His warm body against my own exhilarated me. We were together, at last; alone, naked and in bed. It was paradise. We stayed like that- locked in each other’s embrace for a long time. I knew I had to go to work tomorrow morning, but at that point in time, I honestly couldn’t care less.
“I love you,” he whispered, his warm breath tickling my ear.
I nudged my nose against his arm and brought my eyes up to meet his. There was truth in his words, and I saw it in his eyes. A smile crossed my lips as I leant forward and rubbed my nose against his.
“I love you too,” I whispered back.
My name is Conrad Ashton. I’m 27 years old and life is shit. I mean it. OK, well maybe it’s not so bad. Another thing. I think I’m gay. Well, I don’t know. It’s complicated. All my life I’ve been living this confusing lie. I kept telling myself I wasn’t gay, but the more I thought about it, the more I didn’t mind. It didn’t matter who I loved. Love was love, and labels were for cans. I suddenly didn’t care what or who I was. I wasn’t a product with a tag … and I was free to love whoever I chose.
I woke up one morning in my apartment with these thoughts. Sleep was one thing I definitely did not get enough of. This new discovery and self realisation was amazing. I felt free from all the angst I had felt years ago when I was trying to work myself out- trying to categorise who I was.
I carefully slipped out of bed, trying to suppress a grin. The sun was pouring through the window and the room was glowing with warmth I hadn’t sensed in a long time. Catching myself in the long mirror at the other end of the room, I quickly sorted out my bed hair and walked into the bathroom.
My apartment was far from luxurious, but I wasn’t complaining. I had fallen in love with it at first sight. The open plan rooms gave an overwhelming sense of space and freedom to move. My bedroom wasn’t exactly a room per say. There was a wall at the end of the room, just behind the mirror. It belonged to the bathroom, which was the only room to have four walls. Other than that, the living room and kitchen were open plan, and I didn’t really have a dining room. The kitchen had a breakfast bar which I generally used, and there was a small table in the living room.
Nobody came to my apartment, it was just me. I didn’t usually have visitors, and I didn’t mind the set up.
I enjoyed walking around my apartment. The absence of walls let the light flood every room and cast beautiful shadows.
As I walked into the bathroom, I saw my reflection again. I was smiling. That wasn’t so common these days. Something was afoot. Today had the promise of a new start. I couldn’t fathom what it was about the dream I had night, but something made me realise … something. Lame, I know.
I closed the door behind me and slipped out of my loose grey shirt and boxers. My penis stirred, but I ignored it- it just the usual. There was work today and I didn’t want to get on the wrong side of my boss.
I moved towards the shower. Like most of the structures in the apartment, the shower was also open. There was no door, only a large curtain that stretched from the ceiling to the floor. Since I was so used to being alone, I didn’t bother to close the curtain.
I stepped into the shower and I let the cold water run down my body. I closed my eyes and angled my head upwards, moving it from side to side, rubbing my hands across my chest. Blindly, I reached out and took the shower gel from its shelf. Eyes still closed, I placed some on my hand and put it back. Turning around, I began to rub the gel into my body, loosening and lubricating my skin. The water turned warm and my body was soft and hot.
For some reason, I began to think about the dream I had the night before. I had been standing alone in the middle of a town I didn’t recognise. I remembered feeling confused and sad, but that wasn’t it- there was something else, something that ran deeper. In the distance, there had been someone else, watching from afar. I don’t know how, but I instinctively knew the figure in the distance was a man. A man I loved.
I had reached out to touch him, and suddenly, he was there in front of me. I touched his body and he came forward, what he looked like, I couldn’t remember- but as he approached me, I felt something pulse though me, something new …
My eyes jerked open, and I realised I was still in shower, the water still running. I looked down, and my penis had turned fully erect. I sighed and finished showering.
The soft white towel caressed my body, and I pulled it tightly against my body, tucking it in. I quickly blow dried my wet hair and inspected my face.
Now, I’m not usually the vain type, but like I said, there was something in the air and I wanted to look my best for it.
I looked deeply into the mirror, angling my head towards the sunlight. I ran my hand across my face and felt the stubble. A small spot was forming just by my chin. I leant forwards further, pressing my penis against the sink. Yet again, I ignored it and administered some cream to the spot. I then opened a tub of hair gel and applied just the right amount to my hair. Then, I gave my face a quick rinse and left the bathroom.
I was still pitching a tent when I reached my room. The towel was starting to give away as the erect penis pushed against it, hoping for some action. I often enjoyed lying fully naked on my bed bathing in the sunlight, just stroking it, but today I was busy.
“Sorry,” I whispered, with a small smile, dismissing the thoughts of a morning wank.
I slid off the towel and placed it on the bed. Having already laid out my clothes on the armchair the previous evening, I simply picked them up and quickly got dressed.
Taking a deep breath, I stood in front of the mirror and brushed myself off. I was wearing a new suit today; tinted blue suit trousers with a crisp, light pink shirt and a striped, baby blue tie. The perfectly fit blue jacket matched the trousers, and I was complete. I looked my reflection up and down, admiring the craftsmanship.
I reached out to put on my socks, before realising they weren’t matching. One was grey, and the other was black. Damn! I thought, they must have seemed matching when I was picking clothes out yesterday. In fairness, it had been quite dim.
I considered rooting around for the respective missing socks, but knew time wouldn’t allow it. Sighing, I put them on and slipped them under my shoes so that they were out of view.
My mobile suddenly began singing. I scooped it up off the side table with my hands and pressed the green accept button.
“CJ, where are you?!”
I instantly recognised the voice. It belonged to long time friend, and sole keeper of my ‘I-think-I-might-be-gay’ secret, Ella Johnson. She often called me CJ because my middle name was in fact Jack. I didn’t tell many people this.
“I’ll be right there!” I promised. “Give me a moment.”
“You better not be wanking.”
“Ella!” I nearly choked, running into the kitchen.
“Well, are you?” she asked, curiously.
“No,” I squeaked, as outraged as you can be at your best friend. “Why would you think that?”
“It’s just-” she started.
“OK, OK, forget it,” I quickly interrupted not exactly wanting to hear her theories on male behaviour. I opened one of the cupboards.
“What’s taking you then?” I could hear her changing ears.
“I’m looking for a bite,” I replied, indignantly. I promptly spotted an unwrapped breakfast bar, and snatched it up. “OK, I’m coming.”
“As in ejaculating?” she joked.
“Can we please drop that?” I winced, dropping the breakfast bar into my leather work bag. I heaved it up onto my shoulders whilst keeping the phone steady.
“Too early?” she sighed.
“Way,” I answered, glancing around the apartment one last time. I picked the keys up out of the glass bowl that was sitting on the table by the door and opened it.
“I’ll see you in a bit,” she laughed, and put down the phone. I imagined her grinning. It wasn’t exactly hard. In the two decades I had known her, she was always smiling, yet level-headed. At first sight, most people mistook her for a brainless blonde, but those misconceptions were instantly blown away as soon as she opened her mouth.
I unlocked the door and opened it, taking in the rusty air. A new day …
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