Chapter 1: K.A.T.E

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Gay and Lesbian  |  House: Booksie Classic

Reads: 1205


Written By: J. L (14 - 15 year’s old)




Dare diary! Finely I get an apartment for myself. Mom's going on a two years business trip to France and dad's going too so we agreed that I can take care of myself and that it was better if I finished school and that’s true. My life has been easy you know. I've got a successful mom and a dad that loves me. No divorce and nothing dramatic at all. I've always just had everything so that’s why I feel that this move will give me some experience and maybe I can get to see the world. Maybe I can start my own life. I've never had a boyfriend and it's not like I'm ugly, no it's my parents rules that keeps my life safe and there are some rules that dad had something to do with I guess. I've always been in private schools anyway so maybe that’s my problem. Well anyway, mom gave me this book so that I could write down thoughts sense it might be frustrating sometimes so it would be good for me to write it down and maybe someday look back and remember it. But the thing is that I shave to move away anyway. I had to move to a smaller city sense dad didn't want me to live in the middle of the city so I had to go to a new school. A public school was anyone could go. But hey the up side is that it's one of the sunniest places in the world, I like the idea of having my own place but to top of that it's in the middle of September. So it's the middle of the semester. I've been sitting on this plane for hours and hours, it feels like. I'm going to a place I don't know and live in an apartment I don't know what it looks like. I don't know if I can go back now, probably not. If I was tan and really blond it wouldn’t be a problem to make friends but no I had to be black haired girl with pale skin and grey eyes, no lucky charm there. Why did I have to look so ordinary? I can't write anymore now.






Chapter 1: The first day’s


I put away my diary just as the plane started jumping up and down like crazy. Now I'm going to die, we were going to crash. I felt the tears building in my eyes. "Are you okay?" a light voice asked. I turned my head to see where it came from. It was a girl with short black hair with some red high lights. She looked at me with worried eyes. "Oh! I'm fine, I think," I answered with a weak voice. "Are you plane sick? You look kind of pale," she said as she pushes the button. "No I'm naturally pale". "Oh! Okay but you seem like you're going to cry". "Well I have many reasons to cry today, but I'm not going to". " Oh! And why is that?” she asked.


“It’s just a boring story," I said. "Well I'm bored already so..." she said and  smiled. I don't know why but I told her about how I felt about moving and all the rest. I more or less told her my life’s story. She didn’t make one single face during my story. When I was done she still looked like stone. Then I noticed that she too was pale. She was wearing Convers.


I remembered that I too was wearing Convers. Apparently she also was wearing a black tight t-shirt and tight jeans. She had style. "Yes I can see why you're so down. You kind of left you're safest place in the word. You left everything you know and from what you told me, you didn't relate to many people right?!" the girl asked. How did she figure that out? But she was right, I've only got one real friend and her name was Amy. Amy in general was really truly my BFF. She was this punk girl. She was always wearing this black shirt and some old convers that looked like a dog had feed on and her pants were tight with tartan. She would were this crazy hair styles and everything. But she never let me down.


I nodded to the girl’s summation. "You're like seventeen rights?" she asked. I nodded again. "Yeah I know what it’s like to try to get out of the circle," she said confident. "How old are you?" I had to ask. "The same, seventeen,” she said a bit surprised that I talked. Then the speaker went wild and soon the caption spoke. We were finally landing.


When I got outside the airport, I jumped in a cab. "And where are you going?" the cab driver asked me. I gave him a note where there was an address written on it. He just nodded. Suddenly someone opened the door and jumped in. "Oh! This one was already taken." It was the girl who I talked to on the plane. "Hi!" I said "Oh! Hi! Can we cheer cab?" she asked. I just nodded. It felt odd to meet her again after that I had told her all that stuff about myself. She smiled brightly again. The car drove out on the main road.


I was just staring out the window. I couldn’t think about anything but what my mom had said to me before dropping me of. She'd said "To leave you here alone...You really don't mind missing out on France? I guess we shouldn’t remind you about the time we'll be gone." Really why didn't I say anything, how stupid could I be. I didn't even say that I would miss them. I felt one teardrop flooding out my eye and down my cheek. Soon something light landed on my shoulder. I turned my head to find that the girl had her hand on my shoulder and she looked at me. "Are you sure that moving here was the best thing for you to do?" she asked a bit worried. I nodded again but there were more tears to come so I turned my head out again.


The cab stopped in front of a building made out of bricks it reminded me of the buildings in some old ghetto movie "Here we are," the cab driver said to me. ”Oh! Is this were you're moving?" the girl asked me. Yet again I nodded. "I live here too," she said with her light voice. I stepped out of the car. She fallowed me up the stairs to the third floor. I pulled up a key that my dad gave me. I opened the door. All of my stuff was there but they were still in boxes placed all over the place. "Cool we're neighbors," the girl burst out behind me. I turned to find her unlocking the door next to mine. I nodded again. ”You’re really a quiet one," she said shaking her head, heading in thru the door. I just closed my door and walked over to my bed and fell asleep. I didn't dream anything, I never do. It's like I don't have anything to dream about.


I woke up in panic; someone was knocking on my door. Sleepy I walked towards the door and opened it. It was the girl from yesterday. "Were you sleeping? The school bus is here in ten minutes!" she said panicking for me. I turned around running around trying to find one box with my clothes. "Here it is," she yells to me pointing at a box. She was right so I yanked out some jeans and a T-shirt. “We have to go now, we'll miss the bus," she said pulling my arm. Then we ran out. We didn't miss the bus but almost, we were last so we had to stand.


She just stood there by my side like nothing had happened. "Why did you wake me?" I asked her. She looked shocked. "You looked so tired yesterday so I got that you would forget to set the alarm," she said like it was obvious. She followed me to the office but then she disappeared. I guessed that she needed to go to her class.


I got a note and a map over the school then I got a schedule. I walked thru the crowded hallway to find my next class before the bell rang. Which in seconds the hallway was cleared. I started to panic but by the door on my right I saw a shadow so I turned around. There the girl stood again. It really should have crept me out that she's everywhere. She smiled and pointed towards the class room. I gave the teacher the note. "What’s your name?" he asked. "Kate Light," I answered him. He nodded. He directed me to the only empty seat there were. And of some bad karma it was at her side. Was I hunted or something?


She smiled just as if she knew what I was thinking. When I sat down I felt the eyes of everybody staring at me. I felt like I had a sign in my fore head saying “Stare at me!”. I was glad that I already had done the assignment that we had to do in pairs so that I knew I wouldn’t look that stupid. "Well Kate, are we going to start or are we going to daydream all day?". It was the girl speaking. "Oh! Yeah right, let’s start with the structures," I said a bit lost. She nodded and gave me the weirdest smile ever, like I had said something funny and then she started writing. Then I remembered that I didn't know her name. How come she knew my name but she didn't even tell me her name. That's weird. But it would seem stupid of me to ask what it is?


We didn't talk or anything during that class, we just worked. When the bell rang I most likely ran out of there but to me it was more like walking really fast, well it’s the term I would have used if anyone asked. She probably thought that I was weird, and that didn't help me at all. Damn! I ruined the most things before even starting. When I got out of the class room a boy with blue eyes and sandy blond hair, stop me. "Hey you're new here right? I'm Theodor Lansdale but my friend calls me T or Thunder," he said dramatically. "Yeah I'm Kate," I answered him with caution. He raised one eyebrow "Do you need any help with your schedule or anything really," he said then. I just nodded.


He fallowed me around and showed me where all the classes were. It turned out that we had biology together and art too together. When it was lunch we sat at his table. At his table there were like six more people but only two of them were girls. One of the girls name was Neomy, she had long white hair and ice blue eyes. The other girl was Jean. She had brown eyes and brown hair so she looked normal. Among the boys other than Theodor I could only remember one name it was Jake he had long black hair and he looked kind of buff so I guess that, that’s why I remembered his name so well. Or maybe sense he was staring at me. It really freaked me out.


I suddenly felt like someone ells was staring at me so I turned my head searching and found the girl, from before, sitting by one table alone. ”Who’s that?" I asked Neomy sense she looked like she was the one keeping all the gossip in a spin. "Oh! It's Shane. You don't want to hang with her," she said to me. "Why?" I ask shocked. "There are some rumors’ about her that no one wants to get mixed up in," Jean answered me this time. "What kind of rumors’?" I asked. "Well let’s just say that, she hasn't had a boyfriend and she never will," Neomy answered me with a soft but yet a hard voice of disgust. "Err…I’m not fallowing?" I said. Neomy rolled her eyes. Then she smiled a disgusting smile that screamed “FAKE!” all over. “She’s so totally gay,” she said. “Really, how do you know?” I asked. Jean sighs. “Well, it’s first of all kind of obvious. Just look at the way she dresses and her hair. But mostly it’s said that she kissed a girl at her last school and so she had to move here sense it was an all-girls school. I don’t know but it’s freaking every one out. She’s such a freak,” they said. I stared over my shoulder at the girl whose name apparently was Shane. She stared right in to my eyes. Then she looked down at the floor.


The next class was boring and way to easy sense I already done it. When the bell rang I was almost the last one out. Last out was Shane, she talked to the teacher about some homework she hadn't done yet. I waited in the doorway. Was it possible true what they’d told me? But would that matter? Really, I mean, how does it work anyway? It’s not my right to judge.


Then when she was done she shoot a glans at me and smiled lightly, not that bright like she had done before. She walked beside me to the bus but she was still quiet and it gave me a sort of feeling like I'd hurt her. I most have hurt her when I rushed out of the class this morning. Or was it a fact that I might have chosen the wrong table at lunch and she’d know that they would tell me that stuff? Or was it that she had a lot on her mind? I don’t know. At the bus she still was quiet, it made me jumpy.


When we walked up the stairs to the apartments she suddenly stopped. What was she up to now? Was she going to say something? I turned around and walked to her side. We stood there for a few minutes before she started walking again. She did not speak nor did she look at me. She just went straight in her apartment. I didn't make it any longer than the inside my door before I fell down on my knees. I felt sobs building in my chest and I didn't understand why, what was this feelings and why now. I might just have lost the only friend I could get here, but there was like I had lost something more. Why am I reacting this way? This isn’t like me at all. I crawled to my bed then it was dark again.

Chapter 2: Forgiveness


Some dunking sound woke me up. It was the door. Someone was knocking. My pillow was soaking and my eyes were burning. I opened my door without really thinking about it. There she stood once again. "They've told you, haven't they," she said with a voice I didn't know what to define it as. It was totally broken and raspy. I could see that she was upset. But why the…? "They did," she said lower now. I nodded. I didn’t have a better way to answer. Did it really matter if I knew or not. It wasn’t any of my business anyway? There it was a tear drop falling down her cheek. I took her hand. "Don't cry, it doesn’t matter what they say. I don't care about rumors," I told her. She looked up at me doubtful. "You don't?" she asked doubting.


"It's just rumors and even so if it was true, it wouldn’t hurt me so why bother being mean, It's not even my right to judge anyway," I said confident. She wiped away the tears and smiled still doubting. ”Would you like to come inside for a while," I asked. She nodded and we went inside.


Dear diary! This move might be a good thing for me. I've already made some friends. I've meet someone who's a bit different. I like her, she seems to be honest. She sure did pop up everywhere, but in a good way sense I kind of needed it, But there's something about her that I can't put my finger on, but that's probably a good thing too. Her Name is Shane! Shane seemed to have that look that said sassy but really she seem kind and still she had some attitude that I can't put my finger on either. I will just have to find out. I'm glad that my first day worked out well!


I woke up out of the sound of my alarm clock. I started panicking to find my toothbrush and some clothes to wearer, when I realized that I had forgotten that I didn't see Shane when I woke up. She'd left a note.


Sorry for leaving but I needed to get ready for school, see you soon.


She had gone home before I did wake up. Good then I didn't have to think about it. I brushed my teeth and combed my hair then I ran to the kitchen. Then I remember that I needed to go to the store. My stomach rumbled but I ignored it and ran for my shoes. Then Shane opened my door. "Hey you're awake!" she said smiling brightly. "Yeah I guess," I answered with some sarcasm. "You know that we have half an hour before we need to be at the bus stop right," she said raising one eyebrow. "Yeah I know but I thought...," I started. "You thought that you should get something to eat right," she said. I nodded wondering how she knew. "We can always go over to my place and get something," she said pulling my arm with her as she walked over to her apartment.


Her apartment was bigger than mine and brighter. Her Kitchen was brand new; it looked like it belonged to a master chef. She opened the big fridge and got some juice. Then she walked over to the basket on the table where she apparently had bagels, and then she walked back to the fridge and took out some cream cheese and then a knife. She started making one bagel, before she stopped and smiled. "Aren't you going to have one?" she said with her head leaning slightly to left. My stomach rumbled so loud that I blushed. She just giggled and handed me the knife. "I guess I got my answer," she said when she poured up juice in two glasses. She smiled to me then she drank some of the juice. She seemed happier today and somehow it felt good. She walked out of the kitchen to get something I guessed. I hadn't really noticed how lightly she walked it looked like she was dancing rather than walking. She was so small and I hadn't noticed it before. Maybe I didn't really pay any attention to her before.


She returned with new clothes, she most has changed. She jumped up on the table and sat there, drinking juice and eating her bagel. She watched me the entire time until she burst in to laughter. "You look like you think I'm going to kill you," she said during the laughter. "Oh! Sorry," I said and smiled little. I had been sitting there staring at her the entire time too and my faces most have been plane like I didn't know what to do. That’s creepy. Then she stopped and jumped down from the table. "Oh! We're going to miss the bus if we don't go now," she said playfully. She really had many voices and in only two days I had herd like five or maybe ten different ones. Shane isn't like everybody ells and that’s for sure. But different in a good way...I think. No, I know it is.


As I enter the school hallway, Neomy jumps to my side, without noticing Shane. She started talking about Jake and the others. Then after like ten seconds Jean was there joining us. We turned in to the biology class room still talking when Theodor joined us. Then the teacher came and it was quiet. Just then I noticed that Shane wasn't there. She's supposed to be my lab partner so were did she go? I didn't see her at the next lesson either. At lunch it started to worry me when she didn't even show up there. I didn't see her on the bus either and I didn't dear to knock on her door. I had to hope she would come to school the next day. But she didn't. More days passed and she didn't appear. It started to become strange. Were in hell was she? Did I say something wrong? It didn’t seem that way before.





Chapter 3: If it ever could be so convenient


Dear diary! Sense Shane disappeared I've been hanging with Neomy and Jean the most. But Neomy talked the most and she seemed nicer than Jean. Jean really seems to be in a dark place so I don't talk a lot to her. Neomy was like this gossip girl at our school but she was even more popular than that. It turns out that she died her hair white so that she didn't look an original blond wannabe superstar. Yeah I don't think she pulled it off. She really is like this drama queen and it suited her. Jake he talks a lot too but I don't really listen even though he's really desperate to get my attention. I just don't feel like he's the thing I need, or the one I want to talk to. So we'll stay friend forever and almost always if you know what I mean. It's been like a two weeks sense Shane disappeared and that just might be weird if she doesn’t come back soon. I hope so. But I don’t get why I feel so upset about not seeing her. Wouldn’t you think so to?


When I walked in to biology, I felt a strange atmosphere, and just as I turned my head, there she sat by my seat. I sat down but didn't look at her. She didn't say anything either. After half an hour I couldn’t stand it. "Shane, where did you go?" so I asked her. ”I went out of town," she said like nothing was wrong. "Yeah but you didn't say anything," I said a bit annoyed. Why was she playing it so cool? "I didn't think that you would care," she said still with that same stiff voice. I stared at her in disbelieve. I could see that she didn’t want anything to do with me but we were supposedly lab partners and there for I’d rather not have her, my enemy. She was so stiff in every movement and it was as she didn't know how to move. I guess that she didn't like being near me. Well I wasn't going to be a problem and that was for sure. I better just ask if I could change classes afterwards.


As soon as the bell rang, I ran to Neomy. “What have you done to Shane," Neomy asked me suddenly in the hallway. ”What is it!" I was startled by the question. She didn't like Shane so why had she also noticed her behavior. "I've never seen her being so not cool to anybody. She's always been nice to everybody." Neomy said. "I don't know she was totally weird today, I guess that she doesn’t like me that much," I said coldly. But it bothered me more that I’d ever admit. That she didn't say anything was just pouring salt in the wound for me. I hadn't done anything to piss her of. "She isn’t like anybody at this school, but she's never been so cold to anyone of us," she said thoughtfully. I had to agree, she didn't have a reason to hate me like that. I would have to confront her about it somehow. But what would I say really. It’s not like I could make her like me anyway.


The bus was so full that I had to stand again. On the way to the apartment would be a good time to say something but I didn't have the courage. She was still so stiff that it was hard to make up a subject, but I had to say something. And I had to do it fast. So I ended up yelling at her.


"Shane, are you angry with me or something!? I've never done anything to piss you of like that!" I yelled. I didn't really know how that happened. I have never been in need to yell at anybody before. She turned to face me but stopped half way. "No! I'm not!" she yelled back. ”Then why are you acting so cold?" I didn't yell it but I was angry so my voice sounded weird to me. "You don't really want to know," she didn't yell but she spoke with a kind of icy voice and yet there was something behind it that I didn't get. "Sure I do," I said in disbelieve. I really didn't want her to be so cold.


“What’s it to you anyway?!” she said coldly again. I sigh. “I’m just asking why you’re acting this way to me, did I upset you? What did I do wrong? Please tell me because I really thought…” I said. But still I couldn’t find more words. She turned all the way around. She had tears in her eyes. I felt the panic in my chest. I most have said something wrong again. I’d upset her once again. It is my fault why she’s been acting this way, why she’s crying. We didn't say anything. I took her hand and pulled her in to my arms. She cried. I couldn’t believe it. I'd never thought that she would cry. We walked up the stairs; there was still running tears down her cheeks. She was leaning her head on my shoulder.  I don’t know what to do. What to say to make it better again.


When we got to the third floor, she stopped. I opened my door and took her hand and she walked with me in to my apartment. She sat down on the couch. Sometimes I’m glad my parents had a moving firm and a designer to make the apartment ready for me before I came here. I sat down on my knees in front of her still holding her hand. She smiled weakly then a tear drop fell down. I felt how I started to panic even more. I didn't want her to be hurting, why was she hurting, why won't she talk. I need her to tell me what was wrong.


"You have to tell me what's wrong," I said with a broke voice. It was as if I was on my way to cry to. I let her hand go. Then I took her in to my arms. I didn't know what ells to do. I felt like I had hurt her bad but I didn't know how or why. She came down to the floor and there we sat, crying. I drag her to the bed and she cried herself to sleep. I just sat there watching her sleep for hours. Every now and then she would talk in her sleep. Her face was so smooth. I wanted to touch it but if I did she would probably wake up. Soon my eyes failed me and I fell asleep.



Chapter 4: Oh!

Dear diary! This day had taken me by surprise. I've never felt too helpless. I've never wanted to care before but somehow Shane made me feel something that was new to me. I've never wanted to be there for someone so much before. But why were these feelings being so strong to me and I can't even describe this feeling. What is this feeling and why am I feeling it?


I felt something around my waist so I opened my eyes. At first I didn't get what it was but soon I remembered it was Shane, who still was sleeping. A lump fell to my stomach. It's still dark outside so I guess that it must be about fore or maybe five in the morning. I tried to crawl out of the bed but I had to bend myself out of Shane's arms. She was holding so tight that I didn't know if she would wake up. I had a headache from all the crying last night. The odd thing was that I didn't know why I cried. I didn't do anything to hurt her. Why was she so complicated to understand? First we're friends and all but then suddenly she disappears and when she comes back, she's all that angry and stiff. Then suddenly she's crying in my arms? I didn't even get an answer from her.


I took an aspirin with water. I walked to the bathroom. I had to clean up my face, I looked terrible almost horrifying. My eyeliner had been washed out all over my face and my hair was terrible. I went to change clothes then I got ready one more aspirin for Shane when she would wake up, she probably would have a headache just like me. I sat the glass and the pill by the bed. I sat down on the bed. I could hear her breading; it was so even and smooth. She looked so peaceful and her face was so smooth that she looked like an angel. How could this face be as sad as it had been? I sat there staring at her face. It was just like I wanted to remember it so bad but I had no clue why I felt the need too. I can’t even get any answers to my own questions when she’s making me ask even more before they’re solved.


Then after like two hours she started to wake up. She sat up confused. When she turned her head and saw me, she smiled lightly. I gave her the aspirin. She took it. We didn't say anything for a long time it seemed. But then I felt the urge to say something. "Do you feel better?" I asked. She smiled but still not the smile I wanted to see. "Why were you so angry with me yesterday?" I asked but then I regretted it when I saw the look on her face. "I wasn't really angry with you. I was angry at myself," she said with a voice so weak that it was incredible that I could hear it. "Why, what happened?" I asked but I knew that she didn't really want to tell me, but I had to know. ”It’s nothing," she said still in that weak voice.


How could anybody sound so...I didn't know what the end of that thought would be? I felt so gone by it? "It didn't sound like nothing," I said. It really didn't. She was so broken by it. "I just broke a promise to myself". Now she started having a harder voice and that scared me. "What promise was that?" I asked with some doubt. I didn't even have anything to do with it anyway. "I promised not to fall," she said like she spoke with herself. What did she mean? "Oh!" I said realizing what she meant.


She looked at me with doubt. "The rumors were never just rumors. Well they weren't true but then you came and it changed everything," she said a bit ashamed. I didn’t get why she was so ashamed. ”But that’s just who you are" I said a bit harder than I meant it to be. She just sat there staring at her hands. ”Why are you so ashamed, you should just be you're self. You don't have to lie about things like that you know. Look at me, I had a fifty, fifty chance that the rumors would be true but it didn't bother me," I said confident. I just needed her to look at me and she did. "You're right but you're confides doesn’t help me when it was you..." she said.


I felt some sort of horror to what she said. Without thinking, I jumped away. "There you go, just like all the girls at all the other schools!" she said with sorrow in her voice. She turned away her head. I took her hand. "Don't do that," she said lower than before. I didn't really know what to do. She had just told me that she was in love with a girl. And it just had to be my fault and I don't see how I can help her with a problem like that. I don't have any Experian’s with love of any kind at all, so what could I do. I feel so lost.


She started to walk towards the door but I didn't let her go so she stopped. "Don't go," I told her and I really meant it. I didn't want her to leave me. But that fact scared me even more. She stared at me. Then she walked towards me until her face was only millimeters from mine. My heart jumped harder and faster than ever. It sounded like a hummingbirds wings in my chest. What was she doing to me? She pushed me to the wall still keeping the same distance. I could feel her breath in my face. She put my hand were her heart should be. It was going just as fast as mine, if not faster. She was so close that our lips almost touched. Then she said. "You're like poison for me. You can make any straight person fall just as hard as an elephant trying to fly," she said holding my hand hard against her chest. "I didn't know...," I said without breathing. ”What did you think? You're like a drug making the rest of the world disappear and all there was left would be the pink elephant. You're the pink elephant," she said. Did I hit her head in her sleep because now she was babbling about elephants?


I couldn’t speak. I didn't even have the ability to move. What did she really say? "I've never cried in front of another person, not even my mom has seen me cry," she said sounding a bit hurt. "And there you come, and down on my knees I stand. It's like you hit me with a truck or maybe you dropped a bomb at me!" she said with a voice that said angry but there was something ells in it too. It's like I had taken her life. I really was the reason for her being hurt. I felt the tears coming again. My legs started shaking and I was going to fall. Suddenly she was hugging me, holding me up in her arms. Then I heard a terrible notice but I couldn’t get where it came from. ”You’re not supposed to cry," Shane whispered in my ear. The sound was my sobbing building deep in my chest. How could she be so nice when I was the one hurting her? We stood there a long time. We ended up sitting on my bed again. We couldn’t stand anymore. I couldn’t stand anymore.


Dear diary! Help....!


"Can you promise to tell me the truth?" Shane asked me after being quiet for so long that I jumped when she spoke. I nodded. "You have to tell me what you're really thinking," she said staring in to my eyes. I didn’t know what she really meant and I don't know what she expects me to say, so I didn't answered. She looked at me a long while. Then suddenly I was in a lying position and she was on top of me. My heart was on its way out of my chest again. It was pumping so hard and fast that I was sure I was going to die. Her lips were almost touching mine again and her breathing was fast this time too. I put my hand on her chest; her heart was pumping just as hard as mine. What was this feeling? I felt the burning in my cheeks. I took her hand and put it at my chest. She looked shocked. ”There’s you're answered," I said between my breathings.


Then she sat up. ”I thought you were straight!?" she said suddenly in shock. "I never said I was," I said sarcastically. She gave me a questioning look. ”I don't know," I said and got up and walked to the kitchen. My stomach sounded like thunder. I was telling her the truth. I didn't know where my heart and where my attractions come from. I started eating toaster tart but stopped when two pair of hands grabbed my waist. I turn around to find Shane standing behind me. She still looked like a question mark. "I'm going home to clean myself up. I'll be back soon," she said smiling now. She danced out of the room and soon I heard the door slam. I finished the toast tart and sat down on the couch turning on the TV. I wasn't sure she would return but I hoped. But really where was I going now?


Soon Shane came thru the door. She had changed clothes and cleaned her face and probably showered. My heart stopped for a minute before it started moving again but faster than before. Shane stared in to my eyes as if she was unsure if I wanted her there. I jumped up on my feet and walked towards her. I laid my hands on her waist and whispered in her ear. "Why so quiet," I let my fingertips fallow her neck line and down to the heart. I could hear her heart jump one extra step. I could see in her face that she hoped that I wouldn’t hear that. I couldn’t hold back the smile. Somehow I liked this. I just smile at her and walked away. She stood frozen in the middle of the living room.


I walked pass her many times and every time, she just had to look more shocked than before. Then I felt like I had to make her relax, what can I do? I walked pass her once more. Then the next time I passed I just had to do something. I pushed her hard against the wall with a big mirror covering the entire wall. I hoped that I didn't hurt her.


I held her head so near me that I was shocked that she didn't push me away. I whispered in her ear again. ”Would you please relax! You're making me tense, and I'm the one who lives here!" I said laughing. I pulled myself back to see her expression. She didn't make a face; she just slides to the floor. I fell on my knees at her side. I felt like something I did had hurt her. ”What’s wrong," I said but my voice was so weak that I wasn't sure that she would hear it. She turned her head to me in disbelieve. ”How can you be so relaxed and just take it with such...," she said in a broken voice. "I don't know what love is, so I can’t judge," I answered looking down on my hands. It's true. I don't have the right to say anything. I didn't know what love felt like, so why should I judge her by it. She smiled lightly. "Don't do that!" I said without thinking. It kind of just jumped out of me. She looked horrified at me and at the same time she was this big question mark. ”I hate when you do that!" I said lower now looking at my hands again. "What did I do," she asked, still with horror in her face. ”Stop doing that thing when you're playing brave," I said. I felt angry when she did that. It's like she's faking a smile to protect herself from saying what she really feels. Why is this bothering me so much? Why can't I just play along like I use to do? She was still thinking about what she could have done to make me so angry with her. Then her face light up so I guessed that she got it. She smiled for real this time so I smiled back but I still felt that it was something blocking my mind.


She got up and took my wrists and pulled me up to standing position. She just stood there thoughtfully, still holding my wrists. Then she slides her hands in to mine. She stared right in to my eyes. Her eyes were so soft against mine, but still so intense. She let one of my hands go but places her free hand on myaqui cheek. I could feel that she was shaking. I couldn’t move. Hell I couldn’t even speak. I was paralyzed! My legs were shaking and I felt like I was going to fall. Why am I reacting like this just by her presence? She was closer now. She was still holding eye contact. But now I saw it, her eyes fell to my lips and then back to my eyes again. What was she thinking? "Close your eyes and don't move," she said softly. I did as she asked sense I didn't have a choice. My body wouldn’t do as I said. Then her hand slide down to my chin and I felt something warm and soft against my lips and suddenly I realized what she was doing. She backed away and scanned my face for a brief moment. Then she leaned in again, but this time I kissed her first.


We held our foreheads together just to breathe. Then I remember that we had school to attend to. I let my right arm go so that I could see the clock. "Crap! We have to go now," I said and let both of my arms go. Shane looked at her clock too. She nodded and pulled my hand with her as she started to walk out. I didn't resist. There was no point.









Chapter 5: Then it was dark


Dear diary! Shane has told me something about herself that scared me but really I think I might feel the same way about her. She thought I was like a pink elephant that never left her mind but I felt like she was the pink elephant in my mind. It's like when you get a stupid song on your mind that just won’t go away, but this was sweeter in some ways. I'm not being annoyed by this song; instead I have an addiction to it. She was like a drug, a sweet poison going thru my veins and I liked it. By the way I got my first kiss today and it was a girls.


I didn't even notice that we had left the building until we stood by the bus stop. She had turned to face me but I was gone with my train of thought. She stroked the back of her hand on my cheek so that I would come back. I did but my heart started pumping to hard and I felt that there was something wrong. I felt a massive pain. I looked at Shane just before it suddenly went black.


When I finally manage to open my eyes, everything was withe and there was some kind of blipping sound. My body felt very stiff. I turned my head to my right. It was a respiratory thing. I must be in a hospital. I sniffed. Yapp definitively a hospital. But how did I get here? I let my eyes float thru the room before I saw Shane sleeping in a chair beside me. I tried to move my body but I ended up crying in pain. It was when I was trying to make a sound I felt how soar my thought was. It was just as soar as the rest of my body. How long had I been out? "Shane," I manage to say but it came out so weakly that I was most surety that she hadn’t heard it. She flickered her eyes before she had returned her sight. "So you've finally decided to wake up," she said sounding happy. ”How are you feeling?” she asked then with amount of worry in her voice and it reaches her eyes to. My eyes flicker towards a glass of weather. She helped me lift the glass. It hurt to drink too. ”What happened?" I asked Shane. She stared at me for a moment before she answered. ”They wouldn’t tell me," she said with a sad voice. ”How long was I out?" I asked then. She stared weirdly at me again. ”Three days, it's Saturday today" She said and kissed my forehead. I had been out three days! "Can we call in a doctor or something?" I had to know what had happen. Shane just nodded and pushed a red button. Soon someone opened the door. It was a woman in white. ”Oh! She has finely come back" She said smiling. Shane nodded without looking at the woman. "What happen?” I asked. "Well I can't tell you sense Shane isn't family..." She started. Shane strokes my cheek. My heart started hitting hard and fast again. The respiratory started blipping faster too. Now I really wanted to disappear. Shane smiled and left the room smoothly.


The doctor looked shocked. ”Well it appears that you're heart stopped" The doctor said then. ”What! Why?" I asked in shocked. "We don't know yet. But you might just have a weak heart and if you've been under an activity that might have made you're heart work harder that it's use to" She told me "We've put your name on the list for a new heart but you have a really rear blood type so..." She said. "You can't be as active as before, were you doing any activities before you collapsed?" She asked me. I hadn't been running or anything. The only thing that was new for me was...Shane. I blushed of the thought. ”No!" I answered. ”But for the heart to collapse it must have been in a massive stress and pressure" She said sounding a bit like she was in panic. Then she stopped just like she got something. ”Shane would you like to come in here for a minute” She said then.


Shane came in walking strictly to my side. She looked as confused as I was. Shane took my hand. My heart jumped once but yet this time the respiratory caught it. I blushed. Shane smiled at me to confirm that she heard it too. "Shane what did you two do before she collapsed?" The doctor asked Shane. Shane looked at me but I couldn’t give hear more than a glance before I felt the need to look away. I didn't know what she would answer and if she would tell the truth. ”Nothing really, we were just waiting for the buss to come" She answered as she stroke her hand over my hair. I stared at my hands. ”Well we're going to run some more tests and give you a sedative and then you can go home” The doctor said and walked out of the room.


Shane pulled up my hand to her chest. She leaned over me so that her lips touched mine. My heart once again didn't hide my feelings for her. The machine started blipping like crazy. ”I hate that thing!” I said between my teeth. ”Well I don't mind it, it never lies" Shane answered me smiling. Then she kissed me but she didn't do it as light like before. No she really kissed me with real emotion. Maybe it was that she was confident that I too wanted it. But how was this going to turn out. Were we exclusive? And how did this work? What would I tell them? What was mom going to say? I kissed her too.


I wanted to get up out of the bed but then when I was going to get up on my elbows, still kissing Shane, I felt massive pain in my chest and I couldn’t hold back the cry of pain. Shane jumped, in shock of the scream, and landed ten feet away it seemed. She stared at the machine. One line was red, there was almost no room between the waves. And suddenly it was a flat line. More than that couldn’t I see before it was black.


When I opened my eyes again I had directly recognized the sound but the room was a bit different than before. I turned my head to find Shane with tears running down her cheeks. Then I noticed that there was one more machine on my side. ”Shane" I said to get her attention. ”Yes" She answered weakly as she tried to wipe away the tears. ”Why are you crying?" I asked her. She didn't look at me at first but then she turned her face and stared in to my eyes before she answered. ”It’s nothing" She said but even she saw thru that lie "I need to call your parents; they have to come and get you" She said then. ”No I don't want them to worry about me" I told her. It didn't really matter if they came, I truly didn't want them to think that I couldn’t take care of myself. ”Kate it's serious, I'm not supposed to be here" Shane said but she didn't look me in the eyes as she said that. What was she thinking? ”What!" Was all I managed to say. She gave me one single gaze before she stared down. Why was she so distant? What had I done? ”What did I do?" I asked. My voice was broken. I couldn’t do anything about it. Shane didn't answer. I pushed the red button. It felt as forever before the doctor entered the room. "So you're up again” She said not as a question more of a statement. I glanced at the two machines. "Yeah, that’s makes your heart beat when it shuts down" She said. She talked like I was a kid. I knew what it was; I just didn't know the name on it. "Shane you should go home and get some rest" The doctor said. Shane gave me an apologizing look and walked out. ”What happened" I asked the doctor. ”Well the heart rate went to high so you fainted" She said. ”But why did it hurt so much to move?" I asked. It didn't seem right that it would hurt in my chest so much. ”It hurt?” She asked. She looked confused. I nodded. She pushed a button.


Soon a man walked in the room. "Yes what can I do for you Caroline, I meant Dr, Clienen" He excused himself. "She tells me that she was hurting before she collapsed, so I'm thinking that you're theory might be it" She said. "But you said it wouldn’t matter if I was right, it would be absurd" He said in shock. "Yes well do we have any choice, we have to know what triggers it. Right?" She said. Her voice sounded desperate. I saw that he nodded. ”Kate what were you doing before it went black?" She who apparently was named Caroline said. I didn't answer. ”The only reason we ask is so that we can see what makes your heart go so high that it almost explodes" The guy told me. I really didn't want to answer. ”Please Kate" She said. ”Can we take this another time, I'm tired so I'm not really thinking clearly" I said. They nodded and left the room. I was tired but I couldn’t sleep. My head didn't let me. It just keeps going on about Shane.

I didn't hate it but needier did I like the things I thought. I was questioning if we were a copal or was this just a flirt. How should I know? And if this was love I was feeling. How would I know if she really did love me the way I love her or was I mistaking my love or was she just being nice. But that didn't make any sense, sins it was she who came on to me first. But if it came to it, would I touch her for real and what was I supposed to do. What was I supposed to do about these questions? I wouldn’t ask her that much I knew. But I had to know why she was so sad when she left. I didn't want her to leave me.


Submitted: January 25, 2014

© Copyright 2021 Jamie L Monster. All rights reserved.


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