Chapter Four: The session with the regression
“what’s so good about it?”, growled Tilda, “ I haven’t got my wings or my wand and if I had there would be gums of GOLD in here and a lot of you minus a few teeth”, she grumbled half to herself as no-one else was listening.
Buleria was in the corner trying to put together a plastic chair as she had broken out into a rash overnight after the contact with the wooden chairs that everyone else sat on. Wanda wearing a sparkly purple cloak went to her aid.
“Allow me young Miss”, he grinned. “That’s very kind of you, you, you, Chooooooooo”, she finished as she sneezed into his face covering his sparkly cloak with sparkly snot! He was wearing a wooden sword on a string round his neck and this had set her off. She smiled meekly and mouthed a silent “sorry”, as he slinked back to his chair with Wizelda’s grinning face to contend with.
Legune wandered around between them ladling porridge into their respective bowls. Peter, Jafal and Maggot all looked at their plates dubiously, while Claudine announced “ Porridge?, what do I look like bloody goldilocks here?, Filthy muck in a bowl, I know the bears they hated that blonde bimbo, and she didn’t just lie in their beds.. TART! ... It is sweet with honey and a sprinkling of sugar, she added to cover up the demon which was taking over her life but, as everyone was still chuckling over Wanda covered in snot; no one seemed to hear much to her relief.
“Bow to the Lord of Memnix”, boomed Lord Zord as he entered the room. Maggot having remembered the incidents of last night cowered when he saw him. Everyone just continued eating their food and nobody looked up. He waited about two minutes and seeing that he was getting no respect withdrew his sword. He held it high in the air and there was a loud crack. He swung the blade to the table and everyone bust out laughing. He was holding a long cucumber and count Voracio was scrambling over everyone’s to get to it slobbering. Lord Zord looked around to see where the noise had come from as Wizelda quietly slipped her wand back under her cloak. She had retrieved it first thing from Dr Wilkes with the promise that her and Wanda would keep away from each other. For the first time, Dr Wilkes did not reprimand her but forced Zord to hand over the Cucumber to Voracio who was dribbling at the mouth liked a crazed lunatic for the green bounty! Dr Wilkes did assure him another sword could be provided at a later date.
“I simply LOVE a bit of hot porridge in the morning- very good before I do my goga” chirped Gregory, who was stretching in the doorway dressed in a pink fur trimmed tank top and purple lycra shorts! Every one of the assembled company had suddenly stopped their buzz of chatter and fallen silence in apparent shock and disdain.
Wizela had been shovelling the porridge into her mouth and now looked up for the first time. “ What the hell is GOGA?”, she cackled, “Wouldn’t you rather be a spokesperson for going GAGA, not that you haven’t already”, she laughed. There was a nervous ripple of laughter from the assembled guests which lasted about 2 seconds. Gregory stopped with his leg over his head, put it down slowly pirouetted and faced Wizelda. Her eyes narrowed and she was glad she had her wand, she may have promised Dr Wilkes no spells on Wanda but this was a whole other person, she would turn him into a trampoline and bounce on his face all day with no socks on!
“Its called GOGA, it stands for Get Off-ya Ghoulish Ass - it’s a programme to tighten and firm your buns and thighs, not something a pot bellied pig of an excuse for a waste of green blood and cells could understand”, he started off softly and found his voice had risen until he was as near to shouting as his tender ears could stand.
Wizelda didn’t blink. She wasn’t going to have her wand confiscated as she had gotten away with using it once this morning.. no she would humiliate “it” now and bide her time. She pushed her chair out, casually strolled over to Gregory as if to check out his “buns of steel” and gave him a wedgie. He squealed like a little girl in such a high pitch that Peter started howling and jafal started to unravel his bandages as he rocked back and forth whimpering for his Daddy..
“Enough”, the Dr bellowed. “Move, all of you to the treatment room”, he was using his no nonsense voice again so they scraped their bowls clean and moved silently towards the “Treatment Room”. He watched them all go and shaking his head his prediction of complete success was rapidly falling from 100% to below 80%.
The Treatment Room was a large hall with armchairs arranged for the patients (and a plastic chair for buleria) but with a high-backed wooden throne in the middle of the room, hooked up to a large panel of switches and wires. They looked at this with curiosity and dread.
“Welcome one and all to the treatment room”, began Dr Wilkes, “today I shall be using the most innovative technology and taking someone on a journey of discovery and re-discovery.”
Maggot raised his claw high in the air and bounced up and down as if he wanted to ask a question.
“Yes Maggot”, the Dr snapped, infuriated at being interrupted in the wake of his latest venture which was, he agreed with himself, solely for THEIR benefit.
“ Journey, GO… will monsters be there?”, he finished nervously looking around him. Wizelda had one hand on her wand under her cloak and was going through an A-Z of spells to turn all the rooms’ inhabitants into monsters. She was laughing to herself softly when she was plucked up out of the assembled crowd, made to sit on the throne and her wand was confiscated yet again! She wasn’t a happy witch and witched about everyone under her breath.
Legune clopped around her fastening her into the wooden apparatus and Dr Wilkes had donned a white coat and was unfurling a scroll. Everyone leaned forward in their chairs all eyes intently on the strugglingwitch who was using some very colourful language to be let out of the restraints, so colourful that a rainbow would not be out of place!
“Now”, the Dr continued, “as we can all see, Wizelda is firmly fastened in the “ Regress transportal “ so flick the switches Legune and we will take her back.. back to see what has caused the madness that keeps her using her wand instead of her brain”, he finished.
All of a sudden there was a loud Whirr and a buzzing noise and Wizelda was lifted out of the chair and back into it. When she landed with a little bump he placed a large metal bowl on her head and the ends of her hair started to frizz and smoke. She was bellowing spells franticly and her wand was jumping up and down in the doctor’s briefcase, trying to get to its mistress. A blinding flash of blue light lit her face up and made her look like an angry smurf. When the light cleared Wizelda was sitting on the throne with an inane grin plastered all over her face.
The others oohed and ahhhed much to the delight of the Dr, he could see this experiment being successful and was already putting together the patent on his invention in his head. The regress transportal had originally been designed to massage his aching back after a long day of treating patients, but he had discovered by accident the real power it had held because of his faithful assistant Legune.
One day Legune wanted to try it out in the Dr’s absence and sat into the chair and fiddled with the many switches. It was one of the days that the Dr had been out having lunch with one of the many nurses who fancied a swivel in his chair- so to speak! Legune was bouncing around with sparks emanating from his hooves as the Dr had entered the room. The Dr ran to switch off the machine and try and rouse the dazed but happy looking legune. He looked up at the Dr and smiled. Then he slid off the chair and onto the floor where he proceeded to build a large fort out of the many notepads and pens that had been on the desk. The Dr looked at him curiously and asked him what he was doing. Legune replied in his best baby voice, “me is making house for me to play with, my mammy is waiting outside and we are going for I scream… leggy LOVES I scream”.
The Dr Circled him and planting himself firmly in front of the now giggling centaur asked very softly, “are you not a little too old for Ice-cream?”. “Leggy” turned his petulant face to him and his lip slowly protruded. “I is 4, and if wants it I can has it, that’s what my mummy says anywayhow”, he finished rather sulkily. With one swift sweep of his hand his notepad castle went flying into the air. Dr Wilkes started to grin as the realisation Legune was after transgressing back to his child, er- Foal-hood -and the apparent cause was his back-unbuster machine! He would change the name straight away and include this in his treatment of his patients, first though he had to get Legune back into the chair and back to himself. He leaned down and whispered in his ear, “last one in the chair gets no icecream” Legune sprang back into the chair and the Dr Strapped him in. He went to the panel and fiddled with a couple of switches and held his nose as the smell of singeing horse-hair is rather unpleasant, and waited for the smoke to clear.
Legune was sitting bold upright in the chair and looking as confused as before. “I am sorry Dr Wilkes”, he began, “I just wanted to test the machine and see if it worked”, he finished rather sheepishly.
“It is fine dear boy, er..horse..er...dear .. fine, no bother and now I know it works”, the Dr cried. He could not usher Legune out of the room quick enough and rubbed his hands together so hard with glee, that he had to call Legune back in again to get him some moisturiser for his chapped hands!
“Wizelda... can you hear me?”, the Dr offered from across the room. Wizelda sat up and glared at him. Then the glare became something more terrifying than anyone could have ever imagined.... a smile. Wizelda nodded at him and hummed a little tune softly to herself. The gathered guests were on the edge of their seats with anticipation, some just had bad balance.
“Oh, if he regresses me he better redress me too!”, Gregory hissed but nobody moved or took their eyes off the chair and the humming smiling witch.
“Wizelda, how old are you?”, Dr Wilkes asked. Wizelda strapped in still looked up to the left, stuck her tongue out as if she was counting. “I am only a little witch, 198 and three halfs”, she skitted and kicked her legs playfully. “And mummy told me if I am good that we can go shopping for a new black cloak, cos my old black one is not black anymore...or even a cloak tee hee, I cast a spell on it and turned it into a cooker”, she finished with another little giggle. “Why did you turn it into a cooker”, the Dr asked. All the guests were curious to know and Buleria leaned so far forward she tumbled off her chair and rolled under the cabinet, causing a fit of sneezing. Wizelda giggled at this sight and Dr Wilkes ushered her back to her chair tut tutting at her.
“I turned it into a cooker by mistake, it was meant to be a book to read but I wanted a nice snack to eat while reading”, Wizelda said matter of factly. A chortle of laughter went round the room as they warmed to the little Wizelda sitting in the seat. More than one of them began to wonder how the warm, funny young witch before them had turned into the cantankerous woman they had been sharing with.
“Wizelda, do you like toads?”, the Dr asked softly. The young witch rolled her eyes and scrunched up her face. “OOOH toads is my favourite things”, she replied. “I like to count them on my fingers and toads hahah” she quipped. Lord Zord was shifting in his seat, looking like he was about ot interrupt the session and Dr Wilkes could see this out of the corner of his eye, he felt he should wrap this session up as he was sure the guests would have more questions now than ever!
“ OK Legune, throw the reversal switch”, he bellowed and Legune obliged. Blue sparks and smoke later and Wizelda was peering at him and snarling to get out of the chair.
“Hey”, Claudine began to Buleria, “If they regress you, you would be back to a SAP, not that you ever left that state”. Buleria just nodded and said nothing.
“Me next oh please please please, cried Gregory jumping up and down in his seat. The Dr advised the guests that there would be elderberry tea and sandwiches in the garden for all and the regression session had ended for the day. “You mean the chair that did nothing”, Wizelda cackled, “why don’t you get in WONDER, and I plug you in and spark your memory about robbing my cloak” she bellowed across the room at Wanda, who was shuffling quietly to the garden. The Dr glared at her as she filed out cackling to herself. Just what had happened to the lovely little witch in that chair to make her so nasty, Dr Wilkes thought. He was determined to find out, and also not to let Gregory into the chair! Things were hotting up, and not just the burning wisps of hair at the back of Wizeldas head which he could still smell.
THE BOOK OF TRUTH;
Day Two; Gregory Speaking;
Hello, hello is this thing on? Hello... anyway, I just wanted to say what a simply FABULOUS place this is, I know I make it even more fabulous!
That chair things today was like.. wow. I would love to go back and see what I was like as ghoulchild.. oh but not to the day that I was caught in the princess castle in the wardrobe.. in her gown and crown.. that was a little too close for comfort.. the dress I mean not the situation! Size zero my ghoulish ass!
Oh I think there are some wonderful...er things here. I like the witch, a bit nasty mouthed but her heart is in the right place... in her chest behind those awful drab cloaks, I mean they don't even match her shoes... her shoes don't even match! Not liking her style.. just saying!
I like the Claudine, I think the demon inside her is really the projection of her own self into the world of how she sees her self and everything in it... I heard those words of wisdom once once on my favourite chat show... "Spookra, thats the spirit!"
Anyway I am not sure if this is working but if it is I just want to say I am glad I remortgaged my cave and rented out my coffin to come on this trip.. I hope the trip doesn’’t lead to a fall!
Nighty nighty... I will be in my nighty...Gregory
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