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Comments: 9

Chapter 2 – Thunder Road

“You hear their engines roaring on
But when you get to the porch they're gone
On the wind, so Mary climb in
It's a town full of losers
And I'm pulling out of here to win.”

This moment is all so confusing. A man in a suit with the name Cliff Hanger? Living arrangements? Chapters? What is he talking about?

“Are you done breaking down the barrier between fiction and real life Cliff Hanger? Seriously, it’s starting to get annoying.”

He steps back, as though he’s briefly stunned by these accusations. What a maroon! “What are you talking about? My name’s Phillip Drescher. I’m here to talk about your mother.”

Lolwut? “But….you just….4th wall….mwahaha?”

“Has your mother been giving you alcohol? I’m going to have to write this down.” And thus, he writes this down.

This makes no sense. Am I imagining things? Was there something bad in the taquito meat? It was 7-11 after all. It can’t be drugs or alcohol as I’m as straight edge as it gets without being an actual straight edge kid. Those guys annoy the hell out of me with their br00tal music and xXx tattoos. Plus, they always shove it in people’s faces as if they are holier than though. I’d almost do drugs just to piss them off. Maybe just give ‘em the old knuckle sandwich. Not a good idea though. A lot of straight edge dudes are scary as hell. Plus as Whitney Houston says, ‘Crack is whack’.

Ol’ Philly here is standing here, arms akimbo as if he hears the inner monologue in my head and is getting mighty bored of it. Maybe he just thinks I’m crazy. He’s the one who’s crazy. It’s driving me crazy. They’ll stick me in an institution. Say it’s the only solution to give me the needed professional help to protect me from the enemy, myself. Oh God, I hope he can’t really read my mind. He’d have every right to think I’m insane.

“What are you chuckling about? This is serious business,” Oops, guess that was aloud. “We’ve got many calls from concerned neighbors telling us that you aren’t safe at this home. After talking to you mother I have to say I agree. She’s kind of a mess.” No. Way. And understatement of the year goes to (drum roll please) PHILLIP DRESCHER. Tell him what he’s won Jared! You’ve just won A NEW CAR!!!! Really? Haha no, only a sarcastic inner monologue from a mentally unwell teenager. Just what he’s always wanted.

“So I’m going to live with someone else in Hanna?”

“Well, no.”

“Southern Alberta?”

“I’m afraid not.”

“Am I even living in Alberta?” This is getting pretty damn ridiculous. I better not be moving to Saskatchewan. Dark things will happen if I’m moving to Saskatchewan.

“I’m afraid the only foster family that can take you is the Dorchesters, a family from Vancouver.” He says it like this should be the saddest moment of my life and braces for the tears. Little does he know, I haven’t cried since Lost was announced to be ending. Don’t you laugh! If you were a fan, you’d understand. Does this make me a lame person? Yes? Okay. Still, yay for Vancouver and less drunk mother! Wait, is my new family named after a melon?

“I know this is hard but ….WHERE ARE YOU GOING?” Where does he think I’m going? To pack of course!!

Diane is waiting inside and she looks like a post-Kurdt Courtney Love (read: a bigger train wreck then she already is). She has cheap beer on her breath and she’s slurring up a storm. I’m not sure if it’s possible to translate her but I’ll give it the old college try.

“Brfmarbomabukak,” Barf marble my bukake? “Blawetvadoradorpla!!!” Bella wets Vader don’t reply? She’s a hot mess though I can’t say I’m falling for her. Good thing too because she’s my alcoholic mother and I hate that song. Fuck new Cobra. As I watch her drunken waltz across the living room, I realize that this would probably be the last time I see my mother for quite some time. What a horrible good-bye.

I turned around to say something to her but she’s on her ass. “Mom, you need to quit drinking. Oh, and by the way, I’m moving to Vancouver with my foster family and they’re probably really nice and kind and have no intense drinking problem. I wish I could say this was fun but you know I’d be lying.” Wow, that was more acidic then I had anticipated.

Suddenly Diane rises up, nearly levitating like that possessed girl form The Exorcist. Leave it to Diane to extend an already cold farewell. Woman could write soap operas with the amount of drama she generates. It doesn’t just follow her, it rides on her back.

“They can’t take you away from me. You’re mine…..” She’s out like Holyfield.

“They can and they will. Good bye Diane.” And with that snarkily delivered phrase, I proceed to my room, packing everything that is mine (and some things of Diane’s. She owes me for emotional damages). Books, CDs, video games, clothes, my guitar and amp (!), it’s all gone. In one hour, I manage to cram every last reminder to Diane of me into 4 suitcases and a duffle bag. I spare no expense, even going so far as to grab Diane’s signed Neil Diamond and Sammy Hagar records (Sweet Caroline, bah bah bah, good times never seemed so good. And believe me when I say I can’t drive 55).

“Is that all?” Phil gapes both incredulously and sarcastically, as if he’s never seen a 15 year old hauling the type of luggage only seen by a Hollywood socialite. Wait, you say that it’s very uncommon for a boy of my age to do so and that he most definitely hasn’t seen that ever? Well………..bobs your uncle. Yeah, you heard me. Wait, that doesn’t mean something extremely offensive? Damn.

“Your humorless inner-dialogue offends me. Now let’s get the hell out of here. If the main storyline doesn’t start by the 3rd chapter, people won’t care anymore and that would be bad.” I’m so confused. Phil keeps on saying all this weird stuff that makes no sense, like I’m in a movie or book or something *looks directly at camera*. I’m not going to say anything though. He already thinks I’m crazy enough and maybe I’m just hearing things. Or maybe this is some weird Candid Camera thing. Didn’t Punk’D end years ago?

Anyways, it’s time to go to Vancouver. It seems like everything went by like a blur, like every moment was totally indistinguishable from each other due to a quick pace, lack of detail and poor description. I mean, Vancouver’s going to be the exciting part so it makes sense. Hanna, Alberta just isn’t worth getting all worked up about and neither is this brief but eventful day in the life of one Jared Fallon. Vancouver’s going to be soooo much better in every single way.

I load my copious amount of gear into the back of his SUV, gasping for breath as I finally realize I may have packed way to much shit. Like seriously, I feel like I’m hauling an average family at the Old Country Buffet (if you’ve been there then you understand what I’m getting at). Bleh, I don’t even know why I’m doting on things happening in my past life. Time for new life. To infinity and beyond!

AND NOW IT’S TIME FOR THE TRAVEL JOURNAL OF JARED FALLON (cause he’s too damn lazy to actually go into details of his boring ass drive to Vancouver)

3:30 pm – Getting the hell out of Hanna. Thank God I’m out of the town that bore Nickelback. Wait, Vancouver is where they call home now. Shit.

4:00 pm – OMG DINOSAWWWRRSSS!!!!! Already at Drumheller. Damn Phil drives fast. He has yet to mutter anything vaguely 4th wall breaking or just plain bizarre. Weird.

4:15 pm – Never mind. He’s going on about how lazy this form of writing is. Truly insane.

5:00 pm – Bow howdy, Calgary ho! Yee haw, makes me wanna rustle up some cattle, grill up some steaks and go watch the Calgary Flames fail to live up to their potential yet once again. Wait, did I say that out loud? Phil is looking at me with murder in his eyes. Must be a vegetarian.

5:12 pm – I realize that my iPod is in my suitcase. Not a huge problem normally except for the fact that Phil likes listening to whatever Top 40 station he can pick up. Not a huge problem either except for the fact that he’s a car singer/dancer AND HE SUCKS!!! Next time he starts singing whatever Justin Beiber comes on, I’m jumping out of this damn vehicle and going back to Diane. A 40-year-old man who looks kind of like David Caruso singing and dancing to ‘Baby’ is definitely one of the most horrifying images I’ll never get out of my head ever.

5:49 pm – We’re in the mountains in Banff and I have to say, I’ve never been here before but it is so beautiful. The town is very quant, kind of like a ski village but bigger and the mountain air is so nice. No food though because Phil is a food Nazi and says there’s no place in Banff worth eating at. I tell him we’re just passing the Old Spaghetti Factory but he says he ate there just yesterday. Douche.

6:12 pm – Phil all of a sudden doesn’t care about what food we eat because in his own words he’s “so hungry he could ride a horse, butcher it, then make some delicious horse burgers with sweet potato fries, garlic aioli and some nice crusty rolls”. So now we’re sitting down in some god forsaken town eating at a place called the Maximum Café (or ‘the Max’ as locals call it). The food isn’t even really that good at all and there’s no unlimited bread like at the OSF which is an epic fail. I see this Micheal Cera-looking kid wearing some ratty hat, baggy jeans and an aviator jacket and I freeze for a moment. What’s his life like. Does he have anything crazy going down, a drunk mother or maybe a retarded love triangle? Yeah, I bet it’s the second one. He looks like Micheal Cera so it has to be some romantic comedy type shit. It just makes sense.

6:20 pm – So apparently we’re in BC now. Kind of anti-climatic. The mountains in BC look exactly like the mountains in Alberta. Huge bummer.

7:25 pm – So we’re in Glacier National Park. False advertising. There are barely any glaciers in this ‘Glacier’ National Park. Phil says it’s because of global warming. Damn you GOOOORRREEE!!!

7:58 pm – Are you stoked? Why you ask? Cause we’re in Revelstoke (haha, bad joke). We needed the stop cause we’re basically out of gas. The town is nicely put together with stone streets and a jazz band playing in a gazebo downtown. This girl sitting at a restaurant on the patio winks at me. She’s about an 8.5. I think I’ll just stay here. Unfortunately we have to go because apparently there’s this foster family named after a melon who’s going to take care of me. That’s ok, the public washrooms here aren’t very clean anyways and I’m a stickler for that sort of thing.

9:20 pm – So, apparently there’s like 8 hours left of driving. That’s stupidly crazy in a dumb sort of way. I know I was hoping for No Sleep Til Vancouver but that just ain’t happening. Fallon out.

10:00 pm to 4:35 am – ZZZZZZZZZ…. Sniff… no I will NOT drink your blue gorilla juice…..not the bees! AAHHH they’re stinging my face! AHHH…ZZZZZZZZZ….. (He’s sleeping. He’s not awake.)

4:45 am – I wake up in the morning feeling kinda shitty. There’s a crink up in my neck and Phil is blasting some Fiddy. I cannot brush my goddam teeth cause the brush is out back. But now that I’m outta Hanna I ain’t comin’ back.

5:00 am – Apparently Phil hasn’t fell asleep since we started this road trip. I think he’s half man, half amazing or something like that. I’m kind of scared that he might dose off accidently though. I can’t drive so we’d be screwed.

5:30 am – We’re an hour out of Vancouver and he decides he needs some shut-eye. I take it back, Phil is NOT half man, half amazing. He sucks so much in the suckiest way. If he were a town, he’d be Sucksville. If he were a cleaning utensil, he’d be a vacuum. If he were a woman, he’d be a prostitute. That’s how much he sucks. I’m not gonna post any more until we’re in Vancouver.

12:25 pm – We’re in Vancouver :D. Well, Burnaby technically as that’s where they live but it’s basically Vancouver. Vancouver is basically every town in the radius that the main city swallows up. Vancouver is kind of like Kirby except not cute and pink. And it doesn’t get power from those it swallows, only population.

12:45 pm – Traffic is a douchebag. The worst kind too. Traffic wears Abercrombie with the collar popped, listens to 3!OH!3 because it can relate to the lyrics and has perfectly gel-tipped hair (asphalt). I want to punch traffic in its non-existent face.

1:22 pm – Last log of the road trip We’re pulling to the house. It’s very nice and big, if unspectacular. Imagine every modern house ever made except bigger. Sure as hell beats the trailer I lived in though. The area is nice, lots of trees and green space. I have no clue if the trip is going to be worth it but I sure as hell hope so. I think I’ll miss Phil, no matter how much he sucks. I’ll even miss his bad singing and his odd, off color comments about paragraphs and dialogue. This is it. Good bye small town life and hello city kid living!


Submitted: June 25, 2010

© Copyright 2023 DeathOrGlory. All rights reserved.

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Comments

Fir3Fly

Lol still funny as ever. 'Crack is whack' lmao and those side comments about dialogue really makes this unique. Update me?

Fri, June 25th, 2010 5:02pm

Author
Reply

Thanks a lot. There will be more of that in the future. I'll update you sometime in the next few months because thats how long it's probably gonna take to write a new one :P

Fri, June 25th, 2010 10:07am

swimFire

ahaha still good :] Don't take so long to update this time!! :p

Sat, June 26th, 2010 8:20am

Author
Reply

i'll try. i'm pretty busy so it may take a while. hopefully not 2 months though :)

Sat, June 26th, 2010 1:04pm

Sparkes

Oh I hope it doesn't take you that long to update - the humor in this is making my day. :)

I just realized that one of your tags is pomegranates. Does that fruit tie into the storyline somehow, or did you just throw it in there because you like pomegranates? Haha, either way, that made me laugh... again. :D

Tell me when you do post more, though.

Sun, June 27th, 2010 3:36pm

Author
Reply

I like pomegranates. They're a very interesting fruit. I'll update soon-ish I hope. Trust me when I say there's an actual plot brewing (albeit a rather week one).

Sun, June 27th, 2010 2:32pm

LostinLoveForever

Amazing as always Joel!! (I like Pomegranates too)
Imma miss Phil as well!
Very Unique and I like the side Dialog too!

Mon, June 28th, 2010 1:26am

Author
Reply

Phil may show up again. You never know. That guy is crazy. The side dialog thing is a staple of this too. I'm never gonna give it up! Never gonna let you down! Lol, thank you.

Sun, June 27th, 2010 6:38pm

SecretValentine

Traffic does wear Abercrombie, and if I stopped an hour outside of town, I think I'd walk.
But swweeettt chapter. I like the sort of personal writing and all that jazz. It's different and funny and probably likes rhinos, because rhinos are amazing ;D
Update soon C:

Tue, June 29th, 2010 1:40am

Author
Reply

Remember, this is an hour driving Phil's speed. Besides, Fallon is too lazy to bother walking. Tis why he wrote journal style remember? Will update you as soon as I know what the heck I'm gonna write about.

Tue, June 29th, 2010 7:45am

bookworm4470

YOU ARE MY HERO! I now feel silly writing... will it stop me however? NO! my horrific writing will still grace the people stupid enough to read it. I love this though, it is really good

Wed, June 30th, 2010 8:19pm

Author
Reply

haha, ok then. thank you? i dont want to stop you from writing. thats not cool. im glad you enjoy this though.

Thu, July 1st, 2010 5:28am

LostinLoveForever

Its been almost two months Joel!! What happened to not taking as long to write chapter 3???

Wed, August 11th, 2010 10:29pm

Author
Reply

i have almost no computer access. that's why.

Mon, August 16th, 2010 5:48am

driger98

GAH! Why did I not read this sooner!? That was the biggest shout out to another book I've ever seen... AND IT WAS MINE! Thanks man!

Tue, August 24th, 2010 11:40am

Author
Reply

It's a bout time. Yes I know it was huge. I thought it would be fun to do. Now I just need to write another chappy..

Sat, September 4th, 2010 1:37pm

Hyde

I love it xD It's funny, haven't read anything like this in a while. Keep me updated :D

Mon, August 1st, 2011 1:20am

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