July 24 2013
I remember the way the water reflected, that first day. Do you? It's been three years since then. Sometimes I catch myself wondering if you ever look back at that summer. I do. Every time I close my eyes it's there in my mind. You're there. So much time has passed but I still feel the same.
June 15 2010
I walked down the town between the narrow shops and market stands. I still remember the song playing in my headphones. I was sort of feeling happy that day. The sun was hot and high in the sky with no clouds in sight. I closed my eyes for a second and it was as if the world stopped for a few seconds, just so that I could feel the air, and the smell of a sweet perfume just before something hit me hard and I fell to the ground.
The first thing I could feel after the impact was the pulsing of my heart, my blood. Next thing that happens is me looking up at the blue sky and I don't even think. I know that the only two things that could have happened were equally terrible. Either I was shot or I was just hit by an object that must have gone thru me because now I was starting to feel the pain emerging. I let my face fall to the side and I could see everyone running. I'd heard about these things before, but you never really think it'd happen to you, its stuff of films and of papers. Random shootings, someone angry at the world, someone didn't get the attention they needed. It's unfair really. If I'd had a gun I'd shoot myself, not taken everyone else with me. I closed my eyes, as my playlist just continued and I could ignore all the screaming people and gunshots. It might make me one of the most selfish people, but I couldn't, even if I'd wanted to, get up and run. I felt myself slowly fall down into an endless darkness, just drifting off.
All of the suddenly someone pulled off my headphones and I was pulled out of the darkness only to be hit by bright lights blinding me as there were, shouting, and someone was pumping in air into my lungs, forcing it down my throat, hurting me. I felt so shocked that I instantly tried to get up but hands held me down. "She's awake, hello, can you hear me?" a voice asked. I remember how she leaned in as they were running down the halls with me on a bed from an ambulance. She had her brown hair put up in a ponytail and her eyes were so clear and bright even though they were brown. She had a slight frown. "Ms. you have been shot, are you with me?" she asked. I know I thought it was such a manufactured line. This was clearly a manuscript they are given in medic school. "Yes," I answered weakly as I then felt the sharp pain and I screamed. The girl looked a little worried swallowed it fast a she looked at me. Her blue scrubs were covered with blood, clearly fresh. I started to panic as I realized it was my blood. "Oh, god let me go," I screamed as I tried to make them let go of me. The girl laid a hand on my chest and pushed me down. "Calm down, we’re trying to help you," she tried to explain. "No, I don't want to..." I said but drifted out of consciousness. I think they gave me a shot to calm me but I wasn’t sure. The black darkness pulled me down so fast.
June 16 2010
I'd wake up blinded by the bright light, soar and broken in a lonely room. I tried to move a little but I felt the tearing of my stitched up wounds. I cried a little as I then looked around for a button to push, but just then she'd walked thru the door with a chart in her hand. She looked cleaner and a little moved rested. Had I been gone a lot of hours? She looked up at me and smiled lightly. "Hey you're awake. How are you feeling?" she asked as she walked closer. "Like hell," I answered. She nodded and looked worried. "I bet you do, can you feel your limbs?" she asked. I did try to move them. I could but they were heavy. "Yes," I answered. She nodded and noted down on the chart.
"We kept you sedated throughout the process since it took a little while for the plastic surging to get here," she said then. I frowned as little. "Why did you use a plastic surgeon?" I asked. She looked at me and smiled lightly. "Because a beautiful girl like you shouldn't have to live with ugly scars," she said as she then looked down at her chart and then over at the blood transfusion bag. It was the first time I noticed the cannula in my arm. I instantly fainted.
When I came to, she was holding my hand while she was taking my blood pressure. "Oh, you fainted," she concluded when she met my gaze. "I'm not good with needles or blood," I answered. She nodded. "Well you're fine. But since you were hit with two bullets, one thru the shoulder, one in your abdomen, we'll have to keep you here under observation for a while," she said. I sighed and turned away my head. "How many were hit?" I asked absently, since I was alone, it felt odd when something like this happens. "There was another but the bullet only scraped his arm. Someone had jumped the guy with the gun so it's only you," she answered. So I get hit with two bullets but no one else. That's not even fair.
I sighed but it hurt a lot so I cried a little. “Don’t move it’s going to hurt a lot. I could give you some morphine,” she said as she turned around and opened a drawer and started fumbling with something. I actually for the first time noticed her body completely. I don’t know why I reacted to the image of her beside me. I mean I wasn’t clueless about the fact that I liked girls but never dared to go there, but it was strange in a way that I would even consider that when I was laying broken in a hospital.
“Hey, turn your head away and look at the door,” she said. I did as asked but it felt strange. She fumbled a little with something by my arm. Then she turned and walked a few steps away and I heard her drop something metal on the counter. I automatically turned. She covered up fast and then turned to me and smiled a little. “Does it feel better?” she asked. I could feel my body relaxing slightly. “Yeah... thank you,” I said and looked down at my hands as I felt like blushing but I also felt like a dork. “I couldn’t find any emergency contact in your records. Do you have anyone you want me to call for you?” she asked. I shook my head slightly. “No,” I answered.
“Oh, well... there’s a nurse coming with some forms and such she’d need you to fill in. Is there anything I can do for you in the meantime?” she asked as she laid a hand on mine and her eyes met mine. My monitor started beeping significantly faster and stronger. I blushed. She looked over at the monitor and bit her lip a little and then smiled. “Don’t stress about it, you can just push the red button there and someone will be here to help you,” she said and smiled kindly. “Yeah,” I said a little vaguely. She let go of my hand and looked over at the window where the blinds were down. “Do you want those open or are you going to get some more sleep?” she asked then. I didn’t say anything since I wasn’t sure. She looked a little uneasy at the watch. “Well call if there’s anything,” she said and walked out of the room.
I lay there just staring at the roof for what felt like hours. Then a small girl entered the room with a lot of papers. “Hello, good day Ms. I need you to fill out these forms for me,” she said and laid the papers and a pen in front of me. “Okay,” I said. She turned to walk out. “Hey, what hospital is this?” I asked her. “Oh, it’s the St. Holden’s, the rest of them were full,” she said and walked out. I frowned slightly. So it explained why I was so alone. This is a small hospital so most people end up at the bigger once. When I say small, I mean tiny. I filled in the papers. Then a rare form came up. It asked about things that I thought was personal if I’d been in sexual relations. How recently? How many the last six months and so on, it just felt odd to answer. I filled it in but it felt really weird. Well fun for them since I just filled in none. Why the hell would they need this information? I mean it’s not like I hadn’t been in any relationship. I just never let it get that far. I guess I’ve always been scared and it’d take a lot for me to overcome it.
June 17 2010
I really just wanted to get out of there. The sun was high in the sky so it was hot and stuffy in my room, but I was alone and unable to move. I’d been staring at the same spot for hours and hours. After a while she came in again. She smiled lightly. “Gosh, it’s hot,” she said as she walked over to my window and opened it wide so that the air could come in. Not that it was cooler outside but in general it smelled like hospital and blood. “Yeah,” I answered as I looked down at my hands again. What was I supposed to say?
She walked over to me and then lifted my chart and frowned a little. “Oh,” she said and bit her lip slightly and walked over to a drawer again. “Look away,” she said. I did as asked as she gave me another shot of morphine. “How much pain have you been in?” she asked sounding a little worried. She met my gaze and I felt ice pass thru my spine. What’s wrong with me? “You don’t talk much do you?” she said as she laid her hand on mine lightly again. “No, I can talk, but I just...,” I started but wasn’t sure where I was heading. “I don’t know what to say,” I said. She nodded.
I looked at her nametag. Maria Sanchez. “That’s fine. I guess it’s hard when you’re in pain and stuck in this place. How are you really feeling besides the wounds?” she asked. I felt like crying. I felt a tear escape down my cheek. She looked a little worried and wiped it away softly. “Hey, it’s okay. You’re going to be fine,” she said calmly and softly. I shook my head even though that hurt a lot. “No, I don’t want this anymore. I just want out,” I said in a whisper more to myself than her. She looked a little shocked but then her face softened. “Yeah, it feels like that some days,” she said as she then looked down and a little distant as if she knew the feeling a little too well.
She then took up my chart again and frowned as she read thru some pages. “So you live alone? Do you have any relatives, friends that can take care of you?” she asked then as she looked worried as she read thru my papers. “No, my parents passed away, I just moved here to take care of them before they passed,” I answered. She nodded as she continued reading. “I’m so sorry for you loss,” she added as she looked up at me. “I guess you’ll be under my care until we know for sure everything is okay and you can go home,” she said. “How old are you really?” I asked her then. She frowned lightly. “Twenty six, why?” she asked. I sighed. “You look so young to be a doctor,” I said. She smiled lightly. “Yeah, I know. I graduated early and all that,” she said. I looked down at my hands slightly.
“Why’d you want to work with this?” I asked then. She smiled a little. “Because I want to help others, it just seemed logical to me,” she said. I sighed. “Yeah, but what about blood and all that, I mean, I feel sick just because I can smell my own blood and what not,” I said. She frowned a little and looked seriously at me. “We’re all made out of flesh and blood. But sure, sometimes it gets to me, but I have to ignore it or else I wouldn’t be any good to anyone,” she explained as she then walked over and took out some new bandages and stuff.
“I’m going to change your bandages and pressure pads,” she explained as she then lifted my blanket and pulled, carefully, off the clothes. She paused slightly as she looked at my body. I felt uncomfortable by it. She then continued by removing them carefully one by one as she washed it out and looked at the stitching’s. “It looks like you’re healing pretty well,” she said as she then put on new once. “It’s still ugly,” I said as I for the first time had seen the wounds. She shook her head. “No, you’re beautiful, it’s just going to take a little time for you to heal,” she said and looked seriously at me. I shook my head a little and looked away from her.
“I mean it, you are,” she said then a little softer. I frowned and then met her gaze. A part of me wondered if I was supposed to be a little uncomfortable with the way she looked at me just then. I sighed. “No, but thank you for trying,” I said. She frowned and shook her head a little as she fumbled a little with something and I started feeling relaxed and things got fuzzy. “Try to sleep a little okay,” she whispered then. I looked at her as she walked over to the window and looked out. “Don’t you have other patients that need you,” I said. She looked over at me and smiled a little. “I do, but for the moment I only have three and one of them is in a coma and the other one is surrounded with family and is recovering well. So I can take all the time I need with you,” she said and smiled lightly. “Really, shouldn’t you have...?” I started asking but she walked over to me and laid a hand on my cheek. “It’s a small hospital and a lot of staff. Everyone takes on a few each,” she said. I looked into her eyes. What was this? Why was I reacting like this again?
She smiled lightly. “So I hope you don’t mind that I do have the time to care about you,” she said. I blushed and looked down. “No, I was just asking,” I said as I then looked up at her and smiled lightly. She looked calmly and softly at me as she then looked over at the door as if to check it was closed. “So is there anything else I can do for you? Do you want to listen to music or watch TV, read the paper, anything?” she asked. I sighed. “Where's my phone? I want to listen to music,” I asked. She smiled a little. “I’ll get it for you,” she said and walked out.
She returned shortly with it and handed it to me as she sat down on a chair and watched me as I chose songs for my playlist and put in a head phone as I lay there for a while listening. I closed my eyes as I let the music take control. It's like washing away everything inside you, every thought, every feeling. I love it. I really do. "What are you listening to?" she asked. It made me aware of that she was still looking at me. I blushed. She took the headphone that I had left out and listened. "My fault with Imagine dragons," she concluded. "Yeah," I answered. She smiled a little. "They're good. What kind of music do you listen to?" she asked and genuinely interested. I handed her my phone. "You can take a look, it's a lot," I said. She smiled a little as she looked thru my lists. "Wow, you've got good taste," she said. I nodded a little. She then looked at her watch. "Just call if you feel lonely or if the morphine wears off," she said and got up and walked out. I lay there for a while wondering why she’d take so much time with me either way. Even if she's got nearly no patients she could go on a break or something. Why she is even interested in what I listen to or anything.
July 3 2010
I sat on the bed as I was still soar but I really need to get out of here and I could walk and everything so they wouldn't need to hold me any longer. Sure, Maria has been really kind to me and I want to talk to her and just be around for those minutes I get to see her, but I can't do this. I can't stand this room. I pulled on a t-shirt Maria had gotten for me since mine was ruined by the gun shots. She'd also gotten me some soft pants. I was just about to putt on my shoes when she walked in. "Oh, I can do that. You shouldn't restrain yourself," she said as she walked over fast and sat down on one knee and helped me. It made me feel weak and childish. "Thanks," I said. She looked up at me and smiled lightly. "Yeah, it's no problem. I guess you’re going home today," she said and there was a sad tone to it. I sighed. "Yes," I answered. She bit her lip as she straightened up and looked around. "If you wait another half hour I could give you a lift home so you don't have to take a cab," she said. I frowned. "Are you sure that's okay? I mean isn't there some kind of... Patients and doctors aren't supposed to... Hang out," I said. She smiled a little. "Oh, yeah, well the moment you sign out you're not in my care anymore so," she said and winked a little. I blushed. She's been giving me so many mixed signals or is it me that’s confusing this with my imagination and fantasies?
I nodded a little. "Okay, I'll wait till you’re done," I said. She smiled and nodded. I waited about half an hour before I decided I’d check out. The desk lady looked at me with a little pity. “Oh, honey, how are you feeling?” she asked as she was giving me papers. “Trapped in a box,” I answered. She smiled lightly. “Yeah, I understand that. Just remember that you have to call if your wounds get infected or if you’re experiencing some pains and such,” she said. I nodded as I signed the papers. “I will. I just really want to sleep in my own bed.” I said as I yawned a little. She nodded and pushed a few buttons on the computer. “Do you want me to call a cab for you?” she asked then. I opened my mouth to say something when I saw Maria walking towards the door. She looked over at me and nodded sideways for me to come. “No, I’ll be fine, thank you,” I said and walked after Maria who waited for me. “Hey,” she said and smiled a little. It made it flutter inside me. What am I doing? I should have taken a cab home. I live far from here. “Hi,” I responded as we then walked out on the parking lot.
The sun outside felt both great but also it made me sick. I felt like fainting. “Are you okay?” Maria asked fast as she caught me before I fell. “Yeah, I’m just a little...,” I said. She nodded and led me to her car. It was a fairly new car and all. As she was driving she seemed a bit lost in thought. She was quiet for a long time. “So I guess you’re just dying to get home,” she said then. I smiled a little. “Yeah,” I said. “Yeah, I’m not great company I guess,” she said then. I frowned. “You’re great, it’s just me... I haven’t been the cheeriest person ever lately. I mean, I usually am really forward thinking and happy, well shy but lately it’s been kind of dark and then that happened. I could have been a little more of a company to you. I’m sorry about that,” I explained to her.
She looked over at me. “Yeah, I guess I already know the answer to this, but why are you so down and dark now?” she asked. I frowned. “What do you think I’ll answer?” I asked. She sighed. “That it’s not just one thing, it’s a lot of small insignificant things, things that happens, things that don’t happen, it’s impossible to even start to understand where it comes from. It’s just there creeping inside,” she said and raised one eyebrow. I frowned a little. “That’s scary that you know that,” I answered. She nodded and looked seriously at me. “I do see you,” she said then. I felt chills in my body. The kind you like, the once that makes you want to talk to someone, touch someone. I turned my face away since I didn’t want to show her that I was blushing.
She parked outside my apartment building. I looked over at her. “Thank you, for everything,” I said as she looked over at me. She bit her lip. “Yeah, no problem,” she said and hesitated a little. “I know this might sound weird or inappropriate to you, but can I see you again? Like hang out, do something, you know," she asked. I bit my lip. Was this really happening? "Yeah, sure," I said. She blushed lightly. "Great, I'll text you some time," she said. I nodded and got out and walked a few steps before I looked back at her. I blushed and then walked on. What the hell was that? Did I just... She's my doctor! And I don't know what the hell I'm doing. This is messed up, even for me.
As I walked thru the doors to my apartment I was relieved that I'd actually taken out the trash and all before I left. I started going thru my mail. I had a few bills to pay so I did. Afterwards I walked into the shower and undressed in front of the huge mirrored wall. I looked at the scars. They didn't look as bad as I thought, but a part of me didn’t feel as good about it. I look sort of bad ass and I guess that could be an upside. I then stepped in the shower. But since I'm idiotic I showered in too hot water and passed out. I woke up in a pool of blood since I hit my head. I got up fast but unsteadily. I covered it with my hand but it was blood filled in just a few seconds. I then put a towel to it as I walked towards my medicine cabinet to get a band aid. I found white stripes, the kind you use to hold a wound together. In couldn't bear the thought of going to the hospital so I did it with trembling hands and weak knees.
July 4 2010
I lay in bed just staring at the sealing. Why should I get up? I can't work for another weak and I have nothing to do today. I lay there for more than an hour before my body started giving me pains. I got up and took some painkillers and a glass of water. Then I went back to bed and fell asleep.
July 5 2010
I woke up by my phone getting a text. It was after one so I was even shocked that I was still sleeping. "Hi, it's Maria. I was wondering if you'd be up for doing something tomorrow afternoon." I stared at it for a while until I actually understood what it said. "Sure, what did you have in mind?" I answered and fell asleep again.
I woke up two hours later and realized I hadn't heard her reply. "It's a secret," she had answered. "Alright, yeah just tell me when," I sent back. She's going to think I'm the worlds slowest to text. "Did you fall asleep or something?" she texted back. I frowned. "Yes, why do you ask," I answered. "Look at your watch again," she sent. I frowned and looked at my watch. Shit it's three am. "Oh, god, I'm so sorry. My head isn't really straight. I'm so sorry," I sent. "It's fine. I just got home from my shift so at least you didn't wake me up or anything, how are you doing?,“ I sighed and looked around as my body felt weird. "I don't know. I've just been sleeping since I tripped. I don't know maybe I should call a doctor in the morning or something," I wrote. "You hit your head?! What happened?" she asked then. "I fainted in the shower and blacked out. I was bleeding a little when I woke up but I patched it up so I'm fine," I answered. "Oh, god, do you want me to take a look at it. You might have a concussion," she wrote then. I bit my lip. "Yeah, I guess, but you don't have to. I can call someone in the morning," I sent. "No, really, I can check it now, I can come over," she wrote. "Okay," I said. Oh, what am I doing?
I then realized that I should get dressed properly. I got up and changed in to normal clothes and fixed my hair. I could see that I had bled thru my band aids. I bit my lip as I removed them and put on a new one. I looked fairly okay, at least a lot better than I did at the hospital. It knocked on my door and I felt that nervousness I hated. I walked over to my door and opened it. There she stood. She had let her hair down and it went in waves, perfectly laid over her shoulders. She was wearing a black top with a cleavage that for some reason drew my attention, and she had black tight jeans. She looked beautiful. "Hi," she said. I opened the door wider. "Hi," I said a little shaky. She removed her shoes as I walked into my living room. She followed me as I then sat down on my couch. She sat down beside me. I could see small hints of her being a little tired.
"So when you say a little blood, how much was it really?" she asked then as she laid a hand on my cheek and looked at my band aid. I sighed. "A lot," I admitted. She frowned and looked worried as she removed the patchwork I'd done. "You should have said something. You should have had this stitched up," she said as she grabbed my chin and twisted my face to the side so she could get a better look.
"Do you have any more stripes?" she asked then. I nodded. "Yeah, in the medicine cabinet," I answered as I had a lump in my throat. She got up and then returned with a series of things and she removed everything I had put there to stop the bleeding. She started washing it. "At least you stopped the bleeding," she said as she then met my gaze. She blushed lightly. "Sorry," she said as she then washed it and it stung a little. I kept quiet.
When she was done it looked a little better. "So, you should survive that," she said. I nodded. "Thank you, I know this wasn't what you had in mind when you said we could hang out sometime," I said and looked down at my hands. She laid a hand on my cheek. "It's okay. I want to help. But no, I meant something a little different," she said. I met her eyes. I felt an electric current pass my body as I held eye contact with her.
"I'm not good at these kinds of situations," I whispered. She smiled lightly. "It's okay," she said slowly as she moved a little closer. I moved closer as well. "It's just that it's a little new to me," I said. She bit her lip lightly. "Yeah, then I have to ask you one thing," she said. I froze a little. I don't want her to ask about my sex life. "Can I kiss you?" she asked then as she was really close to me. I nodded as I wanted to kiss her as well. Our lips met a little hesitant as she then pulled me close and I her while we kissed first slowly but then a little more frantic. It felt amazing and she was really good at it. She was as soft in her movements as she let her hand slide down my neck and my back as she pulled me even closer.
We broke apart a little to get some air. I met her eyes again. What was I doing? I barely know her, but that's not true either. We've talked every day for two weeks and here she is in the middle of the night to check my forehead. She's so beautiful. How can she even be looking at me like this? She moved her face a little closer. "What's wrong?" she asked carefully. I bit my lip. Sure this feels really absurd, but I like it.
“Nothing, I was just thinking,” I whispered back. She played a little with my hair as she caressed my cheek lightly. “Yeah, okay, what do you think?” she asked softly as she then met my eyes again. I felt like I just wanted to kiss her again. I looked down automatically as I let my gaze go to her cleavage and her form. She’s so beautiful. How can she even like me? I’ve not even flirted with her, not that I would even know how to flirt with someone like her. I smirked a little. “Just how beautiful you really are,” I whispered.
She smirked back. “Well yeah, in normal clothes maybe, but in scrubs I’m just another blue sheet,” she said a little sarcastic. It wasn’t until then I realized that she wasn’t as confident in scrubs. I frowned. “No, even then you look great. Maybe a little less with blood all over them, but that’s only because it’s scary,” I said. She smiled a little. “Are you trying to flirt with me?” she said a little playfully. I blushed instantly. Oh, god. “No…” I started, but she interrupted me with kissing me. “I like it, like I like you,” she whispered as she then continued kissing me. I followed in even though I wasn’t sure how much further she was going for. She then pulled away a little and yawned, but covered up with her arm. “I’m sorry, I should go, it’s been a long day,” she said and looked at her watch. I frowned a little. I guess I understand, but I didn’t want her to go.
“You could stay the night…,” I said. She looked at me and bit her lip lightly. “Are you sure?” she asked carefully. I took a deep breath. “Yeah, I mean, I’m not suggesting we’d… but I mean, you could sleep here, if you want,” I said with a little shaky voice. She smiled a little and laid a hand on my cheek. “I didn’t think you were. Okay, but I guess we better get you to eat something first,” she said then and smiled softly. I blushed. “How…,” I started. “I’m a doctor, I can see the signs,” she said as she took my hand and got up and walked to my kitchen.
July 6 2010
I woke up with her arms around me and her lips against my forehead. I blushed. It felt unrealistic. What is this? What am I doing really? I don’t know what to do, this isn’t me? I moved a little to get lose. She woke up, got up and got dressed. What is weirder is that I actually liked that she held me in her sleep. “Sorry, it’s a reflex,” she mumbled then. I shrugged lightly. “Its fine,” I answered as I walked to the bathroom.
When I came out again she sat on the edge of my bed. “So are you okay?” she asked. I nodded. “Yeah why wouldn’t I be?” I asked. Why is she worried I wouldn’t be? She smiled lightly. “No, I just thought I’d ask,” she said. I nodded. We ate a little breakfast. “So you wanted to do something this afternoon,” I said. She nodded and looked thoughtful. “Yeah,” she said.
We sat by a lake on a blanket. It was beautiful. The reflections on the water, the air was cool on my skin. The green trees seemed a little too green and the grass was unbelievably green. She held my hand lightly in hers. “Do you like it?” she asked carefully. I looked over at her. Was she talking about the lake or the fact that she was holding my hand? “Yes,” I answered. She smiled a little. “This is where I wanted to kiss you for the first time,” she said then. I frowned. She’d really planned it in her head. Why would she even think about such a thing? It seems so childish really. I mean, when I had a crush on someone I’d imagine it in some place, but that was years ago for me.
“Yeah, so you wanted to drive me miles away from my home, out in a forest, and then to a lake, so that you could kiss me, and I couldn’t get home without you?” I asked. She blushed and looked over at me. “I didn’t think about it like that,” she said. I smiled a little. “It’s beautiful,” I added. She smiled a little and moved closer to me. She held eye contact with me as she looked down at my lips every now and then. I leaned closer and kissed her.
We sat there kissing for a while. Then she smiled. “I have to ask, did you… notice that I liked you?” she asked then. I blushed. “No, I just felt stupid for thinking about it, looking at you… I’ve never been interested in a woman before,” I said. She smiled a little. “Oh, well I guess that would explain why your heartbeat increased so vastly,” she said a little playfully. I blushed. She leaned in and kissed me again.
We lay there kissing for a while as I slowly felt her hand caress my breast on the shirt. She didn’t go close to going under it. Usually when I’d make out with a guy, he’d go straight to it and try to pull it off and well yeah. This was a little different. She wasn’t hasty. She let her hand flow my contours a little. I did as well.
She stopped and looked into my eyes as she whipped away a strain of hair from my face, and laid it behind my ear. “So would you go out with me some other time?” she asked and made a face like she felt ridicules for asking. It sounded ridicules. I smiled a little. “Yeah, sure,” I answered. She rolled her eyes a little. “You know that’s a little unemotional to just say sure,” she said. I blushed. “I know it’s just that I’m never sure what to say. I don’t want to sound naïve or too excited,” I admitted. She blushed. “So you’re happy about this?” she asked a little insecure. I nodded.
She smiled then and kissed me with a little more power. “Good,” she whispered as she then grabbed my hand and pulled me up standing. “Don’t down-play your emotions, around me. I’m not the kind of girl who likes to follow the rules. I want you to want me as much as I want you,” she said as she let one of her arms go around my waist and pulled me closer. I held around her as she just held around me. She smelled great and it feels oddly comforting to just hold her like this.
“I have to tell you something though,” she whispered then without moving. I didn’t say anything. “I’m not as confident as I seem. I can’t always make the first move,” she whispered. I nodded. “I know,” I answered as I pulled out a little and kissed her carefully. She held me closer even though there was no space between us. “I’m not used to this,” I whispered. She nodded as we kissed for a while before she took my hand.
“Do you want to go for a swim?” she asked and smiled a little. I blushed. “I’m not… I don’t…,” I started. “You’re shy,” she concluded. I nodded. She bit her lip a little. “The water here is really dark. You can’t see thru it,” she added. I bit my lip and looked down. “Yeah, but… fine,” I said. She frowned a little. “You don’t have to, if you don’t want to,” she said. I sighed a little and looked around us. There was no one around for miles. “Are you a serial killer?” I asked then. She started laughing a little bit. It sounded so harmoniously beautiful. “No, why?” she asked playfully. I bit my lip. “We’re completely alone,” I said as I looked around. She smiled. “Yes, that’s the point. I wanted to be alone with you,” she said and looked a little worried at me. I sighed. If I die, I die; it’s as simple as that. “Fine,” I said.
She smiled a little as she walked towards the edge and pulled off, one, clothing, after the other as I just saw her dive into the water naked. She was beautiful and graceful. I stood there and felt a little awkward. She surfaced and smiled at me. “Coming?” she asked. I blushed. “Don’t look,” I said. She nodded as she turned around as she swam in the same place. I took a deep breath as I undressed with shaky hands and weak knees. I can’t believe I’m about to do this. What am I doing? I bit my lip as I pulled off my underwear. I hesitated as I jumped down in the water. At first it was a little cold but then it felt a little warmer. She was right about the water being almost black.
She turned around and smiled a little at me. “See,” she said as she swam closer to me. I blushed. It actually felt nice but odd. I was technically naked in front of her. I mean, I’ve probably been naked in front of her before without knowing it, but still, it felt different now. She swam a little closer, a little too close for me to be completely confident. “Hey, let’s swim over there, see who’s fastest,” she said playfully. I smiled a little. “Sure,” I said. She smirked as we started swimming.
She was actually really fast. I used to be fast but after a while, my shoulder started hurting a lot. I stopped. She noticed fast. “Are you okay?” she asked fast as she turned around. “No, my shoulder…,” I started but she swam closer to me. “I forgot,” she said as she was almost touching me. I instantly pulled back a little as I reminded myself that I was naked. She looked a little shocked but then frowned. “Don’t mind that. Let me look at it,” she said as she grabbed my good arm and swam behind me as she looked at my shoulder blade and then over my shoulder. “Its fine, your muscle there, is still recovering,” she said. I blushed heavily since she was so close to me.
“Sarah, I have seen your body and I think you’re beautiful, and I’m also a doctor, so please try to relax,” she whispered in my ear. It’s the first time I’ve heard her use my name. Why did it sound familiar, why does she feel so familiar? Have I actually met her before? No, I would have remembered. I know she’s right. “I know, I’m sorry,” I whispered. She nodded as she let her hands go around my waist softly and she kissed my shoulder. “I’m not going to touch you if you don’t want me to and I want to, believe me I do, but I... It's not about that," she whispered.
I felt like crying for some reason. I bit my lip. I know I trust her even if it’s crazy. I turned towards her carefully. "It scares me," I whispered. She frowned slightly. "What does?" she asked. I sighed a little. "This. All of it, just the fact that I trust you but I don't know why or how, I barely know you," I whispered. She bit her lip slightly. "I could show you who I am," she said then. It made me a little scared of what she would show me. I nodded a little. "Yeah," I asked. She nodded and pulled me a little closer to her under the water. Then she kissed me.
Later on I was in her flat. It was really beautiful. She walked into the kitchen. "Do you want anything to drink?" she asked. I walked around in the living room. She had done a lot of things. She'd traveled to France and Italy and some other places but it was hard to tell where. She had huge bookshelves, with both books, and different things like a sword in the middle of it and a few photo frames. It all looked so perfectly balanced as if it was taken out of a magazine.
She came walking out and leaned against the door frame. "I did ask you a question," she said and smirked. I turned around and looked at her as I blushed. "Oh, sorry, what did you ask?" I asked a little embarrassed that I'd be so oblivious. She smiled. "It doesn't matter. Are you hungry?" she asked. I shrugged. She shook her head a little. "In or out?" she asked as she walked towards me. I bit my lip. "I have no clue," I answered.
She nodded. "Yeah, okay, what do you have a clue about?" she asked as she laid her hands on my waist. I held my breath since it scared me a little that she was so comfortable with this. She held eye contact with me. "I don't know," I answered. She frowned a little and her grip loosened. "You know you can tell me if you think something I do is uncomfortable or if you don't like it," she said. "No, no, it's not like that. I'm just not used to... You do it so easily," I said fast.
She bit her lip. "Maybe I do, but it’s not like I don’t think about it because I do. Usually it scares me to be this forwards towards anyone,” she said and looked a little distant. “I didn’t mean to offend you,” I said as I’d realized that maybe I shouldn’t have said that. She shook her head a little. “Its fine, I understand," she said. Did she really understand what I nearly never let anyone this close to me? That whenever someone tries to hug me I usually freak out a little bit on the inside.
She took my hand lightly. “I guess, you want to know who I am,” she said as she led me towards a bookshelf and took out a book and then she walked to another one and took out a music album and a small paper bit. “This is me,” she said and handed them to me. The book was a year book. “You went to the same high school as me,” I said a little shocked. She nodded calmly. “Yeah, I was in senior year when you were a freshman,” she said. I blushed. How could I have missed that? She’s Maria, the hot senior who everyone tried to date but she rejected nearly everyone. She helped me out the first week when I wasn’t sure where to sit. She invited me to sit by her table with all the cool kids. I remember how awfully awkward it felt at first. She didn’t say much to me; she just smiled and introduced me to the others. The next week I had gotten to know some others and I ended up at their table and the only other times I saw her, was in the halls or that charity thing where we helped out children and painted a house, their school. I remember how she’d bump me on purpose and winked at me and then laugh a little. I’d smile and then continue painting mostly because I thought she was mocking me a little, but I was never sure why. She was the hot senior who I knew would never like me for real, but I had a crush on her but tried hard to not show, but she always seemed to know, it was like she thought it was a joke or something.
“Oh, crap, it’s you,” I said more to myself than her. She blushed and looked down a little. “Yeah,” she said calmly. “You mocked me thru that entire charity thing,” I said a little accusingly. “No, I was trying to get your attention but you iced me faster than anyone I’ve ever known. At first I thought it was just me, that you weren’t interested, but I realized sort of fast that you did that you iced everyone,” she said and looked a little uncomfortable. “You disappeared,” I said then. She wasn’t there the entire year. She sighed and shrugged. “Yeah because I graduated early and I didn’t really see any point in sticking around,” she said and made a flip of her hair that I remember her doing so well. I always thought she was really beautiful and I guess I had a crush on her even then but I never wanted to admit it to myself and I thought it was so awful when she seemed to know. I blushed and looked down. “I guess,” I answered.
She handed me the record she had picked out. It was a cd, I used to have back then that I had given her the first week when we’d been talking a little about music. “You still have that?” I said a little dumbstruck. “Yes, of course. It’s a great album,” she said. I frowned a little. Then she took up the paper piece that was actually a photo of the already painted children’s school. We were five people. She’d been standing tightly behind me with her arms around my waist. I remember that moment. They’d called us all up to take a photo. She’d grabbed around my waist and pulled me close. “Hey, get over here,” she’d said since I didn’t want to be in it. Then she leaned in closer and whispered in my ear. “Cute,” she’d said. They flashed the camera and I had broken loose of her and walked away since I felt embarrassed that she’d do that.
“I remember that,” I said a little lowly. She nodded. “So you sort of know me,” she said. I nodded and had that feeling that made me want to cry again. I turned away my face. She moved fast closer to me. “Hey, are you okay?” she asked. I started hyperventilating a little. “No, just give me a second,” I said as I waved my hands a little. She looked at me a little worried. “I recognized you at once when they rolled you in. I knew you didn’t recognize me, but why would you, you never did at school either,” she said and looked down slightly.
I frowned and looked over at her. “Because I had a crush on you and I didn’t want to admit that, admit that I could actually like a girl and when you started making small jokes about it, I assumed you knew how pathetic I felt about it and you were mocking me for it, of course I avoided you,” I said fast. She took two steps back and shook her head a little. “I didn’t mock you at all. I wanted you to know I liked you,” she said and looked a little scared. I sighed and bit my lip as I looked down at my hands. “I didn’t know that then,” I said. She nodded and walked closer and took my hand. “I know that. I just wanted you to know that this isn’t at random. I’ve always been into you. I’m not a random doctor who started flirting with you. I’m sort of amazed that you even let it get as far as to even let me drive you home. I guess you’ve grown up some, but still you’re just as shy and… hard on the surface,” she said. I sighed and looked away. “I know,” I said as I felt a small hint of pain. She’s right. I’ve always iced people. I never let anyone near me. Not ever. I’ve never. What is different now? Why do I let her in now?
She pulled me closer and looked into my eyes as she laid a hand on my cheek. “Sarah, it’s okay, I know who you are. You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, we could just be friends if that’s what you want,” she said then. I frowned. “No, we can’t,” I said. She frowned and looked a little worried. “Why?” she asked a little sad. “Because I’ve always had a crush on you and I couldn’t be friends with you then and I can’t now. This is the way I see you and I always will,” I said. She smiled a little and kissed me carefully. I put a little more force into it as I really wanted to kiss her for real. I’ve always wanted to kiss her.
She smiled as she pulled back and looked into my eyes. “Little scared Sarah, I finely found you,” she whispered. I froze, as I remember that one day towards the end of freshman year I found a letter in my locker. I thought it was a joke too. It was a secret admirer kind of thing. It was a red little letter that said “I see you Sarah; I see you and I can’t help to think that someday you’ll see me too. I know you won’t believe me now, but someday you’ll see that you’ll love me too. I love the way you smiled, the way you talk, I love how your eyes tense up when you get mad. I love the way you blush and try to hide it. I love the way you storm off when you’re offended. I love the way you always get a salad with you for lunch but always toss it away and eat a fruit instead. I love how you look sitting under the trees in school yard, the light hitting your face perfectly. Little scared Sara someday I’ll find you and someday you’ll find me too, and then you’ll be brave enough to love me too”. She’s written that letter?
“You wrote that?” I said a little shocked. She blushed. “Yes, I know, corny right,” she said and rolled her eyes a little. “Yes, absolutely corny, but I loved it even if I thought someone was messing with me,” I said. She smiled a little and looked away as she had tears in her eyes. “God, I can’t believe I was so right and so wrong,” she said. I frowned. “Why?” I asked a little worried. She sighed and looked down. “Because you’re still scared, I was a little early to find you,” she said. I shook my head a little. “No, I’ll always be scared. That’s who I am,” I said. She nodded and pulled me closer. “But can you be brave for me and just give me the chance to show you this,” she asked as she held me close to her, really close. I locked my lips with hers. She smiled and kissed me. “Good,” she whispered.
“So are you hungry?” she added then. I blushed. Was she asking if I wanted to…? “Do you want to go out and eat or do you want to order in?” she asked to clarify herself. I blushed. “What do you want to eat?” I asked. She smirked a little. “Oh, I could think of a few things?” she said and looked at me a little alluringly. Then she grinned. “But I guess you were talking about food, Asian it is,” she said and let go of me and walked over and got a menu. She ordered some for us as times then passed a little.
“So you ended up a doctor in blue scrubs? I never thought you were so… smart,” I said. She rolled her eyes a little. “And why did you not think I was smart?” she asked and laughed a little offended. I sighed. “I don’t know, I guess because you always seemed so playful and popular and just all together not the kind of girl that sits for hours studying,” I said. She shrugged. “Yeah, well I don’t need to study as much as most people. I pick things up and just fly thru. It’s unfair really,” she said a little smug. I bit my lip a little.
“Playful really?” she asked then a little disturbed. “Yeah, I mean you always seemed so happy and the most I remember of you, you always played around,” I said in my defense. She nodded slowly as she looked a little worried. “So you don’t think I’m happy now? Did I get boring?” she asked a little worried. “No, well you grew up I guess,” I said but realized how bad that sounded. She frowned as she sighed and got up. “Okay, I don’t get offended easily, but that kind of hurt,” she said. I got up and grabbed her hand. “No, it’s just that I guess, you’ve been thru things since you were eighteen,” I said. She sighed and rolled her eyes a little. “Yeah, sure, but honestly, I’m trying really hard to be a stable person because last time around being playful didn’t work with you. I could mess around as I usually do, but not with you,” she said as she took my hand. I sighed. “I guess, but I do like those parts of you as well,” I whispered a little. She smirked a little. “Good,” she said as she pulled me closer and kissed me.
She pushed me slowly down on the couch as she was still kissing me, making out. “Is that okay?” she asked carefully. I nodded and kissed her. She smirked a little and kissed the side of my face. I felt her fingers play at the edge of my shirt. It made it tickle in my tummy. I accidently giggle. She smirked as she kissed me some more while her hands were smooth as she let it go under my shirt a little around my waist. It actually felt good, but it made me nervous. I pulled away a little. “Are you okay?” she asked. I nodded but looked down a little. “Yeah, it’s just that, I don’t know what to…,” I started. She smiled a little. “I know, don’t worry. I’m not going to, unless you want to,” she whispered. I bit my lip as that actually made me even more nervous.
I kissed her a little bit. I guess it’s better than saying anything. “Sarah, are you… have you ever…,” she started. “No, I haven’t,” I answered before it got more awkward. She looked a little shocked. “Really?” she asked a little worried. I sighed and sat up. “No,” I said. She frowned as she looked at me. “How, I mean, you’re beautiful, shy maybe, but definitively beautiful and I’m sort of sure I’m not alone on thinking that,” she said a bit shocked. I shook my head a little. “It’s not that I haven’t been close… I back out, I get scared and I runaway every time I get to that point,” I said as I felt really stupid. She looked at me and nodded slightly. “Yeah, I guess, that’s what happens if you don’t trust the person,” she said and sighed a little.
I nodded and looked away. “It’s pathetic. I know that,” I said as I just felt like disappearing. She shook her head and wrapped her arms around me. “No it just shows that you don’t want to make mistakes and you’re careful with whom you let in. Don’t ever feel stupid because you don’t do everything like everyone else thinks things should go. You should always do what’s right for you and no one else,” she whispered as she kissed the top of my head. I sighed as I felt a teardrop escape my eyes. I whipped it away.
“Yeah, but it’s sort of stupid. It shouldn’t be so hard to just let it all go. I want to let it go, but something in me just screams no, even when I’m kissing someone. There’s something seriously wrong with me,” I said as I got up and walked a few steps. She grabbed my hand and pulled me around. “So you don’t like kissing,” she said in a tone I really didn’t want to hear from her. It was heart breaking. I looked over at her. “With you, it’s different. I usually don’t really understand the meaning with it. I mean, I’d make out with someone and I’d just think it was an awkward thing to do. It’s not the same with you. I want to kiss you,” I said.
She smiled a little. “Then be honest, if I’d taken you someplace quiet back then, and kissed you, would you have kissed me back?” she asked then. I frowned. “I’d been yours. I wouldn’t have overlooked that,” I said. She looked down. “I wish I would have dared to,” she said then. I wish she would have. She held eye contact with me. “Promise me that I won’t wake up tomorrow and realize this was a dream,” I whispered. She grabbed my waist and pulled me closer as she kissed me.
She took my hand and led me into her bedroom. It was also as well decorated. Her bed was white with that unrealistic magazine look to it as well. She turned to me and kissed me lightly and then looked into my eyes for a while as she slowly kissed me again and pulled me closer. I felt my knees weaken and my hands trembling slightly. She started kissing my neck and my collarbone. Then she looked up at me again. “Is this okay?” she asked carefully. I nodded. It was, it felt nice, even though it scared me a little. I have to be able to do this, I can’t always be scared. She continued kissing me as I kissed her.
Then she let her fingers get close to the edge of my shirt again. I blushed as this was the part that usually freaked me out a bit. She smirked as she got down on her knees and lifted my shirt a little and kissed my tummy. It made butterflies fly around inside me along with a tingling feeling. I felt my heartbeat increase as I was breathing a little faster. She smiled a little as she continued kissing me while moving up and pulling off my shirt at the same time. I held my breath as I wasn’t sure what to do.
She looked at me calmly. “Are you freaking out yet?” she asked. “Maybe a little,” I answered. She nodded and took my hand and pulled me on to the bed. She lay me down as she kissed me carefully as I felt her leg between mine as she kissed me while her hand felt my body. I was still wearing a bra and pants. I want her to take hers off as well. I tugged at the bottom of her shirt. She met my gaze as she then removed it swiftly. Her contours were so strong and lean at the same time. She was so beautiful. We lay there making out for a long time, so long that my lips started getting a little soar. She stopped after a while and lay beside me just looking at me. I held eye contact with her as she played with my fingers.
I started smiling after a while. “What?” she asked a little scared of what I would answer. I bit my lip. “I never thought this would happen, I mean, when I got shot, I just thought I was going to die and I was fine with it,” I whispered. She looked a little sad. “I know, I didn’t think that the next time I’d see you would be you rolling in half dead and willing,” she said a little sarcastically. I looked down as that actually made me sad. “What if I died and this is all just a fictional heaven or something,” I said. She frowned. “Do you really think you’d dream about me when you’re dead?” she asked. I nodded. “Yes,” I whispered. She smiled a little and moved closer to me as she kissed me lightly.
I bit my lip slightly. “I should probably go home,” I whispered then. She looked at me and frowned a little. “If you want to,” she said. I sighed a little. “Don’t you have work?” I asked carefully. She smiled a little. “Yes, but I work night tomorrow so I have another day,” she explained. I nodded and looked down at my hands, well our hands. “I want you to stay,” she whispered then. I bit my lip and looked at her. There was something in me that wanted to stay but another part was scared of that.
“I’m not going to pressure you into anything,” she whispered as she laid a hand on my cheek. I looked at her. “Maybe you should,” I said. She held my gaze for a long time. “Oh, Sarah, what is it really, that scares you so much?” she asked a little sadly. I bit my lip. “I don’t know. I guess, I’m scared of doing wrong. What if I’m terrible at it? What if… and I don’t really get the whole… process. I mean with a guy, it’s sort of simple to get what, but the girl dynamic has always been really hard for me to understand. Even if I like you, I don’t understand why,” I rambled on. She smirked a little.
“Oh,” she said and shook her head a little. “It’s like that,” she said and looked focused on something. “I guess, it’s both easy and complicated at the same time. I thought you were shy about your body,” she said then and smiled. I frowned. “I am, but that’s not why I… get nervous,” I said. She nodded and played with her fingers in my hair a little as she leaned on one elbow. “The first time is always a little more complicated for anyone, no matter who it is. My first time was terrible and I sort of regret it a little bit but at the same time not. I learned a lot. I just wish I’d had a better connection to the person I was with. It was a random girl at a party. She was nice and she took it slow with me. I guess I think that’s important, but it was not what I expected it to be. I mean, I liked it, but it wasn’t as… The thing is that I wish it’d been with someone I knew, someone I loved and trusted. I think it makes a difference. Everyone always says that it is different for everyone and I think that is the difference,” she explained. I nodded a little. It made sense.
“So you think it makes a difference if it’s now or if it’s two weeks from now,” I asked. She smiled a little. “Yes, but ultimately it is when you feel like you want to do it. But I think it’s unfair to call it for and it since it makes it sound like a huge thing. Like he who must not be named. It’s not; it’s more about making you feel good as well as being close to you and you letting me into your heart,” she said and laid a hand on my heart. I felt overwhelmed as a heat spread in my body. I wanted to run a marathon as I could smile and I just wanted to be with her. Why is this feeling so strong now? It feels ridicules.
I looked up at her as she looked stunning. She met my gaze and I kissed her. She kissed me back. She started kissing more parts of me as she then was getting closer to the edge, I actually felt nervous but at the same time. I didn’t want her to stop. She looked up at me as she was on the line of my pants and her hands were feeling my thighs and butt. “Do you want me to stop?” she asked a little playfully. I shook my head. She raised one eyebrow. “Sarah… I want to do it right with you, I’m not going to do this now,” she said and moved up to me. I was blushing. “Why?” I asked. She sighed and kissed my cheek. “Because, we have time and I’m sort of a little tired,” she admitted. I sighed and nodded. She held around me as we fell asleep.
© Copyright 2016 Jamie L Monster. All rights reserved.
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