“I’m nervous.” I bit my lip looking at Tucker. We are sitting in the OBGYN waiting to get our ultrasound. I’m 20 weeks pregnant, half way through to the end.
“I’m nervous too.” He smiled taking my hand in his. “We are going to find out what we are having.” He kissed me as his thumb rubbed over my engagement ring. I took a drink from my water.
“I can’t believe we are here. Would you have guessed this at the beginning of the summer we were going to be here, finding out the sex of our baby?” He shook his head.
“I love you.” He kissed me. “We’re going to raise our baby together.” I smiled at him as a nurse called my name.
“You ready?” He took a deep breath before nodding.
“Yeah.” We followed the nurse into the back as she put us in a room.
“Just pull your shirt up the doctor will be right with you.” She smiled walking out of the room. I laid down on the chair unzipping my hoodie I borrowed from Tucker before pulling up my tank top over my bump rubbing at the skin. Tucker sat next to me as we waited together.
“Have you thought of any names yet?” I asked turning my head to look at him. He smiled.
“A couple but I want to know the sex before I really start thinking about them.” I nodded at him.
“I can see that. I’ve thought of some for both.” I smiled looking down at my big bump. I wasn’t small anymore. It exploded! I loved to just sit in bed and rub it. To feel it kick. I love my baby. “I can’t wait to meet them. To hold them in my arms.” Tucker kissed me.
“Only 20 more weeks’ baby.” I smiled closing my eyes.
“Only 20 more weeks.” The door knocked making me look up as the Doctor walked in.
“Hey Kids. You ready to see your baby?” I nodded excitedly at her. I can’t wait! I want to see my baby. “Alright this is little bit cold.” She said as she squirted the gel on my bump. She moved the wand around on my belly. “Here you are. Here’s your baby.” I stared at the screen in awe. My baby.
“What’s the face?” Tucker asked making me look at him. He was watching the doctor. I looked at her my face dropping.
“Doc?” She moved the wand around my bump not answering us. “What’s wrong?” She cleared her throat.
“I’ll be right back.” I clutched Tucker’s hand tightly in mine.
“It’s going to be okay.” He whispered. I’m not sure if it was to me or to himself.
“I’m scared Tucker.” My excitement had turned into pure fear. What was wrong with my baby? The doctor walked back into the room with another doctor.
“Hello sweetheart.” He smiled at me sitting down at the seat the doctor got up from. “I’m just going to look at this for a minute.” I could feel the tears in my eyes.
“What’s going on?” I clutched Tucker’s hand tighter in mine. I could see his face drop as he stared at the screen before sighing.
“You want to tell them?” He whispered to the other doctor.
“Would someone tell us what the hell is going on?” Tucker snapped at them. Our doctor sighed looking at us.
“I’m so sorry.” I couldn’t help it, I started to cry.
“What’s going on?” Tucker asked looking between the doctors’ grave faces. I already knew it. I knew what she was going to say. I curled up onto my side and sobbed.
“Tucker, we could.” She took a deep breath. “We couldn’t find a heartbeat.” Hearing the words only made me cry harder. My baby’s gone.
“There has to be something you can do. Can’t you take it out? Save it?” She shook her head.
“It’s gone. We can’t save her. Not anymore.” He held me as I sobbed loudly. “She’s gone. She isn’t coming back.” She was getting worked up. Like I cared right now. I just lost my baby. I literally just lost a part of me. I was never going to see it, hold it, and change its diapers. I’d lost it before I even met it.
“Her?” He asked the raw emotion in his voice.
“You were going to have a baby girl. It was a girl.” I cried even harder. I’d never get to hold my baby girl.
“What are we going to do?” He asked quietly pulling me tightly to him.
“She’ll have to deliver the baby naturally. We can’t do anything. She’ll have to deliver the still born baby.” She cleared her throat again. “I’m sorry.” He held me tightly to him clutching me as I cried. The tears ran down his face but he was being strong, for me.
“Is there anything else we need to know? I think we need to go home now.” She nodded.
“I’ll call Sarah and tell her.” He nodded. “You can go at any time. Take your time.” She left the room with the other doctor as I cried into Tucker’s shoulder.
“She’s gone.” I cried holding him tightly.
“I know Car.” He pulled me up to a sitting position pulling on my hoodie for me. “Let’s get home, alright?” I nodded wiping my eyes. “It’s going to be okay.” I laid my head on his shoulder taking a deep breath as he rubbed my shoulders. “It’s going to be okay.” He helped me off the chair. “Let’s get going.” He helped me to the car. The car ride back to his was painfully silent as I fought the urge to cry again. I knew when we got back and saw everyone’s face; I’m going to cry again.
We walked into Tucker’s house to the sound of laughing. “How’d it go, Kids?” I couldn’t hold off the tears I wiped them off with the sleeve of Tucker’s sweat shirt that I’m borrowing. The room went silent as we walked in. Tucker held me as shook my head. Dad looked at Sarah as she put a hand over her mouth.
“What happened?” I shook my head walking out of the room as I burst into tears again. I ran into the bathroom closing the door behind me locking it. I slid down the door crying putting my hand into my mouth as I started to sob to mask the sound.
“Tucker….” He shook his head at them as tears welled up in his eyes.
“We lost the baby.” He roughly wiped his eyes. “They couldn’t find a heartbeat.” Dad looked at him in horror. “It’s gone.”
“Son…” Taylor says.
“But she was so close. I thought you were just going to find out the sex of the baby.” Leila said looking at her son. “She was 20 weeks.” Nic stood up to wrap her arms around her twin brother.
“We aren’t going to get…” He choked on a sob. “Carson has to deliver her.” A silence fell over the group. “Excuse me.” He left the room walking over to the bathroom knocking lightly. “Car?” I wiped my mouth after I just threw up. “Baby you want a hug?” I shook my head.
“No.” I mumbled standing up on shaking legs.
“Can I have a hug? I need one.” I opened the door walking into his open arms. I broke down again in his arms.
“It’s all my fault.” I cried into his shirt.
“Shhh no it’s not. It’s not your fault.” He held me as the silent tears rolled down his face.
“I’m sorry.” I cried. Sarah walked down the stairs and looked at me. I could barely see through my tears.
“Carson.” I shook my head as I broke into a sob.
“Mama.” I cried as she held me close both of us falling to the ground. “Oh Mama.” She held my head into her shoulder as she rocked me back and forth. “Mama.” I sobbed.
“Shhh baby, it’s going to be alright.” No it isn’t. It’s not going to be alright. I just lost my baby. My daughter. How is it going to be alright?
“Mama.” I cried again.
“We’re going to get through this together. I know we can.” I shook my head.
“I want to go home.” I coughed loudly. “I want to go home.”
“I’ll right come on.” I shook my head. I didn’t even want to move.
“I got her.” Tucker said clearing his throat. He picked me up holding me close to him. “You want me to come with you?” I nodded closing my eyes holding onto his neck.
“I’m sorry.” I mumbled to him closing my eyes feeling completely drained.
“It’s not your fault Sweetheart.” He kissed me as he got into the car with me still on his lap. “We’ll get through this.” He leaned his head against mine as the tears fell. “I know we can.” His tears fell silently. “I know we can.”
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