Book by: Gepikwhereis
fantasy, dark, adventure
Author Chapter Note
An epic story about two ordinary brothers, set in an island in a parallel dimension.
Chapter Content - ver.1
Submitted: January 10, 2012
Chapter Content - ver.1
Sorry, text is in comments.
© Copyright 2016 Gepikwhereis. All rights reserved.
It was nearly midnight that day.Charles and his younger brother, Thomas were busy packing their luggage for the journey next day. Thomas had been quite angry with Charles for deciding to start their journey early in thf morning ,instead of in the evening.
'But brother, it will effect our health,' said he with a grave face.He had always hated waking up early.
'Well, I don't think one sleepless night will effect our health!' Thomas replied back, he was quite frustrated with his brother.
'But brother, why can't we start our journey in the afternoon?'
'Because, my dear Thomas, if we do so we will reach our destination by late night, which can turn out dangerous- You see robbers might be wating to take all our possesions.'
'Well, the same thing could happen in the morning ,too!'
'Fool, haven't you heaid robbers prefer the night than the day?'...
Charles woke up at around five, early the nezt day.He quickly brushed hir teeth, washed his face and hurried to wake his brother.
'Thomas?Thomas?'He shouted near his ear.
Thomas eyes opened slowly for once, but then, quite suddenly, they closed again; and it was only sometime before he was finally able to wake him up.
They were ready by the time the carriage arrived and it took them not more than about five minutes to get both themselves and their luggage inside it.
'Will we ever come back, brother?' asked Thomas, a few minutes later, staring up at the sky.
'You better not hope so- I don't think you have forgotten why we ever decided to run from this kingdom, have you?'Charles replied.
'No, I haven't... But what about Aunt Isabella?Why is she not with us at the moment?Has the plan changed?'
'Thomas, didn't I tell you yesterday that a great problem has befallen Aunt Isabella-'
'I'm not asking that ,brother!What I want to know is why she didn't return with you from the bazar yesterday!'
'Alright-Here it-I'm sorry to say that I cannot tell you the actual reason behind her disapperance.'Thomas glared at Charles.
'Are you really my brother?'He said.
'Yes, I am. But I'm not going to tell you anything about Aunt, is that clear?'
Before I go onto the main part of the comment, can I first ask: why is the story in the comments section? It seems a bit of a strange choice – it means that you can't format the text properly, can't edit it, and can't post very much, because the comments have a word limit. Just curious.
Onto the review. Let's start with what I liked – the sense of mystery. Where are Charles and Thomas going? Why exactly are they going? What happened to Aunt Isabella? Why can't Charles tell Thomas the real reason behind her disappearance? So many questions – they're what keeps the reader wanting to know more. I, for one, am intrigued.
Now for what I think could be improved. The dialogue did tend to be stilted and unnatural in places, particularly Thomas calling Charles by 'brother', which seemed a bit awkward. It didn't flow quite like normal speech, which made reading it a tad tedious. I get the feeling that this was due to the setting of the story. Having speech appropriate to the time and place the story is set in is important, but even more so is making sure that speech sounds natural. Listen to people around you on a day-to-day basis; how do they form their sentences, where do they pause, what are their facial expressions or movements while they speak? Knowing all of these will help you to improve the flow of your dialogue.
Also, I noticed you do a lot of 'telling' instead of 'showing' – by that, I mean that you state explicitly to the reader what the characters are feeling or doing, rather than describing their movements and body language, or letting their dialogue and thoughts reveal things about their character or emotions. You can also reveal a lot about relationships between characters and the setting through 'showing'. The idea behind the 'show, don't tell' concept is that the reader works out for themselves what the character is feeling, where they are, what they're doing, etc. To use an example from your story, instead of 'telling' the reader that Thomas is angry with Charles, you could 'show' them by describing Thomas' agitated actions or communicate his irritation through his dialogue. Here's an example of how you could 'show' the first scene:
'Thomas shoved another shirt into his trunk, glowering at the pile of garments that formed a messy layer across the bottom of the case. "I still don't understand why we have to leave so early. Why can't we start our journey tomorrow afternoon instead?"
Charles sighed and shook his head. "I've told you before, Thomas; if we do that, we will get there late at night. It's dangerous after dark." Seeing his brother frown, he added, "Thieves might be waiting to waylay us."
Thomas abandoned his half-finished packing and crossed his arms. "Well, the same thing could happen in the morning, too!"
"Don't be a fool," Charles snapped, his calm facade slipping as exasperation finally overcame him. "Haven't you heard that bandits prefer the night to the day?"
Thomas looked at his feet and muttered, "Just because you're older doesn't mean you know everything," before turning back to his packing, shoulders hunched in disappointment.'
That's a simple example of how you can use 'showing' to let the reader know details about the character without explicitly telling them. For instance, Thomas shoving the shirt into his case and glaring at it demonstrates that he is angry – the reader can work that out for themselves without you having to say 'Thomas was angry'. The clothing that Thomas puts into his case can let the reader know what time period the story is set in. Are his clothes modern t-shirts and jeans or period clothing? Is he putting them into a modern suitcase, a backpack or, perhaps, a trunk? Is the case worn and cheap, or new and expensive? Small details like those hint information about the characters to the reader.
Well, I hope this comment has helped! Happy writing :)
Well i do think my dilouge is unnatural at places, i'll rewrite this chapter in a better way.Anyway, thanks for the advice.
I find the dilouge almost as if English is not the writers first language. If you were discribing the brothers coming from an area of Germatic descent then that would make it more interesting with the dilouge as it is. I find speach used in different regions can help difine the characters in the story.
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