We all have addictions
We all have fears
We all do wrong
And we all shed tears
I scribbled the words to my poem down on the back of my mini pocket notepad. It came everywhere with me, if I ever felt something I couldn’t explain I could always count on writing a poem about it instead. I knew it was stupid. I knew it was pointless, but somewhere in the back of my mind the poems seemed to help.
“Kai!” mom shouted as she burst through my bedroom door. Kai…I loved my name, it stood for willow tree, which always made me laugh because they were those trees that hang down all limp and lifeless, kind of reminded me of myself… limp and lifeless. Quickly I snapped my notepad shut and stuffed it in my blazer out of sight. I didn’t want anyone to know about them, it was my little secret. “Will you hurry up and get ready, I need to be in work early today so I’m back here to pick your sister up,” she continued. I rolled my eyes as she turned her back on me and left the room. Everything was always about her; I was always the second best. Everything was always centred on my big sister and her needs; I wish someone noticed me for a change.
It was ever since I told my family about how I was gay. From that day on I was cast aside, as if I just wasn’t good enough anymore. I couldn’t give them the grandchildren they wanted and I would never get married in a pretty church surrounded by friends and family. All of this my sister could do of course. She already given them a grandchild, something I could never do. It sounds ridiculous but even small things like picking me up from school or friends houses. Yasmin would always get picked up from work and always taken places, whereas I had to walk from school in the poring rain. It’s like I just want scream in their faces, ‘Hello, I’m your daughter too you know, but, its okay leave me to get soaked and catch pneumonia and die.’
I grabbed my eyeliner out of my make up bag, applied the dark circles around my bright blue eyes, with the mini flick at the end, quickly teased the roots of my long blonde hair and topped my look off with a neat black bow. Picking up my backpack, I left the room and headed to the car where my mom was impatiently waiting.
“Took your time didn’t you?” she said as I sat in the car.
“Sorry,” I replied. Not wanting to have any sort of conversation with her, I reached into my left pocket and pulled out my IPod. ‘Our scars remind us that the past is real’ The lyrics to Scars by Papa Roach burst through into my ears. Turning up the volume, I blocked out the world around me. This was my happy place.
Several moments later we pulled up outside the dreaded place named school. The ground was dusted with pretty white snow, like a blanket made of cotton wool. I loved snow but not when I was at school. I would enjoy the weather a lot more if I didn’t know what awaits me when I stepped out the car and on to the pathway. I hurriedly said my goodbye and braced myself for what was about to happen. As my mom drove off leaving me to walk into school alone, I was waiting for it all to start. *Smash! Smash! Smash! Smash!*
One after the other, coming from all directions. It happened every time it snowed, I was always the target. I wasn’t just the target in the snow though; I was always targeted on the way into school. If not physically, like today, it was verbally, or even a combination of both.
‘’Oi leso!” shouted some dickhead. I lightly lifted my gaze of the floor into the direction of the voice. Big mistake! A snowball hit me almost directly in my face. Great! This was what I had to contend with on a daily basis.
As I entered the doors to my school, into the so called ‘Welcoming’ environment, I brushed off the remainder of the snow and walked to my locker on the right side of the mall. The mall…this school made me laugh, everything was all so American, we all sound like American wannbe’s, but I’m not joking, my locker is on the corridor named, ‘The Mall’. I struggled to take my coat off, while carrying my bag. In the process I dropped my phone and the back and battery both crashed to the floor. I heard a group of girls laugh behind me. ‘Stay calm’ I told myself and I retrieved the bits to my phone, put it back together and shoved my coat into my locker, closing the door behind me.
I rushed off to meet my friends at the bottom of the grand staircase where we met every morning, but to my surprise no one was there. ‘Great’ I whispered under my breath as I plodded of to my form room alone. What a wonderful start to the day. When I arrived at form, I went to sit in my usual place next to one of my ‘friends’ named Alice.
“Sorry we didn’t wait for you, it was getting cold and we thought it might be warmer in here so we figured you’d be capable of making your own way” Alice said as I took my seat.
“It’s okay,” I lied, with a smile beaming across my face. It wasn’t the fact that I couldn’t walk to form alone that pissed me off, it was that no one, not even one of them had thought to wait, and they’d all come to form without me knowing I’d be alone. It was happening more and more often. I regularly sat at lunch munching away, minding my own business in my own little world while everyone else had fun and laughed and joked around me. These are what I call ‘friends’.
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