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The next day was brought with a feeling of sadness and helplessness. I just wanted to close my eyes and wake up to a different life. A life where I didn’t have to sacrifice myself for my father to be proud of me; A life where all my dreams come true; A life where I could dance without having to give justifications to anyone.
I hear the faint knock on my bedroom door but I didn’t even bother to answer it. If I ignored maybe they would leave me alone.
The door was opened and I felt someone sit on my bed.
“Jane…” my mother whispered caressing my hair. Her voice made tears come to my eyes.
“Darling, you have to get up…” she said softly.
“Why?! What’s the point?! To see the crap my life has become?” I replied bitterly.
“Don’t say that. Your life it not a crap,” she countered forcing me to get up and sit on the bed, “Your father wants to talk to you…” she said.
“No. What for?! To yell even more?” No way. My father didn’t listen anyone beyond him.
“Jane, dear… talk to him. Give him a chance.” She said involving my hands in hers. A chance?! He had 22 years of chances and he never took advantage of it. Why would be any different now?
My mother got up from my bed and headed for the door. She turns to me and says, “Go take a shower, and when you feel ready go down, okay?” Getting out and closing the door, she leaves me in my depression.
I would have to face my father sometime. It was in times like this that I would miss my brother so much. Although we had a 7 years age difference the two of us were very close. A year ago he got married and even though we talked every day and on the weekends he would come visit us, I still missed him. He was the only person who understood my love for dance… and he never tried to change me.
Whenever I argue with my father, or rather, whenever he argues with me… it’s my brother who calms me down. He probably knew what had happened because my mother should have told him.
I breathed deeply and got up from the bed. I went to the bathroom and turned on the shower faucet. I hoped that a good bath would make me relax and raise my head enough to face the beast.
The hot water on my body was a balm to my hurt soul. I stood there, feeling the water flowing through my body, mingling with my tears.
I wanted to be strong. You know those times when you wake up and want to be someone else? That’s what I was feeling. I found myself wondering how my life would be if I could join the Lune. Trainings, shows, new cultures, new friends, new life stories. Learning and teaching.
These thoughts just made me cry even more to the point of having to cover my mouth with my hands so no one would hear my sobs. I slid down the shower wall and sat on the floor. I hugged my knees and hid my face on them. And I cried.
I’ve always heard that crying helps. Unleash all our frustrations, our hurts and feelings that, because of our pride we don’t allow ourselves to liberate.
I cried until my tears dry up and I feel empty. I raised my head form my knees and look ahead. The glass shower doors were fogged with the bath steam.
Do you know the advantage of feeling empty? It’s that we don’t have anything to lose. When our dreams are broken and we hit the bottom… we can only go up.
It was with this thought in my head that I dressed up and went down to the living room where my father was waiting for me.
It doesn’t matter what he is going to tell me. He had already destroyed my dreams and made pretty clear what he thought about them.
I walked into the room and it seemed all a déjà vu. My father had his back to me, facing the window; my mother was sitting on the couch and looked at me with an encouraging smile. The only difference was that sitting next to my mother was my brother and my sister in law, Anna.
Anna caught my eye and smiled sweetly and with pity in hers. But it was the look on my brother’s eyes that caught my attention. He looked serious and with a glint of… pride in his eyes.
“Good morning…” I said murmuring, despite already being after 1 pm. My mother, brother and sister in law replied, almost in unison, but my dad just faced me. I looked away and stared at my shoe laces finding them truly fascinating.
My father coughed and I prepared myself for the shouts.
“This morning I spoke with Mr. Beaumont. You know who he is?” He asked. When things are bad… they can always get worse.
I didn’t answer him because that was a rhetorical question.
“I was with your uncle and he introduced us. This gentleman told me that I should be proud of the daughter I have. Because and apart of you being a great person you were also very professional. He said it wasn’t easy to work under so much pressure and nervousness.” He carried on.
My heart clenched up for Oscar. He doesn’t even know me and he praised me to my intransigent father.
“He told me that he liked to offer you an employment contract with the Dance and Theater Company. He also said that he already talked to you but he knew that the last word was mine. Sympathetic man…” he said and I couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or sincere.
“Father…” my brother Will warned.
My father inhale deeply and said, “He talked to me for a while and I can see that he is a worthy man,” And that means… I can’t even breathe for fear of destroying his concentration. “I’ll give you a vote of confidence. I give you two months. During these two months you can travel and work with this Company. After it I want you to come back home and look for a decent job. Pack your bags, Mr. Beaumont said they were leaving at 5pm. I want you to call every day… Are we clear?” He asked stiffly. I just nodded not wanting to believe what had happened.
My father looked at me on last time and left the room.
I exhale the breath I didn’t even know I was holding inside me. I was surrounded by strong arms and hugged the waist of his owner.
“Thanks…” I thanked my brother because I knew that without him and his insistence this would never happen.
“You should never stop fighting for your dreams, sis… if he gets upset, too bad, so sad.” Will said patting me on my head and wiping the tears I didn’t know I was crying. “Two months is not much… but it was all I could do.”
I just nodded.
My mother and Anna wrapped their arms around me and my mother said, “Let’s pack up… before he changes his mind.” Her eyes were bright and happy. That was the emotion I wanted to see in my father’s eyes… Happiness for me. I shook my head clearing these thoughts. What interested me was that he had let me go and these two months were going to be the best in my life! I could hardly wait to tell Rita and Charlotte.
I ran upstairs and started picking out clothes from my closet and put them in my suitcase. My mother, Will and Anna came into my room and with their help I finished packing in record time.
Suddenly I hear my phone ringing. With the mess of clothes on my bed I could find my phone.
“Here…” Will said. “It’s Rititi.” He told me using the childhood name we had given to Rita.
I ran to his side and pulled the phone from his hands.
“Rita?” I answered.
“Jane? Are you all right? What happened? I wanted to call you yesterday but I didn’t know if I should…” she said in great distress.
“Calm down… yes I’m alright…Yesterday things were a bit difficult. My father… well, you know how he is and you can imagine what he told me.”
“Yeah… I’m sorry girl.”
“But today… Rita, he lets me go!”
“What??” She yelled making me take the phone away from my ear.
“Oscar spoke with him… and with Will’s help he allowed me to travel with the Company.”
“That’s awesome! I’m so happy… and guess who’s coming with you?”
“Yes, yesterday I asked Oscar if, if you could go of course, I could also go with you…”
“I can’t believe it…but there is a small problem…”
“My father only lets me stay with the Lune Cirque for two months…”
“Two months?! But that’s…”
“I know… but it’s better than nothing, right?”
“Rita, its okay… you know how he is.” I said sadly.
Rita was silent for a moment and then, “So, what time do you want me to go there?” She said.
I smiled and replied, “At 3pm. I want to say goodbye to Charlotte and the guys.”
“Okay, so I’m there at 3pm. Jane, you’re gonna love it.” She finished.
Yes, I knew I’d love it… and I could hardly wait to start living. Even if it was just for two months.
© Copyright 2017 JaneM. All rights reserved.
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