Chapter 1: Hidden Beauty

Reads: 1597
Comments: 20

Chapter 1: The First Day of School

(Hi all… Thank you for reading! This is my first novel and I am inexperienced. Please leave me some comments so that I can improve! Once again, thanks!)

‘Honestly Kiki, I don’t understand why you must do this.’ Jane plopped herself onto my bed and stared at me slipping on three shirts and two shorts before wearing my Junior College uniform. (Author note: Junior College provides Pre-University education)

‘Cause I don’t want to be recognized.’ I replied casually to my best friend while tying my wavy black hair into a simple ponytail. Putting on a thick-rimmed pair of spectacles, I turned to Jane. ‘How do I look?’

‘Ugly!’ Jane exclaimed.

‘Great!’ I giggled at her look of shock blended with disgust. Being my best friend for ten years, I cannot fault her for not getting accustomed to my new heavy image.

‘Ready to go to school?’ Jane quipped with a tinge of impatience in her voice.

Taking a final glance through my airbrushed modelling photographs spilled across magazines and gossip columns in the newspapers, I am confident that the paparazzi are unable to recognize me now.

‘Sure!’

We are finally on our way to school. Throughout the bus ride, I keep fidgeting, feeling afraid of being recognized on one hand and feeling excited about going to a new school on the other…

‘Hey… Quit muttering!’ Jane snapped. Oh my gosh! I didn’t even realize I’d been muttering to hide myself.

‘I… I’m sorry.’ I whispered.

Jane’s bright eyes softened. ‘It’s ok Kiki. It really is ok. Everything is under control. Look around you… No guy has been ogling at you. No jealous glares from girls either. What’s there to fear?’

‘You’re right. There’s nothing to fear!’ I smiled at Jane confidently.

‘Of course I am right! All the attention is on the beautiful me so you don’t have to worry.’

‘You idiot…’ I pushed Jane a little and we laughed.

Entering the school’s gate, I scanned around nervously. There are lots of unfamiliar faces and most showed signs of excitement and interest. I stood closer to Jane, hoping to gain some confidence.

As we stroll down the common corridor, lots of guys are smiling at Jane and glance past me. For the first time in my entire 17 years of life, I am invisible. Ok. I got to admit. This feeling sucks! I can feel a little green monster called jealousy poking at me. My eyes are blazing with envy as I look at my best friend. To be honest, I never realized how cute-looking Jane is until now. Although her dark brown hair is cut short, it complements her well-defined small chin and her short fringe brings out her bright inquisitive brown eyes. Our light green uniform hugs snugly about her chest and the skirt is short enough to reveal her slender legs.

‘Oh my god! Gosh! Look look!’ Jane squeals suddenly, grabbing my arm. I spin around instantly and the one thing that grabbed her attention seized mine.

TROY TAN! Top local model recently crowned number 1 position as the youngest and HOTTEST bachelor of the year in CLEO magazine! Do I need to say more?

Submitted: January 21, 2009

Young Adult love romance beauty kiss friend disguise handsome model

Like
Shelfit

Chapters

Add Your Comments:

Sign in to write a comment

Comments

Hamboo243

This was great! Can't wait for next chapter!

Wed, January 21st, 2009 5:05pm

Author
Reply

Thanks! I am currently writing chapter 2! ^.^

Wed, January 21st, 2009 7:45pm

zairafirefly

This is a good beginning, it can go lots of places.

I agree with mdnight on the feelings, right now your writing is very much "this happened, then this, then this," but with dialogue. Also, try to keep everything in the same tense "I scanned," to "There are lots" to "I stood".

I know this is just the very beginning, but Jane so far is just Kiki's sidekick, try to give her her own personality as well. You definitely want to get into character development for these two, because they are both interesting characters.

I can't wait to see what else you do with this story.

Wed, January 21st, 2009 5:20pm

Author
Reply

Wow... Thanks! I'll try my best to bring in more emotions =)

Wed, January 21st, 2009 7:47pm

natasha13

Wow! This story is definitely a good one! I need to keep reading this. Your story is so original!
I love how you described your characters but I, too, think you should add more emotion to it.
Otherwise, it's pretty awesome!
Update soon!

xoxo
the supercalaFREAKIN awesome ... ME! ... =]

Thu, January 22nd, 2009 4:55am

Author
Reply

Thanks! Love the way you describe yourself! I am trying to make revisions to the next chapter to come. Will definitely add in more emotion! ^.^

Wed, January 21st, 2009 9:04pm

storyofmylife

it's good. it does need more emotion as they said up there. but mine lacked at the beginning to so i have confidence you improved.. =]

off to read more.

Mon, February 23rd, 2009 1:39am

Author
Reply

Thanks! Its great to know you have confidence in me. This means alot to me than you know... =)

Sun, February 22nd, 2009 6:19pm

laila

nice!

Mon, February 23rd, 2009 5:50am

Author
Reply

Thank you for checking my novel out!

Sun, February 22nd, 2009 10:09pm

bob34659

ok, a little but of advice, (sorry i wouldn't do this but u look really good and i want u 2 improve)
try not to go OVERBOARD on the descriptions. short, detailed ones r wat u want. oh and try not 2 make ur sentances so long. i mean use some long ones, but don't go like totally overboard. u can add some short senatnces in their too. like, "That's so cool!" she exclaimed. thats short. ok? sorry im real picky sometimes. im gonna go comment on the rest. ok? excellent job though.

Mon, February 23rd, 2009 8:10pm

Author
Reply

Wow... I'm so happy that u'll give me advice! Thanks... I'll be careful of long sentences when i write in future. =)

Mon, February 23rd, 2009 4:07pm

Lady Leah

I like your story so far, except I don't think she should cover up lol, flaunt it if you've got it.
Your first chapter captured me to read more and I always look for that, I hate a boring first chapter.
More feeling I agree, but I think for a first time novel this is great lots of effort went into this!
xD
~Lady Leah~

Thu, February 26th, 2009 1:45pm

Author
Reply

Thanks for liking my story... I totally agree! Flaunt it if you've got it.. Haha.. But i hide Kiki up cuz I think she must be tired of the attention already. Maybe its given her alot of problems. So yea... =)

Thu, February 26th, 2009 4:00pm

Love Can Make Or Break You

It is very good, also very real. The feelings you describe are very easy to relate to. But i think the writing itself needs a bit more feeling, and maybe you need a a bit less dialogue and a bit more details. Other than that, the plot is good and I can't wait to read more.

Thu, February 26th, 2009 6:53pm

Author
Reply

Thanks! I'm glad you find this real. I have some problems balancing the dialogue & details. Trying to improve on that...

Thu, February 26th, 2009 4:07pm

Mackin

Sounds interesting so far! Different than other stories on here, which is good. One thing: Instead of using ' to show someone speaking, use " ! :)

Thu, February 26th, 2009 8:41pm

Author
Reply

thanks! I'll use " in the chapters i'm writing currently!

Thu, February 26th, 2009 4:09pm

Kirsten Rain

veryyy good!

Thu, February 26th, 2009 9:35pm

Author
Reply

thank you for your compliment =)

Thu, February 26th, 2009 4:09pm

Alice Clarence

well, you already know some places to improve. io would give Kiki more of a voice. it seems as if she is not very opinionated. her opinion should color what she thinks.

Fri, February 27th, 2009 12:16am

Author
Reply

Thank you Alice. I hope you'll find some improvements I've made along the way. ^.^

Thu, February 26th, 2009 4:18pm

emma goodaman

oooo i like it already

Fri, February 27th, 2009 12:16am

Author
Reply

Thu, February 26th, 2009 4:17pm

emma goodaman

oooo i like it already

Fri, February 27th, 2009 12:16am

Author
Reply

Thanks! Glad you like this!

Thu, February 26th, 2009 4:16pm

crystal aqua

oooooo I CALL DIBS ON HIM!!

Fri, February 27th, 2009 4:10am

Author
Reply

lol =)

Thu, February 26th, 2009 8:18pm

yuu shindemura

hmmm...thanks for letting me know of this! but i think i don't have problem with the words and anything else descriptive in this story! no problem for me, thanks for updating me to it! i'll read here back from the beginning! ^.^

Mon, March 2nd, 2009 8:49pm

Author
Reply

Thank you for checking this out! Hope you'll enjoy the story =)

Mon, March 2nd, 2009 4:08pm

Emme31

This is pretty dang good so far lol
thanks for telling me about i will defintly read on:]

Wed, March 4th, 2009 2:42am

Author
Reply

Thank you so much! I'm happy that you are enjoying my story. =)

Tue, March 3rd, 2009 7:36pm

Angelsong

pretty cute start here ^_^ i do agree that it needs a teeny weeny bit more emotion here and there just to draw the reader in further into the story, but that's about it. keep it up =]

Wed, March 4th, 2009 11:23pm

Author
Reply

Thank you! So I guess I still have to add in more emotion? I'm pretty confused now...

Wed, March 4th, 2009 4:27pm

FairyWings

Sorry Raenelle (Angelsong), I thought you commented on chapter 11. Yes I agree... The beginning needs more emotions.

Thu, March 5th, 2009 12:47am