Its hard to explain quite how I got into this ridiculous state, I'm in love with someone that would rather see me on my knees, crying in pain and agony a physical manifestation of the turmoil in
my own mind. I guess it would help if you knew what I was like before I met him, oh how I miss the days when I was myself, and people liked me for it. I was on the school's rugby team, vice
captain actually, I was the fastest in my year and could do the cross country run in under thirty three minutes (trust me thats an achievement).
I was an A student in Higher maths and english, and I could complete my art folios three weeks before the dead line with surplus sketches. My biology teacher called me his prodigy, and with right, I think I'm still the only person my age that knows what a phospholipid bilayer is.
It was never meant to end up like this. I was always going to be his friend, I was always going to be there for him. But I don't know why I did it like I did, sure I ruined him, brought him right
down to where he put me... But it wasn't worth what I lost, self respect.
Sure I'm still the same guy I was, Eric Calder, I still have brown eyes, if I left my hair long enough the beet root red hair dye would fade and I'd be left with my dirty blond head of hair. But something inside me is gone, and its his shape.
I guess I could elaborate, our story book first glance into each others eyes, playing in the park after school, Kelly and all the drama that happened afterwords. Of course I don't know what was going on in his mind while these events destroyed us both, and everyone around us, so I can only speak for myself.
I remember the first day we met quite well, but in order to fully come to grips with how everything unfolded, well I should probably start the day before.
It was Friday coming to the start of the October break, one week actually until we were off on holiday, I was in English revising Romeo and Juliet quotes for the exams due in April, a little early yes but you can't be too prepared when its your future. I'm flicking through the pages board stiff, so far I can probably recite all of act three scene one ( I'm cheating actually, I played the part of Mercutio in my theatre group two years earlier and some of the lines just stuck.) and most of Romeo's death speech \"Thou art not conquer'ed.\" seriously back then I couldn't begin to fathom how pathetic a guy could get over some one he loved.
I'd had girlfriends before, some of the prettiest in my classes, even girls in the year above have asked me out, but I mean I'd never kill myself over any of them, desperation can only go so far for me.
Anyway I look out of the window at the playing fields, and think how in just under half an hour I'll be running around in the mud up to my ankles, rugby practice... I enjoy the sport, I'm not butch like you'd imagine, but I'm pretty toned. I'm a little smaller than the others, but I make myself noticed on the pitch. I can jump for a ball like some weird circus hybrid- Kangaroo Meets Seal- and once I've got it you can be sure I'm going to score a try.
Time passes and at last the bell rings. I walk out the class room and head for my locker, thats when a flash of red swerves into me sending paper going everywhere. The halls busy but I stop to
square up to the guy that banged into me. At least I think its a guy, he's tall with shoulder length hair its all wispy and thinned out and has clearly had some time spent on it, he had pretty
high cheek bones and looks like he's smiling \"Something funny mate?\" I ask glaring.
He ignores me as I walk on, letting him pick up his own damned papers.
So I'm out on the field, running laps, joking about to some of my mates. We're all wearing our black and yellow strips, I always get my shorts in the size up. I've got knees the size of most
other guy's knuckles, so I hide them, they still slag me off for it but at least I can pretend I don't care. Thats when I see him again, I notice the red waterproof jacket from a mile off and
shake my head. He waits for me to run past him and he calls out my name.
\"Yeah what?\" I ask, briskly.
\"Umm, You are Eric Calder right?\" he seems shy, course he is everyone gets like that around me.
\"Yep, so what? Want an autograph?\" I ask, a few of my bigger friends come over Craig and Louis and give the guy some looks, he's tensing up I can tell. He sort of half chuckles not sure if I was being genuinely nasty or not.
\"Well what do you want buddy?\" I ask again.
He reaches into his bag and pulls out a red jotter stuffed with notes.
\"Y-You must of dropped it when you banged into me... Sorry\"
\"Aye? Well, cheers...\" I say dismissing him. He hangs around for a second, until I walk off. I turn my head just as he does the same, he smiles his cheekbones raising further up his face.
I only nod again in a thankful manner.
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