Steps I Took To Live

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

Follow a girl as she tells her story of finding life again. She opens herself up to make mistakes and learn from everything and everyone. She discovers what it means to get a life, and she makes hers exactly what she wants it to be.

Chapter 1 (v.1) - Steps I Took To Live

Submitted: January 09, 2014

Reads: 220

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Submitted: January 09, 2014

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“Don't you ever get the feeling that all your life is going by and you're not taking advantage of it? Do you realize you've lived nearly half the time you have to live already?” –Ernest Hemingway

For a brief moment she tried to quell the excitement that was forming in her chest. Three weeks away had made her quiet anxious to be back home, and when she found the disaster that was her broken, leaking sink she couldn’t even pretend to be upset by it. She rushed around the apartment in an apprehensive whirlwind, mentally noting all that needed to be done before her sink could be repaired. Start a load of laundry, vacuum, clean the dishes, fold the clothes—the list went on and on.  As she loaded herself down with the stress of everything that was yet to be done, she could feel the eagerness well inside of her.

It seemed as if the only people she had come in contact with lately were the ones whom she had known all her life. As comfortable as it was, it was also beginning to depress her deeply. She wanted adventure in her life. She wanted to go out and do things that she would ultimately regret for the rest of her life, but that she would also never forget. She wanted to meet strange, interesting people. She wanted to fall in love with a stranger in some far off foreign land only to have fate tear them apart.  She wanted to live.

She had always been so average in her goals. Pass this class, graduate from this school, date this boy, go to this college, graduate, get this job, and then live happily ever after. It seemed so perfectly planned—a cookie-cutter life that less-fortunate individuals would love to have. She saw how lucky she was, it wasn’t as if she wasn’t grateful for all that she had, but she had the aching feeling that she was missing out on the life she was truly supposed to be leading. She felt as if there were more for her future than just the normalcies she was accustomed to.

She forcefully pushed her musings far from her mind, as she silently brought herself back down to the here and now. She mechanically picked clothes from the floor and loaded them into the washing machine without paying any real attention to the menial task. It was always hard to pull herself away from the thoughts of the fulfilled life she had dreamt up for herself. The reality of a dirty apartment with maintenance problems galore was a familiar slap in the face—one that she had become all too accustomed to. She had long ago stopped becoming sick to her stomach at the thought of living this boring life forever. She was ultimately resigned to her fate.

As her to-do list dwindled down to nothing her apprehension grew, and she found herself in dire need of a long hot shower. The minutes ticked away as she stood in the shower thinking over her life and letting the hot water sooth her tightly-wound muscles. As she stepped out of the shower she reached for her phone where it on the counter. The time was five-thirty and a bit of her anxiety melted away at the thought that her broken sink would have to wait until tomorrow to be fixed.

As she lay in the bed, the soft linen sheets caressing her naked skin, she turned on her side and pretended to be looking into the eyes of a lost lover. She imagined how masculine he would be, what he would smell like, and how he would look at her with his dark eyes, opening his soul up to her. A shrill text tone jerked her from her lovely reverie, and she quickly read the goodnight text message from her boyfriend, sent back a lengthy—yet emotionless—reply, and laid her phone gently back down.

Was it love? Was that what was making her feel like her life was a slow torturous failure. Did she need to go off on some elaborate, soul-searching expedition to find her other-half and complete her life fully? She thought not. Basing the fulfillment of her life on a man seemed a ludicrous and pathetic idea to her. But the thought of a soul-searching expedition hit a nerve, and she found herself growing excited at the thought of packing her bags in haste and boarding a flight to anywhere. Sadly though, she knew nothing like that would ever be a possibility. She lacked the funds and confidence to start such a journey, because she knew she would surely end up chickening out, feeling like a complete idiot, and coming home even more unsatisfied with life than when she first embarked.

She tried to calm her thoughts and clear her mind so she could sleep, but it never came. She lay unmoving on the bed and thought of ever mediocre moment in her life. At the time she hadn’t felt that her life had been so horribly drab but now it was as if her subconscious was mocking her for how very ordinary her life had been.

As she lay there she tried to make the best of her ever worsening mood. She needed inner peace for once in her life, that much she had figured out, but she hadn’t the slightest idea of how she would gain it. So she set her mind into motion, thinking of everything she could possibly do to get herself out of the slump where she had been permanently residing.  


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