“I lock away the pain,
hide away the fears,
show you only smiles,
not the hidden tears.” Author Unknown
“Today was a sad day I lost my brother. He gave me a friend I could write in and now he’s been taken away from me. I named you Xena his nick name for me because of my crazy love for that show. I lost my perfect brother the only one who was loved by everyone. I’m expected to follow in his footsteps but I can’t because I know that if I do I won’t be any better than a robot and I’m sick of pretending to be a robot. I fake a smile and pretend I’m fine when in reality I’m a mess that can’t be fixed. I’m sick of pretending that Life will be alright when for me it’s always wrong. I can’t hide behind this mask anymore but if I show anyone the real me they’d freak out call me crazy lock me up. I just wish that I could’ve been the one that died. I wish I knew why I am the way I am because I don’t like me and I don’t like what I think people think of me. Chris, was an angel in the purest form of the word. I know I probably sound cliché but I mean it Chris was the only person who saw the real me and didn’t judge me he only tried to understand why and help me become normal.”
That was my last journal entry I buried my journal in a secret place. I buried it along with my dreams because the day Chris stopped breathing that was the day I gave up hope and slowly went crazy. I’m insane I know everybody thinks so too I mean why not I am. I’m a loner with no friends that I trust so I creep around and talk to myself. I’m my only best friend. It can be hard to deal with the pain but somehow I just do. The day of the funeral was a day that I will never forget myself. It was starting to rain and I remember that day I didn’t cry I felt like I couldn’t cry at all I didn’t cry until I had a complete break down at my school. I don’t remember what happened but one of those stupid teachers upset me they acted like I was already over the death of my brother except I wasn’t and I took out all my hate, anger, and pain, every emotion I felt and I hurt that teacher. Afterwards, I broke down completely and I haven’t been the same in a long time.
I hate thinking that I will disappoint Chris, but he can’t stop me know can he. It’s the perfect time to just release some stress. I’ve always loved the way the cold blade felt on my warm wrist letting all the hot blood out. It would drip slowly and I didn’t try to cover the scars that were left behind. I always thought what’s the reason for hiding something that’s already visible to the entire world? I’ve always seen the world from a different point of view since I have nobody. I’ve always wondered why people think they need someone else to make them happy when I’ve already proven that you could go through life without someone else there standing by your side. I’ve already proven that I can live my life without the love of another person I just don’t/can’t socialize in this world where creeps take many forms. I realized a long time ago that dreams don’t come true, at least for me don’t. I was always the imperfect child that my parents didn’t want and now I know they really don’t want me because I can’t just be a robot who does everything right. I’ve always been able to screw things up even when I only meant to fix them.
I've buried all my secrets hoping to become perfect for the sake of my family, I knewI could never add up to my brother so I just kind of pretended I was through with hurting myself. Destiny is a hard thing to break and eventually the pain added on and once again I took my trusty razor and sliced enjoying the pain it brought making me feel human. I've always believed that pain is really what makes a person human not any of the other emotions we're supposed to feel. I've also realized that I'll always be a flaw in my family the only imperfection that needs to disappear.
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