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Chapter One

I was fourteen when it happened. It was March break and I was young and innocent. I wasn't yet aware of the evils in the world, or the evil people who were a part of it. I was fourteen when everything changed...

Everything wasn't exactly sunshine and rainbows before then, but I had managed to get through the things that I'd experienced so far without too many scars. They were just the regular things that girls tend to experience as a part of growing up. I had to deal with growing and changing, and of course I struggled with my body image, but I still loved myself. God it was so good to love myself! If you can wake up in the morning and see yourself in the mirror and think to yourself "Wow, I'm turning into such a beautiful person" please hold on to that for as long as you can. Don't ever let anyone take that away from you. As long as you feel that way about yourself, you're still winning.

I'm not so lucky. I had my innocence stripped away from me in an instant. I haven't been able to look at my reflection since.

It was March break, and I was in the ninth grade. I didn't know anything about anything. I'd never had a boyfriend, I'd never even kissed a boy. I mean, I'd kissed boys in the back of the playground, truth or dare kind of way, but I've never really thought that counts.

I was on a ski trip. I met a couple of guys while I was at the hill on the second day I was there. Jake and Kevin. They were so lovely when I met them. Jake looked like he could be modeling for Burton. He was tall and dark, in every sense you could imagine, and he had these blue eyes that could make you just melt. God was he good looking. Kevin had a much more understated look to him. He was still handsome, but in a much more rugged way. He just oozed confidence, he just knew that no matter what he could do no wrong.

I remember being completely floored when the two of them approached me, of all people, in the Chalet. I thought for sure they had to have made some mistake, or they were just making fun of me. But there they were, and I spent the following two days with them on the hill. Things were so good.

Now of course, I know that things only ever feel really good, right before they're about to get really bad.

I do apologize, I know that my thoughts are kind of all over the place. It's just, it all happened so long ago and it's hard to keep it straight. I just want you to understand that you're the only one who I've told about this in a very long time. I don't want to miss any of the details.

After our third day of skiing, Jake and Kevin invited me to a party. I was so excited! Me, being invited to a party by these two gorgeous guys?! I really can't explain to you how excited I was, especially since I think that's the last time I can remember being excited for anything. I think every teenager must get that feeling when they're invited to their first party. I mean, the first party that's not a pop and chips, chaperoned by somebody's parents type of party. I'm sure you understand.

I spent the next few hours on cloud nine. I hadn't packed any clothes with me that you could really wear to a party. (Honestly, I don't think that I owned any clothes that you could wear to a party.) So I hopped on the bus and went to the mall, and walked through stores, and tried on dresses, and was surprised to see that they actually looked pretty on me. I didn't look like I was trying too hard, which was what I had been expecting. I think, that might have been my first experience with feeling pretty.

So I bought the dress, and the shoes to match, and I headed back to the hotel to get myself ready, and to practice having conversations in front of the mirror. The girl I was sharing a room with wasn't there when I got to the room. She was older, and she kept sneaking off places to "hook up" with her boyfriend. I remember not knowing that to mean back then what it does now. I really wished that she was there, I thought she might have been able to give me some advice. She seemed like the type who had been to a lot of parties.

I got dressed, and I pulled my hair up into a ponytail because that was the only thing I knew how to do with my hair. Then, I splashed some cold water on my face, because I didn't own makeup, or know how to apply it anyways, it all looked so complicated. I never used to think that I needed it anyways. I looked in the mirror and saw my pretty reflected self smiling back at me. Nowadays when I'm busy hating myself, I try to remember how that felt. How wonderful it was to be so effortlessly happy.

The boys showed up at ten o'clock. They were old enough to drive, and even though I had said I would take the bus, they had insisted that they give me a ride. I climbed into the back seat of the beat up old Corolla, and said hello. The boys looked so different when they weren't all geared up for the ski hill. Jake was even more perfect than I ever thought possible. Kevin, was apparently much more handsome than I had previously given him credit for. He gave me this grin when I got in the car and his eyes were just sparking with mischief.

We showed up in front of an enormous house. Cars filled the driveway and spilled out onto the street. There were people everywhere. Everywhere that I looked there was something going on. People huddled around a fire in the yard, people smoking next to the tree line, silhouettes in every window. It really was something else, and it was so loud! Screaming, and laughing, and the music. It was all so overwhelming.

"My lady," Jake had opened my door for me and held out his hand. I took it and smiled. God he was lovely.

We picked our way through the chaos to the front door. The boys didn't knock, which I thought was rude, although nobody would have heard even if they did I suppose. So, in we went.  The music was loud, the kind of loud where you can feel it vibrating in your stomach. People were everywhere, holding plastic cups and looking red in the face. That was when it occurred to me that I hadn't considered whether or not I was going to be drinking alcohol. Honestly, the notion that there was even going to be that possibility hadn't really crossed my mind.

I didn't have long to think about it though, as Kevin put a red cup in my hand. It smelled like rubbing alcohol. "Ugh, what the hell is this?!" I had to yell to be heard over the music.

Kevin grinned, "Everclear."


I'm sure you've heard of everclear, but I hadn't. All that I can tell you is that it was awful! I still can't figure out why anyone would choose to drink it, but I slammed that first drink back. I guess I thought it was kind of like ripping off a band-aid. Better to just get it over with. The boys exchanged a look as I set my cup on the counter. Kevin quickly poured another for me. This time it was green, and smelled like those candies you can get that are supposed to look like wedges of watermelon. I decided that I didn't have to deal with this drink so hastily, so I just took a sip.

After two hours, and five more drinks of all varieties, I was feeling so warm. It was a warmth that originated in my stomach and just radiated through the rest of me, My mouth felt weird and my tongue felt swollen, and I really had to use a bathroom. I looked over at Jake, "washroom?" I managed to say, in a voice that didn't sound like my own.

He motioned down the hall, "last door on the right." I nodded and stood up, only to almost fall back onto the couch. That's the thing about booze, if you've been sitting for a while, it'll hit you a lot harder than what you're usually expecting once you stand up. I managed to keep my balance and shuffled off down the hallway. I kept reminding myself that it was the last door on the right, I was pretty sure that I'd forget if I didn't keep repeating it. It seemed so far away, but I finally got there. I tried the handle, but it was locked.

Shit I remember thinking. I started swearing a lot more that night, even just in my head.

After an eternity the door opened, and a guy walked out. He was closely followed by a messy-haired girl with smudged makeup. I moved into the bathroom and closed the door in a single motion.


I remember looking in the mirror while I was washing my hands. I didn't recognize my reflection. She looked so different. Flushed cheeks, and eyes that were opened too wide. I raised a hand to my cheek and so did she, the girl in the mirror, but she couldn't possibly be me! The more I stared at her, the more her face seemed to contort and twist into something else, someone.... darker. How could that possibly be me?!

I don't really know how long I stared at that mirror. Probably not for nearly as long as it felt like. The more I stared, the more she stared back, and the more I thought that I could feel myself simply disappearing. My existence slowly being replaced by this shady reflected-self. I panicked. I threw a hairbrush at the mirror, shattering it.

7 years bad luck....

How appropriate, since here I am seven years later and all of this is finally coming to an end.


When I left that bathroom, I didn't go back to the sitting room I'd come from. Instead I turned down a flight of stairs to the basement. I stopped short of the bottom step, paralyzed.  God what a sight it was. There were seven people, two of whom I recognized as the couple from earlier in the bathroom. They were together on the couch, and they were naked and tangled up in one another. I turned away from the quickly, it didn't seem like the kind of thing that anyone should just watch. The other five sat hunched over around a coffee table, low to the floor. One of them leaned back just enough for me to see several rows of white powder on the tabletop. My knees buckled abd U fell down the last step. The five turned, the two continued what they were doing on the couch. "sorry," I managed.

Who's voice was that?!

One of the five motioned to the table, "want a line?"

"No!" I shouted, but no sound came out, what the hell was happening to me?

"Sure," I heard a voice say. I didn't recognize it, even though it came out of my mouth. -What the hell?- Suddenly I saw myself walk over to the table and crouch beside it, amongst the five. I took one of the lines, like I'd done it a thousand times before, but it wasn't me! I mean, it was, but, I was still sitting on the floor where I'd landed at the bottom of the stairs. I watched myself lean back from the table and smile, like I was experiencing the greatest thing in the world, she was. She looked my direction and winked. It was that same face that I had seen earlier in the mirror. Me, only darker or something.

That's when Kevin came downstairs. He saw her beside the table and raised an eyebrow. I watched him walk to one of the five and whisper something to him. They exchanged a nod and then Kevin walked over to her and lifted her up off the floor. It's all so hard to explain. What he whispered in her ear, I heard in my own even though I watched him say it, and even though I saw her hear it, and I couldn't say anything to respond. "Come with me" he whispered, and I could feel his breath on my cheek. They went upstairs and I followed.

Again, we bypassed the sitting room, but I saw Kevin exchange a look with Jake as we went by. We went up another flight of stairs and down a hallway until Kevin lead the way into one of the rooms. He closed the door behind us, and the music became only a hammering pulse behind the door.

He offered her another drink. I willed her to say no, but she didn't. Instead she just took it and pounded it back, only I was the one who was tasting it.

The bass of the music continued to pulse outside of the door the bedroom. I was so uneasy, I could feel my heart caught in my throat. I was naive, but I had also seen enough T.V. to know where this was going. I shifted uneasily as I watched her. My twisted reflection. I didn't know what she was going to do.

At that moment, the door opened, and for an instant the music in the house swelled to a recognizable song before the door closed again and left the room to be pounded once again by the pulsating sound of the bass. Jake stood in the doorway, hunched over. He looked... sad?

"You ready?" Kevin sneered. I don't know who it was directed at. I saw her smirk, and I saw Jake lock the door, and I saw Kevin grin, and then they were on the bed.

Suddenly I was me, and I was on the bed and Jake and Kevin were both on top of me.

"No, stop!" I said, and the sound came out. and for a split second I was happy to be able to hear that sound. I was happy because hearing my own voice meant I wasn't being held hostage in my own head anymore.

"Don't be silly babe, you want it," Kevin growled in my ear. I looked up at him and saw only pure, terrifying determination in his eyes. He looked so savage.

I begged, and struggled against them, but there were two of them, and I couldn't even tell if my hands were attached to my arms anymore they'd become so numb. And that damn bass just kept pounding against the door. As if to remind me that nobody was going to hear me. Nobody was coming to help.

I felt them adjust my dress, and then pull off my underwear. My eyes burned with the sting of tears, as I willed them not to escape. They didn't deserve to see me cry.

Kevin held my arms still over my head. Jake was preoccupied with taking off his own pants. Then Kevin was jamming his tongue into my mouth. "Fuck!" he yelled as I bit down on it. He slapped me hard across the face. A yelp managed to escape my lungs. "I didn't know you were into that kinky shit babe. We can arrange to keep that up for you I think" and he grinned at Jake. Only, it wasn't his usual grin, it wasn't a happy kind of grin. It was a maniacs grin. Someone who gets off on the misfortune of others. The more I struggled, the more it seemed to wind him up, which in turn seemed to egg Jake on.

"Please," I pleaded, "God, please don't!!"

"God isn't going to help you sweetheart" Jake said quietly, just as he forced himself into me.

I screamed. It hurt so badly, and I wanted nothing more than to be that girl who I had been back at the hotel only a few hours earlier. That girl who had looked at herself in the mirror and been happy. That girl who was naive and only ever believed the best in people. How could that girl have been destroyed so fast?


I cried in silence. There was no point in fighting anymore, it was too late. I felt the whole world crumbling down around me, at least, it was my whole world. The room was swirling into nothing but patches of light and darkness. I felt sick, and helpless, and devastated, and angry and hurt all at the same time. The pulsing continued, but I couldn't tell anymore if it was the music, or if it was just my heart.

I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror on the vanity across the room. There she was, just as twisted as ever, watching everything happen and looking damn proud of herself for making it happen. She was me, but she wasn't. She clearly wasn't the least bit concerned about me anyways. In fact, I swear, she was smiling...

Submitted: June 05, 2013

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This is a very raw and powerful piece of writing. The uncertainties and emotion are captured well here and the split in character was done excellently.

Thu, June 6th, 2013 3:23am


Thank you so much!!!! I really am trying to make the emotions as real as possible! I appreciate your encouraging comments. Please check back soon for the next chapter

Wed, June 5th, 2013 8:55pm


hey I remember a little what I wrote earlier. I said I really liked the knowing and not controlling two sided story of it. Will continue reading, take care.

Thu, June 6th, 2013 8:34pm

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