Chapter 1: starting over
“Sometimes the person who tries to keep everyone happy is the loneliest person. So never leave that person alone, because they’ll never tell you.”
I’ve been alone my whole life always being teased and bullied by everyone else. It surprises me that I haven’t succeeded in killing myself yet even though I already know I’m pretty much worthless to everyone else. Some people would assume that after having everything in your life always a mess that you’d somehow become a cracked, shattered person who’s falling apart at the seams. Not me though I am trying so hard to fight and be someone that will inspire others of course that’s always the dream I’ve had the only I won’t let die even though I’ve given up on all my other dreams. It’s hard to be a teenage girl who’s never wanted or ever chosen.
I remember the very first time I decided I wanted to die. I was in the eighth grade and I was already so used to everybody shunning me that I decided I wanted to die. The thought that passed through my head at that moment was, “I hate myself and so does everybody else. Why should I hold on any longer? I don’t really inspire people and I’m already cutting myself why not just cut a little deeper and bleed out? Nobody will miss you.” It’s hard to admit but that’s still the thought that goes through my mind. That night, I did it I cut my wrists so deep and I was laying in my bed ready to sleep for eternity when my older brother who happened to come by for a surprise visit came into my room. Everything was starting to get blurry and I kept hearing voices the next thing I knew I was in the hospital I had to stay for a seventy-two hour watch. I remember thinking that my brother might actually care for me but he left me with the two people who were robots.
To this day I want to die I just have to find a good time and place for it, a place where no one will try to stop me. I in a way feel like I’m letting my brother down and I don’t want to disappoint him but I can’t keep living with the fact that I will always only be his shadow. My parents want me to be just like my brother a lawyer I know it’s something I don’t want to do. My whole life I’ve tried to please others it just always backfires in my face and I end up screwing everything up. Too bad I’m not perfect. I’ve never shown my brother the scars I hide as a matter of fact I don’t think he even knows I still cut my wrists. The night I tried to kill myself he said to me, “You can’t cut yourself anymore ok Violet? I don’t want to get a phone call one day to find out my baby sister is dead, I love you even if you think your unlovable.” Those were his final words to me before he was taken away from earth. The day I lost my brother was the day I vowed I’d join him on the other side one way or another. My brother was killed in a robbery gone wrong and I always think that may be if I had died that day I would have somehow saved his life. I blame myself for every stupid thing that goes wrong in my life.
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