The Fire Within - Heidi Cooper
Reads: 6504 | Likes: 9 | Shelves: 10 | Comments: 59
Book by: H D Cooper
Prolog (v.1) - Prologue
Prologue
It had happened before, this dream.
The breeze was cool on my face as I stepped out into the crisp night air. I ambled through the display of lime and emerald green trees, drawn to the house as I had been many times before. I don’t know what led me there every night but I kept walking anyway, letting my feet guide me along the cobble stone path. A few stars dotted the evening sky like diamonds scattered over a black cocktail dress. I inhaled the fresh air and looked out upon the landscape before me, taking in everything different and yet, so familiar.
There was no movement on this particular night other than the steady shuffling of my feet. Everything took on an eerie calm almost as if it were a ghost town. It didn’t bother me though, because for as long as I could remember I actually preferred the quiet. Often I would find myself in a secluded place with nothing but a book in my hand, a slight breeze bringing a cool and welcome touch to my skin and perhaps the sound of the waves gently lapping against the sand.
Taking a left at the end of the footpath, I simply allowed my feet to carry me forward. Something was drawing me, reaching out towards me in my dreams with gentle, persuading hands and beckoning me to return. I crossed the road and headed through the alleyway adjacent to the house with the brown thatched roof and protruding attic windows. Somewhere off in the distance, a dog barked. My pace quickened, as I was eager to get to my destination, even though I had no idea why my dreams kept taking me to it. All I knew was that I had the overwhelming desire to be there, a common occurrence for me every time I surrendered to a slumber.
As I rounded the corner the house rose up in front of me like an audience giving a standing ovation. The street lights were dim and barely cast a glow on the asphalt and sidewalk below adding to the eeriness of the evening. The stairs leading up to the double stained glass doors called me forth, practically begging me to ascend them. I accepted and gingerly rose up the steps. The doors opened unexpectedly and intuitively I entered.
I crossed the threshold and proceeded to walk down the hallway to the main living space. My dreams were odd enough already but it was even more unusual to me that no one seemed to reside there. There was furniture though. Modern, lived-in looking furniture.
A huge mantled fireplace stood on the wall opposite the arched entrance to the lounge room. Within the fireplace were a pile of ashes, suggesting that it had been lit at some point. Dark drapes made out of thick, heavy woven fabric hung loosely in front of the gorgeous bay windows. In large part it was always the same, except things seemed to move or change slightly between visits.
Usually in my dreams nothing much would happen. I would simply visit the house, stay awhile and then wake up. The house held some sort of magnetic appeal for me. To me, it felt like a home away from home and the compulsion to return there was so strong that I looked forward to going to sleep every night. No one knew about this apart from my friends and they all thought I was bat shit crazy. Even my best friend Helena thought I was a few sandwiches short of a picnic. I guess she just couldn’t fathom how important this “dream house” was to me, and to be honest, I didn’t understand why it was so important either.
I felt comfortable there; absolutely and irrevocably comfortable. When I entered the house all of my worries and cares just drifted away. It was like nothing was important enough to worry about. The only time I ever felt that way was when my Grandmother was still alive. She made me feel comfortable, safe and dissolved my troubles with a simple hug. Of course I knew that sounded completely ridiculous, but I can only describe how it felt. Being within those walls gave me the same feeling my Grandmother hugging me did; how she held me so tight that I practically got swallowed up by her. In a good way. Sometimes it felt more like home than my actual home did.
The lounge room was particularly enchanting that night, even more so than the house itself. It had always been my favourite room since I had started having those dreams. I walked over to one of the bay windows and peered out. It was still so eerily quiet outside, even the dog had not barked again since I was in the alleyway. I smiled as I took it all in; the quiet, the ambience of the house and the feeling it always gave me whilst I was standing within its walls. The house possessed some sort of magical properties and it wouldn’t matter how stressful my day was; as soon as I entered the house I felt a calm wash over me. My problems just washed away like a cleansing tide.
As I walked back towards the double glass doors, I decided to turn left and head up the flight of stairs leading towards the bedrooms and the bathroom. The bathroom was not unlike any other, tiled and cool. This one though spanned quite a large area, complete with spa bath along with all the usual amenities every bathroom has. It also had lights that at first glance looked incredibly like candles. Even the “flames” appeared to dance and sing to some kind of music that only they seemed to hear. There was a full length mirror, from floor to ceiling covering the right side wall and thick bath sheets hung folded in half over solid stainless steel fixtures. I casually glanced toward the light switch and flicked it off and back on. The candles ignited all at once as if by magic.
The house called me back down stairs with its silent tongue. I felt the wooden stairs shift a little under my weight as I made my descent; the sound of them creaking echoed through the house as I was drawn back towards the lounge room. As I entered the room I felt an overwhelming tingly, warm sensation course through my body, from head to toes and everything in between. I stretched and breathed in through my nose; the smell of jasmine and frangipani was pleasantly overwhelming. A memory of my Grandmother lighting scented candles throughout her house filled my thoughts. Sadly she passed away about a year ago. Each night she would light those candles and let them burn for a few hours while we sat and drank hot chocolate with marsh mellows and chatted away happily together.
Returning to the lounge room I immediately noticed something was different. As I walked closer to the fireplace the tingling sensations in my body reached a crescendo. I looked above the mantle of the fireplace and a strange blue glow captured my attention. The pull towards this glowing blue light was hypnotic; like moth to a flame. As I drew nearer it started to take the shape of some kind of symbol. I sucked in a breath and reached towards it tentatively with my fingertips. As they brushed over the surface of the symbol it sent an enormous surge of energy rippling through my body.
The fireplace came to life with an eruption of flames forcing me to leap backwards in surprise. When I gathered my wits and looked into the flames, they suddenly died down, leaving only glowing burnt orange embers. I walked carefully towards the fireplace, not taking my eyes off the embers. I bent down and looked at them intently. Something was telling me that the house was going to great lengths to show me something, but what?
I peered closely into the gradually dying embers and noticed a strange blue glow coming from within them, much like the one I had witnessed above the mantle. The blue glow pulsed once then fizzled out completely. In its wake was a chain with an amulet attached.
I reached in to grab it…
© Copyright 2019 H D Cooper. All rights reserved.
Chapters
Comments
This was a very good first chapter. I was very intrigued by her very detailed dream, the feelings she got in the house and her visit to the different rooms. Then you left off when it starts getting really interesting, making me want to read on. I do find your choice of words a bit unnatural in some places, but don't listen to me here as I'm not a native;) another thing is that I didn't really get a feel of her character, perhaps something to think about.
I think this story could go anywhere from here and I think I'll read on to see if it strikes me further:)
Author
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Thank you very much for your feedback. As I said it is still a work in progress and things may be edited and tweaked a little but thanks so much for the advice. :-)
wow, this first chapter was very well-written! I love how
descriptive you were when defining the rooms that she was
in. Awesome first chapter!!
Author
Reply
Wow. Thank you very much for the feedback. :-) I am glad you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Another well crafted story. Personally, I'm a description person and could go on for pages about anything, so I really like the amount of depth and detail you go into with your descriptions; I could imagine the house and its rooms perfectly with your vivid descriptions. I would possibly suggest maybe breaking down some of the paragraphs a little more (again, my fussy-self coming into play), particularly the last one. You set the atmosphere well, and I liked how you managed to give us some information about her family without breaking the flow of the story. Her grandmother's mentioned, but with reference to a scent, so it's not just randomly put in there and makes a more logical flow. I did like the ending, but with the way this amulet had appeared randomly, I felt it could've been a little more dramatic. It does leave the reader hanging, but maybe end it on what this amulet is going to do (e.g. blow up, etc.) Leave the reader hanging off the cliff with a cliffhanger- show no mercy! *evil laugh* Or, if you'd prefer to leave it as it is, you could maybe give the last line a line of its own to make it stand out more and dramatise it. Again, these are only suggestions. You have an interesting start here and are very good at drawing the reader in. I don't usually like fantasy, so I can't promise I'll stick with you the whole way through (nothing to do with your writing, just me and my fussy ways), but I quite like this start and would like to read more. Really good job :) *and sorry for such a long comment*
Author
Reply
Haha I like long comments. Thanks again for taking the time to read it and providing feedback. As I said it is still a work in progress and I want to make it as close to perfect as possible before it's completed. I intend to publish this one so I will take any advice you have on it. Thanks so much again for your kind words, good advice and support.
Ooohh I like this, it's creepy. It's 2.30 in the morning and I'm saying I like spooky stuff...I am officially warped!
I love that line 'the house called me back downstairs with it's silent tongue.' Great metaphor and even more atmosphere created by using it. Just goes to show you don't need a lot of words to make a picture. It's how you use them in order that the reader is able to visualise the scene for themselves.
I'll try to read more tomorrow...I mean later...when normal people are around. X
Author
Reply
Hahaha Aw thanks, dear. As always your feedback is so appreciated. Thanks for reading and I am glad you are enjoying it thus far. :-)
I really enjoyed reading this. The way you spun the tale and made the imagination work is amazing! Your descriptions are vivid and full of life. I could imagine myself in the house or the alley. Your story is one of a few that I have found to catch my attention and hold it until the last word, making me want to read on.
I do agree with Smircle that the last paragraph could perhaps be broken up, but it could go fine like it is. I like a good cliffhanger myself and yours was definitely hanging! Overall the chapter was very well written and pulled the reader in like a warm hug from a grandmother :). (That was a really good metaphor by the way!)
Bringing the bit in about her friends made the story seem more real. It is hard to blend something like that into a story without ruining it, but you managed to pull it off splendidly! The amulet sounded pretty cool (along with the blue thing) and it was easy to imagine how it looked. I personally love fantasy stories, (which is part of the reason why I wanted to review it) so I'm most certainly going to push the 'like' button. Although with the way you've written the first chapter it wouldn't have to be fantasy and I would still enjoy the imaginative structure. Keep up the good work!
Author
Reply
Wow! Thank you so much! I am glad you enjoyed it :-)
This really grabbed my attention. I loved the details and the supernatural feel to it. Curious to see what is really going on. Great beginning.
Author
Reply
Thanks so much, Criss x
I love your passion in here. Your descriptive style fits in most places. There are other areas, like comparing the black sky to droplets on rose petals in the morning...It is very difficult...descriptive writing...The description of the setting is perfect. There is only a vague description of the girl, which leaves much desired. I really want to know the motive behind her night time adventures...You have a lot of potential, keep working at it =)
Author
Reply
Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to provide feedback =)
I loved this. It was a great start to a story, it captured my attention, and presented questions to keep me interested, and wanting to see what happens. You described the dream perfectly, so that I could imagine the place within my mind, as she wandered the rooms. You stuck to one idea throughout the chapter, and you portrayed that idea perfectly. The idea, of the main character having dreams every night. I didn't get to learn much about the character, but that's not much of an issue as I'm guessing I will learn more about her in the next few chapters. You gave a perfect amount of detail and information, and you didn't get sidetracked with things that weren't important. You stuck to the chapters theme, about a dream.
Author
Reply
Thanks so much for reading, Shadow! :-)
I am glad you enjoyed it. The character development does take place in the following chapters.
Thanks for your kind words. x
Thank you for inviting me to look at your novel, Heidi. I don't usually take time to read novels on Booksie. I prefer short stories; but since you asked me nicely, I have had a look at your prologue. I like what I have seen. The Prologue is easy to read and I didn't trip over any grammatical distractions. You are skilled at painting word pictures. This helps a lot in setting the scene and creating atmosphere. Some writers tend to clutter their work with unnecessary detail, but I think you have the balance just about right. I think it important to leave a certain amount to the reader's imagination. Some of your readers said they would like a description of the protagonist. I didn't feel that need because the summary already offers a sufficient description. Even without that information, I could tell from the prologue that the protagonist is a young girl, probably in her early teens. Since this is a novel, I expect that a reader would learn more about her in subsequent chapters. In my humble opinion, the prologue is very well written. The story so far is sufficiently intriguing to make me want to read more. ~ Joe
Author
Reply
Hi Joe!
Thanks so much for taking the time to read it. I am glad you enjoyed it.
Thanks for the positive feedback, I truly appreciate it. :-)
Heidi.
Very interesting beginning that pulled me right in.
Author
Reply
Thanks so much, Sylvermyst. :-)
I like the way you describe things to kind of help us picture. I don't know if I make sense. For example where you talked about the night. The stars in the sky like glitter on a black cocktail dress. I never would have imagined to give that description. It worked great. Interesting beginning. :)
Author
Reply
Thanks so much, Zefyr. ????
I am glad you liked it.
Thank you for the invite. I truly enjoyed this chapter. I felt like I was in the house with her and experiencing those feelings as we trekked from one room to the other. Well done. My only feedback would be since she seemed unsure as to what to make of the eerie events taking place in front of her, she wouldn't just reach in and grab the chain. Perhaps something in the line of. *I cautiously reached out with my trembling hand and snatched it. This is just my cheap two-cents opinion, you don't have to buy into it.
This is an interesting story, and you've really left it on a hanger. I wanted to leave you some constructive feedback, so I dropped you a PM to save clogging up your comments section :-)
Unknown
I don't like female protagonists; they're almost always boring Mary Sues. 'The Special Girl'. So far...yours seems to be the same.
THAT SAID.
I like your writing. The style is a little dry for me- I like snark and humor, especally in first person- but your pose is very pretty and draws you in very well. I think there needs to be more life here, at least from just the first chapter, but a lot of potential.
i love it :)
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