Pain Isn't a Weakness

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic

Chapter 18 (v.1) - Itty Bitty

Submitted: August 14, 2011

Reads: 434

Comments: 16

A A A | A A A

Submitted: August 14, 2011



 I walked down the long hallway following the nurse as she stopped right in front of an exam room. “Right in here Miss Williams.” She said putting my big file on the counter in the room. I sat on the bed style chair as Taylor sat on a chair next to the bed chair. Fin sat on his lap looking at a picture book. “The doctor should be with you soon.” I nodded rubbing my hands up and down on my jeans. She left the room as Fin looked up from his book.

“Mommy.” He said lifting the book up. “Mommy.” He looked at Taylor and pointed at me. Taylor lifted him onto the end so he could come sit on my lap. He smiled up at me. “Puppy.” He laughed pointing at the dog.

“That’s right Finny. What’s that?” He looked at the picture that I was pointing to.

“Kitty!” He giggled.

“And that?” I asked turning the page and pointing to the picture on it. His eyebrows scrunched together in confusion.

“No know mommy.” He pouted looking up at me.

“That’s a horsey.” He looked at it. Taylor smiled.

“Horsey?” He said looking at Taylor.

“It goes ‘Nah’.” Taylor said making Fin burst into giggles. “Nah.”

“You Horsey Daddy!”  He giggled at him. Taylor smiled at him. I looked up as Dr. Johnson walked into the room.

“I hate to say it but it’s great to see you again.” He smiled looking at Fin. “Hey little Buddy. What’s your name?” Fin looked at me.

“Finley.” He smiled looking down at the book.

“Hi Finley.” He smiled at him. Dr. Johnson looked at me. “Let’s get this started.” I nodded. “Helen can you come take Finley to the playroom for me?” He asked sticking his head out the door. A nurse came into the room and smiled at Fin.

“Come on sweetheart.” Fin looked at me.

“Give me a kiss baby.” He kissed me before getting off the bed. Helen pulled me into a big hug.

“Oh you grew up so much my little Bailey.” She smiled at me before taking Fin’s hand. He waved at me before walking out of the room with Helen, a nurse I remember since I was little. I looked at Dr. Johnson as he wrote something down before looking at me.

“Alright you know the drill. Shirt and Hoodie off and lay back.” I nodded un-zipping my hoodie and t-shirt and laying back on the table. I handed Taylor my shirt and hoodie as he took my hand into his. “I’m apologizing now for if I hurt you. I need to do this alright.” I nodded closing my eyes as I felt Dr. Johnson’s hands going down my ribs feeling each one. His hands moved down my sides to my hips before going back up to my ribs and moving over the top of my baby bump. He moved over where I know my liver is making me gasp in pain clutching Taylor’s hand tightly as Dr. Johnson felt around the area. “I’m sorry you know I have to do this.” I closed my eyes nodded as I felt tears coming to my eyes in pain. “Almost done.” He whispered as he felt all around my liver. He pushed in one spot harder than I could take causing me to grab his hand stopping him.

“Please stop. Please don’t. It hurts too much please.” He nodded pulling back.

“I’m sorry sweetheart.” He said turning to write down in my folder. Taylor lifted my hand to his lips and kissed my knuckles in support.

“What are you thinking?” I asked him wiping my eyes as he turned my folder back pages from when I was younger.

“Well I’m seeing how far along your cancer is first off.” He said sitting down on a rolling chair reading more of my file again.

“How can you tell that?” Taylor asked looking at him holding my hand.

“Well I’m looking at my notes from the other 3 times Bailey had cancer. Seeing how far she went with those before I make any moves to go anywhere else.” Taylor nodded as I rubbed my free hand on my belly rubbing it.

“Well what do you think we should do Dr. Johnson?” I asked making him look up from the file.

“How far along are you Bailey?”

“14 weeks.” He nodded writing it down in the folder.

“Alright. Have you heard the heartbeat yet?” I nodded as tears started to form in my eyes.

“It was amazing.” He smiled at me before writing something else.

“Alright sweetheart. Is it alright if I feel around your baby bump?” I nodded.

“Only if you don’t touch here again.” I said putting my hand over my still aching stomach where my liver was.

“I promise not to.” He said getting up. He put the file on the counter before walking over to me. He pressed gently on my little bump moving around to feel it. Taylor squeezed my hand in support till Dr. Johnson stopped. I watched him as he nodded at me.

“What are you thinking?”

“As in?” He asked looking at me.

“As in treatment for the cancer.” I sighed looking at Taylor for support. Dr. Johnson sighed.

“I’m thinking it would be best for you and the baby if you went under chemotherapy. I know you don’t like it but it’s the only hope that the cancer won’t spread to the baby as well as other organs of yours.” He sighed sitting down. “I trust you with this baby. I know you want it more than anything. I also know you want to do everything you can to keep this baby healthy and cancer free since you aren’t. Chemo is your best option. You know I wouldn’t say chemo if I didn’t believe in it. I want you and this baby to live normal, happy lives after this cancer. I know you are strong enough to see that. You are a fighter. But know you’re fighting for two. Not just yourself anymore.” I nodded.

“I will do chemo. Only for the baby though alright. Not because I want to. Just so my baby can be healthy and happy when she or he is older.” Dr. Johnson nodded. “What are you thinking now as in for the baby?” I asked him.

“I think I want to get an ultrasound of the baby.” He smiled gently at me. “You just stay here while I go get one.” I nodded as Taylor kissed my hand again. Fin came walking through the door rubbing his eyes yawning.

“Mommy I’m tired.” He mumbled walking over to me. I sat up and leaned down to pick him up from the floor as he closed his eyes.

“Here I’ll hold him.” Taylor said taking him into his arms as Fin curled up on his chest. Taylor laid my hoodie over him. Dr. Johnson came back into the room rolling in an ultrasound machine with him. He pushed it next to me before plugging it in. I watched as the machine came to life. Dr. Johnson sat on his chair before picking up the wand and the gel.

“Alright this is going to be cold.” He smiled at me squirting it onto my belly making me shiver. He put the wand to the gel moving it around till he got a picture. “You see that Bailey?” I looked up at the screen. “That’s your baby.” He smiled at me moving around the wand.

“Wow. It’s beautiful.” I whispered staring at the picture in front of me.  “It’s so beautiful.” I felt the tears forming in my eyes as I stared at the beautiful baby on the screen as Dr. Johnson took measurements of it.

“It’s just Itty Bitty.” Taylor smiled making me look at him.

“It is Itty Bitty.” I giggled at him. Itty Bitty was better than just calling it ‘it’. “How is Itty?” I asked Dr. Johnson as he watched the screen.

“Well everything seams okay.” He smiled as I looked back at my baby. “You see this?” He asked pointing to movement on the screen.

“Yeah I do. What is it?” He moved the wand on my belly.

“Well what’s going on is that Itty Bitty is breathing.” He said taking more measurements.

“Isn’t that a bad thing if it’s breathing?” I asked him curiously. He shook his head.

“Oh no of course not. Itty is just practice breathing. The muscles are breathing so they used to doing it and could get used to doing it when Itty’s born.” He clicked at some buttons.

“Wow. It seems so weird.” He shook his head.

“It isn’t. Itty Bitty is also moving as it gets reflexes now. Soon you should be able to feel it move inside you.” I smiled.

“I can’t wait till then. It will be awesome.” Dr. Johnson laughed.

“When you’re 8 months pregnant trust me you will be wishing for Itty to stop moving.” He clicked at move buttons before moving the wand again.

“I hope not. I want to enjoy my pregnancy for as long as possible.” I smiled watching the screen.

“Alright let’s get a look at Itty Bitty’s heart. See how that’s going.” He smiled moving the wand around on my bump. I watched the screen as the strong heartbeat came onto it. I smiled as I listened to the beat but I could feel the confusion sitting in the bottom of my stomach.

“Is, is something wrong with?” Taylor asked quietly at Dr. Johnson. Dr. Johnson no longer had the smile on his face as he stared at the screen.

“I think your right Taylor.” He said quietly looking at me.

“What’s going on? What’s wrong with my baby?”

“Bailey…I don’t know how to tell you this…” He said trailing off.

“Just tell me please.” I whispered staring at the screen.

“I don’t know if Itty Bitty is going to survive…anything.”

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