Tuesday the 25th of December 2009
I visited her again today, like every other day I spent it sitting around the nursing home, watching her sleep, going for walks around the gardens, sitting by the duck pond or in the old dining
Sarah came with me today but my dear Petunia told her to go away.Petunia cried out so loud, yelling how Sarah was not her child. She yelled so loud it made me cry as well as Sarah. This is our
daughter that together we share, but why does she not remember the life once had? How would you act if your mother doesn't recognize you? She lives in a world where her memories are a reality.
I dream for the days that I hope will happen. The days when she gets the sparkle back in her eyes but I know it is just that; a dream. A dream where her face tells a story of her life; one that
is grand and full of life but now it only tells the story of an old lady who is slowly dying. Death might even be better than this. She is always in pain. There is no treatment available at her
stage of Alzheimer's but they give her medication to give her a better quality of life and to ease the pain of her symptoms like: seizures, bed wetting, skin infections, extreme weight loss and
being unable to swallow.
She's in her own private prison. She is trapped inside her own body. She can't communicate with anyone, she can only grunt, groan and moan. It depresses me to know that it will only get worse.
Sometimes I wish that I was in her place instead. She is a mother, a grandmother and a wife, she is needed more than I, I wish we could swap places.
I watched "The Notebook" yesterday. I feel for the old man. I am in the same place as he. I hope I can soothe Petunia's pain like Noah soothed Ellie's. Their love carried them to heaven. I wish
I could help her get to a better world like that. One where there is no such thing as pain and suffering, a world that is full of love and hope, a world where everyone is equal and no one is
Whenever things get bad I take Petty's hand and let her borrow some of my memories. I tell her of the old days of when we were 17, young, carefree and full of life. I tell her how when we were
21 and got engaged everyone thought we were lovesick fools. I tell her about our wedding, the magic that was in the air that night. I tell her of the feeling that we both had when our only
daughter arrived into the world, our daughters first day of school, her graduation, her wedding, even when she had her own two children. Sometimes I know she remembers along with me, I can see it
in her eyes. But those moments are becoming few and further in between. I know the two of us don’t have much time left with each other. I am scared to leave her side as I want to spend every
waking moment with her but I know that isn’t possible.
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