Darker

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Mystery and Crime  |  House: Booksie Classic

A very short story through the eyes of a killer.

The cold, lifeless eyes stare up at me, and I sigh. I knew this would happen, it always did. No matter how much I tried to resist, no matter how much I struggled against the demons in my soul, it would always end in horror, always end in death.

The knife is heavy in my hand, its long, silver blade stained with the thick, red muck that pulsed through his veins. I take a white cloth from out of my pocket, and run it along the sharp, serrated edge, gently cleaning it of the filth. When my weapon is clear, when I can finally see my own pale, grinning face staring back at me, when I can at last see that darkness that fills my eyes, then, and only then do I hide the object beneath the folds of my coat.

I would like to say that I had a reason, that my target deserved to die. He did. He was asking for his fate ever since he was born. But that’s not why I ended his life. That’s not why I took his soul. I did it to feed my darkness. I did it to satisfy my need for blood and death. I did it so that I could feel alive again. And now, after so long, I do…

You see, I am hollow. I don’t feel things. I just can’t. It’s like I’m broken, a toy that was damaged the moment it was made. I don’t remember why I’m like this, but I am. I just am. I see blood, I hear the screams of pain, and I watch their tears as they beg for a few more seconds of life, and I smile. I let myself feel an emotion. I let myself feel joy.

But now, now I must complete the process. I must end what I have started. Reaching down I clasp my hands around the cold, sticky skin on the corpse’s ankles, and looking over to the huge pile of hay that rests in the middle of the vast, motionless field where I stand, I start to force the body onwards. The static mound of yellow straws, so still in the cold night air, frozen like a once beating heart locked in ice, is waiting, waiting to envelope the heavy body, taking it in and away from harm.

Finally the body seems hidden, only his limp, pale arm visible through the hay, and I step back, looking at what I now know will be my last chance to laugh; my last chance to understand true happiness. And suddenly I swing my head back, looking up into the blackness above, letting the moons light shine down upon me. It will be glorious; I am sure, to watch the body burn, to watch the human form turn into ash.

And then, stepping out from the darkness, a shadow appears.  It steps forwards, walking towards the mountain of hay, holding a burning flame in its hand. Then the match falls down, spiralling through the air, and resting on the floor.

The pyre erupts into flame, the fire roaring like a demon locked in hell, tendrils licking the sky and consuming the air with a wonderful warmth. The shadow is smiling, her jet black hair a striking contrast to the monument of red before me, and her trembling hands finally beginning to steady. She understands, finally, she knows why I must kill. And soon she will know why it must be my last kill.

For tonight marks the end. Tonight marks the last time I can truly feel full. Because the emptiness… It already comes. I can feel it, slowly taking over my body. I can sense that lack of worth, of purpose. I am leaking, any small remnants of joy slowly draining out of me. And I knew it would end like this. Eventually, it had to.

It’s like every kill; the feeling never lasts as long. And when I kill without reason, when I kill just out of spite, then I will be forced to accept that I truly am evil.

Which is why this is it. I must pass on my skills. I must let another feel as I have felt. I must let the shadow become me. She has been watching, watching me take my kills. She knows how it’s done, knows how to free a man’s soul when he least expects it. And she will end so many lives, but feel so much joy, more than she has ever known. But now, it is my time to go. And now it is her time to be born.

I hand her the blade, the moonlight bouncing of its surface, and I step towards the fire. I look down; look down into the raging flames. So beautiful… So perfect… And then she plunges the knife through me, my blood soaking the ground. But the pain, it is nothing, nothing compared to the joy.

After so many years, so many painful years, I have found happiness. I have found a way to laugh…


Submitted: August 21, 2013

© Copyright 2022 devilbrother. All rights reserved.

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Comments

ThomasC

Hi. I am a retired newspaper journalist with an excellent command of the English language. I've read your story and offer my review below. I hope you find it helpful.

I first will point out some writing/grammar suggestions then overall.

"I take a white cloth from out of my pocket. . ." Actually, you should delete "out of". It only makes the sentence too wordy. Obviously, you are taking it out of your pocket, so you don't need to write it.

". . .then, and only then do I. . ." Delete the comma after the first "then".

"I would like to say I had a reason. . ." Just say it. Don't say "I would like to say" - so just start the sentence with "I had a reason. . ." It is sharper, more direct.

"I did it so that I could feel alive again." The word "that" is not necessary. Delete it and you will see the sentence 1) is just fine without it and 2) sounds better.

Writers tend to be too wordy, and words like "that" and "had" are often completely unnecessary.

Next, the dots at the end of that paragraph are not used correctly. Dots are used to show some text has been taken from another source, written or spoken, but not the complete text, only part of it. The dots are called an ellipsis and are formatted DOT SPACE DOT SPACE DOT just like I used them previously in this review. To show an abrupt stop or hesitation, use the em dash, which you can get by holding down the ALT key, hitting 0151, then release the ALT key. For instance:

"You—you—killed her?" or "I did it because—"

"I must end what I have started." You don't need "have". It's an unnecessary word.

"Finally, the body. . ." Finally is an introductory clause, therefore you must put a comma after it. Also in that part, what follows a semi colon must be a complete sentence that could stand on its own, so you need to replace the semi colon with another comma.

"And suddenly I swing my head back. . ." Delete "And". Start with "Suddenly," and put a comma after suddenly.

". . .moons light. . ." How many moons are there? One? Then to show the light belongs to the moon, you must show possession by adding an apostrophe: moon's light.

"It will be glorious; I am sure. . ." Replace the semi colon with a comma.

"And then, stepping out. . ." Delete "And". Try not to start sentences with a conjunction like "and".

". . .steps forwards, walking towards. . ." Should be forward, not forwards. Also, just because a word is used by many incorrectly, it doesn't make it right. The correct word is toward, not towards.

"Then the match falls down,. . ." Just start the sentence: "The match falls down,. . ." Delete "then".

"And soon she will know. . ." Do not start sentences with "And". Just start it "Soon she will know"

In the next paragraph, don't use the dots, use the em dash. Do not start sentences with "and". Do not end a sentence with a preposition. Instead of ending: "it had to", end it ". . .it had to end."

Continuing with the story, delete "and"s as sentence beginnings, the word is toward, not towards, replace the semi colon with a comma, don't use the dots.

The last paragraph. You do not need "have". Just write ". . .I found happiness. I found a way to laugh." Using "have" is being too wordy, and the sentence sounds better without it.

OVERALL

It is a good story. I liked the visuals. It is almost poetic.

You just need to work on the "mechanics" of writing as I indicated above.

Remember how to use the dots, the em dash, not to start sentences with "and", toward, not towards, forward, not forwards, do not be too wordy, and how to use the semi colon.

Again, it is a good story, but will be an excellent one with the corrections.

Good job!

Thomas C

Wed, August 21st, 2013 5:32pm

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Reply

Wow, thank you for all the pointers! I will certainly take this on board and hopefully my future writings will be much improved because of it. Thank you very much, an extremely helpfull review :)

Fri, August 23rd, 2013 6:43am

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