The Fire Within - Heidi Cooper

This was a very good first chapter. I was very intrigued by her very detailed dream, the feelings she got in the house and her visit to the different rooms. Then you left off when it starts getting really interesting, making me want to read on. I do find your choice of words a bit unnatural in some places, but don't listen to me here as I'm not a native;) another thing is that I didn't really get a feel of her character, perhaps something to think about.
I think this story could go anywhere from here and I think I'll read on to see if it strikes me further:)

wow, this first chapter was very well-written! I love how
descriptive you were when defining the rooms that she was
in. Awesome first chapter!!

Another well crafted story. Personally, I'm a description person and could go on for pages about anything, so I really like the amount of depth and detail you go into with your descriptions; I could imagine the house and its rooms perfectly with your vivid descriptions. I would possibly suggest maybe breaking down some of the paragraphs a little more (again, my fussy-self coming into play), particularly the last one. You set the atmosphere well, and I liked how you managed to give us some information about her family without breaking the flow of the story. Her grandmother's mentioned, but with reference to a scent, so it's not just randomly put in there and makes a more logical flow. I did like the ending, but with the way this amulet had appeared randomly, I felt it could've been a little more dramatic. It does leave the reader hanging, but maybe end it on what this amulet is going to do (e.g. blow up, etc.) Leave the reader hanging off the cliff with a cliffhanger- show no mercy! *evil laugh* Or, if you'd prefer to leave it as it is, you could maybe give the last line a line of its own to make it stand out more and dramatise it. Again, these are only suggestions. You have an interesting start here and are very good at drawing the reader in. I don't usually like fantasy, so I can't promise I'll stick with you the whole way through (nothing to do with your writing, just me and my fussy ways), but I quite like this start and would like to read more. Really good job :) *and sorry for such a long comment*

Ooohh I like this, it's creepy. It's 2.30 in the morning and I'm saying I like spooky stuff...I am officially warped!
I love that line 'the house called me back downstairs with it's silent tongue.' Great metaphor and even more atmosphere created by using it. Just goes to show you don't need a lot of words to make a picture. It's how you use them in order that the reader is able to visualise the scene for themselves.
I'll try to read more tomorrow...I mean later...when normal people are around. X

I really enjoyed reading this. The way you spun the tale and made the imagination work is amazing! Your descriptions are vivid and full of life. I could imagine myself in the house or the alley. Your story is one of a few that I have found to catch my attention and hold it until the last word, making me want to read on.
I do agree with Smircle that the last paragraph could perhaps be broken up, but it could go fine like it is. I like a good cliffhanger myself and yours was definitely hanging! Overall the chapter was very well written and pulled the reader in like a warm hug from a grandmother :). (That was a really good metaphor by the way!)
Bringing the bit in about her friends made the story seem more real. It is hard to blend something like that into a story without ruining it, but you managed to pull it off splendidly! The amulet sounded pretty cool (along with the blue thing) and it was easy to imagine how it looked. I personally love fantasy stories, (which is part of the reason why I wanted to review it) so I'm most certainly going to push the 'like' button. Although with the way you've written the first chapter it wouldn't have to be fantasy and I would still enjoy the imaginative structure. Keep up the good work!

This really grabbed my attention. I loved the details and the supernatural feel to it. Curious to see what is really going on. Great beginning.

I love your passion in here. Your descriptive style fits in most places. There are other areas, like comparing the black sky to droplets on rose petals in the morning...It is very difficult...descriptive writing...The description of the setting is perfect. There is only a vague description of the girl, which leaves much desired. I really want to know the motive behind her night time adventures...You have a lot of potential, keep working at it =)

I loved this. It was a great start to a story, it captured my attention, and presented questions to keep me interested, and wanting to see what happens. You described the dream perfectly, so that I could imagine the place within my mind, as she wandered the rooms. You stuck to one idea throughout the chapter, and you portrayed that idea perfectly. The idea, of the main character having dreams every night. I didn't get to learn much about the character, but that's not much of an issue as I'm guessing I will learn more about her in the next few chapters. You gave a perfect amount of detail and information, and you didn't get sidetracked with things that weren't important. You stuck to the chapters theme, about a dream.

Thank you for inviting me to look at your novel, Heidi. I don't usually take time to read novels on Booksie. I prefer short stories; but since you asked me nicely, I have had a look at your prologue. I like what I have seen. The Prologue is easy to read and I didn't trip over any grammatical distractions. You are skilled at painting word pictures. This helps a lot in setting the scene and creating atmosphere. Some writers tend to clutter their work with unnecessary detail, but I think you have the balance just about right. I think it important to leave a certain amount to the reader's imagination. Some of your readers said they would like a description of the protagonist. I didn't feel that need because the summary already offers a sufficient description. Even without that information, I could tell from the prologue that the protagonist is a young girl, probably in her early teens. Since this is a novel, I expect that a reader would learn more about her in subsequent chapters. In my humble opinion, the prologue is very well written. The story so far is sufficiently intriguing to make me want to read more. ~ Joe

Very interesting beginning that pulled me right in.

I like the way you describe things to kind of help us picture. I don't know if I make sense. For example where you talked about the night. The stars in the sky like glitter on a black cocktail dress. I never would have imagined to give that description. It worked great. Interesting beginning. :)

Thank you for the invite. I truly enjoyed this chapter. I felt like I was in the house with her and experiencing those feelings as we trekked from one room to the other. Well done. My only feedback would be since she seemed unsure as to what to make of the eerie events taking place in front of her, she wouldn't just reach in and grab the chain. Perhaps something in the line of. *I cautiously reached out with my trembling hand and snatched it. This is just my cheap two-cents opinion, you don't have to buy into it.

This is an interesting story, and you've really left it on a hanger. I wanted to leave you some constructive feedback, so I dropped you a PM to save clogging up your comments section :-)

I don't like female protagonists; they're almost always boring Mary Sues. 'The Special Girl'. So far...yours seems to be the same.

THAT SAID.

I like your writing. The style is a little dry for me- I like snark and humor, especally in first person- but your pose is very pretty and draws you in very well. I think there needs to be more life here, at least from just the first chapter, but a lot of potential.