! I was having success until we were ambushed by a band of goblins.

"What in Hell are goblins doing here?" demanded Boomslang.

The goblins replied, "Raaaahhh".

I looked through my inventory for a suitable weapon. All that remained were 12 diapers, the picture of Shaleena (whew), the dwarf skulls, and the Clay Aiken CD (thank goodness). My goldfish had swam away when we drowned, the astronaut food had exploded when it hit the water, and my various lucky items had not turned out to be so lucky. Thinking fast, I threw the diapers. Unfortunately, since there were only 12 diapers, only 12 goblins died. 3 goblins remained. We were about to get "dead" when Boomslang pulled out a dwarf skull and started chanting: "Noam Ina Himay Ryyk Ulic Kel'Brakin Poe".

The goblins began to chatter among themselves. After about 12.98 seconds, the goblins seized us and told us we were to be spared a horrible fate as long as we gave the skulls to their lord, Neomander.

Boomslang grimaced.

We were taken to a misty castle in the lands on Ryyn, one of the many regions of Hell.

Boomslang began a boring rant.

"Neomander was once royal cupbearer for The Devil Himself, but wasn't content with his position. He wanted power, so he joined the rebellion led by Keelback the Kobold. Keelback's army was defeated, but the remaining rebels fled and set up their own kingdoms in the mysterious beyond of Hell, where Himself's scouts wouldn't dare follow. Recently, however, the rebels of old have become more bold. They have been making raids on The Devil Himself's supply lines and markets. Some have even declared war! But as far as I know, Neomander hasn't. Even though he doesn't want to get involved, Neomander's goblins like to make raids on Devil's supply depots and take valuable artifacts for Neomander's collection. That's why they spared us--for the skulls."

We continued to walk with the goblins to the Hell fortress. As we walked, we saw several things so morbid that they cannot be explained in words--except one looked liked Charlie. The goblins tried in vain to explain why, but all I heard was: "Raahh! Raga raga!" We also saw a group of young demons playing dodgeball with the head of The Grand Old Duke Of York Who Had Ten-Thousand Men. What a long name. Two Storm Beasts were attempting to kill each other, but since they were already dead, it didn't do much good. A band of Kobolds ambushed us and were about to attack but the Goblins warded them off by pursuading them with a stern: "Raagghh!!!"

As we got closer to our destination, the mist thickened and the flames began to die down. Boomslang belched. We saw a band of demons playing the song: "I Want to Hold Your Hand". Boomslang belched. We saw a small group of devils having a cookout. Boomslang belched. Another band of demons were playing the Hell national anthem: "Hell, My Hell". Boomslang belched. To help Boomslang get his mind off these horrible, horrible, terrible things, I showed him the picture of -4 month old Shaleena (such beauty). Boomslang vomited.


Chapter 5

As we finally reached our destination, I clutched the Clay Aiken CD in fear. A ginormous castle loomed before us, wreathed in mist. Suddenly, a herd of banshees started wailing. It was eery, but at the same time--


The banshees scattered. We finally reached the gate of the castle. It was covered with mold. 10 demons screamed at us, and then ran away. An evil looking goblin guard said we could enter, or I think he did, because all he said was: "Gompsha Gompsha!" But he ushered us in, so I think it was okay. The goblins led us to Neomander's terrible room, which was covered with moldy collectibles. There was an empty stand that was labled: "Fossilized Skulls of the Seven Dwarves". That had to be it. Other displays included the severed arm of Grendel, the partially evolved remains of Charles Darwin, my lucky tooth (grrr), a limited edition miniature of Alexander the Great (he always was kinda short), a dead corpse, a giant eyeball complete with blinking action, the golden bra of Hercules, Jessica Alba in a bikini, an old cabbage, a random skeleton torso, a Garfield comic strip, and a skull called John.

"So................finally.....................I have..........................THE SKULLS!..............................................Ha...............ha................ha.............ha ha.........................ha.......................ha ha ha......................ha................................HA!"

These were the terrible words of Neomander, Lord of the Mist. I was horrified. As soon as the goblins placed the skulls on display, the skulls began to grow all moldy. He must also be the Lord of Mold. Everything in the room was covered in it, except, strangly enough, Jessica Alba (in a bikini). I was about to remark this to Boomslang but he was in a trance staring at Jessica who gave him a wink.


Neomander began to stink and melt.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he exclaimed.

"I..............need.................the one who brought willingly give them over to.....................meee.............................otherwise....................DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! So what do you want for them?"

I looked around. I asked what each object did, but none interested me except for the skeleton torso. Neomander said that it is imbued with divine energy, protecting the wearer against all kinds of devilish attacks and demons of all sorts. It could even repel attacks from The Devil Himself. Neomander told me that he once used it to escape the Devil's assault. Boomslang said he wanted the Golden Bra of Hercules that granted invincibility to all things, divine and otherwise, but I said that if I ever wrote a book series about my adventures, "Skeleton Torso" sounded so much cooler than "The Bra of Hercules", or "Darwin's Remains" as was Boomslang's second suggestion. The remains can evolve the owner into a Sotomaphindite, a higher version of the human.

We took the torso. Giving Neomander my thanks for the torso and our very lives, we left the bleak abode and went on our way. We traveled back into the firey regions of Hell. Boomslang pointed out a run down brick building spewing out black smoke.

"What is that?" I asked.

"That would be the Deviled Egg factory," replied Boomslang, "The Devil Himself sends demons up to earth to steal chicken eggs. They bring them back down here to devil them, then send them back up, charging food merchants (in cahoots with The) ridiculous prices for them. Then naive people eat them for Thanksgiving."

"Devil them?"

"Yes, devil them!"

"How do they do that?"

"You don't want to know..."


"Hey, that's my gig!"

"Not anymore! Now I have all the powe--"




Chapter 6

Down to business. Boomslang explained that to get to The Devil Himself's fortress, we would have to cross a diabolical lava ocean, called the Sea of Balboa's Corpse's Legacy. The only way across was to take the luxury cruise liner Satanic. I thought that sounded great, but reservations were 666 hellclams a person. Both of us were broke, and Boomslang hadn't yet learned how to spontaneously generate hellclams, so we had to consider plan M. We had to get a job (AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The horror!). We applied for a job at McDevil's, which was built in celebration of Ronald McDonald's death. Looming over the clear toy display box was the emaciated corpse of Ronald McDonald, wearing the most gleeful (yet somewhat creepy) smile. He also had a cheesy moustashe painted on by an irreverent bum. The guilty bum and his concubine had just been fired from their burger-flipping and order-taking jobs for this act of betrayal. I simply raised my finger and the job was ours. Boomslang took the McCounter and I took the McGrill.

Our manager addressed us with a stirring speech and much gusto: "Remember, ladies, don't work too hard, I've got a tasty C rating from the "hell"th guy. I don't want a stinkin' B, ya hear? I've been hearin' that them B's ain't so great."

I quickly deduced that our manager wasn't the sharpest sword in the weapon's arsenal, but he sure knew how to give a speech!

Our first customer was an ugly old hag who demanded a McSalad. Boomslang informed her that she only had enough hellclams for a diet McCoke. She screeched in rage, believing that Boomslang had insulted her weight by suggesting the diet McCoke. The screech sounded like a thousand ungroomed fingernails scraping a chalkboard. I would've died had I not already been dead. She swore that she would sue the establishment. We were fired.

We roamed the town until we saw another job opportunity: Taco Hell. The "hell"th rating was a D (which I think stands for "dirty", or maybe "devil"). Anyway, it was easy to get a job. The last 2 counter workers and taco flippers barfed on the "Hellpedro's Nacho Burrito Enchilada Combo Supreme". I was burdened with the duty of giving birth to a Quesadiablo. I was about to freak out over my monumental task, but then I looked upon the image of a charismatic Clay Aiken and hope sprung up within me. With great deliberation, I placed the moldy cheese on a moldy tortilla and added various moldy spices. I looked upon my........................Son.........................


Chapter 7

After many weary years of enslavement to the oppressive Taco Hell, we finally conjured up exactly 1332 hellclams. We quit working at Taco Hell and reserved space aboard the Satanic. The next day, we were off. All of the demonlings and she-devils waved goodbye to the departing demons. I could hardly hold back the tears.

"This is cool," said Boomslang. "We get a whole hellcabin to ourselves!"

"Indeed," I replied.

I went to the onboard hellbar to get drunk. Unfortunately, all of girls there were hideous, so only Boomslang (who was also hideous) was having a really good time. The beer tasted like the puss that comes out of a popped boil. Boomslang remarked that it was distilled puss from a popped boil. I vomited. The little dog barfed to see such fun and ate it all up with a spoon. Boomslang vomited on some jerk called Coachwhip, who's nose, instead of comming out of his lower forehead, started from his spine, went up his neck, over his scalp, and ended where any good nose should. It looked like a crest to me. He glared at Boomslang and said in a slimy voice: "Your mom."

Boomslang hissed in a fury and assaulted the jerk, who's nose, instead of coming out of his low--


The shockwave emanating from Boomslang diverted the Satanic off course. It went full speed ahead into a big misplaced rock and recieved a gaping hole. Lava began to spew in, and the demons screamed for help. Some demons were kind and let the demonlings and she-devils onto the undead-boats, while others were selfish, refusing to give up thier seats but were swarmed and sacked by packs of demonlings.

Boomslang picked me up and flew away.

"Why didn't we just do this before?" I demanded.

"Er--I forgot?"

I knew the scoundrel was lying and just wanted to ride the Satanic, which was now sinking into Balboa's Corpse's Legacy. We flew for a few more days before landing on The's island. Everything was so evil. I clutched the Clay Aiken CD in fear. Boomslang belched.


Chapter 8

Boomslang began to cry. I tried to comfort him, but at the same time try to find out why.

" my home," he answered.

I gasped. Then I said: "Oh, wait. I knew that."

"What are you going to do to me?" he wimpered. "Are you going to hurt me? Kill me? Simply because I was born in this horrible place?"

I replied, "Boomslang, you already told me you were from Hell."

"Oh So where were you born, little mortal?"

"I--I don't know. I never really thought about it."

"Didn't your parents tell you?"

"Wait--I have parents?"

"Why wouldn't you?"

"I don't know. I never really thought about that, either."


We decided to set up camp. We didn't need to make a fire, but Boomslang made one anyway. Then he ate it. Boomslang began to rant about his past.

"I was born in an egg. After I hatched out, I opened my eyes and looked upon the world for the first time. Everything was so beautiful. My.....parents.......Wom and Sheeba.........were so hideous........"

Boomslang began to cry again. I asked him why he was crying over his undead parents.

"Then............HE CAME!!!"

"Who's he?" I asked.

"The Devil Himself! He fell from that wonderful far away place.......Heaven........and he took my throne away from me! I was the chosen one! Me! I was supposed to rule Hell with an iron fist! They were going to remove my fist and replace it a shiny iron one to show my power! Oh, the glory! But The Devil Himself took it all away! He also made Hell a mockery of all it once stood for!"

"All it once stood for???" I asked. "Was Hell once a wonderful place?"

"Hell was once a dream.................within a dream................"

After Boomslang sat there dreamily for several minutes, I slapped him like a girl.

"Then The Devil Himself made it into a normal dream, than no dream at all! I roamed Hell in exile for many years, helping people in their wars, scavenging the countryside for hellclams, eating hellgrass, belching, and barfing. Then I built up the courage to slap The Himself like a girl, and then he banished me along with all of those scuppernongs! That's when I rescued your sorry rump. That's also why I dared you."

"Wow. Cool." These were my last words before I drifted off to sleep.


"Boomslang! Silence! I'm trying to go to sleep!"

"But we end every life step we make together with 'Cool.'"

"Whatever. Goodnight."


Chapter 9

I was running. Suddenly, I found myself in a dark room. There, in the middle of the room, on a huge hunk of gelatinous fudge, sat Charlie. He was eating scuppernongs...and liking it! And even worse, he had Shaleena chained to the fudge! I wanted to save her, but my feet wouldn't budge. And then -oh horror- Charlie opened Shaleena's mouth with his foot and started to forcefeed her a scuppernong! I tried to tear my eyes away, but I couldn't. The scuppernong got closer and closer and then...


I awoke from my nightmare. Boomslang sat there beside me, shivering with fear.

"It's bad enough being plagued by nightmares, but when you started moaning like that, it reminded me of... GRIMWALD SMITH!!!"

"Who's Grimwald Smith?"

"No, not Grimwald Smith. GRIMWALD SMITH!!! Grimwald Smith is a guy who lives in a dark forest and eats munchkins. GRIMWALD SMITH!!! is the ugliest pie merchant in the world. And when the full moon comes out, he starts screeching" Boomslang shuddered.


"So... what did you dream that caused you to moan like that?"

"It's too horrible to mention."

"I had a dream, too," Boomslang muttered. "They say that The Devil Himself causes anyone who comes to his island to have horrible nightmares."

I clutched my Clay Aiken CD in fear. "So, uh, what was your dr-

Suddenly, I was flung to the ground by a demon commando wearing armor and a hat made entirely of cow teeth. He swore he would avenge his fallen nemesis, whom he had killed himself, and pointed his gun at me. Before I could explain that that didn't make any sense whatsoever, Boomslang blasted him with his laser vision, knocking him into the Sea of Balboa's Corpse's Legacy.

Boomslang yowled, "Now is the time!" and rushed into the Devil's Fortress...


Chapter 10

I followed Boomslang into the fortress. As Boomslang ran forward, a hole that appeared bottomless opened up beneath him, but he hovered above it using his stupid dumb wings. Suddenly, a group of demons attacked us! One of them jumped at Boomslang, but he flew back to our side of the hole, and the demon fell into the hole, shrieking.

One of the demons said, "Hi, my name is Pr--"


The demons fled. Boomslang picked me up and flew me across the chasm. I thanked him so warmly that one of his horns caught alight. He took off the horn and put it in a pool of radioactive sludge. Suddenly, an effigy of an old man with glasses rose out of the pool. It blasted me with laser vision, but the skeleton torso protected me from harmful doom. Suddenly, the effigy exploded and was replaced by the head of Mundzuk the Hun.

The head said, "You have rescued me from The Pool of Commodus. You now may recieve one wish."

Boomslang replied, "We don't want to hear your lies, foe! Forsooth!" The head disappeared.

"Boomslang! Why did you do that?! We had a free wish! You are so lame! You--"


The shockwave launched me into the wall, knocking it down. On the other side of the wall were two doors. One was red, and the other was perriwinkle. Boomslang opened the perriwinkle door. Inside, there was fire everywhere. In the middle of the room sat The Devil Himself, looking very evil. However, we came in through the back of the room, so he didn't see us, and all we saw was the back of his head, which had horns. He was sitting on a very lofty throne. I sneaked up behind him and pushed him off his lofty throne! Victory! Shaleena was as good as mine! Charlie was as good as dead! We fled the scene before The Devil Himself retaliated. As we fled, I asked Boomslang how we could escape Hell. He grabbed me and flew off. We were on our way to escaping when suddenly we were confronted by several other demons with wings. Most of them had spears, but one had an array gun. He pulled the trigger, but the weapon self-destructed, hurling all the enemy demons to the ground. We kept flying, but it seemed Hell's sky had no end. Suddenly, we saw a bright light. A man with a halo descended from above.

"I am Jonny Angel", said the man angelically. "I help people who knock The Devil Himself off his lofty throne." He paused. "It's a rather boring job."

Scuppernong Rising:
Chapter 1

The one known as "The Slayer" stalked the dark hallway, waiting. Finally, his turn came. "The Devil Himself will see you now," announced a demon standing beside the door. The dark figure walked slowly into the room. Before him, he saw, as he had seen many times before, the fiery lair of the Lord of Darkness, his master.
"Ahh, Goober, I see that you are ready for your latest assignment. Two fools have defied me by pushing me off my...lofty throne. You will...kill them."

"Yes, my master", replied Goober.

"You will find them in the town of San Loozer, New Texaco."

"Yes, my master", replied Goober.

"You will receive a...substantial reward."

"Yes, my master", replied Goober.

"You will not fail me."

"Yes, my master", replied Goober.

"Stop saying 'Yes, my master'".

"Yes, my master", replied Goober.

Suddenly, Goober found himself in excruciating agony. The Devil Himself laughed in delight.

"Now GO!" The Devil Himself kicked Goober out of the room. When Goober recovered his senses, he realized that he was hungry. He decided to take his meal from the upper world, and at the same time spy on his new targets and see what he was up against. He walked out of The's fortress. A goblin ran up to him and started jumping up and down, while balancing a picture of Oprah on his head. Goober was filled with revulsion. He smacked the goblin on the kneecap, and the goblin fell to the ground, writhing in agony. The picture of Oprah was dashed to pieces, but Goober did not care. He sucked out the goblin's blood from it's arm until the arm was gone. The goblin fled. Now Goober the vampire was filled. For now...


Meanwhile, we had entered the world of the living. Yes! Now I could prove my love to the beautiful Shaleena! But Jonny said that we should go to the market first. Since Jonny wanted to travel incognito, he disguised himself as a lowly peasant with a chrome rake. Boomslang saw an ugly pair of jeans at the market. He said, "Jonny Angel, can we buy these jeans?" But I, Gong, said, "Boomslang, those are hideous and ugly and---"


I flew into a wall. Then Jonny Angel said, "Sure, Boomslang. You can buy those jeans. They look very snazzy."


Chapter 2

I was really mad at Boomslang, and refused to speak with him. He wore the jeans as a hat, which made me even more angry. But when I finally spotted Joe's Pub, my heart sang for joy. Unfortunately, my heart was not a very good singer, so I told it to be silent, lest I be destroyed by another of Boomslang's demonic blasts. As we were finally about to enter the pub, we were confronted by a cowboy. He had a nose that looked like a heap of kremin.

"The name's Jim, and this here's my sleazy pub, and I've decided that ya'll cain't cum in, on account of yur ugly friend", he said, gesturing at Boomslang. Suddenly, he lifted his two pistols into the air, started firing wildly, and yowled, "Yee, hah!"


Cowboy Jim went flying through the door, and ended up sprawled across the floor. We entered the pub. I looked around for Shaleena, but she was nowhere to be found. Suddenly, Jim leapt back up. "Ya'll be sorry for messin' with Cowboy Jim! I'm tellin' my ma on you!" With that, he fled the scene. Suddenly, Shaleena appeared, and my heart skipped a beat. It’s singing was already atrocious, so I really didn’t care. When Jonny Angel saw Shaleena, he looked somewhat sick, and fled the scene. He must have been pretty sick for Shaleena’s indisputable charm not to work on him and make him feel better.

“Oh beautiful Shaleena!”, I proclaimed. “I have gone and toppled The Devil Himself from his lofty throne. That’s pretty cool, isn’t it?”

Unfortunately, Shaleena didn’t have time to respond, because Cowboy Jim’s ugly hag of a mother appeared in the doorway, demanding blood. She said, “I demand blood!” Then she yelled, “Who beat up my Jimmypoo?!” I thought that that was a very bizarre name for a child, but as I was contemplating this anomaly, Charlie, in response to the Hag’s query, pointed to Boomslang. I whacked him in rage. His left foot fell off, but this time, he didn’t spew out cyan slime. How strange.

The mother of Cowboy Jim, or Jimmypoo, or--


A shockwave wracked the room. Unfortunately, the Hag was unaffected by the strength of the blast. Even worse, the blast sent Shaleena flying into a wall. As I was rushing to her aid, the Hag grabbed me by the back of my shirt, which was gray, and tossed me out the window. The shattered glass pierced my skin, but the pain wasn’t near as bad as the pain I felt for Shaleena. After all, hitting a wall might have damaged her perfect skin, or worse...

Meanwhile, the epic battle between Boomslang and the Hag continued. I was mad at them both, so I really didn’t care who won. I went back inside and watched. The Hag forcibly removed Boomslang’s stupid jeans that were on his head. Boomslang was enraged. He breathed a flame at the Hag, but she just ate it. Boomslang was getting desperate. He created an artificial clock out of the remains of a dartboard and used it as a shield. Suddenly, just as she was about to pound Boomslang to dust, she stopped, looked at the clock, and then said, “Oh, no! I’ve gotta go. I have a knitting convention to attend. I might be late! Bye, children!” With that, she exited by creating a new door using laser vision.


Chapter 3

After the epic battle, I was so mad at Boomslang for harming Shaleena that I forgot to help Shaleena. I started to rant at him, but he quickly exited the building.

Outside was sheer panic. A large mob of green people had gathered and were protesting. They were commonly known as The Green Party, or Greenies. They were listening to a speech by a raving madman named Gnaeus Llewellyn. As we entered the scene, I heard him say, “We must stop the Right-Left conspiracy! It has become quite obvious that the Blacks and the Whites have conspired together and created AIDS to kill off all the colored folk. Good people, like you and me! When I was a little baby, the government stole me from my hospital and conducted tests on me, just because of the color of my skin! We must rise up against this tyranny! Green power! We will--”


The Greenies went flying in all directions. Gnaeus looked at Boomslang, then screamed to his followers, “Capture the Infidel!” Boomslang and I fled. We were pursued, however, by the Greenies, who looked rather angry. We ran quickly, but our retreat was cut off by another group of Greenies, and we were captured. We were then brought to Gnaeus Llewellyn, who called Boomslang a freak.

“I will let you go”, he said, “If you first listen to me recite my poem.” We agreed. So began the epic poem of Gnaeus Llewellyn.

Carried by the tides,
Upon a foreign shore,
His might was unquenched,
And his boar was un-boar.

He came upon the Island,
Where once great Monkeys trod,
But when he asked them where they lived,
All he got was a nod.

He knew he had to get off the Island
To meet Informant Lee,
So he left the Monkeys where they sat,
And jumped into the Sea.


Chapter 4

After we had listened to Gnaeus Llewellyn's amazing, inspiring, and thoroughly awesome poem, he let us go. As we were walking we saw a horrible, terrible sight. In the shade of a run-down shack, a lone scuppernong plant was growing. It was so hideous, I backed away in fear. Then I saw...ANOTHER ONE! I screamed. Boomslang destroyed the abomination with laser vision, and I thanked him for his heroic deed. Just then, however, I saw yet another scuppernong plant, just popping out of the ground! And then another, and another... It was like living in a horror movie, but far worse. Boomslang destroyed some of them with laser vision, but more kept growing.

Suddenly, in the horror of this moment, I flashed back to a time in my youth...

I was prancing through a meadow with my old friend, Boron (he moved to Nuuk, Greenland soon after), when we beheld an amazing sight. Thousands of wild boars charged across the meadow, their tusks gleaming with brilliance, the sun reflecting across their bristled backsides, their hoofed feet beating the lowly ground into submission, the glory of their epic charge etched into my conscience forever...

When I finally left my reverie, I realized that we were in trouble. Scuppernongs were everywhere. It seemed as if all was lost, but then, suddenly, a beam of light shone down from the heavens, and the scuppernongs were annihilated. Jonny Angel appeared before us, shining like a polished mirror.

He proclaimed, “A fearsome assassin had been sent to destroy you. These horrible scuppernongs are his doing. You must find him and defeat him, or the town will be engulfed in scuppernongs! By hallowing this ground, I have provided you with a little more time. But you must hurry! Farewell!”

With that, he ascended into heaven. “Wait!”, I yelled. But he had already disappeared.
“Why doesn’t he help us? I mean, he’s the Angel who protects people who knock The Devil Himself off his lofty throne, right? How many other people--”




Chapter 5

After our near-death encounter, I warned Boomslang to stop saying, “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!”. After all, that was what had sent Shaleena flying into a wall.

“You know”, said Boomslang, “Roman Emperor Elagabalus is my hero.”

“But he was a freak!”, I protested.

“No, not that Elagabalus.”

I had thought that there was only one Roman Emperor called Elagabalus, and I told him this, but he said that I was sadly misinformed. I then told Boomslang that my hero is Dave the Barbarian.

“Why is he your hero?”, asked Boomslang incredulously.

“He’s so strong...”

“So am I!”, replied Boomslang, picking up a large rock.

“Well, you aren’t a barbarian.”

“Don’t you think we should find the assassin and save the town?”

“I guess...”

Suddenly, a gang of men passed by. They were so cool. Their leader was wearing sunglasses. That wasn’t so special, though, since they all had sunglasses. Addressing the leader, I said, “You’re cool.”

He replied, “You want to be in my gang? My name is Dot Com. This is Palaaadin", pointing to a small young man. “We come from Down Under”, he said, pointing to the ground directly beneath him. He had a strong New Yorker accent.

I said, “Sure.”

“Are you sure?”


“Are you sure you’re sure?”

“Kek yeah!”

“OK, then. Let’s go lurk around this one-horse town.”


Chapter 6

I soon found out the names of our new associates.

There was Dot Com, the leader. He was way cool, and emitted an aura of charisma. He wore a suit and tie, and carried a paintbrush in his pocket, with which he on occasion painted the faces of the other gang members.

Then there was Palaaadin, a short runt of a man, but possessing unquestionable loyalty.

The next member was Concrete Dinosaur, a giant of a man, who always carried a harpoon.

With Boomslang and me joining the gang, it made 4. No, 6. Oh yeah, 5. Obviously. I was never very good at math. With the gang, we walked round the city, looking cool. At 5:42 p.m., Dot Com decided we were sufficiently loyal and painted our faces. My face became a map of Sri Lanka, and Boomslang’s was transformed into a picturesque scene of tranquility, complete with Japanese warrior monks and pretty white unicorns.

“So, I talked to Senor Dimblethorn yesterday,“ said Concrete Dinosaur. “His collection of wooden trolls is pretty sweet.”

“Yeah”, agreed Palaaadin.

“Senor Dimblethorn is a good man”, concluded Concrete.

“I think Clay Aiken is pretty cool”, I offered. “I’m a Clay-Mate!”

“I thought you were obsessed with Dave the Barbarian now”, Boomslang said.

“No. He’s not that cool. He’s just my hero.” Now I noticed, for the first time, that Palaaadin’s face looked kind of like a monkey.

“Do you think we should go challenge the mysterious, evil, deadly assassin now?”

“I suppose we have no choice.”

“There’s always a choice”, said Concrete Dinosaur. “Trust me. I know.“ He then fell into a meditative state.

I told Boomslang that we should buy a dog, to help us track down the assassin.

“That’s silly”, he replied. “Don’t buy a dog, buy a pog! They’re much cheaper, and definitely more effective. They’re also more obedient.” So we told Dot Com of our intentions and went to the pet store.

When we got there, a rival gang was loitering outside. Charlie was in the gang. The sight of Charlie made me so mad, I charged him, screeching in rage. Our gang leaped into action. Dot Com beat one of the enemy gang members with his paintbrush, and the enemy gang scattered. We then entered and bought a pog, which we named Herbert.


Chapter 7

When I asked Dot Com to help us save the town, he agreed wholeheartedly. "No town, no fun", he said. So we looked for clues to the whereabouts of the mysterious assassin. The first place to look was Joe's Pub, naturally.

Inside the pub, mayhem abounded. Hans, Baldy, and Fishmonger were performing one of their lame skits, which reenacted the classic story of Little Red Riding Hood and the 7 Dwarfs (with an old German lumberjack who plays with toys). The strange thing was that one third of the crowd was pelting them with tomatoes, one third was cheering them on, and the rest were playing a stupid drinking game involving rum, lemons, and soiled diapers.

Suddenly, Boomslang leaped onto the ceiling and started yowling: “Look at me, everyone! I’m too cool!”

Everyone looked at Boomslang, except Baldy, who had tomato residue stuck in his eyes, and some drunk who lay on the floor, asleep. I told Boomslang that he was making a fool of himself and to come down from the ceiling. He refused.

Then Concrete Dinosaur came to the rescue. He threw his harpoon into the ceiling, creating a hole, which then turned into a portal to an alternate world. The portal sucked the stickiness off of the rest of the ceiling, and Boomslang plummeted to the ground. Then the portal closed. The bar patrons returned to their drinks (or tomatoes, or, in certain cases, their soiled diapers).

I advanced toward a certain bar patron who had fur on his tongue, and was petting it. I asked him if he knew if any mysterious assassins were in the area, but he replied in the negative. I then asked him if I could pet his tongue, and he said I could. It felt a little like a muskrat.

I then mustered up the nerve to approach Shaleena, who sat in a chair in one corner of the room.

“Uh, hi, uh, Shaleena”, I stammered.

“Your friend is like, a, like, weirdo”, she said.

I was stunned. Shaleena had talked to me! Actually...said...words. Wow. It was amazing. It was truly an unforgettable and quite memorable experience. I was so enamored, I forgot the world, except for Shaleena’s beautiful face.

“Why are you, like, standing there, like a, like, sheep, like.”

This was the first time anybody had ever compared me to a sheep. I was rather sheepish, I admit. Now I was sure that Shaleena loved me. The world was, for me, a better place.


Chapter 8

I asked Shaleena if she had seen a mysterious assassin any time recently.

“I like, don’t, like, think so, like”, said Shaleena with much grace. Suddenly Boomslang walked up to me and said, “Why don’t you ask her out?”, loudly enough that Shaleena heard perfectly. I was so embarrassed that I fled out the door, away from my shame and humiliation. As soon as I got outside, however, a rising scuppernong plant grabbed my foot and pulled me underground.

The next thing I knew, I was in a dark cavern. I heard an evil laugh echoing around me. A candle was lit, and I beheld the face of an evil man. “I am no man; I am a VAMPIRE!!!”, he cackled. “I would eat you now, but I also want to capture your little devilish friend.” I wondered who this “devilish friend” was, but as I contemplated this, the vampire said, “Behold!” He held up a mirror, in which I saw Boomslang walking out of Joe’s Pub with the rest of Dot Com’s gang. “I can see wherever your little friend walks, and send my goons to capture him! Muhahahaha!!! And then I can eat you both!”

By now, the vampire was getting very annoying, so I told him to be quiet. In response, the vampire chained me to the wall. “My name is Goober!”, he proclaimed. “Remember it!”

I watched the mirror with apprehension. I beheld Boomslang, Dot Com, Concrete Dinosaur, and Palaaadin, noble as Arabian Stallions, gaudy and imposing; in their prime. I watched in horror as one of Goober’s goons, a fiend named Imhotep, knelt beside a fern, pulling back a bowstring. Just as the arrow flew toward Boomslang with deadly accuracy, Boomslang performed an epic backflip! The arrow whizzed by harmlessly. Dot Com and the gang leapt into action. Imhotep, however, vanished into the ground. Then he fell from the ceiling of the cavern, landing skillfully on his feet in front of Goober. By the look in Imhotep’s eyes, I identified him as a bigot.

“Imhotep, surely you know the price of failure”, said Goober menacingly. Fear entered into Imhotep’s eyes. I braced for the inevitable. “The price is...3 dollars. And 30 cents. You now owe me $3.30.”

“No! That’s too much!”, moaned Imhotep. “I was going to buy popcorn with that money! Have mercy!”

Goober released another evil laugh. “I am EVIL! I don’t know the word mercy! Now pay up!”

Slowly, agonizingly, Imhotep reached his hand into his pocket, pulled out a wallet, and fished in it for the money, which he then reluctantly handed to Goober.

“HA HA HA HA HA!!!”, laughed Goober. “My evil is unmatched!”

Just then, the wall burst open, and there stood my saviors: Dot Com, Boomslang, and the gang. The pog, however, was nowhere to be seen.

Goober was stunned. “What, how did you get here so fast? No matter. We will...FIGHT!”


Chapter 9

Goober the vampire screeched, "Imhotep, don’t just stand there! Destroy them!”

Imhotep leaped into action. He launched a flying kick at Palaaadin, sending him flying into a wall. Suddenly, the floor collapsed. The scene changed drastically. Below us stretch a lake of lava. We were all standing or sitting on a pillar of earth. There were several other pillars of earth, however, one of which Goober leaped onto. He accomplished this feat by stretching out his arms, his cloak forming into two bat-like wings, which he used to glide over to the pillar.

“Come and get me, fools!”, he screamed. Boomslang flew after him, but Goober pulled out an AT4 rocket launcher and launched a rocket at Boomslang, which he only just avoided. Boomslang landed on the pillar, and both Goober and Boomslang pulled out their lightsabers. As they dueled, I watched in amazement as Palaaadin and Imhotep wrestled each other right on the brink of the pillar. Suddenly, there was a ‘crack!’, and the edge of the pillar collapsed, sending Palaaadin and Imhotep plummeting towards the lava! Just as it looked as if all was lost for them, they landed on a floating piece of rock.

As I was looking at their fierce battle, I was assaulted from behind by another of Goober’s goons. This fiend was very ugly, and had a screwdriver growing out of his forearm. He poked me with it. This act made me very angry, and his smug little grin made me even more enraged. I punched him in the face, and he suddenly blasted off toward Concrete Dinosaur, using the mini-jets built into his boots to propel him forward. Concrete wasn’t caught off guard, however. He lifted his harpoon in a defensive gesture, stabbed the fiend with it, and flung him towards the lava. The fiend must have had a great many life points, however, because he merely used a double jump and landed on another pillar.

I gazed back at the epic battle between Goober and Boomslang. Even from this distance, I heard their words, lifted up in the heat of battle, as their lightsabers flashed back and forth, mesmerizing.
“You fight...very...uh...badly!”, taunted Boomslang, as he blocked a swipe to the legs.

“You shame your father”, retorted Goober. “He fought bravely to the end, I’ll admit it, but he tasted oh so good.”

Boomslang suddenly stopped fighting. He stepped back, and asked incredulously, “You killed and ate my father!?!?”. He looked smitten.

But Goober replied, “No, of course not. Psych!” He lifted his lightsaber to strike. Time slowed down. Without thinking, I threw the small object I was clutching, sending it flying into the edge of the pillar where Goober stood. Goober fell backward, off the edge. As he fell, he straightened into a pencil dive, and vanished into the lava. And I watched as my Clay Aiken CD, my most valued possession, vanished into the unforgiving lava.

We had won, but at the highest cost.


Chapter 10

It wasn't as bad as I feared, because afterwards Boomslang bought me a brand-new Clay Aiken CD. In fact, the new CD was even better than the old one! We also find Herbert the pog hiding in a hole that was full of icky gook and 3 dead mice.

To celebrate our victory, we went to Joe’s Pub. It was especially sleazy that day, but I didn’t mind because Shaleena was there. Unfortunately, Charlie was also there. To show my defiance and impress Shaleena, I challenged him to a duel.

“The winner gets Shaleena’s hand in marriage!”, I announced.

But Charlie said, “Dude, Shaleena’s ugly. Why would I even want to fight over her?”

This statement made me so mad, I roared. Then Shaleena approached. finally, she would realize that I loved her enough to fight for her. Finally, I would have respect! I would have fame! I would have glory! I would have blueberry muffins!

Shaleena said, “You can’t just, like, offer me up as a, like, prize, like. You didn’t even, like, have the, like, decency to, like, ask me, like, first, like.” And she walked out of the pub. I sat down and wept. Baldy laughed. And Boomslang just said...


Submitted: November 17, 2009

© Copyright 2022 danielkorycki49. All rights reserved.


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I'm really not sure how edited this version is... I think I might have a better one on another computer, but oh well.

Tue, November 17th, 2009 4:28am

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