Chapter 2: How to collect Brownie Points.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Reads: 424

Chapter 2.

“How to collect Brownie Points”


The first thing one has to understand is that collecting brownie points is done on a sliding scale.

Now this sliding scale was, yes you guessed it, invented by a woman.

The meaning of the sliding scale is just as the name implies, the point level that one can receive for doing a certain task is constantly moving on that sliding scale.

Kind of like those grab arms at the fair that move up and across and NEVER seem to grab anything that you’re trying to get out of that stupid machine...but...oh well, okay where were we?

Oh yes, the sliding scale that’s always moving, you see when any relationship is new brownie points are easier to earn and you never need that many to get out of the dog house but when you’ve been together for a while......well you get the idea.

However, you always have to stay on your toes because there are always exceptions to the rules, it’s just like that Murphy guy to come around and throw a left-handed monkey wrench into the garbage.

Back to the sliding scale, like I have said, you have to stay on your toes because sometimes that sliding scale is as slippery as cat shit on a linoleum floor!

So having said that, let’s examine a few simple examples of “How to collect Brownie Points”

There are several different methods of collecting brownie points, any of which will produce outstanding results if used in the intended manner.

If you haven't already noticed most examples in this book will mirror true to life scenarios which you probably already have come across in your relationship life and in the case of younger participants, scenarios of which you already have observed but don’t have an answer for.

So, after having said that and having closely observed and tracked a case study of 1000 participants over a period of 15 years, we can now safely conclude that the male species can be divided into three main categories of personalities that the female has to deal with.

The male however has so many different categories of women to contend with that we lost track of how many there really are and frankly speaking would be too big of a topic to be discussed here, so I guess that must mean that women are very complex and from Venus...okay baby!

The three main categories of men that the women have to deal with are as such, there is the “shy geeky type”, then there is the “even Steven mister average” type and then there is the “I’m the Boss’ son, so I don’t have to work for my money and I’m rich” type of personality.

All three types have their own strengths and weaknesses in collecting the brownie points needed for a healthy and happy married life.

One would think that the rich dude would have all the advantages but one has to remember that not all women are money hungry grabbing bottom mean not all women are after a guy with a fat bank account or who have access to a fat bank account.

The shy geeky type is the easiest of all types for the female to handle, this type will usually resort to sniveling, crying or just downright begging for this or that or any other females' affection.

The approach that this particular type of guy has makes me sick to my stomach, I mean, come on stand up and be a man already, grow a spine!

Anyhow, that’s just his way and it seems to work for him, I guess.

This type of point collecting guy will work with your Cleopatra type women who have a burning desire to be catered to by whomever they meet but any guy with a bit of a backbone will have to be met with a little more of a cunning approach by the female.

The shy geeky little dude lacking the physical strength or skill to collect points in any other manner have become the masters of manipulation and would climb the point chart in a hurry if it wasn't for the fact that not all women are the Cleopatra type and other women can't stand the sight of weaselly little men, especially ones that are smaller than them that they could beat up, get what I mean!

So you see, even though they have found a way to collect points, their own weaselly ways is what will be their undoing.

Now the, “I’m the Boss’ son, so I don’t have to work for my money and I’m rich” type of personality has a completely opposite approach of the shy geeky guy that whined and sniveled. The “I’m the Boss’ son, so I don’t have to work for my money and I’m rich” type of personality just doesn't care.

He's got money, he’s the Boss’ son and doesn’t have to work for his money, he doesn't have to do anything to get brownie points, because he can just buy them whenever he wants to (he thinks) his motto is, if I have a problem, throw money at it and it will disappear.

The bigger the problem, the more money you have to throw at it, but it WILL disappear.

But you thought that I had said that you had to EARN your brownie points, well, I also said that there are exceptions to every rule, are you guys even paying attention? You do have to earn your brownie points if you’re like me and most of the rest of the people on this wacky world.

But if you’ve got money, many, many doors seem to open for you all by themselves, kind of like when a women first starts to realize the power of the female anatomy, just like Harry Potter’s magic wand!

Honestly though, if you’re rich and you buy your brownie points you will not be as satisfied as if you’ve earned them, plus the value of bought brownie points is not as high as earned brownie point because...well...let’s face it all you did was use your daddy’s money!

These kind of comments are usually made by guys who don’t have the money to buy brownie points, you know the kind that say that money isn’t everything but let’s continue.

So he doesn't care, yeah right, that's what he wants you to believe, even rich stuck up guys sometimes come up against that immoveable object, and that's when it will cost him a lot more brownie points than us regular guys because everybody knows that he’s got daddy’s money to burn and he gets the brownie points for free, the jerk!

This is when the REAL “Brownie Point” system comes back into play, when money is no longer the object of most people’s game and we have to earn our brownie points again regardless of how rich we are, oooh too bad.

You see Contessa Richelieu is very........sophisticated shall we say, charming, beautiful and can not be bought.........with money, but brownie points....?

There he is rich, stuck up and probably a snob and he is no better of than the shy geeky guy, okay, okay...he IS a snob.

The geekster is probably better of as the dork that he is  because he at least knows and has resigned himself to the fact, (some are even proud of it, go figure), that he IS a dork and has to work twice or three times as hard just to see over the top of the boots of an average guy like even Steven.

Who now is the last category of guy that women have to deal with, “mister even Steven average”, who has the best chance of collecting the most brownie points of all because he is not overconfident, he is charming, romantic and uses his boyish good looks to make the girls swoon with just a flash of his pearly whites, as he spews forth romantic quotes with his razor sharp wit.

He never worries because he will always break even, that's why he's called even Steven, he goes into the war zone called point collecting zone without a thought for his own safety, he goes dodging, swooping, zig zagging in and around, does what needs to be done and comes out holding a couple of brownie points in each hand while flashing his pearly white chiclets, all the while not even breaking a sweat.

Throws his points into the pot and continues on his happy trail looking for more easy points to collect to keep him out of the dog house during future events.

Now to be realistic us men, we have at least...oh four or five distinct personalities and a half dozen or so sub-personalities, (no not the Submariner, like Aquaman he lives in the comics) but we are going to concentrate on the three main ones mentioned above as most men can fit into one of these three categories quite easily with a little crowbar prying for room.

Now I know that you've been paying attention, but these three different personalities up above here don't seem to understand that if you are single there is absolutely no point in collecting points right, get my drift, you buying what I’m selling?

What is the point in collecting points if there is no one to throw you into the dog house, so you can use the points that you have been collecting and give them to......WHO? (you can practice can’t you?)

Like I had said before, brownie points are only valuable between spouses, it also works with boyfriend and girlfriend but that's another chapter.

So for the sake of all future references to guys, we will assume that they are married and in dire need of brownie points, or are in a committed relationship, (after which they can be committed for real), or at least dating seriously.

The three personalities mentioned, like I said all have their strengths and weaknesses and all things being equal would end up on the same rung of the ladder but the key word here is "all things being EQUAL".

All things in life are never equal, I don’t know why people say that because if they were equal, then we’d have balance and if we had balance then everything in life would be good, just like Mr. Myagi said to Daniel, “Take car and find BALANCE Daniel son” remember?

Like in the movie...The Karate Kid...with Mr. Myagi and Daniel...or forget it and read on!

The three personalities don't operate in an equal manner, one whines and cries, one demands and orders and the last one thinks the woman, or world, owes them.

They all three have their own flaws and if we could filter out the flaws and keep only the good part in them that collects points, then maybe we will start to make some headway, until then we will keep on striving to make a better man.

Having realized the flaws in each personality, we now know that we have to try and re-train or re-invent ourselves not to initiate any of these unwanted actions to cause a negative point drop in our collected totals of mystical, magical brownie points.

Going over each personalities assets (their strengths AND weaknesses, of which there will be plenty) will gain us some clear and precise insight into the successful collecting of our brownie points.

We will start with the geeky dork, sometimes women will respond to the strong guy who isn't afraid to show his vulnerable side, or the vulnerable little geek, who is ALWAYS showing his vulnerable side.

In this kind of a scenario, the woman's motherly and protective instincts automatically take over and if you were like Humpty Dumpty, an egg, she'd probably just run up to you and sit on you until you hatched.

Major brownie points can be scored with this particular approach because having a woman feel sorry for you is one of the best feelings for the woman to have, for you to score some major brownie points. Some women love to fix a broken man and let’s face it most, if not all, men are just broken toys, I mean just look at us, sometimes I wonder how some of you make it through the day.

Having a woman feel protective of you and getting a woman to have romantic feelings for you are two of the best ways of collecting brownie points that there is, that's why you don't hear too often about a newlywed in the dog house because in the beginning everything is all lovey dovey but that discussion will be covered in a later chapter also.

There are many other ways of collecting brownie points and also different values or amount of points for the same task done in different manners or for different people at different times, remember the sliding point scale and the slippery linoleum!

Some examples that just make common sense to most, would be like taking out the trash without being asked, that your dirty dishes make it INTO the dishwasher and not on the counter above it and making sure ALL your dirty laundry makes it into the laundry basket, (Preferable the right side out for the socks and underwear, you know, brown streak and all on the inside please, don’t you know what toilet paper is for…that roll of paper hanging on the wall?)

There is nothing worse for a person than going to do the laundry and as they approach the laundry basket they can see a cornucopia of clothes hanging in and around the basket with socks, shirts and bleech...underwear, inside out unceremoniously dropped where they were taken off.

No, trust me, it’s not a lot of fun having that staring you in the face right after breakfast!

A big one is clearing the table after dinner before your wife starts, now this is a very tricky one because if you get up and start too soon, she'll get mad and say that you are rushing her through her dinner and you'll end up on the negative side of the point scale just for bad manners and that's not good.

If you wait too long, she'll think that you are making a game out of it, like everything else you do, and are waiting to see if she'll get up first so you don't have to.

So you have to, after considering all the different variables take an educated guess as to when you think that she might want you to get up and start clearing the table (kind of like ESPN) at which point you are to jump in with the unbridled enthusiasm of a Tasmanian Devil.

If she smiles when you get up, ask her "could I get you another glass of wine?" and then before she answers say "oh please don't get up, I'll clear the dishes while you relax and have another glass of wine, no really I don't mind."

If your wife insists on getting up to help, especially with the dishes, let her wash, women always like to have their hands in the water because they say that they are cold, I think that they’re  just playing handsies under the suds but hey that’s just me.

Major, Major brownie points, they know, you know, we ALL know that you are just blowing smoke up their skirt but that doesn't seem to matter because with women as long as we cater to them and smooze them a little, they are like putty in our hands, or that's what they would like us to believe!

They know who's in control and it's not us, these are just a few examples of collecting some good points for yourself but there are also good and fast ways to lose them, which will be discussed in a later chapter.

Some more excellent ways to collect brownie points are helping or doing the grocery shopping, which though is not without it's pitfalls.

Helping with the grocery shopping is the safest way to collect because all you have to do is push the cart, keep up with them and not wander of, follow some simple instructions and voila free points, any caveman can do it...usually.

Because it is so easy to collect, it is not worth a lot of points, consult the tables at the end of this book to check the value of your tasks in brownie points.

Doing the grocery shopping for the household yourself and all ALONE can be very rewarding and valuable but it can also be very, very dangerous, usually its a lose, lose situation because if you forget something, or they didn’t have what your wife needed, you come home without it, right! WRONG!

Like it or not, once that grocery list is made and handed over to you, it’s now your......shall we say, problem?

Whether the store had the required item or not does not really matter, all that your wife is going to see is you without what she needed and you went to get it for her and now she doesn’t have it...Get it...Got it...Good!

No, I mean go get it man, go get it NOW and make sure you get it RIGHT!

When this happens, instead of earning brownie points you could very easily lose some or a lot of collected points to boot, you old BOOT!

In my opinion, a guy should only do the grocery shopping if he is single and living either alone or with other guys because guys don’t care if something is missing.

If a guy goes to make a peanut butter and jam sandwich and there is no jam, he’ll just grab whatever else is available like honey, chips, banana with mustard, okay maybe not chips but you get my drift.

Guys have over the ages become master adapters to survive, it’s just too bad that most of these so-called Master Adapters live alone! Maybe that’s their secret.

We are starting to see that the only way to survive in a brownie point world is to collect and to be passionate about collecting to keep our skills razor-sharp.

The particular methods used for collecting brownie points are as diverse as there are women and there are a lot of women in the world, like tens of thousands I’m willing to bet.

The diverse methods are directly related to the diverse amount of women and their diverse personalities in the world for us to choose from.

Therefore to keep things relatively fair, (the women say) the sliding brownie point scale was invented.

I just think that it was invented to manipulate us and keep us earning just enough brownie points to keep us out of the dog house but not quite enough to keep us in a state of marital bliss!

Because of this we have to work so much harder to keep the positive flow of brownie points coming our way.

One particular event, (task, job or whatever you want to call it) comes to mind from my past where a person we’ll call Larry Sillyshalley (not his real name), wrote in to me about.

It all started on a nice warm sunny summer day, when Larry got up and walked outside with his coffee in hand like so many other days, the birds were chirping and the sun was shining. (maybe Larry should have stayed inside, maybe even in bed and faked a sickness but it was too late...he was outside)

When he rounded the corner of his house, it smelled kind of funny, like funny stinky!

Okay, okay...not funny, just stinky!

So back inside he went and the first thing he did was ask his wife to go out and smell the air! BIG MISTAKE!

Well you can imagine his surprise, (he should have known better but we forget you know, Larry had a cranial cramp), when his wife came back in with a contorted face so blue, she looked like a member of the “Blue-Man Group”!

She had been holding her breath, and in true hysterical fashion, she let him have it with everything she had.

Words were coming out so fast that they were covering each other so that she sounded like an alien on Ritalin.

She spewed forth words that I’d never heard that Larry never heard before, so he told me or maybe he was saying them wrong.

To make a long story a little bit shorter, Larry found out after a little investigation that the float in the sewer tank was faulty.

Now if I would tell you what Larry went through to finally find out that it was the float, you would never have believed me, he ripped out toilets, broke open walls and still the stink was there, he ripped up carpets, dug up the lawn but still the stink remained.

Anyhow, the float was faulty, okay.

Now it has to be replaced, right, how, BY WHOM?

By Larry of course because who has money to bring in a guy, not Larry?

So Larry digs up the shit pit, (as he calls it) he has friends come over to lift the four inch slab of concrete off of the top and expose the nasty problem!

PHEW, what a smell, it is indescribable so I have been told, if you stood back and looked at the open pit you could SEE the fumes rising into the air! The pit is about six feet in diameter and about fifteen feet deep, so Larry said.

Now we have to run the pump manually because we have to empty the pit first because it’s full of juicy stinky liquid!

The pipe that sucks the liquid out of the pit is about a foot or so away from the bottom of the pit for obvious reasons. (for those of you who don’t understand, its so the pipe doesn’t suck up any greasy disgusting slop from the bottom of the pit…blech, I shiver just thinking about it)

So yes, you guessed it, Larry gets to climb into the shit pit and stand in a foot of disgusting slop.

The pit is only six feet in diameter, so as soon as Larry gets to the bottom, the ladder is pushed back against the wall to give Larry a little elbow room, brrrr.

Before going into the pit, Larry put on rubber boots (he probably should have been wearing hip waders) that are about ONE inch taller than the level of juicy liquid in the pit, so like MacGuyver would he wraps and duct tapes the boots in black plastic garbage bags after he has put them on, hoping they will be leak proof. (Yeah right dream on) know the show with that guy that can fix or know maybe you should watch a little more TV then you would know these things I’m talking about and wouldn’t have to explain it all in fine detail.

Anyways then he puts on a full-face mask with organic charcoal filters and green plastic gloves.

He looked like he was going for a space walk on the moon with his zoot-suit on!

Well let me tell you, with zap straps and side cutters in hand Larry descends into the shit pit from hell.

He’s in there about 20 seconds and his hands and tools are already covered in ... well you know what I mean!

Five minutes go by and breathing is starting to become difficult, you see, he is not only battling the stink but also the slippery tools in his hands and the juicy float.

So, he replaces the float, climbs out of the shit pit before almost losing consciousness, rips his mask of and takes a deep breath as he races to the water hose and douses himself while trying to catch his breath.

Well I don’t know about you but that job right there, now that is the kind of job that money was invented for!

Pickup the phone and call a guy, there has got to be a guy out there that does this kind of shit, if you’ll pardon the pun, for money!

Anyhow, that kind of a job is got to be worth a million or gazillion brownie points, RIGHT?

WRONG...have you not been listening, the sliding brownie point scale, hello?

That particular job is worth whatever brownie points she is willing to give and that depends on how appreciative or relieved she is that it is now fixed.

But yes, I agree with you, it should be worth a gazillion brownie points, it’s the shit pit, for pete’s sake, I mean for Larry’s sake!

The real kicker for Larry was when his wife and friends, (who were lazing around the pool sucking on a margarita or something), were wondering how long he was going to leave that pit open because it smelled...funny...and they asked him that before he’d even gone in?

Now I don’t know about you but I think that even when you wear a full-face mask with organic charcoal filters, the smell would be just a... wee bit... worse standing at the bottom of the shit pit than if you were sitting oh, shall we say...40 yards away sucking on a nice cool one lounging around the pool.

Maybe Larry should have just climbed down and close the hatch and he’d just tap on it when he was done, maybe that would have been more acceptable than leaving the pit open for her and all her friends to smell.

The job was worth at least a gazillion points, as Larry also said that he didn’t go down there once but three times over time. Poor guy!

I really feel sorry for Larry, it’s almost like I was there when he told me about it, almost as if I was experiencing the same thing and was talking about myself... or maybe it was just a dream.

Now whenever we do a great job at something or for somebody and the other person doesn’t put much value on it, we refer to it as having “LOST” our brownie points in “The Shit Pit of Lost Points”

Had it been somebody that valued what we had done replacing the float, then we would have been living in brownie point heaven with brownie points coming out of our ying-yang for quite some time!

We have just barely scraped the surface of the brownie point collecting so far but I hope that most of you out there in Lalaland are starting to wake up and smell the coffee before the pot burns because once it burns…well it makes nothing but a big sticky baked on mess.

The same BIG STICKY BAKED on mess you’ll be living in if you don’t make sure that you become Dog House-Free and live in Marital Bliss with your Brownie Point Heaven!

Submitted: December 04, 2014

© Copyright 2021 James A Grove. All rights reserved.


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