Monday the 12 of November 2008
Today Petunia moved into a nursing home as I was no longer able to look after her by myself. She wasn't able to perform the simplest actions and in the end she became fully dependent on me. I
would spend all my day tending to her. I had to dress her, feed her, wash her and all the rest. I couldn't even leave her by herself, only If it was just for a minute.It was like having a baby
again but this time I was alone. Actually I nearly always had a visitor at the house who came to help me care for Petunia.
Those last few sentences must have sounded so selfish and cold. I love Petunia with all my heart but I know that there are people out in the world that could look after her better than I could.
When I told Sarah we were thinking about Petunia moving into a nursing home she offered for the two of us to move in with her but I couldn't do that. She already has a two young children and a
husband to look after. She doesn't need two elderly people living in her house, one of which needs full time care.
When we were moving all of Petunia's things into her new room I knew that she was pretending everything was okay and it was all for the best. But I knew her better than that, I could see it in her
eyes; the self-hatred, envy and anger that she wouldn't let anyone else know of. It nearly tore me apart. As soon as I got home I burst into tears. How could I have done that to her? How could I
have left her in that cold place where everyone is waiting till death knocks on their door. I know I will never forgive myself for doing it.
Some days I find it hard when she doesn't recognise my face. How can I help her when she thinks I am some stranger that walked off the street?You don’t talk to strangers, everyone knows that but
on days like that I pretend I am a friend of a friend and I don’t let anyone know how much it hurts.
© Copyright 2016 elleswish. All rights reserved.