Comments: 16
The window in my bedroom was open when I walked in. Rain had soaked the carpet and the wind was doing its best to lower the temperature at least ten degrees. I dropped my purse at the foot of my bed and kicked off my heels before shoving the window closed. I couldn’t imagine why my mother had opened the window in weather like this. Then again, it had been sunny earlier. The hurricane had snuck up on everyone.
I flicked the light on in the bathroom and squinted at myself in the mirror. Wet blonde hair clung to my neck and shoulders. At least my mascara and eyeliner held intact. My big, dark chocolate ‘doe’ eyes complemented my tanned skin perfectly. Chandra and I believed a bit of vanity was good for the soul.
I went to shut the blinds on the bathroom window that looked out onto the street. A car was slowly circling around the dead end. I squinted at it through the sheets of rain, but was unable to tell what color it was. It didn't look familiar. I dropped the blinds closed before undressing and climbed into the comforting warmth of the shower.
Some time later, I stepped out and dried off, wrapping myself snugly in the soft, fuzzy red robe that hung on the bathroom door. Before going back to my bedroom I peeked out the window again. The car that had been circling was turned off and parked across the street. I couldn’t tell if there was anyone in it. It was probably just someone visiting Mrs. Gradfield, my cat lady neighbor.
I went back to my room with the intention of charging my phone, but wasn't in my bag. I sighed. This was just not my night. It could have fallen out of my purse anywhere; in Jamie's car, where I had ran from my car to his. It could have even fallen into my own car. It didn't matter, I'd take care of that tomorrow.
I was a little ticked off that none of my family had bothered to contact me. Emmett was probably spending the night at a friends' house before camp in the morning, and my parents had simply decided to go for a late dinner. I shrugged it off and curled into bed, flicking on the television across from where I lay. The rain made a steady pattern on the roof and I was soon fast asleep.
***
“I’ll take a grande, iced, non-fat, decaf mocha latte, with two shots of caramel and whipped cream.”
“Coming right up,” the man behind the register told me, marking down my order on the plastic cup.
I grabbed my drink and knocked my Chanel sunglasses down from my head, onto my eyes. As I strode across the parking lot I glanced over my shoulder. It was a classic boy scope move. One guy was walking behind me and to the left, eyes on his feet. He slipped into a seaweed green Saturn parked a few rows behind my flame red Porsche Carrere that was actually my mother's. My dead Camaro had been towed from the beach this morning. I wasn't complaining though and I couldn’t suppress smile as I climbed into it. Right; money can’t buy happiness.
I rolled the top of the car down as I backed out of the parking lot. I pulled up to a red light next to a cheap convertible, practically spilling over with boys. They whistled at me, so I gave them the benefit of my flawless smile. When the light turned green I stepped on the gas and shot forward. Talk about playing hard to get.
A few minutes later I drove up to the beach. Brett hadn't called me back, but I decided that he probably didn't get the message I left him last night and figured the plan to meet up was still a go. I grabbed my towel and my iPod, slipping off my flip-flops once I stepped onto the warm sand. There was no sign of last night's hurricane aside from the still somewhat angry waves. It was warm, probably in the high 90's, and a gentle breeze prevented the weather from being overly hot.
I stripped out of my shorts and halter to just my bikini. I flapped out my beach towel and stretched out on it, tilting my face to the sun and popping my iPod headphones into my ears. I thought back to the events of the previous night. Jamie so hadn't been in to me. I wasn't used to that, and I had to admit that my ego was somewhat wounded.
I was close to sleep when a gentle hand forced my eyes to snap open in surprise only to see Jamie leaning over me, his head illuminated by the sun. He was more attractive than I remembered. He'd managed to, literally, cause my heart to jump both times we met.
I smiled, sitting up and shutting my iPod off hastily.
“Jeez, your hearing is awful. I've been calling your name for like five minutes.”
I laughed. “I was listening to music,” I explained needlessly as he sat beside me on the sand.
“I think this belongs to you,” Jamie said, retrieving my cell phone from his pocket. “I found it under the passenger's seat this morning.”
“Ah, thanks! I had wondered where this went,” I said, taking it from him and tossing it unto my bag. There was no point in turning it on if there had been no charge in it last night. “How'd you know where to find me?”
“You mentioned you were coming to the beach today, so I gave it a shot,” he smiled. His hair was a milk chocolate brown. The sun threw caramel tints across where the light hit it. His even teeth weren't overly dazzling against his natural, tanned-looking skin. “Where's the boyfriend?” he asked curiously, looking around.
“Not here yet,” I said, frowning slightly. I wonder why Brett was so late. I had been at the beach for more than an hour now. It wasn't like him. “He probably just got caught up with packing.”
“Probably,” Jamie said, his eyes going out of focus as he looked out towards the waves. After a minute he turned back to me as if just returning to reality. “So what's the deal with your car?”
“It was towed this morning. They said the battery must've gotten too waterlogged in the rain last night. I borrowed my mom's car today.”
“You saw your parents this morning?”
I shook my head. “They must have gotten home after I fell asleep and left before I woke up. The other car was gone.”
I jumped to my feet. “Come on, let's go swimming,” I suggested, taking a step towards the water.
Jamie scrunched up his face and shook his head.
“Don't be a baby, the water's not that cold,” I laughed.
“Salt water isn't really my friend. Besides-” he gestured at his attire. I guess ocean water could damage the jeans he was wearing.
I rolled my eyes, pulling my shorts on and plopping back down next to him.
“What time is it?” I asked.
He checked his phone. “3:30”
“Wow, already? Brett's flight is at 5. He has to be on the way to the airport already,” I grimaced. He never blew me off.
“I'm sorry.”
I shrugged.
“Hey, let's go somewhere.”
I raised my eyebrows at him. “Like where?”
He put on a thoughtful face, then smiled. “How about I surprise you?”
“Mmm, I don't know if I like surprises.”
He got to his feet and held out his hand to me. The blinding sun behind his face blacked out his features.“Oh, come on. Don't you trust me?”
Submitted: March 02, 2010
© Copyright 2023 heyalex. All rights reserved.
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Thanks for the welcome to the site :) Am so glad you nudged me in the direction of your work lol. It's very good, I feel like Jamie isn't all that he appears to be! Update soon, can't wait to read more! :)
Fri, March 5th, 2010 8:58pm
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Hehe, no thank YOU for reading! ;]
Sat, March 6th, 2010 9:31am
to lie on the floor without holding on
No, Jamie, I don't trust you at all. But I don't trust girls with Chanel sunglasses either, I've never heard anything good from them x3 It's a great read so far!
Sat, March 6th, 2010 11:26pm
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Hahaha. This comment made me smile. You have definitely got to watch out for the girls who buy designer sunglasses. No good can come of that!
Thanks for reading!
Haha. I was like 'WHAT!' when she said it was 90 degree's...then I remembered Americans measure temperature in fahrenheit. xD
Gret chapter. Is Jamie going to turn out to be some Nutcase that's murdered her boyfriend and kidnapped her family? Because things are all seeming a bit weird. "/ I'd probably be really freaked out if I was her.
I love this so far, and I'm looking forward to see where it leads. :D Update soon, and please let me know when you do. ^-^
Zoe. x
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A nutcase who murdered her boyfriend and family? That would be quite the surprise, even to me! I guess we'll see what kind of psycho he is. If he is a psycho. Hmmm...
Sun, March 7th, 2010 8:04pm
This Jamie fellow is kinda shady but this is great (: let me know if you update :D
Fri, March 12th, 2010 3:13pm
Author
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Indeed he is. Thanks for reading and commenting! =]
Fri, March 12th, 2010 12:06pm
“I’ll take a grande, iced, non-fat, decaf mocha latte, with two shots of caramel and whipped cream.” -- Non-fat with whipped cream. Ahahah! I do the same thing!! xD
"I’d changed and beautified before stopping at Starbucks where I was now." -- This is the second time you mention Starbucks by name in a short period of time. I would take out the first mention, simply sufficing with "wrote down my order." Also, I don't think you need "where I was now." - that's a given from her order. Even if the reader doesn't know Starbucks, they can assume it's a coffee shop.
"One guy was walking behind me and kind of to the left, eyes on his feet." -- Kind of to the left is vague. He was either to the left or not. ;)
"was actually my mothers." -- mother's.
"I gave them the benefit of my flawless smile." -- I love this. She's such a tease. xD
"Jamie had been so not in to me." -- I realize that Thea probably talks like this but it's contradictory. Had been not into me? ;) Suffice with "Jamie hadn't been into me."
"“Jeez, you're hearing is awful." -- YOUR.
"passengers seat" -- Passenger's seat.
"“Oh, come on. Don't you trust me?”" -- Not really. [laughs]
--
Ok.. Work on that editing missy. ;)
Definitely better chapter, though not as good as the first. :)
One little thing - don't try so hard with trying build suspense that her parents and Brett are nowhere to be seen. For example, when she wakes up in the morning, don't even mention her parents.
Then, when Jamie asks her about it, she could say it isn't unusual for them to be gone before she wakes up. Again, Thea is oblivious but the reader knows something is up because Jamie asked. It adds suspense for the reader in this way and also, again, because we're worried for Thea. It's a fine like, of course, since you don't want to dumb down your character but again, if you do so in a way where things are only SLIGHTLY out of order, the reader will notice it but Thea doesn't. This is far more realistic, I thinks. :)
Same thing with Brett. You want to drop enough clues for the reader to become aware but not so many that they become overwhelmed, even annoyed. Makes sense? :)
So just go back and tidy up your writing. Edit the grammatical errors and focus on really cleaning up your story. Remember that EVERY sentence has to do one of two things: Propel the action forward or build the character. If a sentence doesn't do one of those two things, TAKE IT OUT! :) I know it's hard since you become attached to your writing but it's a necessary process to create better and better stories. :)
Never stop editing! :)
Still, I'm intrigued and excited for the next chapter! Keep me updated on my profile, please. :)
Author
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Again with all the wonderful criticisms. I appreciate this so much! I deleted the second chapter, because you pointed out that it wasn't all that important and didn't need to stand alone. I added it to the third chapter instead of the first for the sake of not making either chapter too lengthy. Thank you so much!
Fri, March 12th, 2010 12:10pm
Ah, all that commendation to edit and my post is sprinkled with errors. Oh the irony. ;)
*definitely A better chapter.
*fine LINE.
*MAKE sense.
Author
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Silly Canadian
Sat, March 13th, 2010 8:59am
wah I can't wait to read more of this!! Keep it coming!
Fri, March 12th, 2010 10:50pm
Author
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wah! Haha, I'll try to update eventually. Thanks so much for reading!
Sat, March 13th, 2010 8:56am
"Don't you trust me?" is like saying "You shouldn't trust me." And yet she doesn't notice. Advice, don't trust every random guy around!LOL.:)
Fri, March 12th, 2010 11:21pm
Author
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That is excellent advice ;] Hehe, thanks for reading/commenting!
Sat, March 13th, 2010 8:55am
Lol, no, I don't trust him. He's 21, he could be legally drunk for all I know. Update? :)
Sat, March 13th, 2010 10:34pm
Author
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That's true, he could be. Better watch out for those 21 year olds! Update comin' up, ma'am.
Wed, March 17th, 2010 7:35am
Wow, really like this :) And there is DEFINATLY something up with Jamie! :S What is it though? :P
Love it, very real, but with a slight undercurrent of something - the fact that she hasn't seen her family/boyfriend put me on edge lol.
Please keep me updated, liking this very much! :) xx
Author
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Everyone is very suspicious of Jamie! Haha, and with good reason.
Thanks so much for reading/commenting! =D
really good so far! keep me updated!
Sun, March 28th, 2010 3:11pm
Author
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Why thank you, I shall indeed. ;]
Sat, April 3rd, 2010 1:28pm
I love this, you have such a good storyline. Keep me updated :3 Gave it and 'ilikeit' to by the way :)
Sat, April 10th, 2010 1:08am
Author
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Thanks so much! At first, I liked the storyline, but I'm in such a rut now. :/ Hopefully, I'll update eventually. Than you for reading, liking, and commenting! It means a lot.
Sat, April 10th, 2010 12:05pm
Good chapter,, can't wait to read more of it!! Let me know when you update it! :)
Thu, April 15th, 2010 4:44am
Author
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If I ever do update, I shall let you know. ;] Thanks for reading.
Fri, April 16th, 2010 10:00am
Great chapter!
Oh, and i forgot to mention this before, but thanks for the welcome! Hmmm, I just ooked a t the tags for ths.
Science fiction?
Super human?
Interesting....;)
I hope you update this, but it says this was posted a couple months ago ): II hope you update! XD
Author
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You are welcome for the welcome. Thank YOU for reading and commenting! :]
Wed, May 12th, 2010 12:16am
update =)
Mon, May 24th, 2010 3:55pm
Author
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Ok, you asked for it... ;]
Tue, September 7th, 2010 3:16amFacebook Comments
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EdwardJBradleySr
heyalex:
Fri, March 5th, 2010 2:18amWell written and presented. Interesting and suspenseful too. The story-line moves right along.
Gave an "I Like It" vote to each chapter. For both of your postings. All well deserved.
Thank you for becoming a fan. Most appreciative.
Happy trails,
Ed Bradley.
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Thank you! =]
Fri, March 5th, 2010 5:09am