i had the stupid dream again i could just remeber the feel of that belt on my back the way my dad would kick me around i could still hear his voice haunt me in my sleep. i could feel the tears building up. i tried swipping them away but its no use. the room seems warmer then usual. i caint even sleep anymore and i feel weak. i open the light again and sit on my bed i just lay there i want to sleep so bad i know im gonna in a cranky pist off mood tommrow if i dont get some sleep but im afraid of having that dream again. i hear my aunt walking around. she opens the door. and i feel like laughing her eyes and hair are crazy and she looks half asleep.
'' did you have that dream jenny'' mara asks
'' yes it was worse tonight i think i almost had a heart attack'' i say
'' i tried getting you some help jenny and the last appointement you dident even show up'' mara says
'' i dont even want to spend 2 hours there talking i mean they think there helping but they arent really and i have better things to do anyway'' i say
'' look as long as you dont get help those dreams are gonna get worse and worse and im worried about you so please do me a favour and go to the therapy session'' mara say
'' fine '' i say
but im not really gonna go i just say that to calm her down but seriously im done with this therapy shit all they do is talk and talk and they think their helping you but there not.the last time i managed to sneak out of therapy by using the front window. i usually hide in the allyway and smoke. smoking is my way of dealing with shit heck its better then pretending that therapy is hellping you. i was born to the wrong parents theres no a day when i dont wish i was born to diffrent set of parents. i would do anything for that. when both my parents where young they where forced to get married to each other. my dads brother died when my dad was twenty two years old in a car crash. and that changed my father he became a diffrent person. he figured that alchol was the only thing he got. i would come home to find my father who was passed out on the floor. my father wasent sober alot. and when he was it was great you prayed that he would stop but dont get your hope because you knew jsut two hours later he would be back to the same old person.
my mom wasent really there she was physically but emotionally she was gone i couldent even talk to her she looked at me as if i was a bug that needed to be squished. and then my dad had kicked my ass with a belt my mom dident even do anything she was watching tv. i always wondered how she couldent react to a kids screams while the father wiped them with a belt.it angred me and was very fustrating. i dont like thinking about it. i finally got out three years ago and i feel so much freedome.
just like i knew it would happen the next day mara finds me in a back alley with a smoke in my hand she looks pissed off i ground the cigerette with my shoes. i look at her but i dont smile or frown. she looks like she needs some sleep.
'' seriously jenny what did i tell you last night i was worried i thought i lost you'' mara says
'' i dont care mara im not going to therapy its all bullshit'' i say
'' first off dont use that language with me and second of all if you ever skip therapy again your grounded for life do you hear me'' mara say
'' what ever'' i say
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