Reads: 410
Comments: 3


It's cramped. We have an endless amount of space. More than on earth and it will always be so. Mankind can never find the end to this land. But it's cramped.
There's nothing but molten wasteland, too. Everywhere you look, bodies crowd the place, and what little you can see is just fiery red, very hot, very painful molten rock.
It's exactly how little kids picture it. That stereo-type of the center-of-the-earth Hell.
The space isn't really that bad. Neither is the heat. And believe me, there's heat. The worst part is the screaming. They are always burning and never burned. Everyone is that way, so... there's screams. You can't sleep or even pass out from pain in this realm. I got used to everything (Noise excluded). I just pretend that they're singing my praises in their weak human melodies that are never on key or in rhythm. Even if they were, they're just peon-level soul-carriers. They would never sing as beautifully as the demons in my choir.
Having to put up with all this, you'd think I have it pretty bad, wouldn't you? No, I'm afraid I'm not as bad off as the residents. Torture is all they experience. Though they live life, and feel good here, it’s only to build faith and happiness so even more horrible things can strike them. I know that feeling second-hand only, for I am the one who makes their misery what it is. I am the one who makes their misery period.
My name is Pride. No last name. No middle name. It's hardly even a surname, really. It's just all I was given. I am the most powerful of all demons and, by existence, I am greater than humans. Said existence has more purpose than humans as well, and I don't have to wrack my brains to figure it out. It's always been so very clear to me that my job is within my name. I must reflect the pride that has severed men from justice, whatever that is, back upon them. I must forcibly make them repent, for I serve Him. Not Sheppard of the lambs. Lord of the Flies.
It's a thankless job, torturing for all eternity. Refusal leads to torture for myself, though that thought is theoretical, and unsatisfactory work causes that, as well as a bit of unease in myself for not doing the best I could do. I am after all, the best at what I do.
The saddest part of my life is that my victims almost never consider my superiority over them. I've always thought my existence was useless. Think about it.To be the third most powerful entity in existence and never be known as just that.
For as long as I can remember I've longed for a way to show them. My ultimate dream is to show the world exactly how incredible my power truly is. To show them my Pride.
Time flows in a different rate than on earth. It makes me wonder what my purpose would be if I were to have been created there instead of Hell. It makes me wonder how much time I've wasted already.

I'm a special brand of demon, you know. Greater than any other demon- even a greater demon which is said to be the highest class- is a Sin. There's seven of us. Each one's only flaw is our name. Our defect is our greatest trait. Greed, and Envy never get over themselves and their victims. Lust can't live without mutilating the... you can guess. Gluttony doesn't even torture very well. She just eats past the bursting point. And Wrath is an ass with a vendetta. He sees nothing wrong with the way he maims with no real identity. Oh, there's also Sloth. It goes without saying that he's some lazy fuck. I'm the only one who's beyond rank. My only flaw is perfection and my very knowledge of my flaw thereby makes me flawless.My greatness is eternal.
We punish souls for eternity and never know anything outside of it without human peons teaching it to us. I am the most powerful demon in existence, the second most powerful thing in hell, and the third greatest living being in any existence. I truly may be the greatest in existence when my knowledge mixes with this power. I just need freedom. With my lack of limits and my endless power under my control instead of His, I could rule the world. Any world. My world.

Submitted: January 21, 2010

© Copyright 2022 Jonathin Dreary. All rights reserved.


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I feel it's off to a good start...I'm already getting into seeing Pride's motives, goals, etc. His personality. I suppose it's easiest to do so in first-person, but, a good start nonetheless.

Fri, January 22nd, 2010 2:37am


........ Hm, like Noah said, you really show-cased Pride's, well, pride very nicely. Makes me wonder if the whole story will be told from his perspective, or it will be alternated between him and a "good guy." A good prologue.

Noticed two little errors. First of all, when you said "hardly even a surname," you have to keep in mind that the surname IS the last name, even though you have clearly stated the Pride has no last name. If you don't want to use something as mundane as "first name," you can also try "given name" or "forename."

Also, it's spelled shepherd, not sheppard. "Sheppard" is used exclusively as a variant spelling of the SURNAME "Shepherd."

That's all. ^_^

Sun, January 24th, 2010 9:31pm


Thanks for the help. I always appreciate a bit of help with the proofreading.
On to your second chapter^^

Sun, January 24th, 2010 1:39pm


wow, Sam is almost as picky as me, she's right though, I hope you can take such things on board, always hard, but I have no complaints here, hell of a place you described there, good writing, warmed me up on a cold Sunday morning, made me want to live my life over flowing with goodness. I will return for more, you have what it takes is my best guess at this point.

Sun, January 31st, 2010 11:59am


You're my favorite critic so far^^
I'm glad you liked it.

Tue, February 2nd, 2010 9:09am

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