In the morning, I had fall asleep on the top floor under the stars, Key came up looking for me. "Oh, why are you sleeping up here?" she asked a little shocked as she found me laying there. I sat up and looked at her and shrugged a little as I didn't know what to say to her. She looked at her watch. "Damn it, we need to get the others," she said and got to the steering wheel and started driving the boat. I looked at the water as I wanted to cry. It made me scared, this and the ocean. The fact that I could just fall in and die. A shark could jump up and kill me. I hate the ocean. I just listened to the sound of the water splash behind us. She's basically told me to not have feelings for her because she can't handle that. I frowned a little as I swallowed. Fine. I'll do what I usually do.
When we came to land I jumped off the boat and started walking towards the hotel. "You're not going to help?" Key asked as she was binding the boat. I looked over my shoulder and shrugged. "With what, you're about done aren't you?" I asked motionlessly. She sighed and shook her head a little. I just continued walking up. I didn't even look for her as I got in the elevator and then walked into our room where I instantly dropped to the floor beside my bag and looked for my pills. I found them fairly fast as I took them and drank some tap water in a small glass. Key came in and looked a little worried at me as she walked to her bag to get something. "Are you okay?" she asked. I sighed. "Yeah, I'm fine," I said and walked out and down the hall towards Jenny's room.
Key grabbed my hand and stopped me. "Faith, what's wrong?" she asked as she looked worried at me. "Nothing, I'm just really late at taking my pills," I said and shrugged it off and pulled back my hand. She bit her lip. "Did I do something wrong?" she asked. I sighed and looked at her. "No," I answered. She looked worried but let it go as she then told me that they would meet us by the boat so I should bring whatever I needed. I grabbed a towel, my pills, a bottle of something strong as I started drinking it on the way down to the harbour again.
Jenny and the others stood there waiting. Jenny smiled brightly at me. I smiled back and walked over and just hugged her as I could still feel the anxiety. Jenny noticed at once but was quiet and just gave me a worried look. We all got on the boat as everyone seemed impressed as we pulled out. They started playing loud music. I change into my bikini and got up on the front of the boat where there was a sun deck. The others were drinking and partying. I didn't feel as cheery. After a while, Jenny joined me as she had put on her bikini as well. She handed me sunblock. I started applying it on my legs and arms and such. "So, how come you're so down?" she asked. I sighed and shook my head a little. "It's complicated," I answered. She frowned and took the bottle and applied it to my back as I sat there. "Faith, I can tell when you're sad or hurt, what's really wrong?" she asked. I looked over at her and leaned my head against my knees. "Have you ever had anyone tell you to shut off your feelings?" I asked. She looked at me and frowned lightly and then looked over at Key who just turned her head and looked a little worried over at me but then smiled back to the rest.
"Sometimes but usually when it's an agreed one night stand," she said. I nodded a little and breathed out as I had this heavy weight on my chest. "That's what I thought," I said and looked at my hands and then lay down. "Did she?" Jenny asked. I looked over at her and sighed. "I don't want to talk about it. I just want to not think or feel whatever today," I said. Jenny looked worried at me. "Okay," she said as we lay down for a bit. We lay there for a while. "Faith, be careful in the sun," Key called and laughed as it was clearly a joke between her and John. I blushed and frowned without looking at her. Jenny looked over at me and looked a little shocked. "Oh, you're mad," she concluded. I bit my jaw together. Now I'm mad. She asks me to dress like a boy, shut up and shut off my feelings and then she makes fun of me. I got up and was about to walk but slipped and fell down in the water. I accedently drew in water in shock. "What the fuck," I heard one of the guys say as they saw me. As the water surrounded me and I was sinking down. I felt a sudden peace even if I'm afraid of being on boats for this one reason. I can't swim. Yes in a pool where I to be standing and able to move around but as soon as I don't have bottom I'm screwed and the panic takes over and I just sink. Out here in the ocean, the space and waves would drown me. I opened my eyes as the salt water hurt my eyes as I just saw the blue around me. I closed my eyes as I held my breath as I started to consider weather or not I should even try to swim. I started moving as I was out of air. But it was far to the surface and I wasn't sure which direction the surface was in.
I heard a splash and then someone grabbed my arm and dragged me up to the surface. I gasped and coughed up some of the water I was hyperventilating and dragged in more water and just coughed it up. Jenny pulled me towards the platform as the rest seemed to have noticed and were worried. My eyes hurt and my body hurt as it actually swallowed water and hit my side on the way down. "God damn it," Jenny said as she helped me up. "Why do you have to be such a cults," she said to play it off. I just coughed up some more water and held on to the metal railing on the small platform. She jumped up. Matt was instantly there with towels for us. "Are you okay?" he asked worried. Jenny, Matt and John knows well that I can't swim and if I panic it's even worse. I shook my head a little. Jenny stroked my back. "Try to breathe," she said, trying to calm me down.
Key looked really worried as she walked closer. "Faith...," she started. "No, Key, keep away, it's not a good idea," Jenny said fast. Key pulled back fast and looked even more worried. I looked away from her as I could barely breathe. "She can't swim and she's really scared of the sea and the ocean," Matt explained quietly. Key frowned. "Why didn't she say anything?" she asked. Jenny helped me up and led me passed the others and inside. "Why do you think?" Matt asked as it was the last I could hear of them. Jenny helped me to the couch. Then we noticed the blood trail after us. I looked down at my leg as it was bleeding. There was a huge cut on the side of it. "Ouch, that's got to hurt," Jenny said as she looked at it and walked over to the first aid kit and took out some things and then cleaned it and patched it up. It did hurt when I let myself feel it.
The shock of it all wore off and I started feeling normal again. I changed into normal clothes again as I felt so stupid for them all seeing that. Jenny changed as well and sat with me. "Okay, Faith, you need to talk to her. You seem to feel so bad right now. You know it's just going to drive you apart," Jenny reminded me. I sighed and nodded as it felt heavy to do. I got up and stumbled over to the bedroom and lay down on the bed as I felt tired again. "Did you take your pills?" Jenny asked. I nodded. "Yeah, it didn't work," I said. She sighed. "Maybe you need another anti depressant," she said. I nodded. She walked out to the others as I lay there by myself just staring at the sealing.
After about an hour, Key came in and looked at me a little worried. "How are you?" she asked. I frowned and looked at her. "Don't ask about my feelings. I'm fine," I said slightly stiffly. She frowned. "Is that what this is about?" she asked a bit worried as she walked closer. I sighed and sat up and turned away from her. "Please just leave me alone. I wish you'd just left me at the hotel," I said bitterly. "No, this wasn't what I meant last night. I just wanted you to detach your feelings from sex so that you wouldn't feel the need to be careful, so that you'd be able to just have fun and not associate sex with love," she said really worried as she laid a hand on my shoulder. I sighed and looked at her. "I don't associate sex with love. For me it's anxiety, anticipation and you," I said and waved at her. She looked a bit hurt but kept quiet. "So I'm what you associate with sex?" she asked a bit worried after a while. I sighed and got up but my leg hurt so much. "Yeah, it is at the moment. And you know why," I said and tried to breathe through my nose as the pain just darted through my body. I realised it wasn't just from my leg. It was from the side of my body as well.
Key, looked at me and frowned. "How hurt are you?" she asked and looked worried as she noticed how painfully I was standing. I shook my head a little and looked away. "Doesn't matter," I said. She got up and walked closer. "Of course it matter, stop being so angry," she said. I frowned and looked at her. "I'm not angry and either way, I can't do this, could you please just drive me back. I need to go to the hospital," I said as I could barely breathe now because of the pain in my body and anxiety. She looked at me in disbelieve and then walked out. Soon the boat started moving and I fell over and hit my head. It went black.
© Copyright 2016 Jamie L Monster. All rights reserved.
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